Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Yankee, I don't think you understood what I was saying. I said that a hobby or whatever can't subsitute for having a relationship with someone. yes, you might meet someone to connect with if you are volunteering,etc but that doesn't always happen. Again, we live in a narcissitic society and that's most of the problem. And I don't think that she is whinning and from what she has said, she is not looking for someone to be at her beck and call. From what it sounds like to me is a normal person looking for friendship. I don't get why you have such a problem with that....
I agree with you. I don't see the OP as whining. Some people are loners and prefer to keep people at a distance while some are more social and want to connect with people. There is nothing wrong with being a social person who wants close human interaction.
Some are suggesting that her husband should be fulfilling this role. I don't think it is healthy to expect him to fill the entire role. It is too exhausting to be everything to your spouse. And, what happens if God forbid, they break up. Then who will she have to turn to?
I think that's what's wrong with our society. We expect our nuclear family (wife, husband and kids) to fulfill all of our needs of connecting with other beings. What happens when you divorce or your kids move away for college or to start their adult lives?
I have seen quite a few posts on forums of divorced or single parent middle-aged women who are seeking friendships now that the husband is gone and the kids have left the house and they realize that they are lonely. I used to wonder why all of a sudden they don't have friends, until I realized that they probably shunned friendships with good people so that their lives could revolve solely around their family.
I also agree that things people tell you to do to make friends don't always work. I have taken a couple of classes, not to make friends really but just to learn something new. In these classes, people seemed to keep to themselves, like they are in their own little cocoons but surrounded by people. I noticed that the few people who struck up rapports were exactly like each other, which brings up this narcissism idea that I think CL723 is alluding to.
How about joining Meetup.com? My dad is a surly introvert and even HE made friends through Meetup.com. If it works for him...it can work for you.
How about joining a book club? I know people who made really strong friendships through a once a month book club.
How about joining some sort of club, organization, hobby club to make friends? What sort of hobby would you like pursue? Find it on Meetup.com and find other people who share your same interests, enthusiasm and see what happens.
I have found workout buddies through various websites. Maybe a workout buddy website would be helpful to find people to do physical activities with and bond with over your love of biking, golf, surfing, swimming, running, yoga, etc.
How about taking cooking classes, art classes, music, poetry writing, flower arranging, karate, yoga or whatever to meet new people? Do you have a dog? Take it to the dog park and talk to strangers. You might make friendships this way. You have to get out of the house and extend yourself to make something happen.
I also don't have any 'friends' in the sense that the OP describes a longing for. I have a wonderful close relationship with my husband but honestly, it's STILL not the 'friendship' that the OP describes. The reason is that I really don't have all that much to talk about / share with anyone in the intimate sense. I feel kinda 'resolved' as a person, and when I'm lonely or sad or what-have-you I tend to my needs in a way that doesn't necessarily divulge or dwell on the details of the situation because at this point in my life the details are kinda unimportant: just another bump in the road.
I also noticed that the older I became, the less willing other people were to lean and support one another. People wanted more privacy and seemed just plumb worn out with their own lives (children or no). I realized that levity was more widely appreciated than intimacy.
I think your approach, Bass, is calculating and people sense that. You are trying to do everything right, but it's still calculating. It must also be tiring and disappointing for you. I'd abandon that approach and lay around in sweats a little more often
When I get really lonely I go to a crowded place for awhile. I guess my 'friend' is 'people in general.' I can usually exchange enough smiles, quips, and small acts of kindness to feel happy again. I'd wager that in this thread alone you've gotten more human kindness and support than any one intimate friend could provide.
The secret to making friends is to get outside of yourself. If you are constantly worrying about YOU making friends then YOU will never make them.
People love to talk about themselves. Ask them anything about themselves and they will bend your ear. If you let them know that you are always willing to listen then they will always be willing to talk.
People also love to be happy and laugh. If you are upbeat - witty is the holy grail - then they will follow.
Acting concerned to find a special friend to have a meaningful relationship where you can benefit will only make people run the other way.
Right off I said, I would be put off with someone that said to me, "I can't make friends here." Really? I guess you just wrote me off, then.
I may have put a smiley face next to that sentence but I wasn't kidding. It's a rude statement and it smacks of narcissism and negativity. You will get no friends that way.
All of this "society now" crap is just that. There are plenty of people with friends. The OP says it over and over again. There are all kinds of gals out having lunch and they are not inviting her. There's a reason for that.
Oh, I didn't need to look up any past threads, she's been posting this same thing on different forums for a long time, and people are always very sympathetic and try to be helpful but it goes on and on and on. I happened to see her screen name on another forum and was curious to see if anything had been resolved but apparently not.
Ok, I'm jumping in. That is in REALLY poor taste. I can't say what I'd like here, but the word rhymes with talker. Throw a letter in front of it. Just who are you to come on a thread and call her a narcissist? I'd much rather listen to a sincere plea for friendship than what you say.
As to the OP, if I can offer any silver lining at least you have a husband. Be grateful for that. Yes, I know you have a lot of alone time, but you do have someone who comes home to you. I think you need to find a hobby (container gardening comes to mind and you could plant tomatoes) and really throw yourself into something you could enjoy. Or take up a passion for cooking and have something nice or special to share when he gets home (no, not talking 1950s housewife here, rather some people like to do the chef thing).
Why not look at meetup for friends? I started my own meetup for women last summer and it was a hit. My dad's death caused me to end it, but you could start your own for women your age who want to get out!
Coco, I agree. Husbands and wives can't be someones everything and kids will fly the coop. I knew someone who it was all about their family and no one else.When the kids left, they were friendless. That's when they realized that they needed to go make friends.
Hello Bass101 I don't know if you have found friends already, I see that your post is from 2011, if you did please give me an advice, I'm in the same situation as you were, no friends, feeling so lonely
Thanks
I wouldn't be so quick to blame yourself, It's hard to make friends when we all lead such busy lives. Call up someone who know you really well, like mom, or sister, or an old friend from college, and ask them to be straight with you. Ask your hubby what he thinks, and by the way does he have friends, if so where are their women? Invite them to your home for a casual dinner and chit chat.
If your asking people out for coffee or lunch, and taking part in all of these groups, you must not be that introverted. Keep trying, and don't be afraid to show your humanity. We all have problems and women are great at sharing, just stay open.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
