Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I have been reaching out more to certain people and letting the people I trust "come in" a little more...I've sure felt "naked" and exposed since my husband passed away last year. We used to live in our own "little cave" a lot. It was great but probably not very smart. We weren't thinking in terms of "losing" each other...After my husband died it was mostly me and my son in a "cave." We have a few friends in the area and they've been good to us. But they don't really "do emotions" very often...My longtime out-of-the-area friend has sure helped me cope with things via frequent phone calls. She refused to let me "waste away" and "drown." (Or have a nervous breakdown!)...She brought in her sisters and family to show me that I am loved and not really all alone! Everyone is encouraging me to move close to them and be part of their family when my son recovers. They want to "adopt us!"....And I am so tired of "going it alone!" I think we all need help and emotional support at times. (Especially when we're going through crisis after crisis.)...Who is going to take care of the nurse when she (or he) reaches their "last leg" and barely has the strength or energy to keep going on and "doing for others?" Sometimes it helps to have a little "friendly support."...Anyway life has had lot of lessons to teach me lately. And one of them is throwing away "false pride."
Great post and I agree with what you say where there is room to agree. I am glad that people are being helpful and there for you. I am sorry about your husband's passing and current health issues with your son.
I know what it feels like to feel like it's one thing after the other. I've been feeling that way since 2008. Fortunately (and oddly enough), my ex MIL has been a great source of support for me recently. I can count on less than one hand others who have really been there - at least in a meaningful way so consider yourself fortunate in that regard that you do have people encouraging you to move closer to them. That is a big deal.
My mother died in September. I've been alone in this. My friends knew it was hard and trying, generally speaking. The following details are unknown and are too heavy for the average college senior.
Before then, I was grumbling about the will (trust to be in place for 5 years) that would render me not penniless but dependent on the goodwill of the trustees, my (both maternal) uncle and grandfather. (I'm 22, my sister is 20). This trust, or rather the finality of mom's lack of trust (pun) in us, disturbs me. My grandfather gave me, in brief, the reason of tax advantages, which is quite true for one particular lump of money. Well, then why lock up the house and the life insurance money? Neither are taxable and we're well under anything taxable under estate law.
Mom's plan was the bring in my father, or her ex-husband (legal separation), depending on how you look at it, to mind the house. I attend college overseas, make a poor landlord, and have a dog to look after (technically, the dog is a 50-50 split ownership between myself and my mother, or rather, her estate). Anyway. because of work and alcoholism, he was not a presence in my life between my birth and 2002. Thereafter, my more meaningful interactions with him, were a mixed bag, to say the least. My opinion of him pre-cancer was a stable if somewhat below-average one. Afterwards, my mother told me the *full story* of trials and tribulations. I had picked up enough and inferred more (the psychological and material impacts lingered for the rest of mom's life.)
Some days later, he told me that he'd be bringing an 80lb lab into the house, a bomb-sniffing dog from work. My husky is 43 pounds and the last thing I want is a ballsy (read: aggressive) police dog. I was forbidden from telling mom. His requests were worth s*** at this point, so I told everyone. The day before mom died, I told her and how my grandfather suggested that one option might be getting rid of our husky. In late August, mom was at the stage where exhaustion is the main issue. The mind still works just fine, but exhaustion and a taciturn manner are normal. I used to bring the dog in, and I'd lay beside her. The dog would curl up at her feet. She would just say "I love you so much." I was hoping that a deathbed wish would be sacrosanct, so I told her. She was at death's door, but she still retained her faculties (really up until the last 2 hours). Her answer was "no, no, no." Over and over. That was the last time I spoke with her. In tears and in fear my last words to her were, "Why did you set this up? Why did you marry that man?" That haunts me every. single. night. Both what I said and the circumstances that drove me to it.
The dog still came, but it was after I left for school (after all, why deal with me when you can just run roughshod over my rights when I'm gone?) He was eventually replaced for another dog after proving too aggressive. The silence regarding details has been deafening and piqued my suspicions. I return home in two weeks. If any harm was done to my dog, I as beneficiary will sue the trustees for negligence.
The day after the funeral, my aunt and uncle drop by. I open the door and bid them follow me in. As I turn, she asks me how everything is going. I'm choking back the truth, but I stumble over something on the floor. I was in such a fragile state that such an incident would make lose composure. So I go into a rage (I'm quite the doormat, normally). I push a chair over and start and start damning everything I can think of, beginning with cancer itself. I cursed my grandfather for rendering me "penniless", "with nothing", and dependent on my father for the meantime. I cursed the hound he was bringing. I cursed the marriage that "ruined mom" and wished she did better, even if that ruled me "out of the picture." I cursed my grandfather for sanctioning it (by everyone's admission, she was explicitly warned about dad's drinking) and furnishing an open bar at the country club. My father was on some errand and my sister was out with her gaggle of misfits. I was exhausted and insulted by a 3 day non-stop wake/funeral ritual, As the lone atheist, I had to witness a veritable orgy of Catholic God-praising when I bore the memory of a woman whose illness struck just when life was "getting good" and took a turn for the worse at every opportunity, hope was consistently crushed, and during which the dying process insured that every indignity possible was suffered.
Well, my aunt roundly breaches confidence and tells my grandfather. He tells me to calm down. He then warns me that such outbursts will condemn me and ruin my professional career, and that I'll probably forget what he said by then. If you're wondering "WTF, how did he jump to your future career." Well I still wonder that to this day. I begged him remember what a good doormat I've been. By now I'm choking back more emotions and raise my voice (a very little bit) to get over that invisible lump in your throat. I am sure you all know that particular sensation. He says that "I'm doing it again." I say, "how can I help it. You're conflating a moment of weakness with a gaping personality flaw." I don't know what my aunt told him, although she does have a tendency for exaggeration. I should have pointed that out and reminded him that "his health was failing" according to my aunt. That probably would have at least raised the eyebrow of someone who golfs 3 times a week, sits on multiple committees, and manages a $5 million portfolio.
That's enough for now. I've learned that I cannot express my emotions to my family. I've experienced "blow back" from it, every. single. time. Some think I'm a dangerous-can-fly-off-the-handle sort. While the berth you get with that reputation is seemingly a great change from my old "weakling intellectual, was bullied in the past" , it has its own problems. If I want the money my mother set aside for my schooling, I have to tow the party line and be under greater scrutiny than at any point in my life.
My mother swore in her last weeks that "this disease is taking everything from me, but it won't do the same to my children."
I'm living in my own hell being haunted by words of the past and fears of the future. The sad thing? I loved my grandfather like the father every boy/young man deserves. Now? I don't know. Too much good and bad mixed together. If I were a person of faith with a "guarantee" of an afterlife, I'd have hurled myself out the window, thinking "I'm coming to see you again."
Needless to say, I'm probably clinically depressed and have a few other conditions going on as well.
I am sorry that you lost your Mom in September , but your last sentence really says it all. Please get some yourself some "professional" help instead of just posting on this forum !
Best wishes,
~HDL~
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amelorn
My mother died in September. I've been alone in this. My friends knew it was hard and trying, generally speaking. The following details are unknown and are too heavy for the average college senior.
<<snip snip>>> Needless to say, I'm probably clinically depressed and have a few other conditions going on as well.
Unless said "help" can cast my father from my house, break a trust, and give me a measure of the freedom I crave, then it's a waste of time/money. I'd rather have a discussion with someone I know and trust.
Amelorn, professional counseling is there to help you cope with unchangeable facts in your life, and work out what changes you can make. And perhaps help you see some things in a different light. You don't know if it's a waste of time and money until you try.
Amelorn, professional counseling is there to help you cope with unchangeable facts in your life, and work out what changes you can make. And perhaps help you see some things in a different light. You don't know if it's a waste of time and money until you try.
For better or for worse, I see my reactions (grief & anger) as rational reactions. I told my grandfather that I objected to having my father back home (life with him was chaotic, to say the least) and that the independence I enjoyed (responsibly, mind you) was now being scaled back. I was threatened against saying anything to mom lest I "incur the wrath of the family" or that "people would think you're greedy." (Mind you after giving up an internship in Berlin and a contingency job in NYC to be mom's cook, cleaner, grocery shopper, and companion. I would go for weeks with my only excursion from the house being a walk up the block to the grocery store for dinner).
The best coping mechanism and healthiest balm I've discovered is to stay as far away as I can (waiting out the months) and surround myself with friends, even if only 1 or 2 have the wherewithal to take in what I've written. The reason why it's weakening is that I'll be back home for the Christmas break, where I lose both friends and physical distance. My plan is to tidy up my bedroom, have some gingerbread, lure my dog with a bowl of milk, and read a book. If I am feeling like 2 legged company, I will visit my grandmother. Given the "wound" in the relationship with my grandfather and my lack of desire to speak with him (which does sadden me), I've neglected her. So I intend to make up for it over the holidays.
Great post and I agree with what you say where there is room to agree. I am glad that people are being helpful and there for you. I am sorry about your husband's passing and current health issues with your son.
I know what it feels like to feel like it's one thing after the other. I've been feeling that way since 2008. Fortunately (and oddly enough), my ex MIL has been a great source of support for me recently. I can count on less than one hand others who have really been there - at least in a meaningful way so consider yourself fortunate in that regard that you do have people encouraging you to move closer to them. That is a big deal.
Sorry that you've had to face so many problems all in a row for so long...Good that your ex MIL has been supportive. How would you define "meaningful support?" (Just curious.)...Some people "mean well" and they feel that they are helping. But they are not really "feelers." When they call I know they expect me to "be better" and do "chit-chat." And sometimes this is hard. I don't want to do "chit-chat" all the time. If they catch me at a "rough time" I don't want to feel obligated to put on a "false front" just so they will feel comfortable. I'd rather be real and honest...Good thing that I have a few friends who can "feel" and empathize...And once the feelings come out I can usually talk about some other things too. How about you? Sometimes my friends and I even end up laughing about something before we hang-up. And this helps me get back in balance. But my friends asked about my feelings first.
Why do people isolate when they have problems? What are some of your thoughts about it? Thanks...
Thanks for starting this meaningful discussion.
No doubt some reasons have already been stated: People don't want to be a burden, they think no one gives a crap, they don't know how to talk about what they're going through. Myself, I've always hated being needy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona
Some people "mean well" but they don't really understand what we are going through. It's hard for me to settle for endless "chit chat" right now. Diversions can be good but I don't want to limit what I say just so I won't make other people feel uncomfortable
The immediate days after my husband's death were like a whirlwind -- I was never alone except in the bathroom, always busy, always someone to talk to or lean on. Then, after about a week and a half, everyone went home, went back to work, back to their lives. The silence was overwhelming. For another week or so I did isolate myself, getting used to being alone at home, getting used to doing certain chores he'd always done. It felt right to isolate myself -- at least physically -- for those days.
I've been extraordinarily lucky -- surprisingly so -- to be able to talk about the dying, death and grieving processes with a number of friends and even some empathetic casual acquaintances who, after an awkward pause or two, were able to encourage me to talk. And it felt so good! Some of the stuff I've talked over with a stepsister-in-law who I've met precisely twice I'd never dream of even hinting at with my mother! It really has helped to find those two or three special people to connect with.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona
Some people get stuck in self-pity and they become "toxic." They want to hold on to their anger and blame and resentment and it becomes their identity
I had a friend like this; it took her decades of therapy to be able to quit blaming all her problems on her parents. I got so tired of her over-psychoanalyzing and hypersensitivity that I just stopped talking to her. It took a long time to rebuild our friendship.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona
I have been reaching out more to certain people and letting the people I trust "come in" a little more...I've sure felt "naked" and exposed since my husband passed away last year. We used to live in our own "little cave" a lot. It was great but probably not very smart.
We did the same thing; it was wonderful, but now that he's gone there are very few friends physically nearby for me, outside of work acquaintances. Everyone who would drop everything for me lives 400 miles away.
Quote:
Anyway life has had lot of lessons to teach me lately. And one of them is throwing away "false pride."
Good for you! And I completely agree. If you open yourself up to someone who, it turns out, doesn't give a crap, shrug it off and move on. Yeah, it hurts, but it doesn't hurt as much as bottling everything up inside.
At this age, it just bothers me because it's become so evident that it's unlikely I will ever experience what love feels like. For many years, when I was young, and then even after my divorce, I thought for sure it would have to happen eventually. I know I'm a little odd and my interests are different from regular people's, and I'm not a beauty queen but don't need a bag over my head either, but geez, I never imagined I was so completely repulsive and unlovable. Having to accept that fact has been very difficult, but I'll get through it and then just proceed with whatever time I have left, I guess.
I don't think you can say this really.
I discovered love for the first time at the age of 39. But I wasn't looking and while I had no expectations that this would happen for me in my life, I never had the feeling that you expressed.
I also don't think you can point to yourself with self-diagnosed reasons as being the "reasons" why love hasn't happened for you.
The reason(s) why love does or does not happen are mostly outside of our control.
And your appeal to others is a multi-faceted, multi-layered and fiendishly difficult chemistry that no-one knows, or has ever known, how it works.
An old work colleague used to come to me every few months, expressing concern/stress at her Mr. Right not turning up yet (she was 35) and she would point to a fellow colleague who met her Mr. Right at our same place of work and everything worked out for them. "Why can't this happen to me"? she would often say and complain.
Well, I said, the reasons are not known and your desperation could be an impediment to realizing love.
I also told her that trying to find love is like handling jello - the more you try to get a grip of it, the more it goes away from your hands.
Beyond being the best person you can be for yourself and circulating generally in society, there's little else you can do to bring love into your life.
But also, our feelings/energy/tension/anxiety/fear could be sending subtle/subliminal messages that keep possible suitors away.
Oh and the height thing is to be taken with a pinch of salt. Are you aware of a biological drive that makes shorter than average people marry up with taller than average people, so that their offspring end up average?
Last edited by ISTJ Vortex; 11-29-2011 at 04:07 PM..
Why do people isolate when they have problems? What are some of your thoughts about it? Thanks...
I have done this all my life to some extent or the other.
When something bad happens or I am hurt emotionally by someone, there is no-one that can give me comfort or soothing - no-one - and I go and stay away from everyone.
I am not working now but when I was, I would not speak to anyone for as long as I could when these feelings would occur. It could go on for days.
To me, people = problems and even though I know logically that people also = life and good things, when something serious or bad happens, I don't have any desire to engage with anyone for any kind of help.
I think I don't have any faith in other people to fix things or make it better.
I am about to re-start my therapy so perhaps I can look into why this is, among a laundry list of other issues.
It took me a while to discover that I am a loner and I am sure this is also a reason why I isolate myself when stuff happens.
When I am not hurt and just normal, I so like the calm and serenity of isolation, whether it be an hour or days at a time.
I find accommodating other people's needs and attention to be unpredictable and often draining.
Being an ISTJ, I can't take more than a modicum of other people's presence at the best of times and any kind of open-ended social interaction is usually avoided.
Extroverts are energized by other people, so they bring in others when they have problem. Its just a different way of handling the same thing I think.
Some years ago when I wasn't working, I ended up not leaving my home for many days at a time (around 6-10) and also, not seeing or speaking to anyone.
I had also discovered the internet at that time and spent some time in AOL chat rooms.
During this time, I felt I was spiraling downwards into nothingness, where one day melded into another and each day I did the same things.I didn't see the point of anything but at no point did I ever desire or even think about suicide.
It never entered my mind.
I don't have any friends to speak of and I don't make any effort to make any.
My family is mostly detached from each other and we only engage in what i call "surface platitudes".
I thought I would be happy like this but find that I am not.
I hope to find a comfortable medium that has eluded me all my life.
Thank you to the others who have posted their feelings and thoughts.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
) He was eventually replaced for another dog after proving too aggressive. The silence regarding details has been deafening and piqued my suspicions. I return home in two weeks. If any harm was done to my dog, I as beneficiary will sue the trustees for negligence. 
, but your last sentence really says it all. Please get some yourself some "professional" help instead of just posting on this forum 
! 
And I completely agree. If you open yourself up to someone who, it turns out, doesn't give a crap, shrug it off and move on. Yeah, it hurts, but it doesn't hurt as much as bottling everything up inside.
