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If you believe your parent(s) were as abusive as the many examples mentioned in this thread, and you are a legal adult, I think cutting off communication is probably your best bet for yourself. You have to put yourself first. It is not worth risking your own mental health by going down the paths of such dysfunction.
I just learned about the existence of this term a few days ago, so I'm still in the process of absorbing information about it, but: I am pretty certain this is what both of my miserable toxic parents had, both in varying degrees of intensities in certain ways (parentification, narcissistic rage, conditional love... etc)
It's such a hard thing to describe, because there's no one clear cut thing you can point to to explain to other people "yup, this here is why I don't talk to my parents anymore".
With my parents, the parentification really started to take shape once I was speaking enough English to translate for them. As soon as I hit that age where I had enough English to translate Spanish to english for them, it was all
"Shana call the dentist to set up your braces appointment"
"Shana, call these people to see if you can order this"
"Shana you need to write down what these people said so I can understand it"
"Shana explain what this means (shows me a tax form / legal document / letter)"
Not to mention they would often be out doing whatever they wanted for hours and hours and hours, sometimes past dinner time, while I was at home with my significantly younger siblings. I remember one time one of them took a dump in my room on the floor and all I could do was avoid my room until it dried up enough that I could just push it into the garbage, because I was afraid that if I told them, they would see that as a "failure" on my part to take care of my toddler sisters: I was in 3rd grade.
I remember as a kid when they would cause me to cry for one reason or another, they would threaten to beat me if I didn't stop crying.
My mom had this inexplicable obsession with the medical profession, particularly doctors. My whole childhood, although I was very talented with writing and have now published a few successful novels in adulthood, she kept egging me on about how doctors are great and how I should become a doctor and how she would be so happy if I became a doctor and if you loved me you would become a doctor etc etc etc.
Only later on in adulthood did I learn about a certain younger brother that she had that had died of cancer while she was a teenager. I think this is what triggered her obsession with doctors, drugs, and health. But it seems to me now that she was in fact trying to live vicariously though me to support this alternate dimension where she is a doctor and her brother is alive thanks to her.
Despite all her obsession with doctors, she has no friends who are doctors nor has considered being a doctor herself.
My mom thinks she is part of an elite class of rich people, even though this is an identity that has not been true for the family in at least two generations. She maintains this viewpoint even though it prevents her from forming healthy relationships with what she refers to as "the commonfolk"
It is as if she is deaf when I try to talk to her. She doesn't demonstrate she has heard anything I tell her. Interestingly, I've been studying ASL since being forced into "reconnecting" with her, however this reconnect is me tolerating and mostly ignoring her for about half an hour a week while she comes to my apartment.
She doe not ask about how my husband is doing. We have been married for 5 years, and have dated 4 years before that. The first time I introduced him to her, she said I should break up with him because he "looks like a commoner". She's said similar things about all of the friends of mine I have shown her. As a result I do not allow her to know about any people I know.
When I finally estranged her 5 years ago, before the happiest 3 years of my life began she called me 12 to 3 times a day everyday for about a week, and then suddenly appeared at my work in a rage. I quit that job and moved soon after to be closer to a new job.
As for my father... well he was plain neglectful. I remember I went without showering for two weeks and no one at home said anything about it. I did not brush my teeth on a regular basis, nor was ever told to do so other than by the occasional school assembly.
My mom liked to pick out clothes for me to wear, even though none of the clothes she would pick for me are something I would wear. I am now 30 but my mom still shows up with clothes she bought for me, and for a while I made her return them, but now I pretend to accept them and then donate them or return them myself. These are clothes that she would like to wear if she was 30 again.
Same for food. She shows up with food that she likes to eat. I'm hardly home to eat, and I have explained this to her numerous times, but she can't hear me. This food gets thrown away at the end of the week.
At this point I feel like all I can do is hope she dies before I become infertile so I can have some kids without her meddling into their lives. If I have kids now I know my mom will use any and every excuse to come see me. I am also fine with the prospect of never having children.
Your mother and mine are like identical twins, only my mother is 2 years older. Same exact things you said your mother does, mine does. I've started calling her on her sh*t and its improved slightly. Lay down ground rules, you have to. Limit conversations to positive things and avoid letting her manipulate you or try to make you feel guilty. There's a great book for daughters of narcissistic mothers called "Will I ever be good enough?". I'm a guy and I read it. Its not as good for men to read, but it did help me figure a lot out. I think it would be perfect for you.
Yikes, my mom does this too.
Everything she said is true and if it isn't, something else is at fault "Well that's what I heard at church" or "I just know this, trust me." Lately her thing is with avoiding carbohydrates, so she's unloading loads and loads of food that is "low on carbohydrates". I have tried to inform her on the value of a balanced diet and good exercise, but she has an excuse for everything "I already take a multi-vitamin" "I can't exercise because of my knees".
She is also obsessed with focusing on the negative side of things.
The last time I saw her she was theorizing/lamenting how an old couple at church might get a divorce and how the wife won't have anywhere to go. Why doesn't she think about how happy this couple will be once they aren't trapped with each other? How can she possibly know if the wife will have no where to go?
She's projecting herself onto these other people to make me feel bad for her.
I try to pay attention to the TV when she's like this and ignore her as best as I can, because she also doesn't listen when I talk, unless I say what she wants to hear.
I have wondered about my own family members and the vicious cycles they went through as children of crazy parents. I am trying to figure out where I fit into this all. Reading this thread is making it all closer to home.
I have been searching and searching, and I don't see very much about a daughter with just a father who was a narcissistic sociopath. My Mom grew up in an abusive household, so she didn't really realize what was wrong with the family situation. But she certainly wasn't a part of the problem. She took care of us the best she could.
I am eighteen years old, and a year and a half ago he left the family for another woman. He left us in a hellish financial situation and literally moved on to another life.
He doesn't text my siblings or I, he doesn't talk to us when he's in our driveway... but when he communicates with me at some time or another, he pretends that nothing is wrong. That nothing bad has happened. That he wasn't wrong for leaving the family in such a terrible state.
It's hard to identify with being emotionally abused, I don't feel like anyone really believes me to begin with. I mean, how do you explain to someone what happened to you on the mental side of things? It all happened inside of your head and they don't have the same line of thought as I do. I grew up having no self-worth, believing that everything I "owned" belonged to him, smiling the brightest when we were out and about, and believing that the very little I was given was a gift from him. If I got five dollars from my grandmother, he immediately had a leverage to make me do something. Otherwise, he could take it away because it actually was his. (And it was probably some housework of some sort)
He made six figures, but he didn't take care of some of the most basic needs. I had holes in all of my underwear, my bra was stretched so thin I had to tie it in the back. Yet, I was still ashamed to tell him I needed a replacement. I felt as though I should have made it last longer.
What's worse it still finding that I still feel as though I have no self-worth.
I find that the sixteen and a half years worth of memories I have from before he left are all ruined. When I think about the times I considered the happiest... I see it with different eyes. He only loved me when it made him look good - if you can even call what he showed love.
It's hard not to look back on all of this and think that maybe I'm being overdramatic, that I wasn't abused. You just can't explain this type of thing to someone... especially because when no one REALLY believes you it makes it all that much worse.
I don't know what kind of answer I'm looking for. But I just want to hear something. I don't know, anything. I feel as though maybe I can hear that what I went through isn't normal. That the abuse I went through is just as bad as the physical abuse. Is that even the case? Reading about it is one thing, but having a living, breathing person actually believe me. That would mean the world.
I have been searching and searching, and I don't see very much about a daughter with just a father who was a narcissistic sociopath. My Mom grew up in an abusive household, so she didn't really realize what was wrong with the family situation. But she certainly wasn't a part of the problem. She took care of us the best she could.
I am eighteen years old, and a year and a half ago he left the family for another woman. He left us in a hellish financial situation and literally moved on to another life.
He doesn't text my siblings or I, he doesn't talk to us when he's in our driveway... but when he communicates with me at some time or another, he pretends that nothing is wrong. That nothing bad has happened. That he wasn't wrong for leaving the family in such a terrible state.
It's hard to identify with being emotionally abused, I don't feel like anyone really believes me to begin with. I mean, how do you explain to someone what happened to you on the mental side of things? It all happened inside of your head and they don't have the same line of thought as I do. I grew up having no self-worth, believing that everything I "owned" belonged to him, smiling the brightest when we were out and about, and believing that the very little I was given was a gift from him. If I got five dollars from my grandmother, he immediately had a leverage to make me do something. Otherwise, he could take it away because it actually was his. (And it was probably some housework of some sort)
He made six figures, but he didn't take care of some of the most basic needs. I had holes in all of my underwear, my bra was stretched so thin I had to tie it in the back. Yet, I was still ashamed to tell him I needed a replacement. I felt as though I should have made it last longer.
What's worse it still finding that I still feel as though I have no self-worth.
I find that the sixteen and a half years worth of memories I have from before he left are all ruined. When I think about the times I considered the happiest... I see it with different eyes. He only loved me when it made him look good - if you can even call what he showed love.
It's hard not to look back on all of this and think that maybe I'm being overdramatic, that I wasn't abused. You just can't explain this type of thing to someone... especially because when no one REALLY believes you it makes it all that much worse.
I don't know what kind of answer I'm looking for. But I just want to hear something. I don't know, anything. I feel as though maybe I can hear that what I went through isn't normal. That the abuse I went through is just as bad as the physical abuse. Is that even the case? Reading about it is one thing, but having a living, breathing person actually believe me. That would mean the world.
I don't even know...
I think seeking out therapy would be really helpful for you to process this childhood history. You might be very surprised what you find to be true in the mix.
In my experience, it seems that the baby boomer generation is narcissistic, not in the textbook definition, but in the way that they are rude in conversation by talking over you, and also they talk endlessly when you want the conversation to have ended a long time ago. And this is taking into consideration that different generations live at different paces (shawshank redemption "the world just got into a great big hurry", great quote and a good reminder to slow down sometimes, and stop and smell the roses)
I’ve read a lot this past year about narcissistic mothers – mine is one, but until recently I didn’t know enough to associate the term ‘narcissist’ or ‘psychopath’ with her behavior. To me, she was an evil creature that fooled the world into thinking she was human. She genuinely believes she is a superior being, and I am supposed to want nothing more in life than to serve her needs. I was not allowed to have needs (it was selfish), and I was an adult before I could imagine a future for myself. I have gained much understanding in the information I’ve found online, which has lessened a lifetime of pain, humiliation, and confusion; and it is a great relief to share my story with others who've been through it.
I cut my family off a few years ago. At the time, I felt I had to do it to save myself. Every word that came out of my mother’s mouth for as long as I can remember was a lie (or a twisting of a truth) designed to make her look like a noble, martyred, perfect mother and me as a selfish, weak loser who failed at everything despite her sacrifices and efforts. She took credit for every success I had, making it her own – even little things like the meals I cooked. She tried so hard to make me into that weak person – and she despised weak people. My mother never raged or physically abused me, which is why I never associated her behavior with abuse. She perfected a cold, withering contempt that could absolutely crush me. She was continually gas lighting me, to the extent that I was never sure about anything and was scared I was crazy and doing horrible things that I couldn’t remember. I believed I was as inferior and defective as she told me I was. But over the years, I became increasingly independent of her control, and made my own life – maybe not a success by most people’s values, but I’ve done OK. She responded to my independence by escalating her smears and lies to accusations that I committed criminal acts against her.
I tried to fix things and maintain a relationship – she is my mother, after all. She would not respect the boundaries I set. She was relentless in her contempt and punishment for any hint of spine that I showed. She has never in her life not gotten her way, and I do believe she would rather see me destroyed than living as a free and functioning adult (admittedly still a doormat). And I finally understand that my ‘golden child’ sibling is as much under her thumb as I ever was, but he is an adult too, and has made his choices. He is bonded with my mother in their mutual contempt for my worthless self. So they both are out of my life – should have done it decades ago. It was a hard decision to make that was a long time coming, and I’ve never regretted making it.
I don’t know what made her the way she is. I have no idea what her childhood was like. She always described it as an idyllic, perfect life that I don’t think anyone anywhere ever had. I never believed it, as we had almost no contact with my grandmother.
It's very disturbing that there seem to be so many of us on this forum and others. Is our society becoming more narcissistic as a whole, or is it just easier now to bring it out into the open? And no narcissism is not typical of a whole generation. Boomer bashing is fun and all, but it is wrong to marginalize and demonize an entire group of people just because you don't like them. It's called scapegoating.
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I have tried to inform her on the value of a balanced diet and good exercise, but she has an excuse for everything "I already take a multi-vitamin" "I can't exercise because of my knees".
