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toddOO...Thanks. I hope things start to go better for you too. Sad that men are still chastised for crying in our society. We all need to release our emotions at times. (Men and women and boys and girls.) Sad that we aren't given permission to express and release our feelings in healthy (and natural ways) when we are growing up and as adults too.
But UGH--like my mother, my husband could turn the tears on at will to garner sympathy or make himself look like a sensitive person. The parallels between my mother and my ex-husband were astounding, once I examined them in therapy, even though on the surface it wouldn't appear to be that way. My mother did not drink, for example, while my ex-husband is an alcoholic. But emotionally and manipulatively, they were both very much alike.
The parallels between my mother and my ex-husband were astounding,
That is AMAZING...because the SAME EXACT THING HAPPENED TO ME!!! My Mother is critical, demanding, perfectionist, has major personality issues. Anyway, one would think that you would want someone opposite of that...but the thing is, you are used to being treated a certian way, and it almost made me feel uncomfortable to be with someone who was nice to me. I was not used to that feeling, it was better to be with someone who was mean, because that is what I was "wired" for...it took me years of self examination to realize that. How did I pick someone almost exactly like my Mom? Who treated me horrible? Why did I do that? Well, I am over that now.
Thanks for your great posts! This is just a quickie for now and I'll write more later...Earlier in life I experienced some of the negative aspects of my Mom and Dad in relationships too...But my last husband had more of the positive aspects of my parents in him. I had to do the PTSD thing first I guess and release my anger towards my parents to be able to see their "good sides."...I've never been around anyone who did excessive and manipulative crying. (Men or women.) I don't like any kind of manipulative tactics...The other day a single male neighbor tried to manipulate and guilt-trip me into loaning him money. YUK! I saw through his tactics. And kept saying "no."...I think I have some fears about becoming hard and bitter. I do okay when it comes to "saying no" and being assertive. But I probably come across as "too nice" and polite. I may look like a "pushover" and "easy mark" but I'm really not. There is a hidden lion and tiger inside of me for protection. I don't usually yell and scream like my Dad used to do during his rage-attacks. But I can make "mincemeat" out of bullies through words and "head-trips" when I need to defend (and protect) myself and loved ones from abuse.
That is AMAZING...because the SAME EXACT THING HAPPENED TO ME!!! My Mother is critical, demanding, perfectionist, has major personality issues. Anyway, one would think that you would want someone opposite of that...but the thing is, you are used to being treated a certian way, and it almost made me feel uncomfortable to be with someone who was nice to me. I was not used to that feeling, it was better to be with someone who was mean, because that is what I was "wired" for...it took me years of self examination to realize that. How did I pick someone almost exactly like my Mom? Who treated me horrible? Why did I do that? Well, I am over that now.
Oh yes, I forgot to mention that "critical" business. As a matter of fact, that's something I distinctly learned from therapy--that I hear criticism even when no criticism is meant. Knowing that about myself helps a great deal. I find myself angry/hurt at things people say sometimes, initially, but then a lightbulb goes off and I have to reassess and ask myself if I am taking something said innocently in a way in which it wasn't meant. Often the answer is yes.
Ironically, since I like to write and belong to a couple of writer's groups, I now actively SEEK criticism, of the constructive type!
Jasper, I think you answered your own question. We pick what we are familiar with. As bad as it is, we know how to deal with the negative treatment we are used to. I remember my therapist once saying, "how about if you were involved with someone who took care of YOU?" I was speechless. I couldn't imagine such a scenario.
Mightyqueen..Good that you're getting over the "bad stuff" that happened in your marriage...I had a weird experience when I was married to my first husband. He had a lot of hidden insecurities and fears about being abandoned I guess. (All he had to do was be nicer and more open and attentive and no one would want to leave him...But he never figured this out.)...Anyway he tried to convince me that I had a big nose during our last years together. And in the end I believed him!...I became really self-conscious about letting people look at me from the side. I always turned my face so they would just see the front of my nose...Up until this point in life no one had ever said anything about my nose being big. Guess I got brainwashed...Later on after my husband and I had been divorced for awhile I mentioned having a big nose to a guy I was dating at the time. He said: "Are you kidding? You don't have a big nose."....I thought he was just being nice. But he argued that I didn't have a big nose. Finally he made me stand in front of a 3-way mirror and examine my nose from all sides. It took awhile but I finally got over the brainwashing about my nose....My ex tried to brainwash me about other "body parts" too. Along with insinuating that I was "crazy" and "not too bright" etc....But I "escaped" (eventually) and formed my own opinions about myself through the years. I left him behind in the "dust!" Good you left your ex behind in the "dust" too!
jasper12...Good that you can take care of the bullies in your life today. Sorry about all you went through in the past..I like to devise ways of making a bully step in his or her own "dew-dew" while I come out "smelling like a rose!" This feels good. Don't you think?
That is interesting CArizona. Because I was the same way too. I was never thin enough, smart enough, the house was not clean enough...on and on...I became anorexic, hooked on speed to maintain "perfection", worked on two Masters degrees, ended up making more money than him, and finally got enough self esteem to leave. I suggest anyone having problems in their life, consider working on a degree in Mental Health counseling, it was three years of me learning many things about human behavior, it was like therapy, for me, and very therapuetic. I consider that degree almost like a catharsis. Ironically, aside from my internship, I have never had a job counseling.
McGowdog...Why the fixation on trees?..Sorry! I can't really speak for trees. Can you? Maybe we should call a tree doctor for answers...Ran into a self-proclaimed tree doctor one time at a party. He spent the whole time talking about the care and feeding and health of trees...Everyone else was talking about football or politics or making another "beer run" etc. He stuck with trees...My husband and I decided to try our hand at singing karaoke that day. It was fun! We let everyone else talk and drink and we just "sang away."... The husband who hosted the party used to tour the country singing in city and state karaoke competitions. His wife wasn't interested in singing. She sat with the guys and drank away. The "tree guy" was her friend...We were probably the only non-drinkers at the party. (But we kept quiet about it.)...We owned a couple of gift stores at the time and "did business" with the wife once in awhile. She invited us to all her parties and barbeques and we went to one or two of them per year...Liked her! (Even though she was loud and blunt and boisterous at times.) Her husband was more laid-back and soft-spoken. He was more "our speed!"...Didn't think about taking the "tree guy's" phone number that day. Sorry! If I had it I'd pass it on to you and you could call and ask him your questions about trees.
jasper12...Sorry your ex was so critical. Good that you finally gained the confidence to leave him. I ended-up majoring in Child Development and my classes definitely helped me gain more self esteem. And the knowledge helped me with my own children...Just getting out in the world again was beneficial. Abusive relationships tend to be "closed systems." (As you know.)...My ex never did any real self-examination. He died "this way" of cancer at 51. We stayed in touch through the years. His Dad abandoned him when he was a toddler and disappeared. (And never came back.) I'm sure this led to his fear of being abandoned again. Yet he insisted he was "fine" and "okay" about losing his Dad. He would never admit that it hurt him in any way.
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