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HI,
Thanks for taking the time to read. I have a story I wish to share with the public about my views and beliefs for what I have witnessed over the years and how I have managed to turn things around for the positive.
First of all to begin my story I start with the younger years below 18. I moved around a few times. Lived in Salt Lake. My mom was a single mother. When I was in grade school I had an obsession with rap music. Sure I was bullied like everyone else. I never got in trouble. Being chased home by mormon kids has lasting memories that build a complexity for me I struggled with for years. Mainly I had issues of dealing with a step dad I didn't like. In this area I lived I don't remember having a single friend. But this is not my intention, maybe just to give some background as to who I am.
When I was in highschool I started out very well in grades. I went to class. Still had no friends. But halfway through my sophmore year I ended up expeling myself from school because I had problems at home when step dad started to come around after we moved away from him. I went to live with my dad who was able to get a house from a relative of his future wife and went to school now on the eastside of town. I didn't make friends there but I did manage to turn the grades around again, so I was able to graduate. Just had problems gaining acceptance to some colleges. I did manage to go to college, but by that time I was living in an empty apartment on my own with a full time job to pay rent. I was into some type of payment plan and so my best option at the time was to go into the military.
I made it through boot camp and was sent to a school on the east coast in south carolina. This is when life began to open up for me. I finally got to feel what it was like to be accepted. To have friends. To get out and drink. Yes I was under age but we were still able to slip into bars. Use someone elses ID. Drink, hang out. I had this friend that I started to hang with there that was from Detroit, MI. It had a fascination with me. We would take alot of risks. One time I went out and smoked weed for the first time with him. My roomate snitched me out to the master at arms for bringing alcohol into my room. I think they found a few bottles of beer. But when I went to captains mast I told him that I wanted to stay in the service, just before he was ready to admin sep me. I then flew up to Norfolk, VA. and spent the rest of my service as an un-designated seaman on frigate. I got out with an honorable discharge and headed back to salt lake.
When I got back I had no where to live. My dad would never allow me or my brother to live in his house. So my dad had me follow him to someone he knew that would let me stay as a roomate. So I traveled down to salt lake to work, and tried to stay out of this guys way. Until one day we started talking and got this weird look in his eye. Not only the fact that he was dressed in leather with a military hat like the ariborne special forces wear. But he said, "Do you want to go ride the rails." I didn't know what this means, I envisioned maybe something to do with a railyard. So I rode with him. Later on I'm riding shotgun in a farrari as we go all over salt lake and into park city, hanging with high roller types. Feeling like we're in some type of Brazilian mafia. But this is just a little background. Not the story. I ended up kicking the **** out of him and headed out.
I didn't have no where really to stay so I went to my Dad. He took me to the grayhound bus and bought me a ticket and gave me 50 bucks and sent me down to Las Vegas. I left not having a clue what I was going to do when I got there. I remember getting off the bus, it was morning when I arrived. I remember looking at my new city from the window. The first thing I did was look at the map. I had a knife on me and a baseball bat sticking out of my seabag. I ended up sticking to one area by fremont street. I would go behind a group of buildings there and sleep on a concrete ramp next to the desert and railroad tracks. I lived this way for many months. To eat I would walk a few miles down to this place called westward ho by circus circus to buy a dollar hotdog or shrimp cocktail and this is how I ate. I would go anywhere I could to use the restroom. But I met this guy out there living with his wife in some weekly motel that was looking for work like me. He kind of kept me safe by going with me. We would ride bikes all over searching for a job. Then once a week I would go down to this church that was there and they would feed us soup and put mats out for us to sleep on for the night. This guy once tried to talk me into riding a box car to seatle. That is way to crazy for me. After living like this for months I decided to give my dad a call. Maybe he could get me out of this hell. He sent me a bus ticket back and said he would meet me at the bus station. I said where will I live. He said maybe we could work something out.
When I got back to salt lake my dad was there when my bus came to meet me right when I got off the bus. He took me to this weekly hotel and paid a weeks worth of rent and then said I had to find a job to make the next rent. This is where the story starts.
I had a peddle bike and the thing I loved the most was to ride it. At first I used it to ride to work using the bus. Then I was riding my bike all the way straight to work. It just so happened that I rode through an area of salt lake known as rose park. I was wearing a yellow pollo shirt like the kid I knew from detriot wore. I ran into some young people that looked like maybe I could score some weed because I had a few extra dollars from what the rent cost. I went back to their pad. Then they asked me if I wanted some meth. I said sure but what we got was very little. All the hommies were outside on the yard and that but not saying anything too me. This Oriental kid rode up and yelled out the window of his car and I flipped him off. Next thing I know I'm riding with this kid to some unknown location.
When I got back to my hotel. I had half my face covered in blood with my eyeball hanging down. The girl that worked their was a true savior to me. She asked what had happened and I said I didn't need to go to the hospital and went upstairs. It wasn't until I looked into the mirror that I realized that I have to go to the hospital. She drove me their and I got stitched up. A few concussions. then I was discharged with the IV syringe still stuck in my arm. I walked over to the hotel I had a few days. Well the money I had for rent was gone. They took all of my money from my wallet. I called my mom to tell her I needed some help.
She let me come back and live with her. But then when I knew I couldn't live there. I went walking out on the street again. Visions of Vegas and everything else made me decide that maybe jail wouldn't be such a bad place. My crazy mind started thinking that everything was such a nightmare that maybe I would find somewhere to put me away. So I went into a store and robbed it. Without a gun, without an escape plan. If I got away I would have some cash, if not I would go to jail. Hell I didn't even have a vehicle.
So I went to jail and got to live with the criminals. The bangars, the people facing 15 years or more. Why? Because my crime was a first degree felony. I got to see first hand what gangs are all about. Got to go and stay at the prison for 60 days. To make them decide if I was someone that could maybe serve probation instead.
I served the probation and paid off the fines. It wasn't until later I was introduced into crack and meth. This I don't talk much about except even now almost 10 years later I still have nightmares about it. I ended up leaving salt lake out of fear and worked construction on the road for a few years. Traveling to different states. I stayed away from drugs. I learned what real work is. Most of all I learned to respect myself enough that it made lasting changes for me. Changes that won't entice me to throw it away because I've seen what the consequence is for doing it. I've seen the hell that awaits. I don't even drink alcohol or go to a local bar. Because I feel that its just some way for me to get into trouble.
The problem is that years later I have developed a strong paranoia that keeps me up at night. Maybe its from years of standing watch on a ship 30 hours at a time. Maybe its from sleeping on the street and not actually sleeping. Maybe its from jail that keep all the lights on at night. Maybe its a side effect of meth. Maybe its fear that someone will remember me from over the years and come looking for me.
Because of what I've lived and what I've been through I have major mental problems now. Problems that are only fixed with medication. The story I told doesn't include the hallucinations or delusions I have had. Maybe if I took the time to talk about those there would be more of an interesting story. It took me awhile to consider posting this, but I feel its anonymous. I don't live in salt lake city now and I don't think I could ever return. Alot of years stuck in guilt and nightmares I don't want to relive. I'm in therapy now. Trying to live a normal persons life, but alot of things I fear can never be normal.
WOW that's an amazing story. Glad you survived it and hope you can get the help you need. You were wise to stay away from SLC from all accounts. It would only feed the nightmares and addictions you've survived. Good luck to ya.
When i was reading that last part of your story i was wondering if you've ever lived truly immersed in nature.
I was thinking that finding a place to live where the natural world really holds you may be very healing.
You don't have to be totally isolated ... just enough good people here and there who aren't overly involved with the crazy world and who will let you be and accept you as you are.
I find nature to be the most healing and comforting aspect of my life and without it, i'd be lost.
Also, if you like dogs, they can be most beneficial.
So that's my hope for you ... that you find a peaceful external environment to live in so that the peace within you can be more easily accessed.
And a really good dog friend to walk with you on your path.
Thank you for your post.
It's obvious that you have a good heart.
Thanks so much for your positive feedbacks. I need so much more positive these days. I am told as advice by alot of my counselors to learn to forget the past. Its the emotions that seem to make me concentrate on it so much.
Interesting. If you have a computer, there is lots of help on You Tube, from raising your vibration to EFT to you-name-it. I have a feeling you still need to detox your body. Do you eat healthy food?
Just curious why anyone would say "sure" when offered meth. It seems like common sense that no one in their right mind would fool around with meth. I honestly don't get that . . .
As for the paranoia . . . not sure but please spend some time on You Tube watching inspirational videos and see where it takes you.
Interesting. If you have a computer, there is lots of help on You Tube, from raising your vibration to EFT to you-name-it. I have a feeling you still need to detox your body. Do you eat healthy food?
Just curious why anyone would say "sure" when offered meth. It seems like common sense that no one in their right mind would fool around with meth. I honestly don't get that . . .
As for the paranoia . . . not sure but please spend some time on You Tube watching inspirational videos and see where it takes you.
Interesting. If you have a computer, there is lots of help on You Tube, from raising your vibration to EFT to you-name-it. I have a feeling you still need to detox your body. Do you eat healthy food?
Just curious why anyone would say "sure" when offered meth. It seems like common sense that no one in their right mind would fool around with meth. I honestly don't get that . . .
As for the paranoia . . . not sure but please spend some time on You Tube watching inspirational videos and see where it takes you.
People who are on drugs already aren't likely to turn meth down. Or most other drugs for that matter. At that time the OP wasn't living a life where being clean mattered to him. He also did not have any type of support system. This makes a person vulnerable to things they may not be otherwise. A person in the wrong situation may justify or honestly, may not even care. For every billboard advertising the 30yo meth user who looks 60yo with bad teeth, there are plenty of people who have used without ill effects such as those. I used to have a neighbor who no one would have guessed she was anything but the 30 something housewife she portrayed herself as. That is, until her kids were sent to live with family while and her husband did time in prison for dealing, and using much of their own product.
I don't think saying things like ".....common sense that no one in their right mind would fool around with meth" is very helpful. The OP didn't indicate using now but even if they were, I still don't think what you've said is helpful to the OP. You don't have to "get it" but being judgmental isn't helpful. I'm sure you've made mistakes in your life that others would judge you on, we all have.
When i was reading that last part of your story i was wondering if you've ever lived truly immersed in nature.
I was thinking that finding a place to live where the natural world really holds you may be very healing.
You don't have to be totally isolated ... just enough good people here and there who aren't overly involved with the crazy world and who will let you be and accept you as you are.
I find nature to be the most healing and comforting aspect of my life and without it, i'd be lost.
Also, if you like dogs, they can be most beneficial.
So that's my hope for you ... that you find a peaceful external environment to live in so that the peace within you can be more easily accessed.
And a really good dog friend to walk with you on your path.
Thank you for your post.
It's obvious that you have a good heart.
Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious
Interesting. If you have a computer, there is lots of help on You Tube, from raising your vibration to EFT to you-name-it. I have a feeling you still need to detox your body. Do you eat healthy food?
As for the paranoia . . . not sure but please spend some time on You Tube watching inspirational videos and see where it takes you.
I agree with the two suggestions above.
Quote:
Originally Posted by paranoid
Thanks so much for your positive feedbacks. I need so much more positive these days. I am told as advice by alot of my counselors to learn to forget the past. Its the emotions that seem to make me concentrate on it so much.
Thanks for posting. Accept what was and move forward. Replace the old emotions. Don't be so hard on yourself, you're an inspiration for others.
Why don't you put this in a blog instead of on the forums?
why?
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