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I've always been a curious person. I like to explore issues "in-depth." ...But most of the time I feel obligated to keep things "light" and "breezy" so I don't come across as too "serious." And I don't want to bore anyone...I'm not into "flippant responses." Or sarcasm. But I do try to look for the humor in life...There are so many "sides" to each issue. So much to see and learn "below the surface." But I find that most people don't want to "go deep" very often. So I keep most things to myself...I have a few friends who do like to go "in-depth." We can talk for hours on end and never run out of topics. (We laugh at things too! Our conversations aren't totally "serious!")....Anyway do you have some "deeper" conversations with friends and family members at times? Do you feel obligated to do a lot of "chit-chat?" Thanks.
I used to have deep conversations with people but found that misunderstanding and mutual vulnerability was a common negative outcome.
Additionally, this kind of intimacy was interpreted differently by different people and in a way I didn't intend; such as coming into my house after a cursory knock or expecting enabling in a bad relationship by involving me with frequent and even 3-way phone calls or assuming I will help with child care...
~Before anyone thinks I'm hard-hearted, I am a good friend to those who will help themselves. I'm not a foster mother.~
If you are reluctant to share deeper things, then I would respect that tendency. Even in a marriage some things are still personal, IMO.
EDIT: If you mean 'deep' as in ideologies and themes, not personal things... Even that can be problematic so I'm very careful not to reveal much and limit this to appropriate settings like a book group or art reception where everyone is already talking about the topic.
ALSO I used to think that *real* interaction didn't take place unless deep topics were discussed, but I consider that to be incorrect now and want clear interpersonal boundaries among the people I spend time with.
I often would say, does anyone even read the paper or watch the news or read books. Unless it was something sensational or local, they had no interest. With the WTC, minimal interest, "that's way in NY, that has nothing to do with us in Texas" actual comment said by a coworker. Was mum on the katrina fiasco, I got into an argument with one coworker about the use of the word refugee, that was only thing she was concerned about, the media using the word "refugee", nothing and I mean nothing else.
I use to try to have deep conversations with certain coworkers and found light and breezy was about all they could handle. Many conversations regarding politics would be reduced to the daily popular slogan, i.e., "stay away from the bushes" for George Bush or for Obama, "on fire, ready to go". Religion was reduced to who could quote the most bible verses, it was usually the crooked person in the office who used religion to get away with theft, etc. The economy was reduced to "everybody's broke" except Jane who just bought a new car, WOW, she must be rich, and how much debt you could accumulate. One coworker thought her monetary worth was how much debt she owed. She actually said she was rich. Then I worked in another department where every topic was work related unless they were secretly gossiping about one another. In this department, you couldnt discuss any new purchases you had acquired because one employee would get angry that your life was much better than hers (five fatherless children) and would act it out by making your life miserable. This was enforced by the supervisors who would tell you "don't talk about any new purchases", and let her display this behavior openly.
Fippant responses and sarcarsm is about all they can handle makes them feel smart and witty.
Nonwork relationships covered who is sleeping with who and who they would like to sleep with and job related problems.
Misinterpretation, misunderstanding, and words twisted is about all you will get if your conversation ventures into territory unknown.
I definitely don't want to get into heated debates. No "good" comes from these kinds of "nasty exchanges."...I enjoy being around open-minded people who want to learn and grow... People who feel ok about "testing" and challenging their existing beliefs. And people who aren't afraid to "feel" their feelings.
[Strange, I took out one letter to edit a mis-spelling in the previous post, and it deleted almost the entire message! Here is the best revision of it.]
Thankfully, I do not encounter much chit-chat. I'm not good at it, and don't like it much either. I enjoy having deep conversations about philosophy and spirituality. There are only a few people with whom I can talk to about this: my mom, one co-worker (occasionally), and my roommate (he hates talking about these topics). None of these conversations are personal; I'm hardly one to give out any personal advice. I would love to have more thoughtful conversations with people though I have myself to blame for much of this as I am quite a loner.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona
I enjoy being around open-minded people who want to learn and grow... People who feel ok about "testing" and challenging their existing beliefs. And people who aren't afraid to "feel" their feelings.
Yes, there is nothing I love more than hearing a different perspective of something I believe or think about. I have this problem where I can almost always see an issue from both sides and can almost always rationalize why each side would be motivated to think or act the way they do. I have mixed feelings about this ability (why I call it a problem). On one hand, I can identify with a wide range of situations; on the other, I find it difficult to place where I fall on these issues which makes me feel vacillating and weak in my beliefs. One can say you don't have to "choose", but for some reason which I cannot put into words at the moment, it does not rest well with me to sit on the fence on some issues.
Yes, there is nothing I love more than hearing a different perspective of something I believe or think about. I have this problem where I can almost always see an issue from both sides and can almost always rationalize why each side would be motivated to think or act the way they do. I have mixed feelings about this ability (why I call it a problem). On one hand, I can identify with a wide range of situations; on the other, I find it difficult to place where I fall on these issues which makes me feel vacillating and weak in my beliefs. One can say you don't have to "choose", but for some reason which I cannot put into words at the moment, it does not rest well with me to sit on the fence on some issues.
I know exactly what you mean by this. I'm uncomfortable feeling that I'm required to pick a position and defend it in social exchanges. I don't really think or operate like that. I'm not my opinions and I don't consider other people to be their opinions either. To me, two people are talking to each other and the topic is: X. Just recognizing the unique outlook and qualities of my companion is enough for me, and the discussions are stimulating and valuable. We learn from each other in many ways, not just about topic X.
I have a few strong convictions but I didn't decide to have them, they just emerged. I try to avoid discussing those topics entirely unless I feel it's necessary to take a stand. This only happened as I got older. I was much more vacillating when I was younger.
Interesting topic, great insights!
Last edited by SusqueHappy; 10-03-2011 at 09:05 AM..
Great posts! Thanks! Sometimes I've "forced" myself to listen to "dogma" that doesn't make sense to me. (Right off the bat anyway!) I want to get a "feel" for why other people adopt or gravitate towards certain beliefs...Our country is so split and divided right now when it comes to politics. It's sad and spooky! I really try hard to understand other people's "side" and "take" on issues if I can.
I've always been a curious person. I like to explore issues "in-depth." ...But most of the time I feel obligated to keep things "light" and "breezy" so I don't come across as too "serious." And I don't want to bore anyone...I'm not into "flippant responses." Or sarcasm. But I do try to look for the humor in life...There are so many "sides" to each issue. So much to see and learn "below the surface." But I find that most people don't want to "go deep" very often. So I keep most things to myself...I have a few friends who do like to go "in-depth." We can talk for hours on end and never run out of topics. (We laugh at things too! Our conversations aren't totally "serious!")....Anyway do you have some "deeper" conversations with friends and family members at times? Do you feel obligated to do a lot of "chit-chat?" Thanks.
I'm the exact same way and the answer to both of your questions is Yes and Yes. Thankfully, as I get older I find it easier to find people to have these kinds of discussions with. My favorite friend at work to talk to is a young man almost 30 years younger and we have great convos with lots of laughs.
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Originally Posted by Basiliximab
Yes, there is nothing I love more than hearing a different perspective of something I believe or think about. I have this problem where I can almost always see an issue from both sides and can almost always rationalize why each side would be motivated to think or act the way they do. I have mixed feelings about this ability (why I call it a problem). On one hand, I can identify with a wide range of situations; on the other, I find it difficult to place where I fall on these issues which makes me feel vacillating and weak in my beliefs. One can say you don't have to "choose", but for some reason which I cannot put into words at the moment, it does not rest well with me to sit on the fence on some issues.
I'm also just like this and while I used to be uncomfortable about it, I no longer am b/c I think that it means that we can see more ramifications to any given situation. The world isn't just black and white to us--there are many shades of colors.
... and circumstances are always changing. I really think that various paradigms are useful for various circumstances - one size 'answer' does not fit all.
Any parent can verify that, haha, you can't reason with a 2 yr old and you can't put a teen down for nap.
There are different reasons and ways of being together / talking - even with the same person; I wouldn't expect a grieving neighbor to assume a lifelong intimate confidence with me after one condolence visit. (Unless it just worked out that way for both of us.)
I thought about this some more and about why it's easier to find people to have meaningful convos with these days and the reason is this: there are plenty of people out there who also enjoy these exchanges, but it takes patience and lots of small talk to get to that point. I've had great conversations with folks that I would have written off as "shallow" when I was younger and discovered to my delighted surprise that even frat boys can have something very intelligent to say. (Never in 10,000 villages would I have admitted this when I was younger.)
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(Never in 10,000 villages would I have admitted this when I was younger.)
