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My husband and I were talking more about this and he said that maybe one reason why I can't make friends is that I tend to invite people to do things too soon. That is definitely true, and perhaps this is one of the reasons why I can't make friends. While I never ask for their email address on our first meeting, I usually will do so on the second or third if we seem to click. And then I'll usually invite them to do something casual, like coffee or lunch. But my husband believes (and I agree with him) that maybe I'm scaring people off by inviting them to do something too soon. He says that unless I'm seeing them a couple times a week at work or some activity, that I should wait like 5 or 6 few months after seeing them a bunch of times to invite them to do something.
I agree, this could be one reason why I can't seem to make friends. Maybe people get turned off if someone seems too eager or too interested in inviting them to do things. What do you think? I am willing to be more patient and let friendships develop more naturally, but at the same time since I only have one friend I'm so incredibly lonely that I just want to get together with people and do things instead of being alone all the time.
My husband and I were talking more about this and he said that maybe one reason why I can't make friends is that I tend to invite people to do things too soon. That is definitely true, and perhaps this is one of the reasons why I can't make friends. While I never ask for their email address on our first meeting, I usually will do so on the second or third if we seem to click. And then I'll usually invite them to do something casual, like coffee or lunch. But my husband believes (and I agree with him) that maybe I'm scaring people off by inviting them to do something too soon. He says that unless I'm seeing them a couple times a week at work or some activity, that I should wait like 5 or 6 few months after seeing them a bunch of times to invite them to do something.
I agree, this could be one reason why I can't seem to make friends. Maybe people get turned off if someone seems too eager or too interested in inviting them to do things. What do you think? I am willing to be more patient and let friendships develop more naturally, but at the same time since I only have one friend I'm so incredibly lonely that I just want to get together with people and do things instead of being alone all the time.
Bass, you and I are very similar...so similar in fact that while reading this, I was exclaiming, "What? What's wrong with inviting someone for coffee the second or third time you meet them?! What is wrong with that?!?"
But ya know...I'm kind of in the same boat as you...so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about and maybe he is right. Which, I'm sorry, it seems so weird to me. If I decide that I like someone, what on earth is wrong with asking them to do something? I don't understand that.
I have no answers for you because it's like the blind leading the blind. I am going to watch this thread and see what people say so maybe I can learn something.
If you lived in Maine, I would totally be your friend.
I just moved from NH to Arizona and yes not having friends is aweful. But I lived in the NH/mass area all my life and really only had 1 good friend, and that was just recently, the rest were aqaintances. My boyfriend and I go out to have coffee in the early am and talk with people, each sunday it is different people but we start talking, they tell us all the fun stuff they do here and I so wish they would say want to do it with us! But never happens.
I think this next sunday I will just ask them if they would like to do some thing with us. I am very open and very outgoing so I wont have a problem with asking. I do know that to have one very special friend that you hang out with all the time is so very hard to find no matter what. We could start a need friends club, lol. I do hope it works out for all of you and myself.
Bass, you and I are very similar...so similar in fact that while reading this, I was exclaiming, "What? What's wrong with inviting someone for coffee the second or third time you meet them?! What is wrong with that?!?"
But ya know...I'm kind of in the same boat as you...so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about and maybe he is right. Which, I'm sorry, it seems so weird to me. If I decide that I like someone, what on earth is wrong with asking them to do something? I don't understand that.
I have no answers for you because it's like the blind leading the blind. I am going to watch this thread and see what people say so maybe I can learn something.
If you lived in Maine, I would totally be your friend.
lol, thanks for your response! I agree with you, one wouldn't think there was anything wrong about inviting someone to do something right away if the two of you click. Something casual like lunch or coffee, not something more "formal" like dinner on a Saturday night. But as someone who has failed miserably in the friends department in the last few years, I am trying to closely examine my behavior to figure out what I could be doing to turn away so many potential friends. I'm a nice, normal person, and I know how to be a good friend, so I'm trying to get really nit-picky here in order to figure out why I essentially have no friends.
I don't know your gender, but I'm a woman, and perhaps asking women to do things too soon is seen as overly aggressive and off-putting. Maybe I come across as too eager and desperate, and that is off-putting as well.
I'm going to try something new regarding this issue. I told my husband that I am going to start the "10 meetings rule." This rule is that I have to have 10 meetings with a person before I invite them to do something. So if I'm at the gym, I'd need to see a person 10 different times before inviting them out for lunch. That might take a month or it might take 6 months. But maybe this way perhaps the friendship can develop more gradually, if it is going to develop at all. I get tired of always being the one to initiate things. I almost never get asked to do anything, and no one ever reciprocates when I do ask them to do something. So it's worth trying a different approach to see if this makes any difference.
Bass101, I don't know if you're not making friends because you ask early. These people you chat with might not be friend material. You may be connecting with people who are busy or people who have a set group of friends or even just enough friends to cover their needs. And waiting 10 meetings might not make a difference. It is not you that is the problem, IMHO.
I say this from the perspective of someone who is pretty much friendless too. I had friends when I was in Wisconsin (moved to TN two years ago) but they slowly became acquaintances, not calling but gladly answering my calls.
To make a friend two things have to happen. There has to be an opening or introduction to the friendship (may be different than the first meeting... hear me out) that both people realize they'd like to be friends.
Second, there has to be continuation on both parties- a need for that friendship- whether that is a shared interest or a commitment to getting together.
I met a new friend recently. I was out taking photos of the clouds. She noticed the logo of my university where she is a new HS teacher. We chatted briefly and decided to get together in a week. **We got together and chatted for over an hour. I am not a student at the university at this time, I mean, that isn't a common ground. Needing a friend is the connection.
A week later, we talked on the phone. I am really surprised by this friendship. I'd kind of given up. Still will have to wait it out and see where this leads, but it is a chance!
One more thing, have you ever talked with the people you met about needing a friend? Maybe just making a statement about how hard it is to meet people these days and see what their reaction. I say this because my new friend and I talked about that just a bit. If you find someone who needs a friend, that might be a better opening, and more honest too, than just chatting about misc. things.
Best wishes and I hope this helps a little. You deserve good friends and I hope you find them soon.
Last edited by Wild Flower; 07-21-2011 at 12:53 AM..
Reason: To clarify the information about my new friend. See the bolded part and **
In case people are wondering- I bolded the information above because I edited over an hour after I posted it, not because it was in bold for a special reason.
I am a very private person; I like the things I do (ceramics, sewing, gardening) for myself, and not much else. Being alone is one of the best things in life. My DH and I are very close but we each give the other a lot of space.
In my previous life I chose to be an extrovert. It took a lot of work to be out there, always involved, always invited to the parties, always the life of the party. It was something I had to do to get where I wanted to be, though. I had a busy life; 16 hour days of business meetings, breakfasts, lunches, and dinners with people who either needed me or whom I needed. When a group of us were on a business trip in FL, we found a guy in a very dead motel bar who was trying to start a karaoke night - so I got up and sang, and got other people up, and pretty soon the bar was packed with people from our business group, and I was flitting from table to table, meeting folks, buying drinks, getting drinks, and gathering business cards. The next day at the meeting I had a lot of good contacts and we made deals thru the week.
I hated every minute of it.
When we sold everything and bought our farm in the middle of nowhere, the people whom I'd worked with were stunned. "You'll be back, HOW can you give all this up? You're so good at it!" I'd smile. After we moved, people whom I utterly despised would try to 'friend' me on Facebook; some I even had to completely block. I have a very small circle of friends and family on FB, and an even smaller circle of friends here - maybe 6 people, after 3 years - and most of us here are very busy with our own lives and don't socialize much.
Don't assume extroverts enjoy being that way.
Anyone can be an extrovert; all it takes is self-confidence and effort.
As an extrovert, you may have a lot of "friends" but only one or two whom you really trust.
Being comfortable and happy with yourself is primary to being comfortable and happy around others.
Most folks have learned thru experience that insecure introverts want one or two completely devoted friends, and studiously avoid that sort of deep involvement. They prefer the self-assured extroverts, the surface contacts without commitment or emotional involvement, the mutual give and take of surface excitements like endless shopping or endless restaurant-hopping. Most people like bouncy, smart, fun people to be around and to inspire them to do/be the same. If you don't want to participate in that, you have to be comfortable enough in your own skin to seek your own comfort and satisfaction. It's a choice, an active choice, to like yourself and be comfortable around yourself, and to either draw others of like minds and pursuits to you, or to choose to be alone.
Did you ever read that sentiment - "I like you because I like who I am when I'm with you"? It's true. Most people seek out friendships with people who inspire them to do better, to be better, to do things and to have fun, to capture the joy in life and to see things from a different outlook. No one wants a friend who brings them down, makes them feel less, depresses them or doesn't inspire them. "To make a friend you have to BE a friend". I made good lifetime friends along the way - but mostly because they saw thru the fluff and bounce and wanted deeper commitment. But it is the fluff and bounce that attracts them first.
I've done both. Being the life of the party is not all it is cracked up to be. But if you want it there is no reason you can't have it - like anything else, you have to work at it, to have the self-confidence to project the image and person you are and to attract others. You have to expend the energy if you want others to do the same.
One more thing, have you ever talked with the people you met about needing a friend? Maybe just making a statement about how hard it is to meet people these days and see what their reaction. I say this because my new friend and I talked about that just a bit. If you find someone who needs a friend, that might be a better opening, and more honest too, than just chatting about misc. things.
Best wishes and I hope this helps a little. You deserve good friends and I hope you find them soon.
Thank you for your post. Lots of good things to think about. I wanted to comment specifically on this idea that you posted. It's funny you mention this because my husband and I also had a conversation about this exact idea. He has observed me making this statement when we're out with new people, and he believes that my doing this (telling people that we don't know many people here and saying how hard it is to meet people) is turning people off.
He says that when he has observed me say this that people might interpret this negatively, because it makes me seem "desperate" or "different in a bad way." I always mention how hard it is to meet people and I think he's right--maybe this is one reason why people don't want to be my friend. Because for most gals in their 30's in my area, they have plenty of friends. Their phones are always ringing with friends calling to make plans, and they probably can't imagine what it's like to be friendless, so they think, "there's something weird about her and I don't want to be her friend."
My husband suggested I stop saying this and see what happens. So I have stopped. I do think he's right though, I think my saying this projected desperation, and makes others think I'm incapable of making friends because of a character flaw instead of just circumstances of moving somewhere not knowing a single person and having a hard time meeting people who have the time in their schedule to make friends.
What actual hobbies do you have. Drinking coffee isn't a hobby.
Take your favorite hobbies and run with it. It's always easy conversation, plus people are naturally more open and happy while participating in their hobbies, and from there you can always continue to do something with said person with similar hobby.
Ie - I play hockey, small chit chat on the bench, then you get invited to another game with someone else, then the playoffs are on TV and you recommend this great bar, or have people over, and it goes on and on. I've also met some great people through other sports that I normally would NEVER hang out with or even try to talk to. In fact, I don't think I have any friends that we don't have one significant interest/hobby.
Keep in touch with them over the course of time, don't be overly aggressive to hang out immediately, so don't try so hard, and make it seem like you are trying hard. I am one an introvert sometimes too, and people have told me after we became friends that they thought I was an "*******" at first. Also, don't let people know you have no friends. It seems to send a message right away as to "why does this person have no friends" and they wonder if there is a serious flaw.
Thank you for your post. Lots of good things to think about. I wanted to comment specifically on this idea that you posted. It's funny you mention this because my husband and I also had a conversation about this exact idea. He has observed me making this statement when we're out with new people, and he believes that my doing this (telling people that we don't know many people here and saying how hard it is to meet people) is turning people off.
He says that when he has observed me say this that people might interpret this negatively, because it makes me seem "desperate" or "different in a bad way." I always mention how hard it is to meet people and I think he's right--maybe this is one reason why people don't want to be my friend. Because for most gals in their 30's in my area, they have plenty of friends. Their phones are always ringing with friends calling to make plans, and they probably can't imagine what it's like to be friendless, so they think, "there's something weird about her and I don't want to be her friend."
My husband suggested I stop saying this and see what happens. So I have stopped. I do think he's right though, I think my saying this projected desperation, and makes others think I'm incapable of making friends because of a character flaw instead of just circumstances of moving somewhere not knowing a single person and having a hard time meeting people who have the time in their schedule to make friends.
Just saw you responded to this, which is basically how I closed my last paragraph. 100% right. If you said, "We just moved to the area and haven't really met any people yet" its one thing, but if they know you've been there for years and still haven't, people will perceive that it's just you.
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I agree with you, one wouldn't think there was anything wrong about inviting someone to do something right away if the two of you click. Something casual like lunch or coffee, not something more "formal" like dinner on a Saturday night. But as someone who has failed miserably in the friends department in the last few years, I am trying to closely examine my behavior to figure out what I could be doing to turn away so many potential friends. I'm a nice, normal person, and I know how to be a good friend, so I'm trying to get really nit-picky here in order to figure out why I essentially have no friends. 
The Social Butterfly is Dead
