Hi all!
I originally posted this in the Relationships thread. I think it might be relevant here, too.
I have been with my current girlfriend for a little over 11 months now. For the most part things are great. We have had a few arguments, but I would say that we get along well together for the most part. We have enough in common and where we differ we are open to each others opinions (without getting too testy!
).
But, something is not quite right. About two months into our relationship, she started with the baby talk (she's 35) saying that she wanted a kid before she was 40. Okay, fine. I told her my thoughts on the subject saying that I was not exactly looking for a kid (currently childless) but that I was open to the possibility if it was with the right woman and I was in a more financial stable situation. I recently entered into a grad program and am only working part time while supplementing my income with student loans. I grew up dirt poor and do not want to bring a child into this world while I can barely pay for myself at this moment. She also just entered into grad school, btw.
We only talked about kids a few times, then the subject was dropped until very recently. Now she's saying she doesn't care if we stay together, she wants a kid from me
!
That got me thinking about a few things. She says she loves me, and I am sure that she does, but I question if she is really in love with me. For one, she doesn't really know much about me. Yeah, she knows some of my habits and what not, but she does not know anything really about who I am. I also realize I don't know much about her, either.
Earlier in the relationship she got upset with me because I never ask about her life, family, etc. She got upset over this, cried, and we even got into an argument over it. I told her that I pick up this stuff through everyday talk. I also reminded her of the time shortly before this when she told me she had "things to say", but there was plenty of time to get to them at a later point in time. I figured she had something big to tell me and that she would tell me when she feels comfortable doing so.
A few months later I did ask her what these things were and she told me some story that turned out to be a nonevent. It was nice to hear, but nothing earth shattering.
There was another time when she told me that her parents didn't talk about emotions when she was growing up. She has a great relationship with her parents now, very open and loving. I asked if this is why she is closed off about expressing deep thoughts and she got upset. We got into a little argument over this and she told me that is why she doesn't say anything, because she doesn't want this stuff to be used against her. Uh, ok
She also has a habit of turning everything around. If I mention something that she said on a previous date in time, she tells me that I misunderstood her or flat out denies saying it. Actually, she does this a lot. I am at a point where I don't want to bring anything up, no matter how mundane, for fear of being told that I am wrong. It has gotten to a point where I feel as if I may actually be making this stuff up. Along with that, it seems that I do things to constantly upset her. Nothing major, I'm just being myself. It's just little things that are part of my personality that seem to get under her skin for reasons I do not understand. Sometimes these things turn into petty arguments. She claims this arguments were because of a misunderstanding in our different communication styles, but totally ignoring the fact that they started because I did or did not do something and she had an issue with that.
For example, one time was over the fact that she was running late for school and I didn't make her a sandwich. Here is the thing, she never asked if I would. She was upset because she was late and I was just sitting there on the couch drinking my morning coffee as she was frantically trying to get out the door. This has actually happened more than once. This morning was the last time. I did ask if there was anything I could do to help her out. She said no, then got mad because she now "had to buy a lunch".
The cycle is typical; she gets upset, turns the situation around, then wants to hug or kiss or cuddle afterwards. She says she loves me, a lot actually. She probably says it 20 times a day. Not only that, but she tries to "trick" me into saying it back to her. On top of that, she tries to trick me into telling her she is beautiful, too. By trick I mean she says something that seems to be of the only purpose for me to respond with an affirmative answer.
There was a point in time when she texted me constantly. One time I was at work and we texted back and forth for about ten minutes. I began to spread out my responses over a period of a few minutes because, well, I was at work. She texted me back asking if I why I was getting short with her. I answered back that I was at work and had stuff to do. She responded with "are you mad at me?" Once again, the trick and set-up.
She also bends over backwards to do stuff for people, even if they do not ask for her help. If they do not return the favor, she cries that she has no friends.
Going back to talking with her, when I do, she will pull out her and read and respond to emails and texts while I am talking to her. Did I mention she is 35?
This is getting long enough, so I will wrap this up with this:
1. She puts on a happy face and is all smiles with the outside world. Yet with me she is constantly stressed out.
2. I'll do something that upsets her, then she will turn around and say I love you. I'm am wondering if she is really in love with me or just with the idea that I am still with her.
3. She turns everything around to be about her and cries until I cave in and tell her everything will be allright, she is a great person, etc. I don't want to cave in, but it is hard to see her cry and if I tell her to act like the 35 year old she is, I get told I am a jerk.
4. She seems to be stuck in the mindset of a 12 year old. This wasn't apparent until a few months ago.
5. She likes "bed head" because it gives the appearance to the world that she is getting laid. She is not ugly, btw.
6. She used to wear men's cologne in the beginning. She told me it was so that she smelled like she "just came from a man".
7. She texts, emails, and checks Facebook constantly. She deletes anything on FB about her that shows her in not-so-positive-but-just-regular light. She keeps her FB page completely locked down, totally controlling who sees what because she likes to keep things private.
8. She gets mad at me then turns around and says I love you.
9. She says I love you roughly 20 times a day.
10. She is totally not observant. She seems to not notice things about me or what I am doing.
11. If I don't give her the attention she wants or say I love you, she walks away. Then comes back a little bit later and uses one of her set-up statements.
12. She likes to hear about my day, but seems totally disinterested in anything really deep and personal about me.
13. She has an excuse for everything. She rarely takes responsibility for herself.
14. She has accused me of ruining her self esteem. In retrospect, even though she seemed put together at first, I doubt if she ever had any to begin with.
There are others, but I am beginning to wonder if she is narcissistic. I understand that I painted an unsavory picture of her. She is not like this 100% of the time and if I call her out on it she says that she is joking, etc.
Don't know what to do now. I have good self-esteem but lately I am feeling as if I am being used. I have also begun to question my own sanity.
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Perspective
