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Old 11-28-2012, 08:37 AM
 
16,433 posts, read 22,136,737 times
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68 here and no real friends other than my wife, and sometimes I wonder about her...
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Old 12-02-2012, 10:59 AM
 
Location: Inception
968 posts, read 2,613,674 times
Reputation: 1117
I really connected to this thread and it made me think a lot about my own life. I acknowledge that I'm generally introverted and a loner but professionally extroverted and socially active via charity. That professional "extrovert-ism" drains me where I prefer not to cultivate relationships personally and due to my strained relationship with family, I have no desire there.

In general, this dichotomy seems to bother me when other people bring it up or I hit life milestones. It wasn't until reading this thread where I realized I just have to get to a point of acceptance. I'm am not going to be a social butterfly in every aspect of my life and that is not a birth defect. Simultaneously, there are things I can do to improve my life's utility and reduce worry, fear and stress.

I have to accept who I am and feel comfortable with that. I'm not interested in being "fixed" but I should always be open to improving. I should be appreciative of the relationships at any level that are generally positive and not hold-on to all the things that never worked out.

I think because of the stigma of being a loner, it can infringe a feeling of loneliness and depression. Because a loner's life can be so frowned up, many of us thus feel a heighten level of loneliness and depression where in reality we are uncomfortable not being ourselves and unlike the majority. Perhaps, I may never have 500 FB or Twitter friends, or marry or be a parent but I have to accept that it does mean I cannot have a productive and happy life.

Easier said than applied but I'm trying
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Old 12-06-2012, 10:34 AM
 
101 posts, read 249,212 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Opinionated View Post
1. BE A FRIEND. Yes, it takes initiative to offer proof of your friendship. A word of encouragement or a helping hand may be the seed from which a great friendship will grow. American essayist Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “The only way to have a friend is to be one.”

2. MAKE TIME TO CULTIVATE A FRIENDSHIP. Most people desire the benefits of friendship. Yet, they are too busy to invest the necessary time. Share the happiness and success, the sorrows and disappointments, of others. Be minded the same way toward others as to yourselves. And remember, friendship, like a flowering plant, needs to be watered and nurtured for it to blossom—and that takes time.

3. PAY ATTENTION WHEN OTHERS TALK. Good, attentive listeners often find it easier to have friends. When you converse with others, show personal interest in their feelings. Encourage them to talk about themselves. Take the lead in displaying honor to them. Then they will want to be with you. Conversely, if you monopolize every conversation, or constantly put yourself in the limelight, you will have a hard time finding someone who is ready to listen or who cares about your feelings and needs.

4. BE FORGIVING. A true friend is quick to overlook minor failings. To illustrate: Some do not like eating raspberries because of their little seeds. Those who enjoy this fruit, however, do not notice the seeds. True friends are loved for their fine qualities; their minor faults are overlooked. Those who learn to be forgiving keep their friends.

5. RESPECT THE PRIVACY OF OTHERS. Everyone needs some privacy, including your friends. So be reasonable about the frequency and length of visits with friends. Avoid possessiveness, which can lead to jealousy. Use good judgment when expressing personal tastes and opinions on matters. This contributes to a refreshing and welcome friendship.

6. BE GENEROUS. Friendships are cultivated through generosity. For instance, share encouraging words with others. Be free with sincere commendation and upbuilding speech. When you show genuine interest in the well-being of others, they are drawn to you. Think about what you can do for them instead of focusing on what they can do for you.


Great advice
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Old 12-07-2012, 04:08 AM
 
Location: between here and there
1,030 posts, read 3,073,216 times
Reputation: 939
Wow! This post hit a nerve.

I'm a 54 woman and have acquaintances. Friends? A couple who float thru my life here and there.

And like the op, I too come from a fractured, dysfunctional birth family that made a normal childhood impossible. It was more of a survival mode existence. The youngest of 8 kids, I was a "play toy" for sadistic brothers and my mother was a narcissist so my well-being was not her concern.

After decades of abuse on all levels but mostly psychological, I broke ranks and have little to do with that family.

But sadly, the wounds and scars of my upbringing still linger.....

And one of the major after effects is the lack of trust of others so my friendless status manifested itself as a protection mechanism and very few get inside my circle.

Only recently, on my quest to understand my purpose in life (yeah 54 isn't too late is it lol) have I come across the introvert profile which fits me rather well although I do wonder: which came first; the distrust or the introversion? Hmmmmm

I hate to think my existence was purely to take up space, but if I think myself rather special, the fear of the narcissism trait clouds my thinking and my goal to be a more enlightened person is thwarted.....

Anyways, I write this in the early hours of another day in an awful job which sucks most of the life out of me for 7.5 hours....TGIF!!!!'

It may appear a bit fractured in content but my early morning thought process hasn't always been released from my dream state and flowing, disjointed rambles are the best I can do....
Peace.....
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Old 12-10-2012, 06:43 PM
 
16,235 posts, read 25,121,287 times
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Actually, I am a bit like that. I'm not alone, but I haven't invested a lot of time in friendships, not since my 30's. It just doesn't seem important to me....it may be more later, and I'm likely to feel just like you do now.
I know that a lot of people are intimidated by psychotherapist's, or anyone in medical. I work for an attorney, I tell him he's my Good son......because of our fun really genuinely caring friendship, I'm more likely to see attorneys as just another human, rather than being intimidated like I might have been.
I think you may need to join some civic type groups, church, volunteer at some shelters, or abuse centers...make a few opportunities to be around colleagues in an after hours, type situation. It may give you more opportunity to become peer friendly. If you are "the" psychotherapist in house at an agency...folks may be a bit afraid to treat you in a casual way. That's why I am suggesting that you look for opportunities elsewhere. You'll maybe get a few chances to let your hair down if you do civic, and non-professionally related activities.
Here's a thought also. Maybe start a professional's support group. Maybe gear it towards good works...Get others to join, it would be another chance to "humanize" yourself.
My best male friend is a PhD in psychology...But to me he will always just be Paul. He and I were colleagues doing disaster work about 16 years ago, respected each other professionally and friendship grew. He and his wife are our,...my husband and myself.... best friends. Let yourself go there w/ a select few...You sound like someone that would have a lot to offer in the way of friendship. Good luck on this...and don't forget to count your friends on City-Data
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Old 12-14-2012, 08:23 PM
 
Location: On the edge of the universe
994 posts, read 1,588,776 times
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I'm 30 and don't have any friends. I gave up caring about other people a long time ago, long before CD was online. It doesn't seem worth it to me.
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Old 12-14-2012, 08:38 PM
 
3,276 posts, read 7,827,809 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fireandice1000 View Post
I'm 30 and don't have any friends. I gave up caring about other people a long time ago, long before CD was online. It doesn't seem worth it to me.
It's unbelievable how many a-holes there are out there. It really is. The ones who aren't obvious jerks or losers act fake and put on a friendly facade, but it doesn't take long to figure them out.

At best, I would say that one out of 50 people I meet is a truly nice, down to earth person who genuinely treats others with respect and doesn't put on a false front.

I don't bother trying to form friendships with fake people, which unfortunately is the vast majority of people out there. It's a waste of time.
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Old 12-14-2012, 10:54 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,284 posts, read 12,892,507 times
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Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band ( Full Album Remastered 2009) - The Beatles - YouTube
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Old 12-19-2012, 07:03 AM
 
Location: super bizarre weather land
884 posts, read 1,168,421 times
Reputation: 1928
I am young but moved across the country with my BF three years ago. I am very glad he came with me, otherwise I would be talking to myself 95% of the time. My friends and family are all in my state of origin (or neighboring states). I do wonder if it's true that most of your friendships are cultivated when you are young, I am in my mid 20s and it already seems to be difficult to make new friends. The majority of my friendships were cultivated in elementary school and high school. I know I have friends for life among them. But they are thousands of miles away...I also have some family members halfway between here and there, in another state, but that's still over a thousand miles...I always get sad when I have to leave them and come back here.

I have a few casual friends here. Only one of them lives close enough to hang out on a regular basis (the others I only see if I go up to their area or they come down here, a distance of hundreds of miles). I see her maybe once or twice a month, on a weekend, we go out and stuff. I like her and I enjoy our time together. Of course it isn't the same..I do feel pretty isolated here...and it's affected my relationship...it isn't fair to make my BF fill the role of family, close friend, etc all at once. I didn't have to do that back home, and our relationship was better and a lot less stressful. I don't like leaning so much on one person. I feel like I have been here for 3 years, and I've totally failed at making a go of it. And my circumstances likely won't change. I am friendly with my coworkers but we are just in different places in life. They all have kids my age. I have tried meetup.com and such but a lot of those groups are just so cliquey, they don't really want new members, which is why often you will see 150+ members but the same 15-20 people turning out for each meetup. Or at least, that has been my experience.

My solution is to work at moving back towards home, maybe not in my home state, but at least a state close to family/friends with a better economic environment. Sorry for whining OP, and other posters (i know this thread was recently bumped). I am happy to have new friends. I promise to respond if someone messages me

I do have dogs, and they tend to be conversation starters...which is great...but it's like most of my interactions with people here are superficial...and that's all I have come to expect for the most part. I'd like more (and to be fair, my friends are more than that, but I knew them before I moved, so it's like I had built-in friends. Oh, the wonders of the internet!) but it doesn't seem to be possible. At least there is no shortage of things to do here...so that helps. I do get out of the house quite a bit.
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Old 12-25-2012, 05:55 PM
 
Location: NYC
2 posts, read 5,644 times
Reputation: 20
I must say this thread hit a nerve. I am 42 never been married, very outgoing and honest and have come to realize that the people I have surrounded myself with or grown up with over the years have turned out to be just acquaintances and not real friends. I'm actually envious when I see groups of friends together doing things be it just hanging out or going on vacations.

I have always tried being a good friend to anyone around me but it never got it reciprocated so I have slowly started to phase them out of my life. A real friend is there in thick and thin not only when they need something.

There has been some really great advice on this thread thank you to all who have contributed.
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