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I did check myself on the use of the word we, if you read my post again. I am not offended by the OP. I just honestly believe that for the OP's sake, as well as the depressed person, it would be better to not associate.
The last thing I'd ever want would be to think someone was just looking for an exit door from a conversation with me. I would rather talk to myself.
I can't say I identify with those who want others to feel sorry for them. If you ask me, my life is a lot better than those in war torn countries and I never forget it. Still, hating my life doesn't feel good. I hate my life for many reasons. Part of it has to do with the choices I've made. Part of it has to do with the people I've known. Part of it has to do with being cursed with not the best genes when it comes to mental health. I know others who have other crosses to bear - physical disease for example. I know that were I to have that dumped on my plate it would push me over the edge.
If a person is capable of doing so, I really liked linicx's idea of just saying "I know. Want to get coffee? My treat." If not, I think it best to just cut ties.
I have lost quite a few people in the past couple of years. It is very painful. It wasn't about my depression, rather them not believing me about a situation I was dealing with. So much for all that support you are supposed to seek out when in certain tough spots. Heck, I lived in fear too much to even feel depressed. These were people I'd know for YEARS. So now they are gone and I'm alone and it's hard. But I'd still take this over being around someone who did not want to be around me.
Oh, so sorry you were experiencing troubles. Well I have to go now.
There are so many ways to "say things." I don't want to be blunt or mean or "hurtful" if I can avoid it..Of course if someone is coming after me with a butcher knife or gun I might not sitand think about how I can be "diplomatic!" (But who knows?)...One time I was almost raped. The man was a lot bigger than me and my "resistance" wasn't working. So I asked the man if he was married and talked about his wife and kids and portayed myself as a "daughter" too etc...Obviously I was just lucky because this man had somewhat of a conscience and some "feelings." I'm sure most rapists would have just told me to "shut-up" and gone on..Anyway I push myself to find better and better ways of "saying things." I don't "feel good" about myself when I'm blunt and mean and "hurtful." We all have feelings. (Not just me!)...How can I "say things" and get my point across without directly "attacking" or "hurting" someone in a mean and "heartless" way?
dreamofmonterey...Thanks but I'm no saint. I can "screw-up!" But I have a conscience and it lets me know if I need to apologize to someone and make amends..I don't want to go searching for scapegoats to persecute...If I run into people who drive me "batty" I can distance myself from them and move on. If I'm "stuck" with people (for one reason or another) then I try to understand them better and figure-out ways to "bridge" our differences if possible. I really don't want to stay mad at anyone...I wrote about my "run-in" with my son's doctor the other day. (Where I felt he acted pompous and arrogant.) YUK! I wanted to take a long "vacation" away from him for awhile.. But the truth is that we can't "part ways" right now! My son needs and depends on both of us. It's our "job" and our responsibility to find a way to "get along" and work together for the "good" of my son... We had a much better conversation this morning. YEA!...Both of us were on our "best behavior" because none of it is really "about us." (In personal ways.) It's about working together to help my son. And it's obvious that we both "care" about my son even though our preferences and "methods" may vary at times!
I did check myself on the use of the word we, if you read my post again. I am not offended by the OP. I just honestly believe that for the OP's sake, as well as the depressed person, it would be better to not associate.
The last thing I'd ever want would be to think someone was just looking for an exit door from a conversation with me. I would rather talk to myself.
I can't say I identify with those who want others to feel sorry for them. If you ask me, my life is a lot better than those in war torn countries and I never forget it. Still, hating my life doesn't feel good. I hate my life for many reasons. Part of it has to do with the choices I've made. Part of it has to do with the people I've known. Part of it has to do with being cursed with not the best genes when it comes to mental health. I know others who have other crosses to bear - physical disease for example. I know that were I to have that dumped on my plate it would push me over the edge.
If a person is capable of doing so, I really liked linicx's idea of just saying "I know. Want to get coffee? My treat." If not, I think it best to just cut ties.
I have lost quite a few people in the past couple of years. It is very painful. It wasn't about my depression, rather them not believing me about a situation I was dealing with. So much for all that support you are supposed to seek out when in certain tough spots. Heck, I lived in fear too much to even feel depressed. These were people I'd know for YEARS. So now they are gone and I'm alone and it's hard. But I'd still take this over being around someone who did not want to be around me.
I think I saw your follow up post after I had replied to your first post.
I also smiled at your suggestion that the OP stay away from depressed people! I understand your concern, but I dont agree 100% (I do understand the logic though). Sometimes just knowing your limits and not trying to push past them is enough. That's why I suggested she structure her visitsin a way that she can show support without going past her ablity to sympathise and be supportive.
I've had to do this with my Dad. Did I mention this already? Life and my posts are such a blur sometimes! I generaly visit him every day and sometimes several times a day. (I live really close to him). I do my best to be supportive and understanding, but some days he just becomes SO negative and quite rude. When it gets really bad I give us an unofficial "time out" from eachother, so that we can both regroup. Usually it works out okay.
I hear ya on the support thing too! I think these people are what you call "fair weather friends". It sucks. But it seems that a lot of people are like that. I have periods in my life where I do get reallydown and I need to vent quite a lot. I've learned to spread the misery around in small bits, so that I don't overwhelm any one friend with my problems. I also try sometimes to just hang out with my friends and actually just have a nice time and enjoy their company without having conversations about the "yucky stuff". For me, mixing it up seems to be the best way. Of course that's just me. We all have to figure out what works for us!
looking4answers12...Good post. You seem pretty level-headed. (Which is good!)...Can you (please) tell me the title of your post about your Dad? Thanks! I've been a little "scattered" lately and had trouble finding it when I looked for it. Thanks again.
I think I saw your follow up post after I had replied to your first post.
I also smiled at your suggestion that the OP stay away from depressed people! I understand your concern, but I dont agree 100% (I do understand the logic though). Sometimes just knowing your limits and not trying to push past them is enough. That's why I suggested she structure her visitsin a way that she can show support without going past her ablity to sympathise and be supportive.
I've had to do this with my Dad. Did I mention this already? Life and my posts are such a blur sometimes! I generaly visit him every day and sometimes several times a day. (I live really close to him). I do my best to be supportive and understanding, but some days he just becomes SO negative and quite rude. When it gets really bad I give us an unofficial "time out" from eachother, so that we can both regroup. Usually it works out okay.
I hear ya on the support thing too! I think these people are what you call "fair weather friends". It sucks. But it seems that a lot of people are like that. I have periods in my life where I do get reallydown and I need to vent quite a lot. I've learned to spread the misery around in small bits, so that I don't overwhelm any one friend with my problems. I also try sometimes to just hang out with my friends and actually just have a nice time and enjoy their company without having conversations about the "yucky stuff". For me, mixing it up seems to be the best way. Of course that's just me. We all have to figure out what works for us!
Fair weather friends are a dime a dozen. The cliche, is just a subset of another cliche. They're useful when you're tallying up the scoreboard of "how many people I can invite to a party" vs. "how many people will actually show up."
But then there's the opposite. The ill-weather friends. The ones who only seem to come to you when there's a PROBLEM. If you have problems, they'll commisserate. But only to the extent that they can manipulate the conversation to be all about them.
And when things are going well for you, when you're feeling terrific, life is handing you chicken nuggets with sweet and sour sauce and you're dancing in the blissful meadows of good cheer, your ill-weather friend shows up and dumps a bucket of stinky water all over your bliss. It's almost as if they're telling you "MY life sucks, therefore, you are not entitled to feel good."
I've written off a few people like that, and most people aren't like that. But I've noticed a vague trend, and that little nugget of truth behind every cliche. "Misery loves company." Whoever said that, didn't think it up out of nowhere. It came from a basic truth. And if someone who is miserable, doesn't have other miserable people to latch onto and commisserate with, then I've noticed they'll latch onto someone who isn't miserable, and try to make them miserable.
I just wish there was a magic phrase I could say to them, that'd help them feel better about their own lives, without them dragging me down from my own.
looking4answers12...Good post. You seem pretty level-headed. (Which is good!)...Can you (please) tell me the title of your post about your Dad? Thanks! I've been a little "scattered" lately and had trouble finding it when I looked for it. Thanks again.
I will have to look for that old post later. I am leaving in a few minutes.
Thank you for the compliment on being level headed. I think I manage to be most of the time, but I certainly have my moments where I am way off kilter! The other thing is, don't ask my big sister what she thinks of me. She seem to think I'm a dim-wit simply because I am younger than her!
Fair weather friends are a dime a dozen. The cliche, is just a subset of another cliche. They're useful when you're tallying up the scoreboard of "how many people I can invite to a party" vs. "how many people will actually show up."
But then there's the opposite. The ill-weather friends. The ones who only seem to come to you when there's a PROBLEM. If you have problems, they'll commisserate. But only to the extent that they can manipulate the conversation to be all about them.
And when things are going well for you, when you're feeling terrific, life is handing you chicken nuggets with sweet and sour sauce and you're dancing in the blissful meadows of good cheer, your ill-weather friend shows up and dumps a bucket of stinky water all over your bliss. It's almost as if they're telling you "MY life sucks, therefore, you are not entitled to feel good."
I've written off a few people like that, and most people aren't like that. But I've noticed a vague trend, and that little nugget of truth behind every cliche. "Misery loves company." Whoever said that, didn't think it up out of nowhere. It came from a basic truth. And if someone who is miserable, doesn't have other miserable people to latch onto and commisserate with, then I've noticed they'll latch onto someone who isn't miserable, and try to make them miserable.
I just wish there was a magic phrase I could say to them, that'd help them feel better about their own lives, without them dragging me down from my own.
You're right. There is definitely that type of person out there too. And I have a few of those in my family as well! (sigh)
I can absolutely understand why some people choose to become recluses (reclusive?)!
As far as a magic phrase. Sometimes nothing can make a person feel better. But someone here suggested something that I may use at some point. Simply "that sounds tough". I think those three words it conveys that you care even if you can't help them fix their problem.
Have you find any advice on this thread so far that might help with your situation? Have you figured out a new "strategy"?
Oh absolutely! For strangers or consistent and persistant drama queen types who I don't sincerely care about one way or another - "Oh. Sorry to hear it. Well, I gotta go now." And then make my escape.
For people who are part of my social/familial circle, but who I am not particularly close to - "I'm sorry to hear you're having troubles. Is there anything I can do, that would be of help?"
And for people who I really care about, people who are close to me, I will listen, and hopefully convince them to see someone professional, and remind them that I am - not one of those professionals. "How about we meet for a light supper after work tomorrow? I'm all yours, then, until I'll need to get home around 7."
I've sort of tweaked several responses in this thread to fit the situations I sometimes find myself in. So thanks y'all!
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The other thing is, don't ask my big sister what she thinks of me. She seem to think I'm a dim-wit simply because I am younger than her!