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Old 06-24-2011, 11:09 AM
 
19,023 posts, read 25,865,482 times
Reputation: 7365

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I wasn't going to comment, but with a end of life comment, maybe i should.

First of all your not even hurt bad like I was. That caused a total change of my life. I lost all my work, my place to live, caused a divorce, but that marriage wasn't any good anyway. She claimed it was the money. I claimed it was the 3 years of her partyin' and openly dating 3 other guys, and sometimes she brought them home. I had a son at home too.

I was some smashed up, getting crushed on the job, and AIG saw fit to cheat me of back surgery.

That still wasn't the bottom. When I left I took on work I couldn't really do, but managed to do it anyway. I was in wild pain. I did construction work on a new gambrell barn as labor and then roofed it alone. It was a really big barn too 40 x 80. I can tell you I never ever want to see another tan 3 tab shingle for so long as I live.

I got to see a few head shrinkers too, and for 2 weeks took antidepressants, which made me feel loose and very unhappy. They made a bad situation totally hollow and everything was shallow.

Well the barn job in Ct ended as like anything the jobs gets done. I moved to upstate NY where another job came to be known. There i wasn't alone anymore. The guy who hired me became a part of my crew. That was different. He hired 2 other people I didn't know a guy who couldn't read a tape, and a gal who could. The owner was mine in the day time and he could do only what he was told.

I drew the plans from the dirt up on that barn/shop/dwelling myself. In just under 10 months a 28 by 42 gambrell barn went up and 2 cabins too boot. Fell there broke my left elbow amd wrist. Fixed these myself.

That still wasn't the bottom.

I heard of a job in Md and went there. The truck broke down on the way, and for days i stayed off the road anyplace I could, and was starving. With the truck having no place to take it apart I couldn't fix it. I had somehow broken 2 lugs off the ft wheel on the passanger side, and I heard that go boom boom when they broke.

At one point I found a camp ground, and pulled in. I cut a deal with the owner for space and time in trade of fixing things, a lot of things, steps on many tree house cabins, and I cut and split fire wood hurt like Hell. A year went by and I lived there in a tee pee, of my own. In that year someone came with a better offer, just over south mountain. I moved there, but the offer was worse. I hung on another year, taking work at the camp ground as needed and anyplace else I could find any work.

That year I made a glassed in enclosuer where a fancy schamncy architect said it couldn't be done at the camp ground, and made a stagger board fence and 3 French raised bed gardens in another location in Md. I made a new friend there for the first time, and he was a big shot well connected guy, who didn't trust anyone fer nuthin. A real self made man.

First I took down 2 of the biggest trees I have ever taken down in my life for him. With one I drove a 4x4 post to china. Yes i was showing off. Next I fixed his House, a 1750's southern mansion, complete with civil war bullets embedded in the rafters up in the attic.

After that I fixed his 1947 MG-TC motor car, and next his 1936 Plymouth Torpedo Businessman's coup. About then he was trusting me with most anything, but not everything. He began to talk about opening a relics store for the Civil War Era. I was leery. I was still living in a bad place in the tee pee out of sight and away from mankind elsewhere.

A day came when he wanted me to assist a carriage driver for a Civil War Era Ball, and I was told to step down and hold the horse when guests climed aboard the carriage, and again when they got off.

Well the driver was his daughters English riding teacher, and he had never driven a horse drawn carriage in his life before.
Right after making the first run, where we had been told to turn in a lolly pop driveway, the driver came real close to flipping that carriage over. I took the reigns and told the driver I knew what I was doing and had 3.5 years of hauling tourists in the north country on big logging slieghs called pungs, and in big hay wagons.

Man, when the owner saw that I was driving he was smokin mad, till the driver told him what was up.

At that the owner said 'Is there anything else I dont know about you?' He was still real angery with me, but he got over it.
The next big deal for me was that same guys New Years Eve Party. I showed up as invited, and the owner was laddling out spiked punch to the ladies. The moment he noticed me he stormed over and asked who I was, and why I crashed his party! LOL I had come in a 3 piece gray suit with a tie, and my pony tail brushed out neat. He was stunned when I called him by name and stated mine. That was his first time to not see me dressed in rags.

And that wasn't the bottom either. I turned down the idea of the shop, and I regret that to this day. I moved north to see mmy son after 2 years. That became another Hell.

My x dumped him on me for the summer, and I was staying and working with an old buddy of mine in Mass. I was totaly un-fit to do dirt and shovel const. I just made the summer and when school started I was back in courts of law with my x and my son was lost to me once again.

I took up living like a wild man in the National Forest of NH and lived that way from Sept to the next. I didn't bother with mankind anymore. I made birch bark boxs all made of things the woods could offer for money, but I didn't need much money anymore.

During this time I met the next gal and had known of her a long while before, but she was married. She ended up splitting the blanket with her now x, all by herself. Well he committed the one sin most women won't stand for, he cheated on her and got caught.

With her in my life and her having no place to be she lived with me in the forest and in a while we rented a trailer from Hell. The location was what I was after. That was dead center in a ancient volcano in NH.

We spent 3.5 years living there, and I healed again finally. I can work around 6 hours a day now, but with the way laws are I can't get a hired job I don't find for myself. I can't get heath insurance either, both are dead ends with a pre-existing condition.

I sure don't worry about that any. Life is pretty good, while there is not a hint of any security.

I never knew where my next meal would from, not wild weeds and trees, I didn't know if the well below 0 temps would kill me in my sleep and at the time I didn't really care. I wasn't sure if I would get caught either, but the idea of getting busted didn't bother me. I didn't see that as any worse than where I was anyway.

These days I got a wife with meaning, nothing about my life is hollow or shallow anymore. The few people I call friends are happy to discuss How To on most any topics, and I can get paid for just talking sometimes. I do motorcycle work custom for a certain few, and the last thing I want to worry about is a carreer or money. Man I wasn't born to the worship of money. I find it shallowest of all. I don't get involved in cheap dirty work either. I either do it and get filthy, but do it right or I pass.

All I can say is you are alone in your mind, but you are not alone in the experience. Pull your boots on, get off the meds, and make something of life.

A last point: I can't understand the love of money, the desire of full time security. I have been bashed and smashed more than once, suffered more broken ribs than a man has, broken my neck, lost my spleen, broken my collar bone, left arm 3 times, and my left leg once. Then crushed my spine working.

What is it about mankind that makes him want to work his life away for mere money? The times I am most alive I am either so scared I want to shut it out, or I am so busted up that it scares me as bad. Man you are alive at times like that. I mean wide awake!

Yeah this was long huh?, too bad life isn't fair and it sure isn't pretty.

Make this day count for something. You make it count.

Last edited by Mac_Muz; 06-24-2011 at 11:21 AM..
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Old 06-25-2011, 05:28 PM
 
3,573 posts, read 6,455,547 times
Reputation: 3482
Quote:
Originally Posted by nebulous1 View Post
I never liked that quote either. It isn't even from the bible, who knows who came up with that.

I too, have lost a lot. I keep on going. I was unemployed, and finally...finally found a job, then they cut me, now I finally found another. I understand how it is when everything you want is gone or not there.
I don't have anyone either, but I am not going to let that crush me.
Sometimes, when I get mad, it is best, because I get fired up to get out of my funk.
I figured out I am a very sensitive person. Maybe that is what makes me an artist, a creative person. I feel things very strongly.
I used to sit in the dark with the lights off to save money. There was something about the candles, that made me feel good.
I never said that. It was another poster that said God wouldn't give you more then you can handle. I don't believe in that. Please read what I wrote.

OP, I don't know what to tell you other then get yourself ASAP to a mental health clinic to help yourself. You're in a danger zone and you need help RIGHT NOW.

I don't believe what any of us say will help you at this point. I hope you read this and get help now.
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Old 06-25-2011, 08:31 PM
ino
 
Location: Way beyond the black stump.
680 posts, read 2,490,804 times
Reputation: 1051
Quote:
Originally Posted by greatblueheron View Post
If someone is seriously suicidal, comments like this and others posted, ie "go ahead.." are not helpful.

There is no way to know his current mental state, so let us err on the side of caution and suggest medical/psychological evaluation/intervention.


gbh


.
Unless I missed something here I don't know where that "go ahead.." comment comes from.

And NO, let's NOT err on the side of caution. Let's tell it like it is. Life isn't a fantasy, it's for real, and sometimes that scary reality gets in the way of living.

Sometimes life b l o o d y *SUCKS*, and sometimes that's about as good as it gets.

Who HASN'T thought about dropping out at some point in their life when some situation seems too much to go on? I know *I* have. But I didn't need "medical/psychological evaluation/intervention" to tell me what I already knew. And the OP knows that as well.

I learnt a long time ago it's no good just throwing ones hands in the air and running off to get a bottle of pills. One road to recovery is by doing exactly what the OP is doing right now...throwing the situation out there and seeing what the feedback is. It's a toss of the coin, some feedback will be comforting/patronizing and some will come from a different direction.

I have a choice, as we all do, I/we can either give in or give up - or kick the stuffing out of life and continue on. We are nothing but a speck of dirt in the scheme of things. We live, we die, and what we do in between times is the little bubble we live in and is up to us. Outside of immediate family or friends, who gives a toss about us anyway. Who's gunna miss us when we shuffle off this planet, we are very small fish in a very large pond, with predators and unsavoury situations everywhere around us.

If one is prepared to come on here outlining a situation, then they must be prepared to take on board ALL feedback based on other peoples thought processes rather than being excessively consumed by their own thought processes. Opinion or assistance can come in all forms and from any number of directions.

An individual can be all consumed by their own thought processes and can be dragged down even further. At the end of the day there is nothing anyone else can do about it but give them the benefit of other peoples experience and wisdom. The decision is ultimately for the person concerned, and the thoughts the OP has, or had, are no different to anyone elses thoughts.

My philosophy is to talk to as many people as I can and pick the bones out of all the feedback...then *I* make my *own* decision. Some feedback will be useful, and some useless. If mine is useless in this instance, then so be it, but I'll stand and fight before giving in to life.

How does that quote go..."Life is what happens when we are making other plans". I'm not gunna cut my nose off to spite my face, I gotta make a mark somehow on this big piece of dirt we live on, with or without the comfort of companionship or whatever...for better or worse I steer my own ship, nobody else will...or can.

There ya go OP, that's my take on that crappy thing called...LIFE!

Don't worry, you're not alone.
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Old 06-26-2011, 10:06 AM
 
18,837 posts, read 37,203,487 times
Reputation: 26457
Some people have charmed lives, and don't even realize how lucky they are. Just having a family, and a place to live is huge. Life is like a race, and some people are already born 1/2 mile ahead of the starting line, and some are born a 1/2 mile behind the starting line, and just struggle their whole lives to even get to the starting line, they don't even see the finish line.

I have been more fortunate than some, but not as lucky as others.

My life is frustrating, I have tried to improve, but feel like I never get ahead. Two steps forward, one step back.

I am not happy now. And things need to change. Change takes energy, and I just feel worn out...I am tired of my life being a mess.

1. I stopped dating, when you are not in a good place, you draw more negativity and drama into your life. The last thing I need is that.

Things will get better.
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Old 06-27-2011, 11:53 AM
 
Location: Murphy, NC
3,223 posts, read 9,595,764 times
Reputation: 1456
Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlguy39 View Post
Had I known my life would be like this, I likely would have ended it long ago. I'm educated, yet I have no career. I'm loyal and committed and wanted a family, yet my wife divorced me. Now I'm 42 and alone. I absolutely hate my life. This isn't anything like I hoped and dreamed. I feel like I've ruined it and its too late. I have nothing to look forward to and nothing going for me. The only time I'm actually happy is when I'm sleeping. This absolutely sucks. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I know I can't keep living like this. This isn't a life, I'm just existing.
Get a good bicycle man and go biking with some guys, they don't care about anything but the fresh air and freedom. This is perfect time to spend time with the family u grew up with. I'm sure they can use your company.
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Old 06-27-2011, 05:25 PM
 
1 posts, read 1,933 times
Reputation: 10
my friend i know what you are going through...i feel like life is over for me at 33..i have been suffereing from depression for about 11 yrs.tried meds, therapy, talking to my pastor, nothing is working..I have given up on ever finding love, but not happiness..you can be happy...sometimes the road is a little rocky for people like us, but it can happen...i know this may sound ironic coming from a person like me that feels the same way you do, but i have always been told, if you are tired of going no where try doing something and go somewhere you have never been or did...
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Old 07-04-2011, 04:54 PM
 
Location: USA
4,978 posts, read 9,484,108 times
Reputation: 2506
Quote:
Originally Posted by donie1 View Post
I never said that. It was another poster that said God wouldn't give you more then you can handle. I don't believe in that. Please read what I wrote.

OP, I don't know what to tell you other then get yourself ASAP to a mental health clinic to help yourself. You're in a danger zone and you need help RIGHT NOW.

I don't believe what any of us say will help you at this point. I hope you read this and get help now.

Oh please, don't play junior psychologist. You just don't get it, do you.
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Old 07-04-2011, 05:08 PM
 
Location: USA
4,978 posts, read 9,484,108 times
Reputation: 2506
Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
Some people have charmed lives, and don't even realize how lucky they are. Just having a family, and a place to live is huge. Life is like a race, and some people are already born 1/2 mile ahead of the starting line, and some are born a 1/2 mile behind the starting line, and just struggle their whole lives to even get to the starting line, they don't even see the finish line.

I have been more fortunate than some, but not as lucky as others.

My life is frustrating, I have tried to improve, but feel like I never get ahead. Two steps forward, one step back.

I am not happy now. And things need to change. Change takes energy, and I just feel worn out...I am tired of my life being a mess.

1. I stopped dating, when you are not in a good place, you draw more negativity and drama into your life. The last thing I need is that.

Things will get better.

You said some good things. Luck is such a huge variable in the equation for happiness. We can do many things and try to make good choices, but that X factor of luck really does decide which way life unfolds.
You called it being "fortunate" and I called it "luck", same thing.

I went to a psychologist who told me she cannot help me. That she doesn't have the answers, but empathizes. I said, I don't want empathy, I said I wasn't there to vent. I wanted answers. I wanted someone who was smarter than me, and could figure things out. If I could figure things out, I wouldn't be there for the $150 an hour price she gets, which is more than even an attorney gets! Or some doctors...So she bills me 60 bucks for the copay, and the copay was 20. Jeesh.
But let me say this, I saw no benefit to consulting a "professional". Imagine a doctor or an attorney telling you they don't have the answers. They would never say that, even if they couldn't solve the problem. They would not say that upfront.
She said the answers are "inside you." Balderdash. If I had the answers, I wouldn't have gone there. I said, So this is all a waste of time then? She gave me this smarty answer back of "only if you think it is." (Heh...) Now, I don't like someone fooling around with me when I am talking about my fecking life. I don't like the playing footsy verbally and not getting to the answers. So since she said she couldn't give me answers, I said, "I guess you don't know more than I do, and this is your profession." I can't believe someone wasted my fecking time like that. She said she would be asking the questions. I was the one with the questions.
I don't need a professional decking around with me. I don't need someone doing "aw" to me. I was not looking for sympathy. I was not looking for someone to tell me to join a book club. Come on, didn't 6 years of college give them something more than I got going on? I know with my education and experience, she can't do MY job, so how come I am sitting there figuring hers out? How come she can't give me answers for $150 an hour? For $150 an hour, she should be telling me how to build solar panels.

So this is what I learned...if a professional is not smarter than me, or doesn't have the answers, then I have to figure it out myself. So far, I have not figured it out.
I am rather a straight arrow and very direct and upfront. I don't mince it, and I don't play behind masks to find what I want. I don't believe in dancing around issues, and pretending to be this or that. It's not brain surgery. But I have come to believe we are animals with the gene for speech, and we can do great things, and many of us are just ecking out a living just like a bear up in the Yukon.
And that, and playing something on a guitar, seeing a vast sea of stars in the night sky, and maybe eating a great baklava, are as good as life is going to get.
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Old 07-04-2011, 05:14 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
5,353 posts, read 5,767,157 times
Reputation: 6561
Nebulous, a lot of people don't get it. I mean, who stays in a 2 1/2 year depression and stuck? My friends are sick of it and no longer talk to me. I don't have much family, and my Mother and I don't get along anyway. She's a large part of why I feel so inferior and not good enough. I'm just tired. I'm tired of feeling this way, but no matter what I do, I haven't been able to change it. I'm at a complete loss. My career is over and I believe its too late to have my own family. I see other people who are happy and have a career and family. Thats all I ever wanted and I have neither. All I have are memories of what could have been and what I ruined.
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Old 07-08-2011, 10:03 PM
 
Location: Elsewhere
87,982 posts, read 83,805,998 times
Reputation: 114168
Quote:
Originally Posted by nebulous1 View Post
You said some good things. Luck is such a huge variable in the equation for happiness. We can do many things and try to make good choices, but that X factor of luck really does decide which way life unfolds.
You called it being "fortunate" and I called it "luck", same thing.

I went to a psychologist who told me she cannot help me. That she doesn't have the answers, but empathizes. I said, I don't want empathy, I said I wasn't there to vent. I wanted answers. I wanted someone who was smarter than me, and could figure things out. If I could figure things out, I wouldn't be there for the $150 an hour price she gets, which is more than even an attorney gets! Or some doctors...So she bills me 60 bucks for the copay, and the copay was 20. Jeesh.
But let me say this, I saw no benefit to consulting a "professional". Imagine a doctor or an attorney telling you they don't have the answers. They would never say that, even if they couldn't solve the problem. They would not say that upfront.
She said the answers are "inside you." Balderdash. If I had the answers, I wouldn't have gone there. I said, So this is all a waste of time then? She gave me this smarty answer back of "only if you think it is." (Heh...) Now, I don't like someone fooling around with me when I am talking about my fecking life. I don't like the playing footsy verbally and not getting to the answers. So since she said she couldn't give me answers, I said, "I guess you don't know more than I do, and this is your profession." I can't believe someone wasted my fecking time like that. She said she would be asking the questions. I was the one with the questions.
I don't need a professional decking around with me. I don't need someone doing "aw" to me. I was not looking for sympathy. I was not looking for someone to tell me to join a book club. Come on, didn't 6 years of college give them something more than I got going on? I know with my education and experience, she can't do MY job, so how come I am sitting there figuring hers out? How come she can't give me answers for $150 an hour? For $150 an hour, she should be telling me how to build solar panels.

So this is what I learned...if a professional is not smarter than me, or doesn't have the answers, then I have to figure it out myself. So far, I have not figured it out.
I am rather a straight arrow and very direct and upfront. I don't mince it, and I don't play behind masks to find what I want. I don't believe in dancing around issues, and pretending to be this or that. It's not brain surgery. But I have come to believe we are animals with the gene for speech, and we can do great things, and many of us are just ecking out a living just like a bear up in the Yukon.
And that, and playing something on a guitar, seeing a vast sea of stars in the night sky, and maybe eating a great baklava, are as good as life is going to get.
LOL. A therapist is NEVER going to give you "answers". That's not what therapy is. They aren't in the business of giving advice. I remember asking my therapist, instead of trying to help me figure out how to find love to tell me how to stop WANTING it since it is not something I can ever have. He just laughed.

But I do love your last line.
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