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I call this the "tyranny of choice"--I have it too, it really sucks. I bounce from 1 place to another, something bad happens, I leave, then I regret the leaving and wish to go back. Did that a few times, now I'm almost stuck here, had a big medical emergency, my brain was literally rewired, and it totally changed the way I think. It amplified all the problems I had before. I cannot make a decision for the life of me. I go around in circles about things, finally make a decision, then something will gobsmack me out of nowhere and I'm back to square one.
I heard something on the radio (maybe on NPR) about a mental health study done with college students who have so many options about jobs, careers, goals, etc, which would be great, right? But they had so many choices, that they couldn't decide and ended up doing like you and I are doing, just going around in circles. I have no answers, I am in circle 1,245 right now and can't get out. It hurts my head. I'm also thinking about moving to LA, but it was such a general clusterf*** six years ago when I last lived there (although I did have some great times, it was fraught with disaster and now I wouldn't have a car...), I can only imagine it being worse now. I would suggest not moving to LA unless you are prepared to struggle for it, but maybe the struggle is worth it?? Now entering circle # 1,246...
Coolhand68 and imcurious have in my opinion given you the best advice, perhaps because they also gave you no geographical directions.
Every place you pick is simply a fresh hell. Everyone feels pain, suffers, etc. Why not just hunker down right where you are in the middle of your present hell and try to figure that out, instead of moving to a fresh hell?
I cannot imagine that it will be a piece of cake for you to do, but will what looks like the next in a series of fresh hells be a piece of cake?
At this time, you best bet is to forget about what you want for a career or where you want to live. Just concentrate on getting a paycheck this week. And next week, and the next. At some point, trust me, it will become clearer and you will be able to make a GOOD decision.
Trying to make yourself "make a decision" now, is really a bad way of going about things. One week at a time. Forget that you had a bad day today. That happens everywhere in any job.
Very, very few people get the perfect job in the perfect place. It's unlikely that you would be one of them. It doesn't hurt to hope, but in the meantime...just think about this week.
Wow, I am very thankful for all of the humorous and insightful comments here. I would like a self-help group to get a grip and figure out what the heck is going on. It's getting embarrassing with friends too. Thanks again to all of you who posted here.
At this time, you best bet is to forget about what you want for a career or where you want to live. Just concentrate on getting a paycheck this week. And next week, and the next. At some point, trust me, it will become clearer and you will be able to make a GOOD decision.
Trying to make yourself "make a decision" now, is really a bad way of going about things. One week at a time. Forget that you had a bad day today. That happens everywhere in any job.
Very, very few people get the perfect job in the perfect place. It's unlikely that you would be one of them. It doesn't hurt to hope, but in the meantime...just think about this week.
Yes good points.
And making decisions when in a state of confusion and especially fear is not a good idea because the decision (if one is even able to come to one) will most likely be a reactive one and not one that is coming from a deeper knowing within yourself.
Sometimes the only approach to life, as painful and as full as drudgery as it may be, is to simply put one foot in front of the other, take care of only what is necessary and patiently wait for inner guidance and/or cues from without.
Easier said than done however but do your best.
Also, i don't know how old you are but if you continue to stay in what i call an adrenal state (as in totally stressed out / fight or flight) it will take a huge toll on your body.
So, do the best that you can to put all of your effort into calming yourself and taking care of your life as it is now on the practical level.
And that includes taking care of your physical health particularly if you're in a constant state of stress and confusion.
(that confusion by the way is probably a direct result of the stress and then you get more stressed because of the confusion and it just keeps cycling and it's a lousy and depleting syndrome to be caught in).
I suggest eating a really balanced diet with lots of whole foods / nutrient dense foods and avoid, as much as possible, sugar, caffeine and other stimulants.
Getting just the right amount of exercise (not too much if your adrenals are fatigued which i imagine they are) can be extremely helpful for both stress and head-clearing and of course getting sufficient sleep is really important.
Drink teas that are calming like chamomile and other stress reducing herbal teas.
And avoid drama if you tend to create that in your life.
And any meditation / yoga / chi qong, etc. practice that helps to bring some degree of peace and calm to your body and your entire energetic system can be extremely helpful. And a daily discipline like that can bring some structure to a chaotic life and that, in and of itself, is really helpful.
Finally, while it is true that, "no matter where you go, there you are", it's also true that the right outer environment is very important to people to greater and lesser degrees.
I have a couple of friends who could live anywhere and in any fashion.
I on the other hand am extremely sensitive and greatly effected by my outer environment.
But until you get your system more balanced and deal with whatever it is that you may be trying to run away from (fight or flight / adrenal state, confusion / freak out, etc. seem to indicate that you're doing that) there's a good chance that you won't find that place and job that you're longing for.
If your system is in constant turmoil and you're mental state is deranged, you're not going to be able to see straight and major decisions that you make may just make things worse.
So try and settle down and calm yourself as much as possible in each moment.
And breathe!!! Deeply.
That's my take on it and my advice and i'm speaking from experience. *sigh*
Yes good points.
And making decisions when in a state of confusion and especially fear is not a good idea because the decision (if one is even able to come to one) will most likely be a reactive one and not one that is coming from a deeper knowing within yourself.
Sometimes the only approach to life, as painful and as full as drudgery as it may be, is to simply put one foot in front of the other, take care of only what is necessary and patiently wait for inner guidance and/or cues from without.
Easier said than done however but do your best.
Also, i don't know how old you are but if you continue to stay in what i call an adrenal state (as in totally stressed out / fight or flight) it will take a huge toll on your body.
So, do the best that you can to put all of your effort into calming yourself and taking care of your life as it is now on the practical level.
And that includes taking care of your physical health particularly if you're in a constant state of stress and confusion.
(that confusion by the way is probably a direct result of the stress and then you get more stressed because of the confusion and it just keeps cycling and it's a lousy and depleting syndrome to be caught in).
I suggest eating a really balanced diet with lots of whole foods / nutrient dense foods and avoid, as much as possible, sugar, caffeine and other stimulants.
Getting just the right amount of exercise (not too much if your adrenals are fatigued which i imagine they are) can be extremely helpful for both stress and head-clearing and of course getting sufficient sleep is really important.
Drink teas that are calming like chamomile and other stress reducing herbal teas.
And avoid drama if you tend to create that in your life.
And any meditation / yoga / chi qong, etc. practice that helps to bring some degree of peace and calm to your body and your entire energetic system can be extremely helpful. And a daily discipline like that can bring some structure to a chaotic life and that, in and of itself, is really helpful.
Finally, while it is true that, "no matter where you go, there you are", it's also true that the right outer environment is very important to people to greater and lesser degrees.
I have a couple of friends who could live anywhere and in any fashion.
I on the other hand am extremely sensitive and greatly effected by my outer environment.
But until you get your system more balanced and deal with whatever it is that you may be trying to run away from (fight or flight / adrenal state, confusion / freak out, etc. seem to indicate that you're doing that) there's a good chance that you won't find that place and job that you're longing for.
If your system is in constant turmoil and you're mental state is deranged, you're not going to be able to see straight and major decisions that you make may just make things worse.
So try and settle down and calm yourself as much as possible in each moment.
And breathe!!! Deeply.
That's my take on it and my advice and i'm speaking from experience. *sigh*
All excellent points, thank you for the advice. Although I do believe a big part of this stress/depression is the vibe of this horrible city. I've been in funks before, but living HERE seems to have exacerbated everything. I know I have some things to sort out, but relocating to more of a liberal-minded city is a must. Thanks again for the advice!
All excellent points, thank you for the advice. Although I do believe a big part of this stress/depression is the vibe of this horrible city. I've been in funks before, but living HERE seems to have exacerbated everything. I know I have some things to sort out, but relocating to more of a liberal-minded city is a must. Thanks again for the advice!
I certainly am one who needs to be in liberal, open and tolerant communities.
And, like i said, my home and the outer environment hugely impact my sense of well being (or lack of it).
I think the "trick" (or one of them) is to use the challenge of being in a less than ideal environment as a way to become more clear about who you are and what you essentially value.
When it's time / when you're ready to make a move you may want to consider California coastal communities but ones quite a bit north of L.A..
I'm of the opinion that L.A. (and much of SoCal) is not so conducive to good balance / mental health.
But i am admittedly quite biased.
I certainly am one who needs to be in liberal, open and tolerant communities.
And, like i said, my home and the outer environment hugely impact my sense of well being (or lack of it).
I think the "trick" (or one of them) is to use the challenge of being in a less than ideal environment as a way to become more clear about who you are and what you essentially value.
When it's time / when you're ready to make a move you may want to consider California coastal communities but ones quite a bit north of L.A..
I'm of the opinion that L.A. (and much of SoCal) is not so conducive to good balance / mental health.
But i am admittedly quite biased.
I also prefer being around liberals and I live in Missouri. Trick is, you can find pockets of like-minded people wherever you go and I do find them lots of places--gosh I've lived in the bible belt and found plenty of likeminded people--it helps that I'm a Christian but I'm a liberal one. Yes they do exist, lol, they're just not all that loud.
I'm saying this b/c I don't want the OP to despair if she can't move right now. I love what you said here Jaijai, about clarifying values while in a less than ideal community. You build yourself by bouncing off other people and some of those people are folks you don't necessarily share values with.
Never in my life have I had such a difficult time deciding what to do with my life. I will make a decision, then talk myself out of it. It started when I relocated to Las Vegas in 2008. I had a fun job and then was laid off. Economy crashed BAD out there and I couldn't find work. I returned to live with my parents, in Denver. Tried to swallow my pride, but got into a deep depression that I feel I'm still in.
I never was happy in Denver and was thrilled with the idea of moving to Orlando with my boyfriend. In FL, I had a health emergency and had to go to the ER. Next day, he breaks up with me. So, I pack up and head to Dallas, where I was originally going to relocate. I had a nervous breakdown in the fall from the stress of everything: car tire blowout on the freeway, relocating to a new city, another ER visit for a surprise symptom, starting a new stressful job, commuting two hours daily in traffic and having friendships fall apart.
Dallas has been one big nightmare. I had "friends" telling me the economy in Vegas has gotten somewhat better since I left and that I ought to come back out. I also contacted my former company and my manager told me he would definitely help me find a job.
I left Dallas for Vegas in January of this year. When I got out there, Vegas was Vegas. My manager hit on me and held jobs over my head. When I tactfully told him no, he was a jerk. I went on countless interviews and did not land a job. I also feel differently about Vegas than I once did. Through my 30-something eyes, I want more quality and less sketchy people than what I found.
I returned to Dallas to live with my mom. I got a job to restore funds lost in the Vegas move. I was planning to relocate out of this hell as soon as I had the funds. I was laid off before I reached my financial goals. But thanks to the advice on here, it's enough for me to make a run for it again, but I am so confused.
1.) I have an option to live with an acquaintance in LA. But he has two big dogs that shed all over and I have allergies. However, I'd really like the opportunity to experience LA.
2.) I was hired back at my old company in Denver. Although, I hate Denver and never want to live there again.
3.) I'm considering Scottsdale. I decide it's Scottsdale, then I will talk myself out of it.
This type of thinking makes my head spin and I seriously feel like I am going crazy. I can't decide where to live anymore and had a panic attack today. This is an insane way to think and live. I've tried reading self-help books on making a "no-lose" decision. Then my friends send me text messages making sure I have the funds to move to LA and how he knows a lot of people who've "crashed and burned" out there. This leads me to doubt and the cycle continues....HELP!
You need to give yourself permission to just idle for awhile. Can you just stay w/ your Mom, work and just live life for awhile w/out focusing on a relocation? You need to get some professional help, counseling or go to a medical Doctor to rule out any medical reasons that you are so stressed. Personally I think you are over doing the relocation thing. If you were My Daughter/Son I would say.....just be still. Like that old Eagles song...Learn to be still. I used to be that hyper, I now have heart problems, in part because of the constant adrenaline surges I probably had for over ten years....Worst part were mine were all related to my adult children and their problems. Please, listen to an older Lady tell you.... just try to tread water, no moves, no job changes, no new relationships.....just do "Same old Same old" for at least several months..give yourself a break. Stay in touch w/ friends...go do things w/ friends, but drop all things that stress you out that you have some control over i.e. the work friend that complains and uses you for a sounding board everyday. Do this for yourself. Get some good books on self help, start reading. Be in bed nearly every night by 10-11. Get up early....calmly wake up w/ tea, some poetry reading...watch the sunrise....make yourself follow a calmer routine everyday. Take your lunch, take healthy foods...if there is a safe quiet park near where you work, sit there and eat....watch the birds, feed the squirrels.. Do this everyday, Take long hot baths at night just before bed, listen to calm peaceful music....I personally love the oriental type mood cd's, or pacabel...You will be surprised how just some mood music, treating yourself to tea, sitting quietly little peaceful pleasures can heal your inner being....Be good to yourself...give yourself a vacation from the stresses you've described. Say affirmations out loud to yourself in front of the mirror..."I am a good and intelligent person". "I can do great things".....there are tons of websites for affirmations. http://www.vitalaffirmations.com/http://www.best-self-help-sites.com/affirmations.html
Do these things.....pick out the ones comfortable for you...add more as you feel like it. But start tomorrow. Update as you have time.
Last edited by JanND; 03-30-2012 at 08:51 PM..
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Trick is, you can find pockets of like-minded people wherever you go and I do find them lots of places--gosh I've lived in the bible belt and found plenty of likeminded people--it helps that I'm a Christian but I'm a liberal one. Yes they do exist, lol, they're just not all that loud. 
