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Old 04-28-2011, 06:46 PM
 
55 posts, read 99,975 times
Reputation: 36

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This is kinda long so i guess bear with me. I grew up on the eastern side of texas, since i can remember i have never liked it here. The people and I have never "clicked". I moved away off and on for 3 years and now due to my moms death in january, ive had to come back and accept a few things. I have 0 self esteem. I get told all the time by women that i am "attractive" and "good looking" and it does no good. I was abused physically by my mother until i was 17 and then i left, leaving my sister behind. After that i went to my grandmothers and lived there and she treated me soooooo well. Ill never forget it, its one of the best times in my life. For 8 years i was happy and content but unfortunately she passed away in 2007. Recently my mom has died my sister hardly talks to me. Although we live in the same area, i called to with her a happy easter and told her i would like to see her and she made up excuses as to why she couldnt see me.

I feel totally ostracized by my family. Noone calls me or asks me how am i doing or even if i am alive. My grandmother was from mexico but my mom raised my sister and i to be "white". I ended up learning spanish and once i learned it fluently, although my mom could understand it, she would constantly tell me to speak english since we are in "america". Once my grandmother passed away, i have wondered from job to job, not really staying long in any once place. I have a 4 degree in history and that in itself is another story. Before my mom died, i found out that her outbursts and reasons to treat me like crap all the time might have been due to a chemical imbalance and her taking drubs such as vikoden and mini thins. I wanted to confront her on this but she died before i could.

I have no car as it broke down on the way over here and it is too costly to repair. So i have no job, no car, no family ties. I am 32 years old and i live with my one and only friend here in this area. I have more friends in mexico than i do here. I am really sad. I seem to attract people that treat me like $hit all the time. Recently i had a teacher/coworker talk mess on me saying things that i did not even say! i havent even been in the teaching field for 3 years!!!!! I always seem to have people say bad things about me. Noone ever says anything good. My roommate throws parties and when i would be in my room(too many people and i am shy) they would complain because they felt it wasnt right. When i found this out i came outside and people STILL didnt talk to me..I felt horrible. So i have to sacrifice my happiness for yours? People refuse to treat me well and i always seem to attract people that treat me in the most negative way. I really dont know what else to do anymore. I was diagnosed with depression and bipolar as well. i have no friends except for this one and i feel like his patience is running out with me too. i walk around in a daze half the time. i have too much faith to end my life, but i pray god will soon. I dont think i will ever get married as every woman that i meet and try to talk to ends up being full of drama..

I feel that with all these people, i must be doing something wrong..i just cant see it..can someone help me???
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Old 04-29-2011, 02:57 AM
 
977 posts, read 1,105,450 times
Reputation: 1927
Texas,
I am not a professional, but will try to help a little bit if I can. I'm sorry things have been so rough on you. I come from an abusive home situation, and from both my experience and talking with/reading about others like us, it seems most folks have issues wih self esteem when from that setting. So your response is "normal".

Have you been able to get any professional help? Therapy/counseling has helped me tremendously. Are you able to research on-line or read books about people in similar circumstances or backrounds? Any thing you can do to gain a better understanding of all the things that come into play when you've grown up with abuse will help you.

Just being age 32 is hard,(as I remember it) in some ways, especially without a family or support system. At that age you're expecting so much of yourself, looking so far into the future-----and no one really knows what our future will be. You can tell yourself your future will be bleak, or you can tell yourself you will do everything in your power to make sure it isn't. Try to evaluate your strengths rather than closely examine your weaknesses.

It's hard to believe in yourself when you've been put down so much, I know. I guess that's where "self-love" comes in. You have to tell yourself that you are good, that you are strong, that you are a great person, etc. when there's no one else who will. Sounds kinda silly, I guess, but by repeating positive things in your mind, and refusing to accept negative notions about your "worth", you can come to believe the good about yourself, then act on it. As one who has grappled with strong negative "self-talk" for most of my life, I can understand it can be difficult to get away from. But not impossible----really!

I know there are things about you that are positive. You've gone to school, gotten a degree(?), have faith and a belief system, are strong enough to know you won't attempt suicide, are physically attractive (all those women can't be wrong, can they?),and have perservered with moving forward in life even when faced with obstacles.

You can try again to see your sister. It probably hasn't been easy for her, either, so perhaps she wasn't ready to have you come over at that point---but don't give up. And don't assume you know why she didn't want to see you------I've assumed many things about people in the past, only to discover I was wrong. Find out the reasons, if you can, don't allow yourself to take a negative attitude about "the why".


I'm not being very clear tonight---sorry. I'm tired. I'm a lot older than you are---I'm 60---and age has some advantages in that I've seen more and interacted more with people than you've had a chance to yet. I've also had longer to work on my own self-doubts, self destructive thought patterns, and self defeating responses to things people say or do. Just know that you can change, you can become more self-assured, you can make friends, and more. You truly can. It takes work and practice and knowledge.
It helps a lot to have a support system. Even reaching out on-line is a good step. You're trying---and that's important to acknowledge! You haven't given up!

The party situation? You can learn social skills. You can learn how to converse with all types of people. (You may very well know all this, but because of depression, can find it difficult to practice). One thing my son told me" Mom, no one is attracted to negative people. If you act depressed or negative, no one is going to want to be around you. Try to be more positive." It's good advice. You've heard of "fake it till you make it"? Well, smile, act happy------as well as you can----and it will help you to get to where you actually feel happy, eventually. I know it's not easy, but any time you can think or act in a positive manner, it will be better for you in almost every way.

Sorry if this sounds trite or kinda simplistic. Just want to let you know someone is listening and someone cares. Good luck to you.
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Old 04-30-2011, 06:52 PM
 
55 posts, read 99,975 times
Reputation: 36
Thanks for your response..i actually have an update to this situation that i think kinda is helping. I have tried to get help. I tried going to a counselor at my college and she listened to me but that was pretty much it. Not much help there. I have tried to say positive things about myself. It works for a bit, but im talking 17 years of put downs. I can never get tired of hearing people say good things about myself, i just eat it up .

I did take your advice and i spoke to my sister. I let her know i was there and this is like the 10000000th time, but after this im here if she wants to come over, good and if not its her loss. I really liked the fake it till you make it, it made me smile.

My best friend came to me with a problem and for him, as positive as he is to break down was hard to watch. Inside though i have found the strength to keep going, cuz i am no longer doing it for me but for him as well. Thanks very much for your response. It really helped
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Old 05-01-2011, 12:28 AM
 
5,238 posts, read 7,952,986 times
Reputation: 11402
You have been diagnosed with depression and bipolar, are you on any meds? If not you might consider that. Are you BP 1 or 2? Some bipolar people do need to be on meds just to steady the moods.

I think you need a complete change, don't you? As you have a teaching background, have you ever considered teaching English abroad? It generally doesn't pay that well, but would be an entire change for you, a fresh start. People with depression, often have little self esteem, then add you the years of puts downs to that. You need some positive changes to make you see your own self worth. I think if you got a good job, and started fresh you might find you would be concentrating on the positives in the present rather than feeling the blows from the past keep hurting to such a great degree.

I have depression/anxiety/PTSD and I know the struggles. I've also taken yrs of abuse from my mom. Even when I was going through a divorce, and when stuttering from the anxiety attack she kept it up. It does have a lasting affect. If I stutter now through an attack I always think of her doing that to me. Positive affirmations are fine, and its good to practice that if possible, but it won't replace real positives in the present life. If you got a job you liked, found a nice girl you were crazy about, I bet you would feel 100 percent better. Everyone needs people that care, especially after being verbally abused and feeling a lack of confidence and self worth. The good thing is you do have time. Do your best to make the changes you can control, continue to work on yourself, check into the idea of meds if you havent already, look into a sliding scale clinic where you might be able talk to a counselor. Focus on the road ahead. Think about that teaching overseas thing, it could be a new and exciting experience for you. I think you are probably a pretty sensitive guy, thats good, but also can be a problem, because you can sometimes take things more seriously, or read more into things. Think about where you have met these pple that have treated you bad. Maybe you need to be looking at other places to meet pple, based on your interests, and volunteering one can sometimes meet nice caring pple. Do the best you can, be nice, kind and a good person, then when you look back, you can say you have done the best you could in that friendship or relationship, realize its not your problem, its theirs. You can sort things out, you have time on your side, some of us don't haha. And you have a desire to move forward and lead a happy productive life. Best wishes.
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