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Old 06-11-2011, 05:00 PM
 
5,715 posts, read 15,012,982 times
Reputation: 2949

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Windsong44 View Post
I'm not asking for sympathy here. Just....not sure what.
I literally have no friends. I used to, in my younger days. When I was young, thin and pretty, and more social. But I took friendship for granted, and didn't work at it. Then married, had a couple of children, then ten years later got a divorce. Without going into a long detailed story, my childhood and marriage included the garden variety of challenges --parental alcoholism, personal illness, sexual abuse, abusive marriage, miscarriages. Out of the mess, I rose to my own occasion and got a college degree and raised my children. After my divorce, I literally gave all my time, money, attention, and energy to my children. I dated only once, only had one or two women friends, never went out, worked hard and went back to school. I never had parties, rarely had other kids over for my kids, talked to neighbors very little, went to very few social functions. Over time, my few friends went to the back burner. Now my kids are grown, don't need me in the same way (of course!), and I......am alone. Parents gone. Ex gone. Brother gone. Best friend gone. And old friends.....not really interested. I recently wrote three old friends a letter, hoping for reconnection. No responses. I have had 3 co-worker type friends I text, suggest dinner, etc. Not much response. I can feel when I walk in a room, a sort of cool response. I can feel when I'm with clients at work, a distance. I don't think people warm up to me. I am a strong and independent person, educated, with good empathy and am pretty interesting. I am very comfortable with people, except my peers. So here is the kicker -- I'm actually a psychotherapist. But I don't understand why I am not liked. Please no cruel remarks. I'm really trying to understand this.
I feel your pain, Windsong.

And, it's all there in your post -- the "why" of why you have a hard time connecting, "Parental alcoholism, personal illness, sexual abuse, abusive marriage, miscarriages." If you're a psychotherapist, I'm not telling you anything that you don't know...

As far as "not being liked"... I doubt that is true. I don't know you but I bet it has more to do with walls you've put up over a lifetime that keeps people at a distance. Walls that were meant to protect your secrets...

As far as "co-worker type friends" go,... I don't think that's the place to forge real friendships. Most of us are glad to get away from work at the end of the day and don't want to spend time with the people we work with after hours. There are always exceptions but... in general I think that is the case for most of us.

I wonder what would you tell a patient to do in your situation?

I bet you know exactly what kinds of things that you can do to start to connect with people.
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Old 06-11-2011, 11:31 PM
 
Location: Pennsylvania
1,659 posts, read 2,768,065 times
Reputation: 2441
Quote:
Originally Posted by World Citizen View Post
I feel your pain, Windsong.


As far as "co-worker type friends" go,... I don't think that's the place to forge real friendships. Most of us are glad to get away from work at the end of the day and don't want to spend time with the people we work with after hours. There are always exceptions but... in general I think that is the case for most of us.

I wonder what would you tell a patient to do in your situation?

I bet you know exactly what kinds of things that you can do to start to connect with people.
I agree because if you confide in them they have the power to be very destructive.
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Old 06-12-2011, 12:32 AM
 
Location: Next stop Antarctica
1,802 posts, read 2,914,128 times
Reputation: 2129
Thing is as we get older it's not so easy to make friends like the ones we had when young, the ones you meet now will be what i call aquaintances, i found when i retired i had no real friends, so i went out and joined a couple of clubs and a walking group, we also have other activities like dining out and theatre, its fun to be with other people, you would be surprised just how many people are in the same boat as yourself, just looking for friendship. Just be yourself.
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Old 06-13-2011, 09:01 PM
 
Location: USA
4,978 posts, read 9,489,670 times
Reputation: 2506
I won't write and tell you what to do. I can really relate to you, the OP, because I have moved all over the country to stay employed, went back to school, and my spare time was minimal while raising my kids.

The job I had last year had me working 7 days a week, nonstop nights and weekends. Talk about no social life.

I have been in book stores, and never met a person in one yet. I think people go to the store to buy things, and they aren't hanging out trying to meet others.
I have been to "meetings", etc., and it is the same way. People are going to the meeting --- to go to the meeting.

So, you aren't off here. I am a friendly person, but I noticed most people don't want to talk with someone they don't know. They have their agenda, they are on their way, they have their friends and family, and aren't looking to meet anyone new.

I have made people less important in my life. I do a lot of creative work on my own. I sort of see life as being like an animal. We need to eat, to get by, and I don't think animals die from not being around other animals.

I have my life, I do what I want, and I am not butt ugly, but I don't find tons of people who want to hang out with me. I am your age, 56, and everyone I run into is married. I get bored running into them. I don't want to go over to a married couple's home. I don't want to hang out in book stores. I don't meet single people my age.

So I do what I want.
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Old 06-18-2011, 07:07 PM
 
1,301 posts, read 3,561,972 times
Reputation: 2003
Quote:
I am a friendly person, but I noticed most people don't want to talk with someone they don't know. They have their agenda, they are on their way, they have their friends and family, and aren't looking to meet anyone new.
You are quite right. And this is a fact of modern life that goes unacknowledged by most people who are helpfully trying to give advice. After a certain age, people become less open to making new friends, especially after they have become "established" - career, marriage, family. In part it's understandable because all our daily lives have gotten very complex, but it's also their loss that they are so comfortable (or confined) to their tight-knit circles, or their series of circles. You'd be amazed at how so many people get through their social lives by just drifting from circle to circle aimlessly - always buffered from loneliness by an interlocking gaggle of very casual friends. They don't really know how to meet new people any better than you do.

In other words, if you can't seem to get people to warm up to you, it's very likely not just "you." Group dynamics also exist that are taking up all of these individuals' time and attention.

However, eventually many people reach a point in their lives where their friendship circles fail them, and they have to go outside their comfort zone and turn to strangers. The only difference between you and them is that you may have been living outside the comfort zone for a longer time.
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Old 06-18-2011, 07:20 PM
 
2,079 posts, read 4,939,252 times
Reputation: 1895
Quote:
Originally Posted by Windsong44 View Post
I'm not asking for sympathy here. Just....not sure what.
I literally have no friends. I used to, in my younger days. When I was young, thin and pretty, and more social. But I took friendship for granted, and didn't work at it. Then married, had a couple of children, then ten years later got a divorce. Without going into a long detailed story, my childhood and marriage included the garden variety of challenges --parental alcoholism, personal illness, sexual abuse, abusive marriage, miscarriages. Out of the mess, I rose to my own occasion and got a college degree and raised my children. After my divorce, I literally gave all my time, money, attention, and energy to my children. I dated only once, only had one or two women friends, never went out, worked hard and went back to school. I never had parties, rarely had other kids over for my kids, talked to neighbors very little, went to very few social functions. Over time, my few friends went to the back burner. Now my kids are grown, don't need me in the same way (of course!), and I......am alone. Parents gone. Ex gone. Brother gone. Best friend gone. And old friends.....not really interested. I recently wrote three old friends a letter, hoping for reconnection. No responses. I have had 3 co-worker type friends I text, suggest dinner, etc. Not much response. I can feel when I walk in a room, a sort of cool response. I can feel when I'm with clients at work, a distance. I don't think people warm up to me. I am a strong and independent person, educated, with good empathy and am pretty interesting. I am very comfortable with people, except my peers. So here is the kicker -- I'm actually a psychotherapist. But I don't understand why I am not liked. Please no cruel remarks. I'm really trying to understand this.
Join the church. You will have to endure plenty of lies and hypocrisy, but you'll meet new friends.
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Old 06-19-2011, 11:21 PM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
6,873 posts, read 11,189,393 times
Reputation: 10757
Smile I'm married but...

I would welcome a single friend. So, don't give up on them!
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Old 06-20-2011, 12:12 PM
 
Location: Bangkok
82 posts, read 101,195 times
Reputation: 105
I feel the same..48==no parents, single, extrovert, not close to brothers...At 42 finally left San Jose for San Fran...At 43 (2006) left SF for LA to try to make it as an actor..I'm still in LA - not doing acting-- but outside of job feel very lonely..San Jose is also a very lonely place...As is other areas I've looked at..Don't know where I fit in anymore
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Old 06-20-2011, 12:53 PM
Status: "Mistress of finance and foods." (set 23 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
50,052 posts, read 63,394,930 times
Reputation: 92616
Firstly, I would run your feelings past another therapist. It may be you have an obvious flaw that you are missing. Half the battle is identifying what it is about you that is off puting, so you can work on it.

I suspect, though, that this might just be your imagination. In this case I have the same advice I have given in several posts. If you are feeling empty, it is not because you need to get more; it is because you need to give more. Go do something which interests you and you will be thrown together with others who share your interests...Go build a Habitat Home, or go serve food at a food pantry. Maybe you're just in a rut with a bunch of unsocial people.
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Old 06-20-2011, 01:13 PM
 
Location: The Island of Misfit Toys
2,765 posts, read 2,780,755 times
Reputation: 2366
Quote:
Originally Posted by Windsong44 View Post
I'm not asking for sympathy here. Just....not sure what.
I literally have no friends. I used to, in my younger days. When I was young, thin and pretty, and more social. But I took friendship for granted, and didn't work at it. Then married, had a couple of children, then ten years later got a divorce. Without going into a long detailed story, my childhood and marriage included the garden variety of challenges --parental alcoholism, personal illness, sexual abuse, abusive marriage, miscarriages. Out of the mess, I rose to my own occasion and got a college degree and raised my children. After my divorce, I literally gave all my time, money, attention, and energy to my children. I dated only once, only had one or two women friends, never went out, worked hard and went back to school. I never had parties, rarely had other kids over for my kids, talked to neighbors very little, went to very few social functions. Over time, my few friends went to the back burner. Now my kids are grown, don't need me in the same way (of course!), and I......am alone. Parents gone. Ex gone. Brother gone. Best friend gone. And old friends.....not really interested. I recently wrote three old friends a letter, hoping for reconnection. No responses. I have had 3 co-worker type friends I text, suggest dinner, etc. Not much response. I can feel when I walk in a room, a sort of cool response. I can feel when I'm with clients at work, a distance. I don't think people warm up to me. I am a strong and independent person, educated, with good empathy and am pretty interesting. I am very comfortable with people, except my peers. So here is the kicker -- I'm actually a psychotherapist. But I don't understand why I am not liked. Please no cruel remarks. I'm really trying to understand this.
I've come to realize that you shouldn't take not having friends personally. Relationships can be work for some people and they often don't want to put forward the effort. Relationships can also be traumatic and drama filled too so some more experienced people walk around with a philosophy of "why bother?".
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