Spoiler alert
this is long. but i hope you will bare with me.
My Mother passed away a month ago.
before her death, we have BOTH prided ourselves for being to where we have been the past 10 years, despite a rocky path. my mom didn't raise me . My Grandma did since I was 5. i was sent to live with her becasue my mom's boyfriend was sexually, emotionaly, and physically abusive. I had no contact with mom for years. After grandma died, my mom called and we talked for about 3 hours. I had so many questions some unanswered like why she stayed with him and got rid of me. I forgave her. We had a WONDERFUL relationship after that. Traveled together. ( i was so proud to pay for my mom's plane ticket
) she visited me when I lived 4 hours away in another city . It was great.
A wrench was thrown in years ago, after so many years of happiness when a half sister was extremely verbally abusive to my mom, and was physically abusive to my child. my daughter was 3 yrs old, and was shy and didn't want to say MORE than "hi" to my sister.. She smacked my daughter's finger ( hard) out of her mouth ( my daughter was always afraid of her) and told her "YOU CAN'T SAY MORE THAN HI!??!!" and after I told my sister i would never let her near my daughter again!! I don't have a violent bone in my body, but felt like a tigress about to leap on her for hitting my baby for NO valid reason. I became so confused when my my said to ME ( i won't type my name )
" OH so and so "___my name" like i was wrong for defending my child.. like i started the mess. i was so confused and hurt. my mom became angry at ME and NOT angry at my mean sister for hitting a shy 3 yr old. mom told family members I started trouble ???? why ! because i called my sister out?? mom never mentioned to them what my sister did or said. ???? i forgave mom for that.
same sister was extremely verbally abusive my mom last year- I defended my mom- I had enough!.Now this sister is the daughter, of my step father who abused me and my mom. i think his daughter took on his abusive traits.
That day,I felt soo bad for my mom. she was silent as my sister was berating and humiliating her. My mother saying nothing. I spoke up and asked my sister (kindly) to "PLEASE not talk to our mother that way" My sister cursed me out, and verbally attacked me in a way you would not imagine. I spoke up to my half sister and said "I am done!! I AM DONE !!"
AGAIN my mother said "Oh ----my name" again i was confused and upset that i once again was the bad guy. while my half sisters abuse went un noticed and ignored..
i said something I now regret I blurted out to my mom "i wish you never had me!" honestly i DID mean it. even though i was in therapy - it was way too painful to deal with my mom and my sister. once again, rather than recognizing my sister's abuse ( just as she did my stepfather and getting rid of me and staying with him) here we go again with my sister. i went into a deep depression.
Fast forward about 4 months of silence after that on both ends. I called my mom or she called me, and we never spoke of that incident. but once again things were GREAT ! She spent that Christmas with me and my daughter. we played nintendo Wii, ate well, laughed constanly, and just had THE BEST time. my mom enjoyed herself so well. she kept asking if she could stay another night AFTER ONLY coming to stay one night. She stayed 7 nights !! a whole week. i took her for drs. vists. for groceries, her colonoscopy. We hung out and spoke regurarly.
Now I mention ALL of this ( forgive me ) to get to my point.
After taking my mom to get her colonoscopy in early November. I never saw my Mom again. OH NO! neither of us did nothing wrong! but i suffer from SEVER depression. to the point where I am sometimes in BED all day. then pretend to be sane when my kid comes home
i also have a physical ailment which at times limits my travel, i also was not allowed to drive my car, which died a month later. but my mom and i still talked. i called har. maybe twice a week. depression ruling my soul. i loved her. And was determined to see her in february. had plans ironically the morning she passed away to send her flowers every week as a secret admirer. then reveal myself mother's day !
but she died in mid february. I got to her soon that day.. she had emphysema, but was doing okay. but it progressed, ( my other older half sister who didn't like that my and i got along despite the abuse of that sister and i ) she never told me nor called me when she died) my nephew called me. if i had known things had progressed ( my mom never mentioned it), i WOULD have taken my vomiting, and other secretions ( i'll spare you) and not care about my physical and emotional pain and ask anyone to take me.. mom was unconscious and dying. - but I told mom over and over again after i loved her. kissed her over and over. and held her & stroked her hair in the hospital.
********************MY DILEMA IS: NOW. My aunt ( my mom's sister) has spread nasty rumors and gossip that has circulated like WILDFIRE TO ALL MY MOM'S brother's and sister's. some out of town. and also my mom's friends who i know and they know me.. gossip is "she never even went to SEE her Mom for months !! " made it sound like I NEVER DID! and the ones who knew I had taken mom for colonoscopy in novemeber she let them know "SHE NEVER CAME TO SEE HER AFTER THAT!"
I feel this is a nasty vicious rumor /gossip to spread not only about a family member but to involve soooo many people. I feel like i wear a scarlett letter. some of my family is now cold to me. some of my mom's friends saying how horrible i am. i mention our rocky past because those people will NEVER know the extent of how i tried and forgave and how my momwas so good to me and bond me and my mother had despite my horrible childhood and the bad times.. even some relatives didn't know how we had traveled and spent christmas together. that i had done a lot for her. and her for me. After i explain my reason ?depression & physical ailmants, some understand. MOST don't
I already feel guilty for NOT seeing my mom. she lived ONLY about 15 miles away ! I WAS NOT angry with her AT ALL, nor her with me. I was just really going through a REALLY BAD time. now i feel soooo guilty!
it is detroying me! I keep hearing my aunt say ( she never denied it) "SHE NEVER WENT TO SEE HER MOM" meaning NOW she is DEAD!. you cannot imagine how THAT has also destroyed me.
**** ***********
the guilt, sadness and shame from my aunts words for some reason on top of my continued guilt - for some reason is DESTROYING emotionaly TONGHT.
honestly, if i didn't have my daughter, i WOULD take mysef out of this pain. it hurts so bad. i can't stop crying as i write this. i had planned on moving with my daughter. what am i here for FAMILY !?? although i have THE BEST circle of friends !!
i will have enough saved in june. but folks, i can tell you even though i feel like ending my life. i will not because THAT would destroy my child. i am in therapy. which helps so much. but tonight is still and quiet, and i feel "THIS is my family??" i really want to leave MAY 1st. i know. hold on on one month. if i could leave the end of the month i would. i am almost finished packing. i don't have enough money saved. but will by june 1st. I WANT TO LEAVE TOMOROW. when i lived away from here my life was beautiful and happy. after cancer i returned to homtown. wanted to be with family
i beat caner. but now feel. so trapped.
PLEASE someone HELP me to find peace. i need some thoughts from others.
do you know what it is like to want and NEED to leave family/friend/spoues/signifigant other -- yet CANNOT LEAVE because you don't have enough MONEY !!??
??!!
thank you! and i am sorry for the length. i just wanted you to know the other layers.
HELP !!
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