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Old 05-31-2011, 10:36 AM
 
Location: Land of Free Johnson-Weld-2016
6,470 posts, read 16,342,251 times
Reputation: 6518

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I love how people are blaming the victim here. People in many cases are attracted to others as "friends" for reasons. Either they have a lot on common, or in some cases because they feel they can "capitalize" on the "friendship" either now or at some point in the future.

Either the other party is physically attractive or may be able to provide financial help or be helpful in his/her career. There are lots of people who will not approach a stranger simply because they like the person. So, I think an older, single woman may have fewer people wanting to be her "friend."

Just IMO. I haven't had a close bosom-buddy type of friend since college. Actually she turned out to not really be interested in just being my "friend" (shudder) so I guess I was deluded for several years. I do try to keep in touch with my friends, but honestly we're all so busy and live so far apart.

In the ebb and flow of "friendship" I have had two girlfriends be closer than others before my marriage. One became inseparable for a while, but not because she liked me, but I suspect because I knew a lot of eligible guys at the time and she wanted to date them...which she proceeded to do in short order.

One of my other girlfriends and I began spending like a lot of time together...and she BALDLY told me that she was friends with me because I was 'goodlooking.' LOL so when I'm not "good-looking..." I also think a lot of my friends would not be friends with me if I were poor or uneducated or unattractive.

Doesn't that suck?

Soo I'm not sure what friend means. Maybe it's ok if your friends only value you for superficial reasons...at least there are people you know who can help you out in a jam, or vice versa...even if neither of you are perfect. Right? Ugh

It would be awesome to be friends again with someone I genuinely liked and enjoyed hanging around with for NO reason...
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Old 05-31-2011, 05:26 PM
 
18,837 posts, read 37,246,819 times
Reputation: 26458
If you want friends, you need to make an effort to find people to connect with. That means, developing an interest, like going to a book club, and socializing.

I have no friends. I am okay with that. I don't want to socialize, I would rather just be alone for now.
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Old 06-04-2011, 07:33 PM
 
Location: East Coast
2,932 posts, read 5,403,228 times
Reputation: 4455
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
Hmm. I had to read this carefully to make sure I didn't write it. But I'm not a therapist, I'm 52, and a few other details are slightly off.
I've read a lot of your posts since I joined City-Data, and I'm surprised by this one. Why? To me, you seem like a likable, intelligent person.
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Old 06-04-2011, 08:02 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
16,077 posts, read 28,474,702 times
Reputation: 18189
Quote:
Originally Posted by Windsong44 View Post
I'm not asking for sympathy here. Just....not sure what.
I literally have no friends. I used to, in my younger days. When I was young, thin and pretty, and more social. But I took friendship for granted, and didn't work at it. Then married, had a couple of children, then ten years later got a divorce. Without going into a long detailed story, my childhood and marriage included the garden variety of challenges --parental alcoholism, personal illness, sexual abuse, abusive marriage, miscarriages. Out of the mess, I rose to my own occasion and got a college degree and raised my children. After my divorce, I literally gave all my time, money, attention, and energy to my children. I dated only once, only had one or two women friends, never went out, worked hard and went back to school. I never had parties, rarely had other kids over for my kids, talked to neighbors very little, went to very few social functions. Over time, my few friends went to the back burner. Now my kids are grown, don't need me in the same way (of course!), and I......am alone. Parents gone. Ex gone. Brother gone. Best friend gone. And old friends.....not really interested. I recently wrote three old friends a letter, hoping for reconnection. No responses. I have had 3 co-worker type friends I text, suggest dinner, etc. Not much response. I can feel when I walk in a room, a sort of cool response. I can feel when I'm with clients at work, a distance. I don't think people warm up to me. I am a strong and independent person, educated, with good empathy and am pretty interesting. I am very comfortable with people, except my peers. So here is the kicker -- I'm actually a psychotherapist. But I don't understand why I am not liked. Please no cruel remarks. I'm really trying to understand this.
As a psychotherapist, how would you respond to a client with the same question?

Not knowing you and without the ability to see body language, why is a question difficult to answer. Could it be you're projecting your own cool responses?

When you don't feel comfortable, its not likely you'll come across as warm and friendly.
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Old 06-05-2011, 02:09 PM
 
Location: in a pond with the other human scum
2,361 posts, read 2,524,467 times
Reputation: 2803
I've followed this thread because I felt like I had a lot in common with Windsong- not no friends per se (although I wonder how good a friend some of them might be when I needed them), but just alienated from those around me in a number of ways. I'm sorry she hasn't responded and hope she's all right. If you are following the thread, WS, it might be helpful to engage us-- you've certainly got the mental health background to understand the issues, and I think a lot of us could benefit from such engagement.

There's no one path to lead a life any more, and it's scary and difficult to forge our own-- such is the tyranny of freedom that we have, no longer serfs tied to a feudal lord or members of a tribe.
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Old 06-05-2011, 02:26 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
16,077 posts, read 28,474,702 times
Reputation: 18189
Quote:
Originally Posted by cyrano View Post
I'm sorry she hasn't responded and hope she's all right. If you are following the thread, WS, it might be helpful to engage us--
I hope shes okay, just busy.
But. this may be an indication that she drops the ball once she engages others. Its a two way street.
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Old 06-05-2011, 05:44 PM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
6,875 posts, read 11,197,503 times
Reputation: 10762
Smile Very sad today

I went back and read this thread and I feel like this today. I did it to myself though so I feel awful.

I committed to go to something for 3 days with a group of women I know from a book group. Nice time, beautiful resort. Everyone had roommates but me. A lot of the women in this group have had longterm friendships and I'm newer to the group. I also don't come to every meeting and I have to be driven and dropped off usually, then picked me up because of my poor vision.

That, in itself, scares people. So, my dear husband was supposed to drive me to this (2 hours away). His work schedule was difficult this weekend and he is not even near getting done what he needs to get done. Plus, he would have to pick up within 24 hours so total drive time for him was 8 hours. Way too much.

I was supposed to be there for 3 years (then it became 1 day due to my work schedule). Informed everyone, all cool. Then, my husband's schedule buckled and I wasn't able to go. So, I feel awful - it would have been a fun fun time and I feel these women just don't understand - most of them are very nice, lovely women who just were in the right place at the right time - all college educated, children grown, doing well, all that. I'm the odd ball.

I come from a family of 4. My sibs are all very social, very engaged people, super creative, beautiful events at their homes, etc. etc. Tons of friends, people just gravitate to all of them but not me.

They all say it's because I always worked so much but I had to work to help support our parents and that snowballed. Now, I know I need to lose weight - right now, I just hate myself for not being at this lovely resort - and I'm just totally down.

Now, my grown daughter (26) would just tell me to go have a drink (she would) and drown my sorrows. She'd say - you'll get over it.

I try to be thankful for what I have but I am lonely - I work pretty much by myself even though I have clients - a lot of it is e-mail and by phone - I have 2 wonderful children (26, 22), a good husband (who is very comfortable in his own skin and is an
only child so he's fine with limited contact) - I have acquaintenances but I feel I am lonely and not being able to jump into a car and drive somewhere is limiting - I can do very short distances but not what I want.

Last edited by Bette; 06-05-2011 at 05:51 PM.. Reason: Added words
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Old 06-09-2011, 02:43 PM
 
1,518 posts, read 5,257,561 times
Reputation: 1486
Call up those women and ask for a ride. It would be a great way to make friends with them! Do it now.
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Old 06-10-2011, 08:03 PM
 
Location: Elsewhere
88,210 posts, read 84,094,155 times
Reputation: 114508
Quote:
Originally Posted by LibraGirl123 View Post
I've read a lot of your posts since I joined City-Data, and I'm surprised by this one. Why? To me, you seem like a likable, intelligent person.
Thank you! That was nice to read.

I don't know what it is, but I've just always felt as though I don't fit in, or I'm not like the other children. People do seem to like me, and I have great conversations with people when I'm in a social situation, but I don't seem to develop close friendships anymore.

On another thread, I mused about beginning a meetup-type group for people my age who are sort of starting over in life., or maybe more accurately, wondering what the next phase should be. Most people in their fifties are established, have their families, their social circle, etc. I am single (long divorced), my only child is in college and leaving to spend a year on the other side of the planet, I moved to a place where I know only a couple of people, and I'm sort of trying to figure out what to do next. There have to be other people in similar situations.
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Old 06-11-2011, 03:43 PM
 
6,441 posts, read 5,235,775 times
Reputation: 13564
Quote:
Originally Posted by Windsong44 View Post
I'm not asking for sympathy here. Just....not sure what.
I literally have no friends. I used to, in my younger days. When I was young, thin and pretty, and more social. But I took friendship for granted, and didn't work at it. Then married, had a couple of children, then ten years later got a divorce. Without going into a long detailed story, my childhood and marriage included the garden variety of challenges --parental alcoholism, personal illness, sexual abuse, abusive marriage, miscarriages. Out of the mess, I rose to my own occasion and got a college degree and raised my children. After my divorce, I literally gave all my time, money, attention, and energy to my children. I dated only once, only had one or two women friends, never went out, worked hard and went back to school. I never had parties, rarely had other kids over for my kids, talked to neighbors very little, went to very few social functions. Over time, my few friends went to the back burner. Now my kids are grown, don't need me in the same way (of course!), and I......am alone. Parents gone. Ex gone. Brother gone. Best friend gone. And old friends.....not really interested. I recently wrote three old friends a letter, hoping for reconnection. No responses. I have had 3 co-worker type friends I text, suggest dinner, etc. Not much response. I can feel when I walk in a room, a sort of cool response. I can feel when I'm with clients at work, a distance. I don't think people warm up to me. I am a strong and independent person, educated, with good empathy and am pretty interesting. I am very comfortable with people, except my peers. So here is the kicker -- I'm actually a psychotherapist. But I don't understand why I am not liked. Please no cruel remarks. I'm really trying to understand this.
This is a very familiar life style and I'm thinking you are suffering from a deficiency of right brain activity. Think about all of the creative things you wanted to do (maybe just one biggy) and go for it. Drawing - Painting - Buying unfinished furniture and doing it yourself - unique interior design - anything and everything you longed for all the way back to childhood and teen years. Those things you don't need math and meetings for. The physical activity that stonecypher5413 is doing is terrific (I'm checking into that!). But (I think ) you still need to activate your creative side.

There are always predators looking for someone to crap on. Not feeling peaceful with yourself is like a magnet drawing them to you. When you walk into a room at rest with your own power, no longer hoping that someone will be your friend, those worth having will start heading your way.
P.S. I'm 65
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