Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Health and Wellness > Mental Health
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 02-23-2012, 06:26 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 6,288,806 times
Reputation: 3564

Advertisements

My parents weren't this way but one of my Aunts was...She was my Mom's baby sister and my parents felt sorry for her and she became a permanent fixture in our family...I was an only child. But my Aunt kept trying to squeeze me out of the picture. (While claiming to be my best friend!)...When I grew-up and got married my Aunt favored my older son and treated my younger son like scum. (Even though he was always nice to her. He just couldn't do anything right in her eyes.) And my older son felt "used" by her. He saw through all her baloney!...My Aunt tried to cause trouble all the time. And she was an "attention hog" and boasted and bragged about herself all the time...I had to say "goodbye" and cut my Aunt out of my life when I caught her stealing money from my Dad. (He had Alzheimers at the time.)...It was hard to say "goodbye" because we had some good times together too. But I just couldn't trust her anymore...She ran to her brother for help. (My long-lost Uncle.) My Aunt drove her brother and his family "crazy" until the day she died. Sad story! But we all had peace of mind after I cut things off with my Aunt.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 02-24-2012, 06:48 AM
 
Location: Southern Illinois
10,364 posts, read 20,720,177 times
Reputation: 15642
Yikes, such sad stories. You guys are survivors.

The worst narcissist in my life was my SIL--her husband dumped her for a much younger woman about 2 years after we got married and though I was there for her, I was not there in the way she would have preferred and she was flat out vicious after that, but it was all very much on the sly, and of course if I was silly enough to point it out, she would get all hurt and pretend that it was all in my head. Yes, I think that's a favorite game of theirs.

One thing that made it harder too is that she was very good to her family--well to a brother and sister and her mother, but not so much to my husband--he was sort of left out of things. Whenever she got her little feelings hurt, and it didn't take much, the rest of the family would "circle the wagons" to keep her safe and from getting hurt anymore--didn't matter if it was just imaginary--if she said someone was bad, they believed her. Since my ex didn't play into that as much she ignored him, and by extension, me. When my ex dumped me, I breathed a big sigh of relief because I had lost sight of just how hard I was working and how much I was sacrificing to keep my marriage going and to stay sane in that environment.

Oops, I just realized that you were asking about parents but I'm not going to delete this--besides, it might help someone identify some of the characteristics.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-24-2012, 07:11 AM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
5,353 posts, read 5,768,684 times
Reputation: 6561
My Mom may or may not be a narcissist, I'm still trying to figure that out. But I do know she did a lot of damage to me growing up. She was overly critical and nothing I ever did was good enough. Fast forward a couple of decades, and this explains my communication issues with women. It wasn't safe to express myself in my house growing up. My Mother would constantly scream and discount how I was feeling. Ultimately, not knowing how to communicate as an adult cost me my marriage 3 years ago. I've worked my tail off to make sure that never happens again, and am with an incredible woman now. But its taken 43 years to get past the damage my mother caused.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-24-2012, 09:12 AM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,012 posts, read 29,612,165 times
Reputation: 11309
Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonborn View Post
I never really considered it. I ceased communication with that woman a long time ago. She was toxic for as long as I can remember and would tell me how awful my dad was after they divorced and would then tell me that I was just like him. She remarried a few years later, to the man she cheated on my dad with. They had 2 kids together, both of whom were given every advantage and were pushed to stay on at school, while I was allowed to drift and was told that I wasn't smart enough in not so many words. In the end, that marriage ended in bitter divorce, which her ex blamed on me.

Fast forward many years...we fell out, my younger brothers are obviously successful, but are both narcissists, one is a typical yuppie. I severed ties with all of them, mainly just with her. I tried the forgiveness thing, but that didn't work out. The more contact I had with her, the more the demons would plague me. I don't really feel bad about it. She would never admit to any wrongdoing or offer any explanation, but would just try to convince me that I was imagining it all and had the same upbringing as brat 1 & brat 2. I had to cut ties to save my own sanity and to close that chapter of my life.

Enough of that anyway, just thought I'd share. I've never really thought of my mother as narcissistic, but looking back, it makes a lot of sense.
I don't buy this tale.

Every man controls his own destiny. You either have it in you or you don't. You are an adult. Take ownership for your failures and quit blaming other individuals. It's unacceptable. That goes for everyone on this thread.

My father was very strict as well. I was scared of him till I crossed adolescence. In no way has it stunted my progress and my social attitudes/aptitudes. Becoz I am in total control of my life. I look back and think of my scared teen years - and it makes me chuckle - that's testimony to the kind of man I have grown into.

I have a huge family and it's full of psychopaths, backstabbers and narcissists. But they all know that I am one person not to be messed with. You allow others to make you a doormat or you don't - your choice and you control it. It's part of growing up.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-24-2012, 09:41 AM
 
663 posts, read 1,078,938 times
Reputation: 945
Quote:
Originally Posted by Currency Pair Crocodile;
I don't buy this tale.

Every man controls his own destiny. You either have it in you or you don't. You are an adult. Take ownership for your failures and quit blaming other individuals. It's unacceptable. That goes for everyone on this thread.

My father was very strict as well. I was scared of him till I crossed adolescence. In no way has it stunted my progress and my social attitudes/aptitudes. Becoz I am in total control of my life. I look back and think of my scared teen years - and it makes me chuckle - that's testimony to the kind of man I have grown into.

I have a huge family and it's full of psychopaths, backstabbers and narcissists. But they all know that I am one person not to be messed with. You allow others to make you a doormat or you don't - your choice and you control it. It's part of growing up.
I don't see any doormats here? I don't see anyone blaming others for their failures either. Hmm, maybe you posted on the wrong thread .

My mother is a nutter, plain and simple, and eventually makes everyone around her miserable because that's what narcissists do. As far as my own life is concerned, it's fine. It is because I am an adult and get to choose who I will spend time around. As a child I did not.

You really shouldn't go around telling people they are blaming others because you interpret your experience as being superior to others. Other posters are only relaying their experience with a narcissist. Nowhere in here do I see anyone blaming their current state of affairs on a narcissist. I only see the discussion of the living hell a narcissist can make of a person's childhood.

Don't hide behind your bravado and pretend it's a superior experience, you are only fooling yourself.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-24-2012, 09:44 AM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,012 posts, read 29,612,165 times
Reputation: 11309
Quote:
Originally Posted by PurePugx3 View Post
I don't see any doormats here? I don't see anyone blaming others for their failures either. Hmm, maybe you posted on the wrong thread .

My mother is a nutter, plain and simple, and eventually makes everyone around her miserable because that's what narcissists do. As far as my own life is concerned, it's fine. It is because I am an adult and get to choose who I will spend time around. As a child I did not.

You really shouldn't go around telling people they are blaming others because you interpret your experience as being superior to others. Other posters are only relaying their experience with a narcissist. Nowhere in here do I see anyone blaming their current state of affairs on a narcissist. I only see the discussion of the living hell a narcissist can make of a person's childhood.

Don't hide behind your bravado and pretend it's a superior experience, you are only fooling yourself.
You probably didn't read some responses which imply how the parent's treatment has explicitly stunted their future growth.

Nothing superior. A grown adult needs to "stop" blaming parents for personal failures. Ownership to one's own life and life's problems is largely absent in the adults of today.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-24-2012, 10:26 AM
 
5,546 posts, read 9,966,295 times
Reputation: 2799
Well, my experience has been that my mother has N tendencies I guess I'd say. IOW, she has always been catered to by everyone in the family.

She was the controller of communications between the siblings for the most part (everything seemed to go through her and still does, for the most part). Is that triangulation?

All I know is I do not have one memory in my childhood of her ever picking me up or expressing any affection. I do remember the ONE time I felt pretty and she told me to not act so "affected." I am referring to my childhood up to the age of around 10. She was overly protective though to the point of embarrassment in that I couldn't walk one block alone without her having to meet me (and this was back in the 60s so it's not like it is now where nutcases abound). So I guess she cared. I do remember the dirty looks I used to get when company was over and to this day have no idea why. I do remember her closing all the windows when we'd fight so the neighbors would not hear and I do remember her chasing me around the table with a paddle to hit me.

Then when I went to college all of a sudden it was "you can be whatever you want to be."

Now she is very old so I get the I love you's but I also get (and got just last night) the same routine that her feelings were hurt so she couldn't talk to me and we'd talk later. Well, there *are* some things more important in life than her feelings.

I've spent my entire life protecting that woman from the things I do, have done, and what I've experienced so as to not upset her. The message she sent to me when I took up smoking at 13 or 14 was "you're killing me and God, blah, blah, blah." To this day I'm still convinced if I do the wrong thing I'm going to be the cause of her death.

I don't know if this makes her a narcissist but it sure makes her a mom who has never really been there for me.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-24-2012, 11:29 AM
 
663 posts, read 1,078,938 times
Reputation: 945
Quote:
Originally Posted by Currency Pair Crocodile;
You probably didn't read some responses which imply how the parent's treatment has explicitly stunted their future growth.

Nothing superior. A grown adult needs to "stop" blaming parents for personal failures. Ownership to one's own life and life's problems is largely absent in the adults of today.
I saw posters recognizing where their issues stemmed from but followed with what they have done to work on themselves since then. Kids don't have a choice as to who they're stuck with for a parent and bad parenting can and usually does cause a whole host of problems. Some folks, such as yourself, can look back and chuckle and all is well. Not everyone is blessed with the same "ability."

There's nothing wrong with discussing a topic, even narcissism. Perhaps you don't need to discuss things and that's great. Other people need to, like to, want to, whatever it is. It doesn't mean they're blaming anyone for their current life situation. Part of being a "grown-up" is recognizing people deal with things differently than you might, even in ways you may not agree with and/or choose to do yourself.

For instance, my dad never remarried after he and my mom divorced in 1978. Her craziness did not leave him unscathed either. He was never the same person after being married to her. He had a long-term relationship with someone he even admitted, prior to passing away last fall, he should have married when he had the chance to. With which I wholeheartedly agreed. He kept himself at a distance from people to feel safe, even with me to some degree. Do I agree with what he did? No. But do I blame him? No. He coped the best way he knew how, which is all a person can do sometimes. It didn't always serve him well but sometimes it did. Because I don't think the same way he did does not give me the right to say he was wrong. It's just different.

In any case, I get around my mom's crazy behavior by staying the hell away from her. 2500+ miles makes it easy and I don't mind her absence one iota; haven't missed her for a second since she moved years ago. Other people aren't as fortunate and may, for whatever reason, have to deal with a narcissist daily. I don't envy a person stuck in that position. People cope the best way they know how.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-24-2012, 01:23 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 6,288,806 times
Reputation: 3564
"I'm over it and you should get it over it too and zip-up your mouth! No cry babies allowed in my world!"...This is how some people come across. I know they mean well and are just trying to be helpful...But they can come across as arrogant and self-righteous and condescending towards others. (And this isn't helpful at all!)...I experienced some abuse in my past and I feel that I've "healed" from a lot of it. But I know that I may still have more work to do as I go long. It's all part of a "process" to me. And what I went through gives me more empathy and compassion for other people who are trying to "heal" (in their own way) from the abuse they experienced in the past too. How about you?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-24-2012, 01:55 PM
 
5,546 posts, read 9,966,295 times
Reputation: 2799
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
"I'm over it and you should get it over it too and zip-up your mouth! No cry babies allowed in my world!"...This is how some people come across. I know they mean well and are just trying to be helpful...But they can come across as arrogant and self-righteous and condescending towards others. (And this isn't helpful at all!)...I experienced some abuse in my past and I feel that I've "healed" from a lot of it. But I know that I may still have more work to do as I go long. It's all part of a "process" to me. And what I went through gives me more empathy and compassion for other people who are trying to "heal" (in their own way) from the abuse they experienced in the past too. How about you?
I agree with everything you say here.

And it's good to be reminded that our parents probably just passed down what they experienced themselves. I do try to have compassion and empathy when dealing with my mother, but I confess I was just at the point of losing it last night and saying things I would have regretted, so I didn't and just hung up the phone (I didn't hang up on her, rather we ended the conversation. However, when she ended it I didn't say good-bye either, I just hung up the phone).

Normally I check in with her every day to see how she's doing. Well, today I just have no desire whatsoever. I learned early on that whether I was right or wrong, it was my job to smooth things over. As a child stuffing chocolate chip cookies down my throat while doing so went along with it. As an adult other bad habits took the place of the cookies. So while I've gained a great deal of "insight" and I mean that in the psychiatric usage of the word, I am afraid the damage has taken its toll.

I've read the link the OP posted and I am (or was) the scapegoat in the family and moved far away to escape it. And my oldest brother along with my other are both the golden children. I guess I could throw my sister in there too. I wanted to go see her on the one year anniversary of my dad's death to spend some time with her and because my oldest brother and I had a falling out during the time he was in hospice the first words out of her mouth were "You can't come here. You're not friends with your brother." Well, at her advanced age and the very real possibility it might mean never seeing her again, that hurt me incredibly. It also told me where I was in the pecking order. So I guess I really haven't healed all that much as the way I'm regarded hasn't changed so it's kind of hard to heal under those circumstances (at least for me).

I have to realize and accept it will NEVER be my turn when it comes to her. She has a limited amount of capacity to both empathize and deal with the difficulties I am facing (and most of my life my standard answer has been "I'm fine" whether I was falling apart or not). She has X other children who all turned out "normal" and I guess by society's definition successful, and at times I wish I could just divorce myself from all of them as we have so little in common and I don't think they'd care anyway.

I think I have not moved past the anger stage at all. At least not currently. We have a very surface relationship that consists of conversations around what are you doing and what did you have for dinner. She likes it on that level and, well, whatever.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Health and Wellness > Mental Health

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top