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Old 09-04-2011, 12:46 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 6,299,579 times
Reputation: 3564

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There is no way to resolve differences with someone who becomes highly defensive! It's a waste of time and it can sure become "ugly!"...I think it boils down to never wanting to admit to making a mistake or being "wrong." How do you feel about it?...For some reason defensive people want to pretend that they are "perfect" all the time. And supposedly "perfect people" never make any mistakes. They want to pass all of the blame over to the other side and get in the "attack mode" if anyone dares to question their behavior...They act like little kids and hurl insults at anyone who suggests that might have been "less than perfect." "But you did this and this and that" they shout in their defense and "throw stones" at anyone who tries to resolve problems with them! They use anger and the threat of further "attacks" and intimidation to try to silence anyone who confronts them...Do you have many defensive people in your life? How do you view them? How do you handle their defensive "attacks?" Do you walk away?
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Old 09-04-2011, 01:10 PM
 
80 posts, read 108,354 times
Reputation: 72
Oh Boy! We have one of those living with us. It's a living hell.
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Old 09-04-2011, 04:00 PM
 
1,591 posts, read 3,420,527 times
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because they are touchy and their ego feels attacked.

again, people to avoid whenever possible.
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Old 09-04-2011, 04:47 PM
 
1,963 posts, read 4,973,497 times
Reputation: 1456
People who act like this are narcissitic and narcs act like 6 year olds. They don't take blame for anything because in their minds, they never do anything wrong. They live in a constant delusional state about how wonderful and perfect people they are.

If it is possible, try and avoid them. They never change. Walking away is a good idea if you have to be around someone like this.
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Old 09-04-2011, 05:42 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 6,299,579 times
Reputation: 3564
Thanks for your posts...It's nice to be around people who are approachable and sane and rational and consistent...Versus "power-kegs" and "volcanoes" who could "erupt" at any time! I guess people like this are carrying around a lot of "old baggage" and hurts and wounds and old anger from their past. This is why they are so "touchy" and "fly off the handle." Not good!!
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Old 09-04-2011, 08:06 PM
 
13,513 posts, read 19,234,150 times
Reputation: 16580
I think people who become "highly defensive" like you describe...have not got much confidence and they hide a scared interior behind a rough exterior...so to speak.....as for how to handle these defensive attacks....I just try not to say or do anything that i know will put them on the defensive......
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Old 09-04-2011, 09:23 PM
 
2,873 posts, read 5,835,786 times
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This is one of the issues I deal with with my mother. The meds she takes and her auto immune disorder can cause anger, but she's also very defensive about everything. You can't have a logical, rational conversation with her sometimes. Just as an example, she has memory problems- but she hates that she has trouble remembering things. So you end up with a conversation like this:

Mom: What day is today (asking this for the 30th time in three hours)
Me: Wednesday
Mom: No, it isn't. It's Sunday.
Me. It's Wednesday. Look at the calender
Mom: No, it's Sunday
Me: Still Wednesday. Look at the computer. See? (Mom looks and admits that it is indeed Wednesday)
Me: Why do you ask me if you don't want to believe the answer?
Mom: I raised six kids! I was always on top of things! I worked two jobs!
Me: ..............okay?

Repeat variations of this roughly five thousand times a day and you have my life. I swear I could tell her the sky was blue and she would argue about it, then launch into a life history about how smart and on the ball she used to be.
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Old 09-05-2011, 08:25 AM
 
139 posts, read 647,862 times
Reputation: 260
Agree with them and they will stop. They want to be right, so let them. If they say, "The moon is made of green cheese." I nod my head and agree. It is no skin off my nose to disagree with them, so why not agree just to keep the peace?

Alternatively, I walk away from them mid-sentence. If they can not be kind to me why should I stand there and take it? I walk away. I don't say, "Excuse me." or anything like that. I just turn on my heel and march out of the room and go lock myself in a bedroom. Out of sight, out of mind. If I can't see them or hear them raging I am not bothered.
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Old 09-06-2011, 11:07 AM
 
13,513 posts, read 19,234,150 times
Reputation: 16580
ParallelJJCat....after your mom admitted you were right and it was indeed wednesday...you should have left it at that.....when you question her, you're putting her immediately on the defensive....maybe she can't remember as well, and is not as sharp as she used to be.....but as she's raised six kids and worked two jobs...I feel even if she questions you....you should respect her, and allow it.... without questioning back.
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Old 09-06-2011, 08:24 PM
 
2,873 posts, read 5,835,786 times
Reputation: 4342
Quote:
Originally Posted by purehuman View Post
ParallelJJCat....after your mom admitted you were right and it was indeed wednesday...you should have left it at that.....when you question her, you're putting her immediately on the defensive....maybe she can't remember as well, and is not as sharp as she used to be.....but as she's raised six kids and worked two jobs...I feel even if she questions you....you should respect her, and allow it.... without questioning back.
She does have memory problems. She also knows that she has memory problems, and this is why I find the arguing particularly aggravating. It's easy to say just leave it, but I'm serious when I say this conversation or variates take place ALL DAY LONG. She asks a question, and whatever response I give her MUST be wrong. If she just asked what day it was 50 times a day, fine I can deal with that because answering takes no energy. But when I have to CONVINCE her EVERY SINGLE BLOODY TIME that no, it really honestly is Wednesday or yes, you did send that e-mail that I helped you write....if you know you have memory problems, could you just trust me one time? And if you don't trust me, why are you asking?

Gah...sorry, I don't mean to take it out on you, and I do understand what you're saying. I also understand that a lot of this is her own fear of her failing memory. I do way better than most of my family- they seem to think if they just repeat things LOUDER she'll remember them. But I'm not a saint, and there really is a limit on how many times I can do this back and forth without wanting to just throw back my head and scream.
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