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We've had a few narcissist threads on the forum, it comes up a lot.
My mother and father are narcissists. Needless to say they are no longer married to each other but I was there until the state took me out of the home. I think he was groomed her to be as narcissistic as him, in many ways. She was very impressionable, probably already mentally ill and just picked up even more pointers from him. He also did not like her paying an attention to me. He said he was to come first in the home, then her, then me.
I've found over the years that narcissists have a pattern. They can be very nice when they want to be, to lure you into the web. Then when they have you firmly in place they strike. I have spent all of my 50 years trying to tolerate, ignore, then come back for more. It's a horrible vicious cycle. I at least now know it for what it is and distance myself a LOT. If I even think one of them is setting me up, I'm gone. I barely deal with my father now, anyway. Last time he was here was last summer and I really put my foot down when he had a 2-year-old tantrum. Both are in their 70s and I'm here to tell you that they never change.
You put it in words perfectly. I, myself, keep going back to it. My boyfriend warned me that if we stayed at her house, it was bound to go wrong. Now last night my mom threw a tantrum also over dishes not being done. Her house has to be spotless at all times. That is, unless it's her mess, then it's not a big deal. She threw her fit, then I packed all my stuff up. When it was all ready to go, THEN she felt the need to tell me she didn't want me to go. Her husband (my stepfather) got home and THAT'S when she began crying to him. I had my ear pressed up against the wall listening to everything they were saying. She said she didn't know what she did wrong, that I was leaving because she wanted me to do my dishes that I dirtied. I never once said I wouldn't do them. My daughter has had an ear infection since Monday. I've been tending to her as well as dealing with being sick too. The reason we were staying at my mom's house is because my boyfriend lost his job, we couldn't pay the propane bill, left our house, now we're foreclosing, moved back home 2 states away, transferred the kids to a new school, had to give up our dog, since my mom refused to let my dog in her home, and to top it off our van caught FIRE when my bf was on his way back to Ohio to get our things. We had the option to stay with my bf's mom, which is what he wanted to do. I knew I should have, but I thought I would try and make it work with my mom. (there i go going back to her again, vicious cycle) So all of this happened in 1 weekend and all my mom can worry about is HER house, HER precious dog which she has more compassion for than her own child and grandchildren, and HER smoking (god forbid she smoke in another room for the kid's sake), HER her her her her. It felt wrong staying there because I felt that whatever she was generous with would be held against me. If she is generous enough, that, in turn, gives her permission to do whatever, say whatever she wants without repercussion on her. So we are now staying in the cramped little 2 bedroom apartment, a total of 7 people sharing it. My bf's mom welcomes us with open arms, without hesitation, is understanding and compassionate toward us and our situation. It's bewildering when I think of the differences between her and my own mom.
Yes they are deceptive and good at it. My grandmother is the master of deception. She is easy to feel bad for because she plays it so well. But as soon as you're lured in... My grandmother (I was never allowed to call her grandma, was too informal for her) "grandmother" used money to get what she wanted. Her husband had a heart attack at age 43, and he had life insurance and military retirement. She got both of those after he died. She retired at age 50 or around that age. I was constantly bought "stuff" all the time. When I was a kid, I loved it, but I never got what I really needed and that was actual social interaction and love. She bought me and my cousin brand new laptops for Christmas once and right after she handed them to us, she threatened us not to break them cuz this was the last thing she'd ever get us then stomped away and sat down on the cough grimacing at us. Merry Christmas. For some reason, Christmas was always the most stressful time of year. I just hate them all for how they are and wish I would have had a nice happy family. But now I do have my own family. I have a wonderful baby girl and boy, and they have the best dad I could imagine. We have an excellent relationship and our days are filled with mostly laughter and jokes, rather than hatred and frowns. I just can't seem to let my mom go. What do I do? Just cut her out of my life? How does a person live like this? I am darned if I do darned if I don't. If I cut her out, I feel guilty. If I keep her part of my life, I'm constantly reminded of everything I want to forget.
My parents weren't this way but one of my Aunts was...She was my Mom's baby sister and my parents felt sorry for her and she became a permanent fixture in our family...I was an only child. But my Aunt kept trying to squeeze me out of the picture. (While claiming to be my best friend!)...When I grew-up and got married my Aunt favored my older son and treated my younger son like scum. (Even though he was always nice to her. He just couldn't do anything right in her eyes.) And my older son felt "used" by her. He saw through all her baloney!...My Aunt tried to cause trouble all the time. And she was an "attention hog" and boasted and bragged about herself all the time...I had to say "goodbye" and cut my Aunt out of my life when I caught her stealing money from my Dad. (He had Alzheimers at the time.)...It was hard to say "goodbye" because we had some good times together too. But I just couldn't trust her anymore...She ran to her brother for help. (My long-lost Uncle.) My Aunt drove her brother and his family "crazy" until the day she died. Sad story! But we all had peace of mind after I cut things off with my Aunt.
Sorry to hear about that. That must have been difficult to let her go like that. It like you can't stand how they are, but you still love them nonetheless. I have also had many good times with my mom, which is why it's so hard to hate her. I will never be able to hate her. I just feel bad for her and wish I could help her change.
The worst narcissist in my life was my SIL--her husband dumped her for a much younger woman about 2 years after we got married and though I was there for her, I was not there in the way she would have preferred and she was flat out vicious after that, but it was all very much on the sly, and of course if I was silly enough to point it out, she would get all hurt and pretend that it was all in my head. Yes, I think that's a favorite game of theirs.
One thing that made it harder too is that she was very good to her family--well to a brother and sister and her mother, but not so much to my husband--he was sort of left out of things. Whenever she got her little feelings hurt, and it didn't take much, the rest of the family would "circle the wagons" to keep her safe and from getting hurt anymore--didn't matter if it was just imaginary--if she said someone was bad, they believed her. Since my ex didn't play into that as much she ignored him, and by extension, me. When my ex dumped me, I breathed a big sigh of relief because I had lost sight of just how hard I was working and how much I was sacrificing to keep my marriage going and to stay sane in that environment.
Oops, I just realized that you were asking about parents but I'm not going to delete this--besides, it might help someone identify some of the characteristics.
No need to apologize. That was interesting. Parents or narcissistic people, all the same topic. Thank you for contributing to the post.
Every man controls his own destiny. You either have it in you or you don't. You are an adult. Take ownership for your failures and quit blaming other individuals. It's unacceptable. That goes for everyone on this thread.
My father was very strict as well. I was scared of him till I crossed adolescence. In no way has it stunted my progress and my social attitudes/aptitudes. Becoz I am in total control of my life. I look back and think of my scared teen years - and it makes me chuckle - that's testimony to the kind of man I have grown into.
I have a huge family and it's full of psychopaths, backstabbers and narcissists. But they all know that I am one person not to be messed with. You allow others to make you a doormat or you don't - your choice and you control it. It's part of growing up.
You make a valid point. People do have free will to determine what type of person they will or will not be. However, I won't deny that it's possible to be so cut off from the world that a person may be faced with a situation where they have no other option but to simply deal with the only form of a role model they can get. Children cannot raise themselves. When they get older and discover "other" ways of life, that's when they have the freedom to choose to change OR to remain the person they were raised to be. This is where it gets really complicated. It's much harder to change. Everyone is different and everyone grows at their own pace. That is good that you are in control of your life and didn't phase you whatsoever being around "psychopaths", but don't discriminate against those who don't cope as well as you do. No offense, but that kinda makes you look judgmental, arrogant, and narcissistic yourself.
I don't see any doormats here? I don't see anyone blaming others for their failures either. Hmm, maybe you posted on the wrong thread .
My mother is a nutter, plain and simple, and eventually makes everyone around her miserable because that's what narcissists do. As far as my own life is concerned, it's fine. It is because I am an adult and get to choose who I will spend time around. As a child I did not.
You really shouldn't go around telling people they are blaming others because you interpret your experience as being superior to others. Other posters are only relaying their experience with a narcissist. Nowhere in here do I see anyone blaming their current state of affairs on a narcissist. I only see the discussion of the living hell a narcissist can make of a person's childhood.
Don't hide behind your bravado and pretend it's a superior experience, you are only fooling yourself.
I'm new to the forum and wasn't sure if I should post the whole thing because it is incredibly long. I found this a few years ago when I was trying to figure out what my adoptive mother's problem was. I read this, and it was like all of the air was sucked out of my body and then used to slap me in the face. Holy crap. It described her perfectly.
Great site. Thanks for sharing. That's how I felt when I saw the one I put on here. Someone finally put it in words.
I'm new to the forum and wasn't sure if I should post the whole thing because it is incredibly long. I found this a few years ago when I was trying to figure out what my adoptive mother's problem was. I read this, and it was like all of the air was sucked out of my body and then used to slap me in the face. Holy crap. It described her perfectly.
I have now and thank you!
Quote:
Originally Posted by kiwifruit2
For some reason, Christmas was always the most stressful time of year. I just hate them all for how they are and wish I would have had a nice happy family. But now I do have my own family. I have a wonderful baby girl and boy, and they have the best dad I could imagine. We have an excellent relationship and our days are filled with mostly laughter and jokes, rather than hatred and frowns.
I'm convinced that narcissists hate holidays where they have to give things to other people because well, they have to give things to other people. I mean if your world revolves around YOU why the heck would you want to participate in something that is suppose to never be about YOU?
I'm glad that you now have a wonderful family of your own. It wasn't until I had one that I could truly experience the happiness and wonder of holidays.
Quote:
I just can't seem to let my mom go. What do I do? Just cut her out of my life? How does a person live like this? I am darned if I do darned if I don't. If I cut her out, I feel guilty. If I keep her part of my life, I'm constantly reminded of everything I want to forget.
The way I handle it is I call my parents when it makes me feel good about it. When it no longer feels good, I back off for awhile. It works out too, because narcissists resent and despise people that are nice to them too much.
[SIZE=3]"As a last resort she goes pathetic. When she's confronted with unavoidable consequences for her own bad behavior, including your anger, she will melt into a soggy puddle of weepy helplessness. It's all her fault. She can't do anything right. She feels so bad. What she doesn't do: own the responsibility for her bad conduct and make it right. Instead, as always, it's all about her, and her helpless self-pitying weepiness dumps the responsibility for her consequences AND for her unhappiness about it on you. As so often with narcissists, it is also a manipulative behavior. If you fail to excuse her bad behavior and make her feel better, YOU are the bad person for being cold, heartless and unfeeling when your poor mother feels so awful"
THIS is a perfect description of my mother last night. She had no other alternative but to play victim. It works every time.
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[SIZE=3]She makes you look crazy. If you try to confront her about something she's done, she'll tell you that you have "a very vivid imagination" (this is a phrase commonly used by abusers of all sorts to invalidate your experience of their abuse) that you don't know what you're talking about, or that she has no idea what you're talking about. She will claim not to remember even very memorable events, flatly denying they ever happened, nor will she ever acknowledge any possibility that she might have forgotten. This is an extremely aggressive and exceptionally infuriating tactic called "gaslighting," common to abusers of all kinds. Your perceptions of reality are continually undermined so that you end up without any confidence in your intuition, your memory or your powers of reasoning. This makes you a much better victim for the abuser.
Narcissists gaslight routinely. The narcissist will either insinuate or will tell you outright that you're unstable, otherwise you wouldn't believe such ridiculous things or be so uncooperative. You're oversensitive. You're imagining things. You're hysterical. You're completely unreasonable. You're over-reacting, like you always do. She'll talk to you when you've calmed down and aren't so irrational. She may even characterize you as being neurotic or psychotic.
Once she's constructed these fantasies of your emotional pathologies, she'll tell others about them, as always, presenting her smears as expressions of concern and declaring her own helpless victimhood. She didn't do anything. She has no idea why you're so irrationally angry with her. You've hurt her terribly. She thinks you may need psychotherapy. She loves you very much and would do anything to make you happy, but she just doesn't know what to do. You keep pushing her away when all she wants to do is help you.
She has simultaneously absolved herself of any responsibility for your obvious antipathy towards her, implied that it's something fundamentally wrong with you that makes you angry with her, and undermined your credibility with her listeners. She plays the role of the doting mother so perfectly that no one will believe you.
OMG OMG OMG! SOOOoooo her. This is the story of my entire upbringing. Not my life. I won't let that happen.
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