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Old 10-12-2018, 08:09 AM
 
Location: Elsewhere
88,224 posts, read 84,144,315 times
Reputation: 114530

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
Hmm. I had to read this carefully to make sure I didn't write it. But I'm not a therapist, I'm 52, and a few other details are slightly off.

I'm trying, but I feel that it's futile sometimes. Joined a couple of writers' groups throught Meetup.com because writing is something I like to do (a solitary activity, of course). Didn't find any best buddies or anything, but it gets me out of the house a few times a month.

I am not glad you are having these problems, but it was good to read what you wrote that I bolded. I don't understand it, either. I am liked to a degree, oddly enough, at work--I know a lot of people and my coworkers are always noting that everyone throughout the company knows me, but I feel that distance, too. And I don't have a single friend that I could call up and say, "Hey, let's go to the movies or have a drink."

Anyway, I'm doing what the others have suggested. Trying to do some activities with strangers as a start.
Interesting. Someone gave me a rep for this post that I wrote back in 2011.

Life did change. I went to the writers groups and stuck with one for a while, and I also went to a writers retreat with a coworker who also liked to write, and we became pretty good friends.

I volunteered to be on the board of my condo association, and found that friend that I could have a drink with. I joined a small church full of whacky people and made friends there. A couple of older friendships were also reignited as those women found themselves in the same situation.

So, things changed, partly because I made an effort, and partly because of chance.
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Old 10-13-2018, 07:54 PM
 
108 posts, read 134,311 times
Reputation: 80
Default Commitments

.like volunteering.what if you don't like commitments?
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Old 10-14-2018, 07:03 PM
 
22,619 posts, read 24,441,992 times
Reputation: 20265
There are just some people, for one reason or another, who are societal-outcasts.........people cannot stand them and do not want to be around them.

Not saying that is the case with the OP.......just pointing out one dynamic that happens with regard to this scenario.
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Old 03-08-2019, 12:28 PM
 
1 posts, read 1,193 times
Reputation: 25
Hello Windsong44: I have some of the same issues and I do not understand this either. I used to be pretty when I was young and had friends - but unlike you, I have always been shy. Even so, I try to put myself out there so to speak. And what happens is that I put forth effort and then get dropped. Sometimes I will send emails and just do not get replies; I don't get it. I also reached out to what I thought was a good friend from years past. She was not on Facebook but I found her address and wrote a letter asking for a reply; no reply. I found her brother online and sent him an email asking her to reach out to me; he gave her the note and my email address - but nothing. Since this happens time and time again, I am now guarded and don't even want to keep trying over and over only to get hurt. I wish someone could just tell me what I am doing wrong when it comes to people cuz I am stumped! I am educated with a masters degree and have always had decent jobs - have a wonderful husband and son. But my son is all grown up, graduated, working and has his own place and his own friends; he does not need dear old mom that much anymore. I miss having friends; sad that I have none. Yes, feel sorry for me anyone - I do need a bit of sympathy for continually trying to no avail. Any suggestions would be wonderful and appreciated! Thanks! Windsong, let me know if you find something that works for you and I'll try too. Thx!
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Old 03-08-2019, 12:53 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
5,353 posts, read 5,776,319 times
Reputation: 6561
Quote:
Originally Posted by Silkspinner View Post
Hello Windsong44: I have some of the same issues and I do not understand this either. I used to be pretty when I was young and had friends - but unlike you, I have always been shy. Even so, I try to put myself out there so to speak. And what happens is that I put forth effort and then get dropped. Sometimes I will send emails and just do not get replies; I don't get it. I also reached out to what I thought was a good friend from years past. She was not on Facebook but I found her address and wrote a letter asking for a reply; no reply. I found her brother online and sent him an email asking her to reach out to me; he gave her the note and my email address - but nothing. Since this happens time and time again, I am now guarded and don't even want to keep trying over and over only to get hurt. I wish someone could just tell me what I am doing wrong when it comes to people cuz I am stumped! I am educated with a masters degree and have always had decent jobs - have a wonderful husband and son. But my son is all grown up, graduated, working and has his own place and his own friends; he does not need dear old mom that much anymore. I miss having friends; sad that I have none. Yes, feel sorry for me anyone - I do need a bit of sympathy for continually trying to no avail. Any suggestions would be wonderful and appreciated! Thanks! Windsong, let me know if you find something that works for you and I'll try too. Thx!
Well, I don't exactly have advice, as I go through the same things since moving 6 years ago. Be thankful for your husband and son. I'm single with no family. I feel like I'm on an island. I only say that to let you know you're not the only one. Like you, I can be shy and am also an introvert. I'm sure that contributes, but I also feel like I must be doing something wrong. Its either that, or most people just don't care anymore about forming new friendships because it requires some sort of effort on their part. I don't know. Times have changed, and not for the better.
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Old 03-12-2019, 03:00 PM
419
 
121 posts, read 164,087 times
Reputation: 212
Quote:
Originally Posted by Silkspinner View Post
Hello Windsong44: I have some of the same issues and I do not understand this either. I used to be pretty when I was young and had friends - but unlike you, I have always been shy. Even so, I try to put myself out there so to speak. And what happens is that I put forth effort and then get dropped. Sometimes I will send emails and just do not get replies; I don't get it. I also reached out to what I thought was a good friend from years past. She was not on Facebook but I found her address and wrote a letter asking for a reply; no reply. I found her brother online and sent him an email asking her to reach out to me; he gave her the note and my email address - but nothing. Since this happens time and time again, I am now guarded and don't even want to keep trying over and over only to get hurt. I wish someone could just tell me what I am doing wrong when it comes to people cuz I am stumped! I am educated with a masters degree and have always had decent jobs - have a wonderful husband and son. But my son is all grown up, graduated, working and has his own place and his own friends; he does not need dear old mom that much anymore. I miss having friends; sad that I have none. Yes, feel sorry for me anyone - I do need a bit of sympathy for continually trying to no avail. Any suggestions would be wonderful and appreciated! Thanks! Windsong, let me know if you find something that works for you and I'll try too. Thx!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlguy39 View Post
Well, I don't exactly have advice, as I go through the same things since moving 6 years ago. Be thankful for your husband and son. I'm single with no family. I feel like I'm on an island. I only say that to let you know you're not the only one. Like you, I can be shy and am also an introvert. I'm sure that contributes, but I also feel like I must be doing something wrong. Its either that, or most people just don't care anymore about forming new friendships because it requires some sort of effort on their part. I don't know. Times have changed, and not for the better.

Silkspinner, I probably could have written your post, except for the part about having a husband and son. You are very lucky to have them. I am in the same boat as Atlguy39, unfortunately. It sucks to be single with no family, and friends who are now too busy with their own lives to even respond to an email or letter. Sadly, I can relate. I wish I had some good advice for you. I hope it helps to know you're not alone, and your situation is even enviable to people like me.
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Old 03-13-2019, 12:18 PM
 
Location: Southern California
12,697 posts, read 14,840,320 times
Reputation: 15206
OK OP hasn't been on this board since 11/2011.

Normally, I won't post, but since thre's still a lot of recent activity, some of you may be interested in this similar thread in the Non-Romantic Relationships section:

//www.city-data.com/forum/non-r...o-friends.html

Now I said this over there back in 10/2016 so I don't have to retype here:

"startingfromscratchagain, your thread intrigued me. Firstly, to answer your question about whether it's normal for an adult to have NO friends at all...it could be normal if the person doesn't care one way or the other if they have friends or not.

I don't really have any friends, unless you want to count my SO (significant other). I'm an only child who's only had ONE pal, maybe 2 during ANY period of my life (elementary school, jr. high, teens, 20s, 30s) & no I DIDN'T move around a lot OR at all. Only moved 2x's in my whole life & the locations were w/ an hour's drive from each other.

I say the word PAL because that term is more casual than a FRIEND. Believe it or not, I've NEVER in my life had any CLOSE friends, been part of a group of friends, or had the type of close friend who talked to each other on the phone or hung out on a regular basis.

Everywhere I was school, church, work, everyone always had their own friends so they didn't care about getting to know me to possibly be closer. I tried to form friendships w/ a few. Some worked out, some didn't.

My ONE friend (other than my SO) now is a lady I met while in 1 little college class together 8 yrs ago. We may see each other every 1-3 yrs to meet for lunch. We never talk on the phone. We email sometimes. SO I would call that person more than an acquaintance yet FAR from a close friend. However, she's the only pal I've got (other than my SO).

I'm an only child who's really great & makes a great friend IF the person wants to get to know me, but rarely do they reciprocate my friendship & I'm not the type who initiates get togethers more than they do w/ me. Friendships are 50/50 in which no one person should do all the calling, etc. I'm an only child who's used to solitude. I don't seek out friends. If I meet one where I already am at school or work, then fine, but I haven't joined clubs, etc. I don't beg anyone to be my friend. If I see they dont' want to be bothered, I soon stop initiating get-togethers.

If you have the type of mentality like I do in which I don't need friends & that they're great to have, but I don't need them to make me happy, then that's the outlook to have. I'm not going to get all depressed because I have no friends. I keep myself pretty busy w/ things.

Honestly though, I'm glad I have a long-term SO/fiance to do things with."

My Current Thoughts:

Nowadays, it's still the same. I haven't had any more friends than I've had the last time I posted, in fact, my one kind of long-lasting friendship that I talked about before is pretty much over. She was obviously "too busy" to get together w/ me even just once every 1-2 yrs because she kept flaking out the last few times, so I'm done w/ her too. Friendships can't keep going if only 1 person wants it...BOTH have to keep it up. I had known her for 10 yrs.

I don't see my friend situation changing anytime soon. I'm still w/ my SO (now fiance'), so that's good enough for me! He still has his 1 friend who he talks on the phone w/ every few or so months. He exchanged #s w/ a couple guys from his last job, so I don't know how long they'll stay in touch.
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Old 03-19-2019, 08:53 AM
419
 
121 posts, read 164,087 times
Reputation: 212
Quote:
Originally Posted by Forever Blue View Post
OK OP hasn't been on this board since 11/2011.

Normally, I won't post, but since thre's still a lot of recent activity, some of you may be interested in this similar thread in the Non-Romantic Relationships section:

//www.city-data.com/forum/non-r...o-friends.html

Now I said this over there back in 10/2016 so I don't have to retype here:

"startingfromscratchagain, your thread intrigued me. Firstly, to answer your question about whether it's normal for an adult to have NO friends at all...it could be normal if the person doesn't care one way or the other if they have friends or not.

I don't really have any friends, unless you want to count my SO (significant other). I'm an only child who's only had ONE pal, maybe 2 during ANY period of my life (elementary school, jr. high, teens, 20s, 30s) & no I DIDN'T move around a lot OR at all. Only moved 2x's in my whole life & the locations were w/ an hour's drive from each other.

I say the word PAL because that term is more casual than a FRIEND. Believe it or not, I've NEVER in my life had any CLOSE friends, been part of a group of friends, or had the type of close friend who talked to each other on the phone or hung out on a regular basis.

Everywhere I was school, church, work, everyone always had their own friends so they didn't care about getting to know me to possibly be closer. I tried to form friendships w/ a few. Some worked out, some didn't.

My ONE friend (other than my SO) now is a lady I met while in 1 little college class together 8 yrs ago. We may see each other every 1-3 yrs to meet for lunch. We never talk on the phone. We email sometimes. SO I would call that person more than an acquaintance yet FAR from a close friend. However, she's the only pal I've got (other than my SO).

I'm an only child who's really great & makes a great friend IF the person wants to get to know me, but rarely do they reciprocate my friendship & I'm not the type who initiates get togethers more than they do w/ me. Friendships are 50/50 in which no one person should do all the calling, etc. I'm an only child who's used to solitude. I don't seek out friends. If I meet one where I already am at school or work, then fine, but I haven't joined clubs, etc. I don't beg anyone to be my friend. If I see they dont' want to be bothered, I soon stop initiating get-togethers.

If you have the type of mentality like I do in which I don't need friends & that they're great to have, but I don't need them to make me happy, then that's the outlook to have. I'm not going to get all depressed because I have no friends. I keep myself pretty busy w/ things.

Honestly though, I'm glad I have a long-term SO/fiance to do things with."

My Current Thoughts:

Nowadays, it's still the same. I haven't had any more friends than I've had the last time I posted, in fact, my one kind of long-lasting friendship that I talked about before is pretty much over. She was obviously "too busy" to get together w/ me even just once every 1-2 yrs because she kept flaking out the last few times, so I'm done w/ her too. Friendships can't keep going if only 1 person wants it...BOTH have to keep it up. I had known her for 10 yrs.

I don't see my friend situation changing anytime soon. I'm still w/ my SO (now fiance'), so that's good enough for me! He still has his 1 friend who he talks on the phone w/ every few or so months. He exchanged #s w/ a couple guys from his last job, so I don't know how long they'll stay in touch.
I can relate to the parts about other people not initiating get-togethers. I have tended to be the one who makes the effort, and after a while I stop if there's no reciprocation, because I don't want to bother anyone.

You are very lucky to have a significant other to do things with though. That makes all the difference in the world!
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Old 03-19-2019, 01:28 PM
 
Location: Southern California
12,697 posts, read 14,840,320 times
Reputation: 15206
Quote:
Originally Posted by 419 View Post
I can relate to the parts about other people not initiating get-togethers. I have tended to be the one who makes the effort, and after a while I stop if there's no reciprocation, because I don't want to bother anyone.

You are very lucky to have a significant other to do things with though. That makes all the difference in the world!
Thanks, yes having a SO helps a lot because just him & I can do things & I don't really care about anyone else.

Yes, after so many initiations of trying to get together, become friends, etc., no use continuing if the other person never doesn't anything.

I do have a cousin who I've connected w/ & we take turns calling each other every month w/o fail for the last 2 yrs so far now. She & I also meet up once a year for a fun day. That's been nice.

I have another cousin who I tried to connect w/ & start keeping in touch w/, but after I called her once a few mos ago, she never called again...guess she doesn't want to stay in touch. Oh well!

Lastly, I met one gal at my old work & I really tried to be friends w/ her & suggest things & she'd say "yeah, let's do this or that", but then I never hear anything more about it from her.
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Old 07-16-2019, 07:50 PM
 
1 posts, read 963 times
Reputation: 10
Hello,

I can truly relate. I am 52 with no friends and it is so that I hope to relocate to another state. I was a church goer and the church has changed and became angry at my inability to move i their direction. Here I have been pushed, snatched, stared upon, and met with abrupt behavior.

Now, I ha e been told to go to another church yet their all friends. So now I stay home Sunday’s and hope to meet a nice man at a book club or other equally moral event or social club.

Listening to these individual cost me my marriage and forced me into thinking that having sex with your husband can feel like rape if he is cheating. So being 25 yrs old and quiet I followed what I thought was good advice and out my then husband in jail hoping he would stop cheating.

Needless to say his family hates me and have since moved on to have cars, money, vacations an and celebrations. My daughter has been pushed aside as they frequently tell her that they never liked me and that I am crazy and called my mom terrible things after she died. Both my parents died in 2013 and their use of profanity toward her has her flying off the handle with frequent use of profanity.

Being that I was an only child and neglected I found it easy to be a follower and she has taken the same behavior.

My job has recently abused me with making me work and travel without pay. Not including my name on important meetings or even worse making me lifetime pallets of books alone until I feel to the floor in exhaustion.

Well hope that I can one day be accepted as a human.

Last edited by Sbrush; 07-16-2019 at 07:51 PM.. Reason: Change sign in name
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