Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I have read all of your replies. Thank you to each one of you. I think I kinda figured out some of the problem, I look back too much. Like as my mom was dying her friends from church came over to pray with her and the priest. She looked at me with weak eyes and said "Honey do you want to pray with me?" I said no I don't believe in that stuff mom you know that. What a horrible , awful thing for me to say to the woman who raised me by herself and is dying. Not a day goes by that I don't think of that moment and break down crying, I should of prayed with her. Ya know then how horrible I treated my ex wife after my mom died. I was so messes up I put her through total hell, ignoring her, etc. Until she just had to get out. I messed up a lot of things in my life, can't hold a job. So yeah that's why I still feel like a monster or villain, I hurt a lot of people and its irreversible and I don't have really anyone left. So living with this guilt is like cancer, eats me up everyday.
I think a 12 step program could help you. They have programs for atheists, but if you believe in something outside yourself, substitute that. These people are all about recovery, looking forward, and forgiving themselves for past transgressions. It's helpful to have support. You don't have to have an addiction to utilize the program. I would suggest looking in the phone book, to find a meeting. Just sit in the back and listen to their stories. I'm sure you will come away feeling better for it. The 12 Steps
Thank you all. I quit my job today. I just looked around, all the punch presses, the sad faces, and told my boss bye n clocked out n went home n slept then got up n went for a long walk in the woods. I think I could have walked forever. I have no kids, bills or anything, I live with my brother so I'm pretty much free to go wherever. I'm booking a flight for mid march to CA to visit a few friends. Just gotta get out for awhile.
Thank you all. I quit my job today. I just looked around, all the punch presses, the sad faces, and told my boss bye n clocked out n went home n slept then got up n went for a long walk in the woods. I think I could have walked forever. I have no kids, bills or anything, I live with my brother so I'm pretty much free to go wherever. I'm booking a flight for mid march to CA to visit a few friends. Just gotta get out for awhile.
Good for you. You are fortunate to be so free, enjoy it.
35, male, no kids, divorced. Mom died of breast cancer in may of 09. Estranged father came into the picture back in August, I was the only of my 2 brothers to give him a 2nd chance after 20+ years, then he died suddenly of a heart attack just a month into he and I making amends. Now I'm drained. I just wanna disappear. I am beyond numb. I just don't really care anymore about anything. Seems life just keeps Getting harder and harder. I can honestly say I don't really care anymore about anything or anyone. I'm not suicidal or homicidal I don't wish harm or good on anyone. My doc n Meds are not helping. So does it make me a monster to just not give a damn anymore?
Your mind and emotions are exhausted. I think the "beyond numb" part is preparing you for a healing process. Maybe it's part of the healing process. There's only so much a person can take. Being numb is a mechanism designed to protect you from a mental breakdown.
That's my humble opinion.
Thank you :-) I think a "pack a suitcase n get away for awhile" may help me. Of course I can never escape myself no matter where I go. But maybe a far get away will be nice.
I thought possibly sharing my personal expierence with you would help.
1. Older sister died of Cancer at 32, her children where adopted my sisters ex husband and we have not been alloweed to see them in over 7 years.
2. My grandmother died without me getting to say goodbye
3. My best friend who was 38 years old passed away of a heart attack and died in her sleep. Now the son she raised since he left the hospital has his birth mother fighting to get him back while she is in jail because a judge told her she should although she has spent most of his life on drugs and in prison.
4. I am broke, unhealthy, exhausted, and over worked.......Ect, ect, ect
I only say this because I understand what it is to want to give up. I watch my son try and do it often. But you need to STOP. and take hold of your life.
Sadly people pass away, but instead of mourning there loss celebrate their life. Everytime you have a thought that could make you sad or depressed or make you want to just give up replace that one (at the time) bad thought with maybe two or three good thoughts about your life.
I dont even know you and I can think of some:
1. You woke up this morning
2. You have fingers to type with
3. You got to be apart of the lives of amazing people who meant alot to you
4. You have your freedom
5. You have access to the internet (cool)
Life is surely what we make of it, I am sure your mom & dad would not want you to give up. This is what I tell my son "Okay, your failing your classes, what are you going to do about it?"
So my question for you is "S*** happens and someone time life sucks, so what are you going to do about it?" Call your ex-wife and apologize for the way the you treated her. Stuff is going to happen some good and some bad, but it is going to be okay.
I have read all of your replies. Thank you to each one of you. I think I kinda figured out some of the problem, I look back too much. Like as my mom was dying her friends from church came over to pray with her and the priest. She looked at me with weak eyes and said "Honey do you want to pray with me?" I said no I don't believe in that stuff mom you know that. What a horrible , awful thing for me to say to the woman who raised me by herself and is dying. Not a day goes by that I don't think of that moment and break down crying, I should of prayed with her. Ya know then how horrible I treated my ex wife after my mom died. I was so messes up I put her through total hell, ignoring her, etc. Until she just had to get out. I messed up a lot of things in my life, can't hold a job. So yeah that's why I still feel like a monster or villain, I hurt a lot of people and its irreversible and I don't have really anyone left. So living with this guilt is like cancer, eats me up everyday.
Try to forgive yourself. Maybe write your mom a letter and tell her how sorry you are now and that you would give anything to have the opportunity to pray with her - speak whatever is in your heart. We all make mistakes and say and do thoughtless, stupid things (not saying what you did was that way - just thinking about myself). Forgive yourself!
If interested, look up Ho'Oponopono on YouTube. It can change you.
Allow yourself to grieve and continue reaching out to people. You will heal.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'm Getting a ticket to socal to see a friend or 2. Gotta get away.
