Desperately unhappy, aimless & disinterest in most things (depressed, smoking, cigarette)

[ISTJ Vortex]

I am very unhappy, lost and see nothing ahead for me.

I am not interested in very much in life and certainly nothing that I can make any kind of real living with. I have been this way all my life.
I have done mostly office/computer entry type jobs mostly, just to make some kind of living.
I am not young and have spent my life so far in a mostly miserable state, with only moments of less unhappiness.
I am currently unemployed after leaving my last job 2 months ago.

I don't have any friends nor aquaintances and the idea of socially meeting people and making friends fills me with total dread.
I went to a night class yesterday for a purpose that I only discovered, after the meeting started, that wasn't what I thought it was and then, to make things 1 million times worse, the teacher suddenly requested that each person stand up and introduce themselves and go through a bunch of topics as to why they were there, etc,.
This led to me getting into a total panic, sweating and I wanted to run out of the room, right then and there.
I was the only person in a room of about 30 people who didn't do the intro, which made me stand out even more that when I told the teacher that I didn't want to do this thing.

I don't know my neighbors other than to give them a minor nod now and then.
Sometimes I really hate people but mostly, I avoid them if at all possible.
The exchanges that I must have with people I try to do by email, fax or by mail.
I hate leaving voicemail messages and in my previous jobs, if other people are around which is usually the case in offices, I hate speaking on the phone where people can hear me talking.

I don't know why I am like this but I have made attempts to analyze myself, my thoughts, actions, behavior.
I have come to understand myself better, e.g. that my energy is depleted by the presence of other people and that I can't have more than a few people around and then, not for too long.
I am fine with 1-on-1, when those rare opportunities come up.
I can't tolerate small talk, people talking about the weather, the inane, about the mostly crap on TV.

My perfect idea of a job is to work alone, in my own chosen environment and ideally have no or only have very minor contact with people that I need to do for the job.
I can use the phone in my own environment without difficulty but I don't want to do any work that requires lots of or regular live phone use (e.g. customer service).
If I have to contact a company about a problem, I hate using their customer service lines and so if I can, I send an email.

I had my astrological chart done a few years ago and the astrologist told me that I could be a great business leader, which I was totally puzzled by.

I feel like I want to be away from people and not be forced to engage with them, which I am on a regular basis, such are the assumptions and demands made by society.
Sometimes, I think about living alone in a remote house, in the woods, self-sufficently, somewhere like Wyoming or Idaho.
But then, when I have been alone in homes that are in cities and towns with close neighbors, I'm a bit of a scaredy cat, suspicious of every crack, creek or unfamilar noises, especially at night and I wonder how I am going to respond with being in a remote location if I like this now.

I don't know what help I need but I know that ultimately, I need a certain level of contact with people - but what and how?
I have had psychotherapy before and this provided some benefit and insights, but having more is not an option for me now as I have no job or money and I don't receive benefits.

If it wasn't for the fact that I am also a very sexual person, this problem would be much easier to deal with than it is.
Even so, I have not had any sex for over 10 years.

I am not a horrible person and I have been married before (never had or wanted any kids), but people that I can tolerate are very few and its an absolute miracle that I ever met one that I could be around with, like most people seem to do.

I want to find a livable and viable solution for the rest of my life.
I have never had any thoughts of harming myself nor commiting suicide.

If anyone else recognizes any of the above in themselves (past or present) and can offer any words of help, please do.

Thanks.

[winter_morningjewel]

Sounds like maybe your content with being miserable. Get out enjoy life and do something, change your way of thinking life is to short.

[jaijai]

Originally Posted by winter_morningjewel

Sounds like maybe your content with being miserable. Get out enjoy life and do something, change your way of thinking life is to short.

That's just the absolutely worst kind of thing to say to someone who is desperately depressed, isolated and suffering to such a degree!
The New England / puritanical "chin-up" mentality is not the right "medicine" for sensitive and suffering souls.


O.P. :
I know what it's like to suffer deeply and i don't know what to say to you.
Due to the nature of the medium and due to the fact that i don't know you, i can only sympathize and empathize.
I know, for myself, that there is absolutely no way that i would be able to handle my own pain without a spiritual context but i realize that this may not be an answer for you.
As an aside (and not an indication of my own spiritual path btw) i wonder, given the extreme Saturnine nature of your expression and condition, if that astrologer spoke to you about Saturn?
I see that you are "orbiting around Saturn".

[temptation001]

You might have social anxiety disorder. Talk with your doctor. Oh wait, you said you are not working and aren't seeing a therapist anymore. I think if you check with the government offices in your city, they can refer you to a therapist who will charge like $10.00. Also, make sure you are getting enough sunlight and nutrients and eating well.

[reebo]

Please, please, see someone. Some people are certainly introverts and the presence of others is drain and a stress, but it seems like you may be dealing with some depression (no, I don't even play a doctor on tv, but still...) You're insightful and well-spoken (written?). Don't stop looking for a solution.

[nighthouse66]

vortex, i think part of your problem is definitely that you are HSP- highly sensitive. before anyone poopoos this, it is an actual clinical designation, meaning that you are simply physically and mentally more sensitive. the fact that you say you can't stand small talk and feel depleted by people is a sure sign.

i am the same way, but i do have alot of activities that i enjoy that i push myself to do. i create stuff, i exercise alot, and i manage to find something in the world that still interests me.

i cannot tell you categorically what to do about this, but i think exercising, especially walking or hiking, would help you tremendously. just learning to get pleasure from a beautiful day can really put a new spin on the rest of your day. i don't fancy talking to people about the weather either- in fact most of the time i just want to talk about "deep" stuff and have always been frustrated with small talk. but for some, that is just another component of interacting with other people, and not a means to an end as it is for people like us.

i hope you aren't one of those types who say "but i can't walk anywhere because...." if you aren't in a wheelchair, walking is possible. even if it is at the mall. there are parks EVERYWHERE. when you walk you stimulate endorphins, and that stimulates your mood, and that stimulates everything else.

i dont' reccomend it for everyone, but smoking helps me, and i am not talking about cigarettes. my mind runs on and on and its the only thing that allows me some relief. don't hate, people.

[Pookie]

I think you've gotten some good advice here...especially the getting out in the sun, exercising, enjoying the sites and nature around you. I think society and "experts" and others put pressure on people that everybody is supposed to be around people all the time, and I just don't think that's true. If you enjoy being by yourself, there's nothing wrong with that.

If you don't think there's anything you'd like to do, just pick out 5 different things and TRY them. Try to make each of the things totally different from the next...try one that will encompass some sort of adventure, another that will let you express yourself creatively, another where you learn something scientific, etc. Take a look in the hobbies section in this forum to get some ideas. If these 5 things don't work, move on to the next batch.

Take people in small doses if that's all you want. When exploring different things that might interest you, some of those things will involve other people. I think once you find the things that you like to DO, you'll also find the kind of people you would most enjoy being around.

Hope this helps.

[mikeyking]

Originally Posted by ISTJ Vortex

I am very unhappy, lost and see nothing ahead for me.

I am not interested in very much in life and certainly nothing that I can make any kind of real living with. I have been this way all my life.
I have done mostly office/computer entry type jobs mostly, just to make some kind of living.
I am not young and have spent my life so far in a mostly miserable state, with only moments of less unhappiness.
I am currently unemployed after leaving my last job 2 months ago.

I don't have any friends nor aquaintances and the idea of socially meeting people and making friends fills me with total dread.
I went to a night class yesterday for a purpose that I only discovered, after the meeting started, that wasn't what I thought it was and then, to make things 1 million times worse, the teacher suddenly requested that each person stand up and introduce themselves and go through a bunch of topics as to why they were there, etc,.
This led to me getting into a total panic, sweating and I wanted to run out of the room, right then and there.
I was the only person in a room of about 30 people who didn't do the intro, which made me stand out even more that when I told the teacher that I didn't want to do this thing.

I don't know my neighbors other than to give them a minor nod now and then.
Sometimes I really hate people but mostly, I avoid them if at all possible.
The exchanges that I must have with people I try to do by email, fax or by mail.
I hate leaving voicemail messages and in my previous jobs, if other people are around which is usually the case in offices, I hate speaking on the phone where people can hear me talking.

I don't know why I am like this but I have made attempts to analyze myself, my thoughts, actions, behavior.
I have come to understand myself better, e.g. that my energy is depleted by the presence of other people and that I can't have more than a few people around and then, not for too long.
I am fine with 1-on-1, when those rare opportunities come up.
I can't tolerate small talk, people talking about the weather, the inane, about the mostly crap on TV.

My perfect idea of a job is to work alone, in my own chosen environment and ideally have no or only have very minor contact with people that I need to do for the job.
I can use the phone in my own environment without difficulty but I don't want to do any work that requires lots of or regular live phone use (e.g. customer service).
If I have to contact a company about a problem, I hate using their customer service lines and so if I can, I send an email.

I had my astrological chart done a few years ago and the astrologist told me that I could be a great business leader, which I was totally puzzled by.

I feel like I want to be away from people and not be forced to engage with them, which I am on a regular basis, such are the assumptions and demands made by society.
Sometimes, I think about living alone in a remote house, in the woods, self-sufficently, somewhere like Wyoming or Idaho.
But then, when I have been alone in homes that are in cities and towns with close neighbors, I'm a bit of a scaredy cat, suspicious of every crack, creek or unfamilar noises, especially at night and I wonder how I am going to respond with being in a remote location if I like this now.

I don't know what help I need but I know that ultimately, I need a certain level of contact with people - but what and how?
I have had psychotherapy before and this provided some benefit and insights, but having more is not an option for me now as I have no job or money and I don't receive benefits.

If it wasn't for the fact that I am also a very sexual person, this problem would be much easier to deal with than it is.
Even so, I have not had any sex for over 10 years.

I am not a horrible person and I have been married before (never had or wanted any kids), but people that I can tolerate are very few and its an absolute miracle that I ever met one that I could be around with, like most people seem to do.

I want to find a livable and viable solution for the rest of my life.
I have never had any thoughts of harming myself nor commiting suicide.

If anyone else recognizes any of the above in themselves (past or present) and can offer any words of help, please do.

Thanks.

I am the same, although I can get with people socially - I could spend days by myself and not talk to anyone, would not bother me in the slightest - and yes as for small talk, totally bores me.

I find the same prolonged contact with other people just frustrates and annoys me - they are usually at some level trying to impose their model of the world on you, or will offend you, or they maybe easily offended by something you
If you check the Documentary below - its all about John Nash's game theory

"believed that all humans were inherently suspicious and selfish creatures that strategised constantly"


The Trap-Part 1-**** You Buddy!-Full Length Documentary - YouTube

This gives you a more balanced look at your fellow human beings.

However I suggest you get out an make some more friends, there are people like you, there must be something your interested in, perhaps you can find common interest and people like you.

[hershey87]

As someone who is also a depressed introvert, I see a lot of myself in your post. It's really hard to get by in a culture suited for extroverts. While I do think that you can make changes in order to minimize human contact, getting outside and talking to people now and then is still necessary for anybody; otherwise people like us would get trapped in our heads, and I can't imagine that'd be good for the depression.

Since you have some free time now, have you thought about volunteering? You'd get to spend some one-on-one time with people; that shouldn't be too overwhelming. You could even volunteer at an animal shelter, and get some affection from beings that won't talk your ear off (though they might meow at you.) Also, this would be a wonderful time to explore new career possibilities. Is there a certain line of work that has always appealed to you? Are there job openings for it or education programs near you? I always liked the commuter college lifestyle; you can show up to class and be around people for an hour or two, and then jet home and have the whole day to yourself. Maybe you can get a degree or certificate in something that appeals to you? A job like medical coding, for example, wouldn't require a ton of interaction.

Do you like arts and crafts? What about learning how to sew? I know tons of people make a living by selling things online.

There ARE ways to create a lifestyle that fits your temperament. I think that finding a job that won't depress you and spending quality time with people in small doses could really make a difference. The first step to take is to start doing things that make you happy and get you out of the house (volunteering, going to museums, adopting a cat - whatever it is) and then ask yourself, "If I can do anything, what would it be?" Whatever it is, it's possible.

[Misanthrope71]

Vortex, I could have written your first post. It sounds like you have Dysthymia, which is chronic, low level depression, often going back to childhood. I came to this forum from your post. It is actually a bit of a relief to know I am not the only one!