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My mom has a long and sordid relationship history but there's this common thread amongst most the men she chooses....sexually inappropriate.
Mom's been married and divorced three times; the ending of each marriage always involved adultery on one or both sides. Mom has also been promiscuous for as far back as I can remember. Her last ex husband was very much the pervy type and still is. Her current SO other is the same. Her current SO has been sending messages over Facebook to my 20yo daughter and they are highly inappropriate. Even when my mom sees "evidence" like this in black and white, she finds a way to justify the behavior. She and her SO live several states away so I'm not overly concerned but I still don't like it.
When I was a kid my mom brought different guys around all the time. One guy she met on the bus and she brought him home to live with her the next day. Another time she had an affair with a married neighbor and he ended up moving in. As it turns out, he was sexually abusive, she knew it, stayed with him anyway.
She also has issues with spending too much money.....earns a decent income but overspends and ends up not having enough for her bills, almost always. She messed around with drugs quite a bit when she was younger, mostly cocaine.
Anyhow, she's generally still pretty irresponsible but can put up enough of a facade to maintain her career. She usually cannot maintain relationships of any kind; romantic, family, platonic.....doesn't matter. Eventually they all come to an end. She has three grandkids (my kids) and she pretty much ignores them, along with DH and me. She hasn't spent time with any of my kids in years. She and I are not close. However, when she does not have a man in her life she attempts to be very clingy to me - I just don't let it happen. When she is involved with a man, such as she is now, we barely hear from her. In that I mean, close to nothing. No calls at all and maybe an email once every six months. She never asks about our kids or us.....generally just goes on and on about her relationship troubles.
I'm not interested in renewing a relationship with her but interested what others' take might be on what I've described. She put me in harms' way quite a bit when I was growing up and seems to have no remorse. I don't know if she does or not but it would seem that way from how she acts. She's very self-centered, always has been.
I'm curious about what drives her behavior because I don't understand it. It's been bothering me more since my father passed away unexpectedly a few months back and she was of no support to me. I wasn't really surprised that she wasn't there for me but I was disappointed. She just continued to speak of her own troubles without much to say about what i went through. It still amazes me sometimes how selfish she is.
If she drank too, she could be my mothers twinnie!
In regard to my mother, low self-esteem is what I came up with. She must have a man, any man, that is what her ego and self esteem is based on. She is very competitive with other women, including me and is just all gooey eyed with men, she is a real manipulator.
I do remember when I was in my twenties, my grandfather and I were talking and he said "There is something wrong with your mother, she doesn't care about anyone except herself, me, me, I, I."
Well, she is now 86, her S/O of 21 years died last June and guess what? She trying to hook up with another man at 86, good grief! Life is still all about her, what can you do for me today?
All her men except the last one have been alcoholics and abusers. The last guy was neither, he was easy going, too easy going, she ordered him around, and talked to him with distain and abuse, it was awful to see/listen to.
There have been two times in my adult life that I have gone no contact with her. Once for 10 years another four. They were the happiest, most peaceful years of my life.
Sorry that you have to deal with this behavior, however, she is not going to change.
I'm sorry that you had to grow up having a mother that is so self-centered. That must have been really difficult, and I imagine really difficult now to see the innappropriate messages to your DD on FB. I am not a prude at all, but I think it comes down to common decency and self-respect.. It makes me very uncomfortable when people act like that especially on FB when their own children can see it! I was adopted, but met my bio-family.. One of my bio-half-sisters is a single mom of 5 kids, including 2 little girls that are only 9 years old..Well, as long as I have known her she constantly has different men come over and spend the night and even some women..She acts like a ho and one time posted pics of sexually inappropriate things on FB, and my son wrote, "do you know there are 10 year olds that can see this?"..Well, I had all of my kids block her after that, not just for that reason, but many more reasons..
I think that you can have a relationship with your Mother but you have to realize that she wont change and she is who she is. So, its up to you what you can handle dealing with in your life. I must add though that its great that you turned out so well!! ) good luck
If she drank too, she could be my mothers twinnie!
In regard to my mother, low self-esteem is what I came up with. She must have a man, any man, that is what her ego and self esteem is based on. She is very competitive with other women, including me and is just all gooey eyed with men, she is a real manipulator.
I do remember when I was in my twenties, my grandfather and I were talking and he said "There is something wrong with your mother, she doesn't care about anyone except herself, me, me, I, I."
Well, she is now 86, her S/O of 21 years died last June and guess what? She trying to hook up with another man at 86, good grief! Life is still all about her, what can you do for me today?
All her men except the last one have been alcoholics and abusers. The last guy was neither, he was easy going, too easy going, she ordered him around, and talked to him with distain and abuse, it was awful to see/listen to.
There have been two times in my adult life that I have gone no contact with her. Once for 10 years another four. They were the happiest, most peaceful years of my life.
Sorry that you have to deal with this behavior, however, she is not going to change.
That's for sure.....I've always figured as much. Now that she's in her 60's (I'm in my 40's), there's no change to be had on her part. Except for possibly getting worse.
I do believe low self-esteem, as you mentioned about your mom, has a large
part to do with my mom's behavior. It's really off-putting, even to listen to it. She's still chasing men around who make it clear they don't want her. A few years back she up and moved 2500 miles away to chase a guy who made it crystal clear he didn't want to be with her. Even so, she had communication going with several different men via dating websites. She's been living away from my area for 3-4 years now - I don't miss her. That said, the current one she lives with (he's from the same area as me) has been showing the same signs as all the others and it looks like he may move back here. She has talked about moving back here too.....to be there for him when he "changes his mind." Personally, I prefer the 2500 mile separation between us!
I have often considered going no contact......have only gone as far as severely limiting it the last few years. I pretty much try to keep it to email as to maintain my own sanity.
Regarding your mom....86 and still chasing??? Wow, lol!!! my mom is only in her 60s but I can imagine if she makes it to your mom's age, she won't be any different. Seems like it would be tiring to still be chasing at that age!!
I'm sorry that you had to grow up having a mother that is so self-centered. That must have been really difficult, and I imagine really difficult now to see the innappropriate messages to your DD on FB. I am not a prude at all, but I think it comes down to common decency and self-respect.. It makes me very uncomfortable when people act like that especially on FB when their own children can see it! I was adopted, but met my bio-family.. One of my bio-half-sisters is a single mom of 5 kids, including 2 little girls that are only 9 years old..Well, as long as I have known her she constantly has different men come over and spend the night and even some women..She acts like a ho and one time posted pics of sexually inappropriate things on FB, and my son wrote, "do you know there are 10 year olds that can see this?"..Well, I had all of my kids block her after that, not just for that reason, but many more reasons..
I think that you can have a relationship with your Mother but you have to realize that she wont change and she is who she is. So, its up to you what you can handle dealing with in your life. I must add though that its great that you turned out so well!! ) good luck
Yes, the thing about this guy sending messages to my daughter p*sses me off. Then when my daughter told her grandmother, my mom (of course) blamed it on her and not the pervert she calls her significant other. In all reality for my mom, my daughter is young and attractive and therefore competition. Her own granddaughter! Sickening. I also have two boys (19 and 17) the older of which is in the military. I'm not surprised by this but thus far she has made no contact with him, neither at Basic or where he's stationed now. She only "tries" with family when there's no man in her life. The only problem for her in that is that we don't allow it to get very far.
I'm not interested in any more of a relationship with her than what little exists.
I realized years ago there was no change in store for her and my life, and that of my immediate family, is better off keeping her at a distance. Sometimes I just still find it shocking she is as selfish and inappropriate as she is.
It reads like your Mom might be suffering from Bi-Polar D/O. If that is the case, your childhood must have been quite difficult.
Bi-Polar D/O'ed folks often have successful careers as they are perceived as enthusiatic, "go getting" and high energy in non-personal office situations.
Their personal lives can be extra-ordinarily dysfunctional. Bi-Polar folks (especially manic) tend to have an over inflated self esteem, exhibit poor judgement, impulsivity (over spending), risky behaviour (hypersexuality, drug abuse etc). The drug abuse is often an attempt at symptom control. They, frequently, have very shallow, dysfunctional personal relationships and attract losers.
I am in awe of you for surviving your childhood with such a healthy attitude.
It reads like your Mom might be suffering from Bi-Polar D/O. If that is the case, your childhood must have been quite difficult.
Bi-Polar D/O'ed folks often have successful careers as they are perceived as enthusiatic, "go getting" and high energy in non-personal office situations.
Their personal lives can be extra-ordinarily dysfunctional. Bi-Polar folks (especially manic) tend to have an over inflated self esteem, exhibit poor judgement, impulsivity (over spending), risky behaviour (hypersexuality, drug abuse etc). The drug abuse is often an attempt at symptom control. They, frequently, have very shallow, dysfunctional personal relationships and attract losers.
I am in awe of you for surviving your childhood with such a healthy attitude.
You sound like a great Mom!
I've wondered about the possibility of bipolar before. The paragraph where you mentioned all of the possible dysfunction in their personal lives.....every detail could be applied to my mom's behavior. The attracting losers part really caught my eye. My dad and first stepdad were not like all of the other men (losers) she has dated/married and she couldn't get away from them (dad/first stepdad) fast enough. Normal living is not her scene.
What I really sort of half dread is her current BF breaking up with her, which seems to be imminent. Break-ups usually turn her life upside down and into a tailspin. I have known people actually dx'd with BP and one guy I knew who was dealing with BP personally, although medicated, etc, said her behavior during these times always seemed pretty manic to him. After break-ups she seems to go through a period of emotional upset and then "party animal" time....a lot of time spent at bars and hooking up with men. I don't know how that might play out for her in her 60's but there will be some variation of past behavior, I'm sure. I dread it because these are precisely the times she wants to glom onto me, since she is without a man during these times.
After many years (decades actually) of working with the SMI population, it never ceases to amaze me how folks like your Mom are able to function, fairly successfully, at their jobs while leading totally chaotic personal lives.
My thoughts are that the job provides them with some semblance of routine, order and focus. My guess is that she doesn't have any close relationships with her co-workers? Or that she has any lasting social relationships?
Her "normal" is not your normal, her thought process is not the same and it must be very difficult for her. Probably why she seeks out other "not normal" people (ie: losers). This is familiar territory for her, comfort.
Conundrum for you. Your Mom is supposed to be there for you, but she isn't.
You are doing the right thing for your own kids. Protect them, protect yourself and set very strict limitations on your Mom. Her geriatric years will, probably, be very unhappy for her.
After many years (decades actually) of working with the SMI population, it never ceases to amaze me how folks like your Mom are able to function, fairly successfully, at their jobs while leading totally chaotic personal lives.
My thoughts are that the job provides them with some semblance of routine, order and focus. My guess is that she doesn't have any close relationships with her co-workers? Or that she has any lasting social relationships?
Her "normal" is not your normal, her thought process is not the same and it must be very difficult for her. Probably why she seeks out other "not normal" people (ie: losers). This is familiar territory for her, comfort.
Conundrum for you. Your Mom is supposed to be there for you, but she isn't.
You are doing the right thing for your own kids. Protect them, protect yourself and set very strict limitations on your Mom. Her geriatric years will, probably, be very unhappy for her.
Stay strong and good luck!
No close relationships with her co-workers. When she's involved with a man, she focuses all her time/attention on them. I'm not sure if that's all driven by her, them, or the dynamics of the relationship. For example, when my dad died a couple months ago, I was devastated. Not only was his death unexpected, most of the family, including me, did not know how sick he was. Less than 24 hours in-between finding out he was in ICU on life support and signing the paperwork to have life support removed. The only saving grace was I was there when he passed. At some point I called my mom. While I did not expect her to be sad for him, it would have been nice to have some emotional support from her. Not in the cards.....she told me to make sure I didn't call her after a certain time because her current live-in "doesn't want to hear about one of my exes." Then she proceeded to talk about the live-in instead. I hung up on her. Now she doesn't email because, as she says, she needs to focus all her time on him/their relationship because of his insecurities. She tries to text me when the BF isn't around but I can't be bothered to reply. I no longer see the point.
She has managed to maintain a career, which is strange at best, given the rest of her life. She makes in the low six figures and is in management. There is no absence of drama though....she especially has a hard time with other women or men she's not physically attracted to. She has slept with a lot of married men in the course of her career.
I worry about her geriatric years and have contemplated, seriously, of moving with no forwarding address. I'm an only child and I dread the idea of what she could be like as an elderly person, especially if she's alone.
It is very hard to imagine that a Mom could be so detached from her child. But it happens and it is sad, painful and hard to take.
Your Dad was probably the closest to a normal parental relationship you had and he left you. His life with your Mom was probably awful.
Her ability to sustain a long term relationship doesn't exist. Not even with her only child! Unimaginable for most of us Moms.
I am not a proponent of therapy, but, I think it might help you to support what you are trying to do.
You need to hear that what you are thinking/doing is pretty much "normal".
Your decision as to how to deal with your Mom is up to you.
Tough one.
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good luck
Personally, I prefer the 2500 mile separation between us!
Then she proceeded to talk about the live-in instead. I hung up on her. Now she doesn't email because, as she says, she needs to focus all her time on him/their relationship because of his insecurities. She tries to text me when the BF isn't around but I can't be bothered to reply. I no longer see the point.
