When it comes to apologizing... (take, long, get, eat)
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gigimac...Thanks! I really enjoyed and appreciated what you said in your post!...I don't want to "pretend" to "be perfect" all the time! This is too much of a burden!. Don't you think?...I am an "apologizer." It keeps me modest and humble. And I like to say "please" and "thank you" (too) so I always have a sense of boundaries when it comes to "who" is doing "what" for me! Someone else's "arms" or "ideas" belong to them not to me!...And I'm big on accountability (as you mentioned too.)...Anyway thanks for all you wrote!
Great posts! Thanks...I've had people say they were "sorry" in a snide way. (With very few words and a lot of hostility!)...It's as if they are saying: "You pushed me in a corner and forced me to apologize. But you're not going to get very much out of me!"...These type of apologies seem childish and vindictive to me and just make things worse. (The silly "war" keeps going on!)...It's nice to be around "grown-ups" who truly care about others. Don't you think?
I believe the main reason people don't want to say they are sorry is that then they would have to admit that they are wrong. That's the core of the problem. Most people don't really think they are ever wrong. Or at least they will not admit to themselves or others they are wrong.
I know so many people that are "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong or Little Mr. Can't Be Wrong". I try to stay away from the "know it alls".
1717Guy...Thanks for your post. I agree with you. It is hard for some people to admit that they are ever wrong...On the other hand I've been around a few people who seemed to make nearly everything that I did "wrong" as a "control tactic" or ?? (As a way to erode my self-confidence and keep me "down" or ??) ..It's sad when insecure parents act this way with their kids and become "hyper-critical." Maybe some of the people who are afraid to admit they are wrong grew-up with parents like this. Or they were with partners who criticized them about most everything...What do you think? I'm glad that I can admit when I'm wrong. As I mentioned in an earlier post it's a burden to have to "pretend" to be "perfect" all the time. YUK!!
I hate apologizing for little things. An apology means too much to me to apologize for stupid stuff. I let the stupid stuff go and focus on the important apologies. I will apologize if I was wrong and hurt someone in some way, but if it was a mistake and not much was lost, I'll leave it alone.
I found it interesting that TIJLOVER'S post said this one person he knows apologizes constantly and this is annoying. And so I have to wonder, who is this person apologizing to? Perhaps someone has been roughing him up unnecessarily!
I think this can be a personality trait, probably related to low self-esteem. Someone I know is like this. She apologizes if she sneezes...if she says 'hello' out of turn...if she brushes past you while walking...if she can't decide where to eat...
It really is incredibly grating and makes me not want to spend time with her. It comes across as very insincere really.
I'm usually good with apologies, though sometimes I have no trouble admitting that I made a mistake. My mother, however, is terrible with apologies. She has mental issues and brushes everything off as 'not my fault', "I was stressed", "I wasn't in my right mind". Which may well be true, but it makes me very resentful and leaves me feeling disrespected.
For example, last year I was away on a trip for a few days. She called on the last day (as we were preparing to board the train home) to tell me there had been an accident. She then refused to tell me what happened for a good 15 minutes to the point I was hysterically yelling into the phone because I thought someone died. She eventually did tell me the details and the accident was not something that deserved that level of drama. I was so stressed out (and exhausted from the trip) that I spent the ride home on the verge of tears.
To this day she refuses to apology for this. She was 'stressed' so 'it wasn't her fault'. And anyway, would I prefer that she didn't tell me if someone was in an accident? She refuses to listen to me when I explain it was the overly dramatic manner in which I was told, not so much the telling itself.
This type of thing is pretty common with her and a heartfelt real apology would go a long way toward making me feel like she acknowledges how her actions affect me.
ParallelJJCat...Sorry your Mom kept you in the "dark" when it came to discussing details about the accident when you were about to board the train...I tend to view this as a form of passive-aggressive behavior but ?? What do you think?...This kind of "stuff" has happened to me. My husband and I would be on vacation or doing something else that was important to us. (Like promoting a gift-show or attending a seminar or convention etc.) ...Anyway we had a couple of relatives who would call us while we were away with a "problem." It would all be dumped on our "laps" even though we were out of town. And of course it put a "damper" on our trip...These relatives were probably jealous of us. It took me a long time to face reality about it. And they wanted to be in "control" and keep us on their "leash."...My husband handled it better than I did. (Most of the time anyway.) I was the one who had a "bleeding heart." And the one who was easily "guilt-tripped."...I'm a little different today. (Not completely "cured" but better.) I live alone now since my husband passed-away. Don't get many phone calls or visits...So any phone call I do get today "stands out" and is subject to a little "scrutiny." Who is calling and why? What do they want?...Most calls are friendly and "welcomed." But every now and then I get a "help me, help me" kind of call. I'm caring...But I'm not really "Mother Theresa" or "St. Jude" with a "quick-fix" for everyones' problems either!..I "care" but I don't want to be the "recipient" of anyone's "wild" and "erratic" and "out-of-control" and "unfiltered and unprocessed" emotions either!..I feel that I deserve a certain amount of respect and consideration. And I "say so" today!!
a) People who apologize constantly and for every little thing .
They are extremely insecure and feel everything is "their" fault. They often are "pleasers" and children of very critical parents. They require patience, encouragement and reassurance. Some are able to get out of their shell with age
b) People who NEVER apologize.
For them an apology is the hardest thing to do. They know they are wrong, but they will never admit it out loud. They may think it's their ego that doesn't let them apologize, but in reality it is their insecurity
c) People who apologize when mistake is made.
It takes a strong person to admit they've made a mistake and to apologize sincerely. Learn from it and move on. No need to dwell or over-analyze it.
Healthy ego allows such falls from pedestal
I enjoy being "old-fashioned" when it comes to manners and showing respect for others...If I "step" on someone's "toes" (in any way) I feel I owe the person an apology...It's all about having "boundaries" to me. Where do I "start" and "end?" Where do other people "begin?" Everyone is "not me!" We're all separate and distinct individuals in our own "right."...I don't want to allow myself to think about other people as "things" or "nothings" who don't "matter."...We all "matter" and we all have feelings and "rights!"...I don't "own" the "world" and everyone in it! I always try to remind myself that I'm just "one" of "many!" And my actions affect other people in positive or negative ways...We all have to "share space" together. Very few people live on a far-off (and isolated) island all by themselves!...Anyway I enjoy treating other people with respect and dignity! It makes me "feel good!"...If I run into people who don't seem to respect my "boundaries" or people who seem to "get-off" on treating me like a "nothing" (who doesn't "matter" at all) I let them know that I "exist." And I let them know that I have "rights." They are not "really me!" I'm a person in my "own right" who is entitled to my own thoughts and feelings and some "safe space" around me!
It seems like a lot of people have trouble apologizing because they don't want to admit to ever making any mistakes. (Or admit to being "less than perfect" etc.)...How do you feel about it? Has it been easy (or hard) for you to apologize to people in your life?...Do people "owe you" an apology that never seems to come or materialize?
I actually have the opposite problem. I apologize too much.
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