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That was pretty lame. You don't think your post is prejudicial and nasty? REALLY? Americans are all cold, and it's in their genes?
Ummm...just WHO is doing the projecting here? Think about it. If you are an adult, you should have some kind of clue by now that if you are imperiously looking down upon and categorizing an entire group of people as being XYZ, it ain't THEM, it's you. And I'm not the person who did that on this thread.
LOL, but this is the US, so you certainly ARE free to be as nasty, unkind and unpleasant a human being as you wish!!! Enjoy.
Well, here I am....the long lost OP! I am sorry to say that I forgot that I had posted.....You see, I feel the way I described in the post -- often, if not most days. For me, it was normal, and just another day. Yesterday, I got a message from a dear sole here, who said -- where are you?? So,I am responding. I am very grateful for all of the responses, which were kind, upportive, interesting and helpful. Part of what I realized, coincidentally, was that I fail to follow through with contact, as well as many other things in my life. (Needing to get a will for 23 years now; needing to sort boxes in the garage for 14 years; needing to call a few clients for weeks now.....etc., etc., etc.) That is my life. No excuses, just the fact. So in this absence, since my post, I came to realize that this has greatly affected my ability to have/keep friends. I have lately been trying to reconnect with old friends via facebook, etc. Hasn't really been going that well. (One childhood friend died a few weeks after I found her without hearing from her; another hasn't responded.) But...So....thank you to all who did respond to my post. I am at a sadly stark realization in my life that I lost good friendships along the way by not tending to them, failed to realize the importance of developiong new ones, and am now virtually alone. But I am on a quest!...to try to open a new door or two, and maybe make a friend along the way.
I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that "Latins" are all as snobby, prejudiced and judgmental as you are because I've known some very nice Latino people.
Hey MQ, I didn't take it that way. I've done a fair bit of world traveling and angel is right about many things--it seems we're always closed off in our own bubble--the car. Have you ever looked around you in a city or even a small town and noticed how much land is given over to the almighty car? Gosh, a lot of Europeans and Asians and Hispanics don't even go to the gym b/c they walk so much and take the stairs when they can so they are much likelier to get in conversations with others. Also, they don't move their household as much as we do, so they have time to really dig into a place and get to know people, and that's important, b/c for me at least it takes time to get to know people. In many places it's still common to just drop in on friends or neighbors, but most of my American friends would have a coronary if I did that, or at least they'd be flying around trying to straighten up the place while we talk.
Also, I think there was a bit of language difficulty here. Not sure, but the way I read that is that we tend to be more reserved than many other cultures and I certainly think that's true. Angel, the word "cold" has a negative connotation and I don't think you meant it that way.
But, to continue, when you're reserved it's harder to make friends and that's surely true of me. I don't think it it's in our genes, b/c almost all whites in this country have some Irish. . . just kidding just kidding! No, I think it has to do with the fact that we still often carry the Puritan values and many of us feel uncomfortable with just sitting around talking for several hours after dinner and all restaurants discourage that anyway b/c they want the tables to turn over faster. But, in other countries, people routinely sit around and visit.
Anyway, none of this is meant to be a criticism of my country--it just explains why so many of us are having a hard time. We've been so busy working to get ahead that we forgot why we were doing it and who we were doing it for.
Hey MQ, I didn't take it that way. I've done a fair bit of world traveling and angel is right about many things--it seems we're always closed off in our own bubble--the car. Have you ever looked around you in a city or even a small town and noticed how much land is given over to the almighty car? Gosh, a lot of Europeans and Asians and Hispanics don't even go to the gym b/c they walk so much and take the stairs when they can so they are much likelier to get in conversations with others. Also, they don't move their household as much as we do, so they have time to really dig into a place and get to know people, and that's important, b/c for me at least it takes time to get to know people. In many places it's still common to just drop in on friends or neighbors, but most of my American friends would have a coronary if I did that, or at least they'd be flying around trying to straighten up the place while we talk.
Also, I think there was a bit of language difficulty here. Not sure, but the way I read that is that we tend to be more reserved than many other cultures and I certainly think that's true. Angel, the word "cold" has a negative connotation and I don't think you meant it that way.
But, to continue, when you're reserved it's harder to make friends and that's surely true of me. I don't think it it's in our genes, b/c almost all whites in this country have some Irish. . . just kidding just kidding! No, I think it has to do with the fact that we still often carry the Puritan values and many of us feel uncomfortable with just sitting around talking for several hours after dinner and all restaurants discourage that anyway b/c they want the tables to turn over faster. But, in other countries, people routinely sit around and visit.
Anyway, none of this is meant to be a criticism of my country--it just explains why so many of us are having a hard time. We've been so busy working to get ahead that we forgot why we were doing it and who we were doing it for.
Grrr, maybe it's just my natural reaction to get my Dutch up when I hear someone lumping an entire group of people into a set little box of characterics tightly wrapped up with the ribbon of judgmentalism.
I do know we often hear from foreigners that Americans spend way too much time working, and I happen agree with that.
I would also agree about the car situation--I'm a walker myself who doesn't understand why other people will jump in the car to drive a quarter mile to buy a container of milk, and I work in NYC, which is, of course, the ultimate American walking city.
I'm not reserved at all. As a matter of fact, some years ago, my friend's cousins were visiting from London, and we took a trip to the beach together. At the end of the trip, her cousin said to her of me, "Your friend says hello to just ANYONE, doesn't she."
Hey, everyone has a story, and I like to hear them!
Well, here I am....the long lost OP! I am sorry to say that I forgot that I had posted.....You see, I feel the way I described in the post -- often, if not most days. For me, it was normal, and just another day. Yesterday, I got a message from a dear sole here, who said -- where are you?? So,I am responding. I am very grateful for all of the responses, which were kind, upportive, interesting and helpful. Part of what I realized, coincidentally, was that I fail to follow through with contact, as well as many other things in my life. (Needing to get a will for 23 years now; needing to sort boxes in the garage for 14 years; needing to call a few clients for weeks now.....etc., etc., etc.) That is my life. No excuses, just the fact. So in this absence, since my post, I came to realize that this has greatly affected my ability to have/keep friends. I have lately been trying to reconnect with old friends via facebook, etc. Hasn't really been going that well. (One childhood friend died a few weeks after I found her without hearing from her; another hasn't responded.) But...So....thank you to all who did respond to my post. I am at a sadly stark realization in my life that I lost good friendships along the way by not tending to them, failed to realize the importance of developiong new ones, and am now virtually alone. But I am on a quest!...to try to open a new door or two, and maybe make a friend along the way.
Best wishes to you--it's been in my mind recently that it's never too late to make changes to oneself. I did like this thread, so maybe we all can continue to check in as we move along in our respective journeys.
Grrr, maybe it's just my natural reaction to get my Dutch up when I hear someone lumping an entire group of people into a set little box of characterics tightly wrapped up with the ribbon of judgmentalism.
I do know we often hear from foreigners that Americans spend way too much time working, and I happen agree with that.
I would also agree about the car situation--I'm a walker myself who doesn't understand why other people will jump in the car to drive a quarter mile to buy a container of milk, and I work in NYC, which is, of course, the ultimate American walking city.
I'm not reserved at all. As a matter of fact, some years ago, my friend's cousins were visiting from London, and we took a trip to the beach together. At the end of the trip, her cousin said to her of me, "Your friend says hello to just ANYONE, doesn't she."
Hey, everyone has a story, and I like to hear them!
LOL, a friend told me that I can have a conversation with a brick wall. (Not sure if that was a compliment!) So when I say I'm reserved, I don't necessarily mean quiet or shy. I just mean that a certain part of me often doesn't get engaged when I'm talking to people and I'm not sure how to release that. Like I'll talk to anyone and then we go home and that's it. I've noticed that other people often make that connection and become friends and I've wondered what the diff is. It's not that I'm secretive about myself, b/c I'm more often guilty of TMI than too little.
Part of it I think is that I go out in groups many times, but maybe not often enough or consistently enough with the same ones. I've gone out with meetups and had a ton of fun, but then I may not get out with that same group for several more months and by then all our convos have gone cold. I've really hit it off with a pair of women from one but it's been over a month since I saw them last so I really need to work on consistency and communication, just as our OP has stated. I went out with a group of 30 somethings one evening and we saw a belly dancer and had a nice dinner and I really had fun with them and we laughed a lot, but it's been months. But hey, I'm going to a b-day party tonight for a woman in my dance group and I have done that pretty much every week so things are looking up.
I am new at the U.S. and I can tell you that this is very true. I analyzed a bit the situation of the lonely thing and I could be due to the urban planning. Most cites are desinged for cars but ppl: not enough side walks, transportation, etc; as a consequence, ppl go out to places in their own cars but afoot. When using public transportation or walking it forces ppl to interact in several ways, so that doesn't happen in America too much (except for NY). It was funny to me to go to a mall and see all the fancy stores with beautiful dresses and I thought to myself, "hey, where those dresses are going to be seen if there are no social interaction in Miami (the city where I currently live). In a Publix store or at Sam's Club? pretty funny". You know, my point is there are no enough places to interact with ppl but a supermarket or a gas station store.. That's pretty funny and sad at the same time.
On the other hand, American culture is influence dramatically by laws. Not sure why but that make people to be a bit more psycho-rigid and more afraid to be spontaneous. To sum up Americans raise walls around because they are afraid and being influenced by a stupid sense of safety which I consider obsessive compared with other dangerous country where I came for for example. This is a beautiful country with nice ppl and there is not need to go in life disbelieving on your neighbors when probably the most menacing thing they have is a cat.
Secondly, lonely in U.S. could be due to the fact of weather. Cold places make ppl to be more self centered and individualistic. They don't like to go out and don't interact each other. They prefer to stay at home and it is kind of repeated on summer where ppl slightly interact with others.
And to cap it of all off is definitely in their genes. They are cold... period..
Latins are more amicable.. You wont' have problems making friends with them. We love to make friends...
The positive thing of this bad economy could be that is obligating ppl to go out and become more united. Probably materialism never was a good idea on first world countries where ppl thought they could posses everything in life but a sincere and a friendly cozy huge instead.
You're right, but it's such a big country, the only way to get around most times, is by car.... but in the cities... yeah. people don't want to walk around.
I actually walk alot myself, and it's good for your spirit & your mood. Our family is from Europe originally, well, we've not been here too long. I guess I'm 3rd generation american, but we're part French and the French love to be social and interact I think.
Also, Italians are like that too. You mentioned the Latins... I think the Irish are that way too. Had a bunch of Irish friends.. Good company and very humorous too. The Scottish are quite social too.
well, i don't know. this is a british based colony to start with, and the brits are known to be more reserved.
But the fact that now, all people want to do is stay on their computers, and they dont even talk on their phone anymore, they just text a lot, is driving the social element out of our society.
We see a bunch of people in our neighborhood who NEVER speak to us, don't smile, nada... I guess it's their way of stay safe, or I don't know...
we're not sure.. but it makes it a lonely place to live, having very few neighbors who will ever speak to ya! I miss the ones who do. I get so excited when I see a long time neighbor and we have a lengthy conversation cuz that happens so seldom nowadays.
It's funny you mentioned you're from NYC Mightyqueen, but I gotta tell ya
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801
Grrr, maybe it's just my natural reaction to get my Dutch up when I hear someone lumping an entire group of people into a set little box of characterics tightly wrapped up with the ribbon of judgmentalism.
I do know we often hear from foreigners that Americans spend way too much time working, and I happen agree with that.
I would also agree about the car situation--I'm a walker myself who doesn't understand why other people will jump in the car to drive a quarter mile to buy a container of milk, and I work in NYC, which is, of course, the ultimate American walking city.
I'm not reserved at all. As a matter of fact, some years ago, my friend's cousins were visiting from London, and we took a trip to the beach together. At the end of the trip, her cousin said to her of me, "Your friend says hello to just ANYONE, doesn't she."
Hey, everyone has a story, and I like to hear them!
I find the NYers very friendly.. I was raised not too far from New York, and I can really relate to someone from NYC! They're smart, educated, amusing, cynical (but in a creative way, lol) and fun to talk to. And they're not uppity either, like some from the NE area sometimes are.. not that all New Englanders are uppity. some are very down to earth...
In fact, the ONE neighbor in our neighborhood whom I don't even know at all, but have had several pleasant conversations with, happens to be from NY too!
I wish we had more NYers in our area, especially from the city. I love your accents too. They're very cool!
AND, one of my favorite actors, Adrian Brody is from NY too! Brooklyn, isn't it? He's great!
You know when I was a kid, we used to walk everywhere! My parents never gave us rides, we'd even take the bus into downtown, when we wanted to go there!
Now, the parents drive their kids EVERYWHERE! Well, it sort of makes sense.. Drivers have become more dangerous, they dont watch out for pedestrians like they should and there's less sidewalks in some neighborhoods, like there used to be....
I notice that people who do walk in my neighborhood, do TEND to say hello, while the ones who never do, don't usually speak to ya.
I'm not asking for sympathy here. Just....not sure what.
I literally have no friends. I used to, in my younger days. When I was young, thin and pretty, and more social. But I took friendship for granted, and didn't work at it. Then married, had a couple of children, then ten years later got a divorce. Without going into a long detailed story, my childhood and marriage included the garden variety of challenges --parental alcoholism, personal illness, sexual abuse, abusive marriage, miscarriages. Out of the mess, I rose to my own occasion and got a college degree and raised my children. After my divorce, I literally gave all my time, money, attention, and energy to my children. I dated only once, only had one or two women friends, never went out, worked hard and went back to school. I never had parties, rarely had other kids over for my kids, talked to neighbors very little, went to very few social functions. Over time, my few friends went to the back burner. Now my kids are grown, don't need me in the same way (of course!), and I......am alone. Parents gone. Ex gone. Brother gone. Best friend gone. And old friends.....not really interested. I recently wrote three old friends a letter, hoping for reconnection. No responses. I have had 3 co-worker type friends I text, suggest dinner, etc. Not much response. I can feel when I walk in a room, a sort of cool response. I can feel when I'm with clients at work, a distance. I don't think people warm up to me. I am a strong and independent person, educated, with good empathy and am pretty interesting. I am very comfortable with people, except my peers. So here is the kicker -- I'm actually a psychotherapist. But I don't understand why I am not liked. Please no cruel remarks. I'm really trying to understand this.
Well, I am a 56 year old woman and I have no friends either. It's really a pain when you are applying for a job and you are supposed to give 3 personal references. I am married, however, but my husband is much the same. Although he does not know a stranger, the confines of the expectations of "friendship" are too demanding for us, so we are quite happy the way things are.
That having been said, there is an old saying that goes.... "If you want your life to change, then you have to change the things in your life".
Being an intelligent person you must understand that every single aspect of our life is created by our thoughts, beliefs and actions. Therefore, you have to make up your mind that you are going to change something (your thoughts, beliefs or actions), and develop friendships. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), life does not HAPPEN to us, we create it, consciously.
If you are willing to make the change then you must go to work to accomplish that goal. Perhaps it might mean that you need to temper your independence, and walk into a room with the attitude that people are going to love you! Believe me when I tell you that if you walk into a room with the apprehension that people are going to be "cool" to you, then that is exactly what will happen. People can pick up on the vibes that you are sending out.
If I were in your position, the first thing I would do would be to find groups of people who have the same interests that I have and attend meetings. That way you have enthusiasm on your side and you have something to talk about already established. What are your passions? photography? old cars? collecting baseball cards? cooking? tennis? Golf? Martial Arts? backgammon? gardening? art? music? there are so many possibilities.
Well, windsong, don't feel you're the only one putting off things. I'm the Queen of Procrastination.
I think I shud start a website, Procrastination Station! LOL
You wouldnt' believe the number of things I need to do, but put off doing.... well, that's my own mistake...
But the posters are right, need to get together with others with similar interests. I'm trying to do the same thing.
I tried last month to attend a musical band, cuz they said they needed percussionists, but when i went there, they didn't really need any, and it was far to travel.. But still, there's a band closer by, so I'm going to try again.
Oh, gosh... being lonely is difficult... for sure...
That's why I used to love to go to chat rooms. You sort of felt like you were hangin out with people on daily basis. I know lots of people dont' like chatrooms, but if you got some cool folks in there, then it's fun!
Well, speaking of old friends dying, I need to go & visit an elderly neighbor who just went into a nursing home a few months ago.... I know she's not doing well, and I need to go see her.
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You made a lot of good points angelscorpio
