Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Health and Wellness > Mental Health
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 04-26-2011, 11:44 AM
 
188 posts, read 972,449 times
Reputation: 170

Advertisements

Hello everyone..not sure if I am posting this in the right area..if I am not please forgive me. I have a brother in his mid 50's who is an alcoholic. He is not supposed to be drinking because he has hepatitis ( C..I think). It's almost like he has a death wish. Drinks from the time he wakes up till the time he goes to bed. His attitude is awful..he does no wrong and everyone else does no right. In other words..he doesn't care. He doesn't apologize for anything he says or does. He has become violent towards his wife.. he has slapped her and threatened to kill her. She doesn't know what to do. He works everyday( even tho he is drinking) and they are having a hard time making ends meet because of the drinking. She has talked to him about getting help and he tells her she is crazy and that it is none of her business. I have told her to get out before something bad happens. I know he is my brother and I love him..but we live so far away and I don't know what to do. She wants to have him arrested, but what happens when he gets out? She has no where to go and is afraid he would really hurt her then. She is afraid that if one of the family members say anything to him..he will find out she told us. I haven't talked to him in months and he refuses to talk to anyone else in the family. She said something about having him Baker Acted ( Not sure what that means) but that they would keep him 72 hours and if the Dr's deemed he was ok, then he would be released. Any suggestions? I told her to leave him..but they have been married 35 years and she doesn't want to walk away. Can a family member have him committed?? Since he isn't supposed to drink because of his health..is that being a threat to himself? Sorry for this being so long. Thanks...
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 04-26-2011, 04:04 PM
 
Location: Boston
48 posts, read 299,902 times
Reputation: 103
she should start filing police reports about threats and any violence and have him arrested- it will be the best thing for him because she can help him to get court mandated recovery help. or she could talk to an intervention specialist. at the very least she should go to some al-anon or AA meetings herself to get some help with dealing with her feelings about the situation even if he will not seek help
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-26-2011, 04:43 PM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
27,074 posts, read 11,745,284 times
Reputation: 30347
Totally agree....remember there is no reasoning with an alcoholic!

They will not seek help on their own. She absolutely should file police rpts for every incident and have him arrested when possible. Guess it depends on the state about the Baker act....you could check with police in his city to see what they advise.

As already said, court-mandated treatment would be a godsend.







Quote:
Originally Posted by DondeDemonios View Post
she should start filing police reports about threats and any violence and have him arrested- it will be the best thing for him because she can help him to get court mandated recovery help. or she could talk to an intervention specialist. at the very least she should go to some al-anon or AA meetings herself to get some help with dealing with her feelings about the situation even if he will not seek help
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-26-2011, 06:29 PM
 
188 posts, read 972,449 times
Reputation: 170
That is the same thing I told her..but she is afraid after he is released that he will get worse. I feel so sorry for her!! I just wish there was more I could do! Have checked on some intervention programs, but the cost are very high so that may not be an option. Will advise her to go to AA meeting and maybe get some support. Thanks!!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-27-2011, 07:17 AM
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
50,117 posts, read 63,519,992 times
Reputation: 92766
I feel for your family. Ours is going through something similar right now. There is no help unless the person in question requests it, and an addicted person is not capable of good judgement.
So you just watch the downward spiral and wait for the phone call that the worst has happened.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-27-2011, 07:30 AM
 
188 posts, read 972,449 times
Reputation: 170
Thank you gentlearts...sadly my brother is not going to ask for help because he feels that he is not doing anything wrong. In his words..."It's none of anyone's business what I do..it's my body and my life..if ya don't like it then leave...". So I told my sister- in-law to leave. Their only child is grown up and has a family of his own, so no worries there and bro and sis live in an apartment so no house that has to be sold and divided. I am afraid for my sis in law as brother's behavior has turned violent at times. I told her to just walk away..he is in his mid 50's and is not gonna change so no sense dragging her and the rest of the family down with him. I know I sound cruel and heartless... I do love him but there's nothing I can do but sit and wait on the phone call that something has happened.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-29-2011, 09:35 AM
 
Location: Elsewhere
88,224 posts, read 84,144,315 times
Reputation: 114530
Quote:
Originally Posted by bam531 View Post
Hello everyone..not sure if I am posting this in the right area..if I am not please forgive me. I have a brother in his mid 50's who is an alcoholic. He is not supposed to be drinking because he has hepatitis ( C..I think). It's almost like he has a death wish. Drinks from the time he wakes up till the time he goes to bed. His attitude is awful..he does no wrong and everyone else does no right. In other words..he doesn't care. He doesn't apologize for anything he says or does. He has become violent towards his wife.. he has slapped her and threatened to kill her. She doesn't know what to do. He works everyday( even tho he is drinking) and they are having a hard time making ends meet because of the drinking. She has talked to him about getting help and he tells her she is crazy and that it is none of her business. I have told her to get out before something bad happens. I know he is my brother and I love him..but we live so far away and I don't know what to do. She wants to have him arrested, but what happens when he gets out? She has no where to go and is afraid he would really hurt her then. She is afraid that if one of the family members say anything to him..he will find out she told us. I haven't talked to him in months and he refuses to talk to anyone else in the family. She said something about having him Baker Acted ( Not sure what that means) but that they would keep him 72 hours and if the Dr's deemed he was ok, then he would be released. Any suggestions? I told her to leave him..but they have been married 35 years and she doesn't want to walk away. Can a family member have him committed?? Since he isn't supposed to drink because of his health..is that being a threat to himself? Sorry for this being so long. Thanks...
I am sorry you are experiencing this. My brother died five years ago from Hep C/cirrhosis. He'd picked it up in his 20's from a short period when he was using heroin intravenously. It was at the time when AIDS was first coming out, so he was tested for AIDS but never for Hep C. He was a drinker, too, which didn't help his liver any.

I was also married to a drunk. Your SIL should definitely get a restraining order. It is not a 100% guarantee that he will obey it, but it will give her leverage if he does approach her. She should probably go to Al-Anon and/or get some counseling herself to overcome her own problem of allowing herself to be treated this way.

Sadly, it's a characteristics of drunks that they just do not care about anyone besides themselves. Alcoholism and self-centeredness are pretty much synonomous.

One thing is absolutely, positively certain beyond all doubt--no one else on the planet can do or say a damn thing to get your brother to stop drinking. He would have to make that choice on his own. All those around him can do is take steps to protect and/or detach themselves from him.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-29-2011, 01:07 PM
 
Location: The Lakes Region
3,074 posts, read 4,713,526 times
Reputation: 2377
I have been to AlAnon meetings. Some are great and some not too good. If she goes she may want to look for ones that say "This is not about him but its about you." The "Poor me" ones won't help her IMO.
Further, Alcoholism is a family disease as the poster is aware that it affects everyone around the alcoholic, including his spouse who has gotten very sick and co-dependent thru the years. That is why it will be very hard for her to break the cycle, also. But it can be done if she reaches her bottom, because he may never reach his.
In good AlAnon meetings she will learn how to protect herself - legally and emotionally if she attends on a regular basis. Most importantly she will learn about "TOUGH LOVE" which is vital for her own recovery.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-29-2011, 11:08 PM
 
Location: Boston
48 posts, read 299,902 times
Reputation: 103
bam531: "I know I sound cruel and heartless..."

It is not cruel and heartless to recommend for your sister-in-law to leave. It is courageous and kind-hearted. Your brother isn't thinking or acting clearly- he is acting through his alcoholism, and you are able to recognize that she needs to move to a safer place.

You have no way to affect his behavior aside from having him committed or arrested, and even then it will be his choice whether or not to fight the disease. The only thing you can do, which is what you are doing, is try to help your sister-in-law. I think you are thinking in the right direction, and doing what is right- i think you deserve to feel good about this.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-30-2011, 11:32 AM
 
Location: Saratoga Springs NY
35 posts, read 266,033 times
Reputation: 32
Hi Bam531, I am a Crisis nurse in an ER. I can't speak for all states, but here in NY you can't have someone commited for being an alcoholic, even though it's harming him, he is not actually considered "suicidal or homicidal", which usually are the only legal means to having a person commited. Do not feel guilty about telling her to leave, tell her the next time he puts his hands on her call the police & have him ARRESTED! In some states the police can request a restraining order @ that time, if not she sould get one from court after the arrest, this could at least start the ball rolling with some court ordered counseling, etc. She doesn't have to wait for him to hit her again, she can file for separation & tell him to get help. She needs to think of her own well being, & if he's not going to get it together she needs to move on. I wish all of you the best.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Health and Wellness > Mental Health

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 03:38 AM.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top