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I'll try to keep this short. I've spoken of mom's alzheimer's on other threads but now I have a specific question. She's had it coming for quite a long time--15-20 years and with all the personality changes, and she's only 75. My mother has never cared for me much that I can remember, but esp when her symptoms began, she began to push me away in earnest and while she didn't blow me off completely, she never wanted to do much of anything with me like doing mother daughter stuff, and she never took much of an interest in my kids. I don't really remember doing those things with her before either, or her even wanting to. Everything is all about my brother. I have a sis too, and she doesn't like her any better but that doesn't make me feel better b/c sis is a major loser. Maybe I remind her of a SIL that she hated, I don't know.
During that time from when the personality changes began, she really began to hoard stuff. She already had a big house in town that was packed with stuff but then she bought an even bigger house in the country and started going to auctions and now it's so full of stuff that there's no place to even set a drink down. She stayed there for awhile but I had to take her back to her town house recently so family could keep a better eye on her--she kept losing her keys and purse and couldn't get to town to get food, so I had to move her.
So now the problem is--she's going to need a lot more care but she doesn't want me around. On Friday I went to stay the night with her and we had a nice visit, but on Saturday I could tell that my presence was really pissing her off so I left. I've heard that stress can really kill brain cells of an alzheimer's patient more quickly so don't want to overdo it, but I need to get in and check on her periodically also. I can't have my brother doing all the work and she's wearing him out and he and his wife were out of town this weekend on a much needed getaway trip but it's so obvious that she doesn't want me around. I've tried staying away from her but then I feel guilty b/c I figure it's maybe part of the disease process, but I'm not really so sure about that--she's been pushing me away for years. How do I handle this? And yes, it does hurt my feelings very, very badly.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and it doesn't sound like an easy thing to deal with. My father had Alzheimer's for many years and had some strange behaviors too.
Regarding the hoarding, if you've ever seen the show Hoarders that can happen to anyone at any age. It seems that some people have that tendency (and even lots to a certain degree like packrats), but I do believe hoarding is a form of mental illness. If it gets really bad where she is a danger to herself, you can involve social services.
The pushing you away is trickier. You say she's had this tendency for a long time so who knows how much of it is about you and what sounds like some form of dementia. Has she been given a formal Alzheimer's Dx? There are different kinds of dementia. I admire you for wanting to help her, but I'm also wondering if someone (like a home health aide) may not be a good alternative and this would relieve both you and your brother from the stress of caretaking on an ongoing and frequent basis. I'm not suggesting either of you stop being caretakers, rather using a home health aide once in awhile as a respite type service. I know things got pretty bad with my dad and it got to the point where he'd talk to my mom (his wife) and say things like "I have to call my wife." Very tough.
Does she have a good neurologist? My dad was on the usual meds - Aricept, Excelon, but the one drug that did pull him out of his psychosis was Namenda. It worked for 18 months and then he slipped back into his former state. I remember looking after him for 10 days when mom was in the hospital and I must tell you, he was nicer to me in those 10 days than he was ever in his life. Mind you, he didn't know who I was, and that hurt a lot too. I just realize those in situations like ours (or my former situation) we will never really know the "whys." Once a person gets to a certain point, it's best to try not to take anything personally. My dad did get weird about money, was obsessed with money and where did it go, worried about money, etc. He had hallucinations and thought people were in the house when no one was. There is a whole range of how the disease manifests. Some get angry and aggressive and some do not. I found that joining an internet forum specifically with an Alzheimer's subforum really helped a lot and there is much useful information to be had in one of those forums along with support.
At some point your mom may not be able to live in her house or maybe will need more care than you and your brother can provide. Caretaking of an Alzheimer's/dementia person is really tough on the family and heartbreaking. My dad spent the last four years of his life in a lockdown ward. Sad indeed. I'd advise you to contact an organization for Seniors with dementia issues to get more info on resources in your community. There are also support groups for caregivers as well.
Well, she may consider you to be a threat to her. My mother has always been in competition with me and basically all women. My brother? He can do no wrong.
I have learned that I need to pick my battles, so, my brother works with her, he is passive and is quite good at going with the flow...I am not.
You have to do what works for you, you will not change your mother alzheimer's or not, she is who she is.
To Mistygrl: Yes, we just got the dx. I never dreamed that taking driving away from her would be so easy, but that's the only easy thing about this process. And just as your dad was obsessed about money, she is obsessed about her things, though in truth, I think she's always been greedy. It's like AD doesn't actually cause personality changes so much as it pulls the veil off your personality and all those things that you worked so hard to hide all of those years are now exposed. She has an appt with her regular doc soon so we'll see about aricept or one of the drugs but she's not sure she wants to do it--she had a bad experience with Lipitor a few years ago.
Dollydo: nothing could be truer. I will never be able to change my mother, just my attitude and really, most of the time I'm fine, but sometimes it just gets to me--esp when I'm eating up my weekends to go see her and make sure she's okay and then she tells me to go and I just got there! (It's a 2 hour drive) And knowing that she's going to need a lot more care and that my presence really does stress her out. I'll probably talk to a counselor about it and see what can be done. I told my brother that in many ways this is a good thing b/c I can force decisions that he could never bring himself to make, like taking her back to her town house--she begged and pleaded with me not to take her away from the country but I knew it had to be done and my brother would have given in and he admits that.
Dear Stepka, my heart goes out to you...
Sometimes it's difficult for adult children to deal with a parent as it is (I swear some of them are worse than little kids),
but in your situation, with your mother's illness... wow...
Hugs to you and I want to say this: do not feel guilty. You are doing the best you can under the given circumstances.
You cannot change you mother. You cannot cure her illness.
Don't judge yourself and don't let anyone else tell you that you're not doing enough.
I understand that your feelings are hurt. She is your mother. Nothing else needs to be said. It doesn't matter how she treated you in the past, she is your MOTHER, and as her child you must be in terrible emotional pain right now
Accept that there is nothing you can do to change your mother's behavior and do your best (your best, not what others think should be your best).
This may also be the time to take a more of a business-type approach. Repeat to yourself: it's not personal, it's business.
You'll have to make many difficult decisions (and you already do), and those are best made with a cool head. Take emotions out of it and do what is right. Step back and look at the big picture. Pretend it's not your mother, it is a client and you're a social worker, counselor, etc. What would you recommend a family do for this person? I know it's difficult to think this way about close relative, but this approach may help keep things in perspective.
IndigoLight--that was so sweet. I like the business-like approach--I'm always more successful with her when I do that but she does't like it too well. I'm also having to learn to lie to her and that's really hard b/c lying isn't an activity that I choose often.
IndigoLight--that was so sweet. I like the business-like approach--I'm always more successful with her when I do that but she doesn't like it too well. I'm also having to learn to lie to her and that's really hard b/c lying isn't an activity that I choose often.
My friend's mother has an Alzheimer's disease. She is in a special nursing home and been there for a long time.
My friend's father passed away 2 years ago and my friend and his sister had to be the bearers of bad news to mother. Their mother was absolutely devastated and couldn't stop crying for hours, but on their next visit she did not remember a thing and was asking about her husband as usual.
My friend's sister insisted that they tell her again about her husband's death. Their mother was devastated all over again as if she'd heard it for the first time.
My friend decided it was cruel to make her suffer like this, she is unable to retain the information and every time she hears the news it is as if she hears it for the FIRST time. It was heartbreaking for my friend to see his mother so upset.
So he decided to lie.
His sister was insisting on truth only at first, but he won this battle and now for 2 years they've been telling their mother that her husband is doing just fine.
There are situations when lying is an act of mercy.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You are not contemplating some evil scheme, you are simply doing what's best for your mother.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You are not contemplating some evil scheme, you are simply doing what's best for your mother.
Sure I know that, but it's such a strange shift. It's esp hard when she's having her lucid moments and I'm not sure which way to go with it at that time. We have def decided to keep her from the farm--it was a miracle that I got her to leave the first time and it would be horrible to try to tear her away again, but she keeps talking about going back and I'll say sure, when you get your driver's license renewed I'll take you back. This calms her down, but in her lucid moments she talks about selling the farm and needing to go down and go thru her things but I know darn well we can't even do that and the doc doesn't recommend it either. My bro is much more softhearted with her than I am and wants to take her for a visit, but I've had to talk him down as I don't think he realizes that getting her to leave was a once-in-a-lifetime feat.
I surely see the mercy in your friend lying to her mother about her husband--it would be cruel to tell her the bad news over and over and I wouldn't have a hard time with that at all. I don't think.
Interesting thing about alzheimer's though--it's very difficult on the family--no question about it, but the problems that you run into with it are never the problems that you imagine if you've never been in this situation, and then everyone's story is different as well. It has had one very positive effect--it has brought me and my bro and SIL and other relatives closer together as we work to get her situated.
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