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Can you recognize one now? Did you learn from your experience? This is what I'm talking about.
I lead what many could call a charmed life -- and it's not been without challenges. We all have challenges. Having crazy ex best friend in my life -- real challenge. Impossible to help her. And believe me -- hard to walk away when I realized my two choices were fall into the rabbit hole with her, or walk away and let her go.
When our marriage came to an impasse.... I chose to stay and FIX IT, when leaving was by far the easiest thing to do. Every one told me so constantly.
Losing my beloved father when I was 21... hard hard hard.... losing my mother at 82, harder still. Nearly two years and I'm ALMOST out of the woods on that...
We bought a house in what we thought was an up and coming neighborhood.... and we lost the bet. It's in a bad neighborhood, but still live here because the mortgage is low.
I'm hypothyroid, diabetic, bad knees, back hurts.... and my job is hard and disgusting, but we own the janitorial business so we get all the money.
See? EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US HAS ISSUES. We have to work to overcome them.
everyone has issues from someone who is disatisfied with thier sex life to someone screaming from an eight floor while a building is on fire , unfortunatley when it comes to debating , issues ( regardless of thier seriousness ) get lumped in together and classed equally , hence the inane " everyone has issues " , the reality is that some people encounter a hell of a lot more challenges than others , the poster who encountered sociopaths in thier life might have gained strength by dealing with those toxic people but i seriously doubt if given the choice , they would have chosen to go through what they did , its nonesense to claim that hardships help people become better , if that were the case , children who grew up in an abusive enviroment would all end up a huge success
This was an interesting thread to read. Yes, I can look around and see that some people are just handed all the goodies. I have also learned to count my blessings (annoying term that sets off an old hymn singing in my head, but it fits the description) and to be grateful for what I do have, because I can look around and see people who have less. I once imagined myself to be married for life with a number of children and home...well, that didn't quite work out, but I do have a daughter who turned out well and I can be grateful for that.
But financially, I've always struggled and I suspect I always will. I've always wanted to be in a good relationship and I've never really had the chance, and I suspect I will end up alone.
In my older years, just as it has helped to look at what I do have and be more grateful, it has also helped to stand up for myself in my own mind and not put myself in situations where I have to feel ashamed or embarrassed because of what I am not. For example, I would often go to a friend's who would have barbecues or parties and her neighbors would come over, etc. But when I am there, I am always always always the only single person there. Always the one who glaringly is single with no date and no partner. Even though I don't necessarily WANT what any of them have--for example, her neighbor's "man" is 50 years old and just now recovering from a long coke habit, and my friend herself is in a 7-year-long relationship with a married man--I am tired of being the odd wheel all the time. So, over the last group of winter holidays, I began to decline invitations, and when my friend asked why she hadn't seen me or heard from me, I told the truth. I no longer wish to be in situations where everyone else is a couple and I am not. It might sound silly to some of you, but just making that decision gave me some strength. I have spent so much of my life being embarrassed and humiliated, and I am simply not going to put myself in situations where it is embarrassing and humiliating for me anymore, and that is that.
I may not be able to do anything about what life hands out, but I can do something about how I move through life, I guess.
I don't want to become bitter or "hard" or jealous or resentful of other people. YUK!..I know that life won't always seem (or be) fair.. Sometimes I'll be "passed-over" or "forgotten" or "ignored." (Even though it seemed like it should have been my turn to "go next!")...And sometimes I'll be the "chosen one" and be surprised! (Even though I didn't even consider myself a "candidate" or in the "race!")...Life seems to go "both ways." (At least from my perspective and experiences anyway.)...My first two marriages were short and didn't "work-out" very well. To be honest I didn't expect to get married again...But 12 years later I met a really nice man and we became close friends and "best buddies" for several years. (And had fun together!) Later we fell in love and we were married for 24 "happy years" until he passed away.)...Some things "work-out" and some things "don't!" Sometimes "bad luck" seems to run in spurts! (But it's never "all bad!" Some "good things" still happen during "bad luck cycles" too!)...Anyway I don't want to get stuck in the "poor me" syndrome for too long! Self-pity can breed a host of negative emotions. (Like anger, envy, jealousy, bitterness etc.)..I like to think that I have a "buoy" inside of me that will always rise to the surface no matter what! And my "buoy" (or "life-preserver") helps me "weather" all the storms and find reasons to smile and "have hope" despite all the "clouds" in the sky!
bad breaks have not made me bitter or hard towards the world ( excluding the one who destroyed me ) , quite the opposite , i find ive become a bit of a pussycat as a result , i dont feel i have the right to get all righteous and domineering with people anymore due to the fact that i failed and allowed myself to be beaten , i cant fake strength , arrogance or pride
some people turn thier personal disapointment against the world , some turn it inwards and suffer depression , i dont think either are desirable
I do. I try not to think in those terms though, but it's tough, especially when I look at how both my younger half brothers were born with good looks and were given every opportunity by our mother and their father, while I was pushed aside and allowed to drift. They are both happily married, successful. They undoubtedly worked for some of that, but they had an awful lot of help and good luck to get them there too.
I'm stuck in a particular rut right now that I have no clue as to how to get out of. Bad luck, bad decisions, who knows? Sometimes I feel like I'm being punished in this life for something I did wrong in the previous life, or almost as if I am being pushed towards doing you know what.
I have had an absolutely horrendous life nonstop since the age of ten. But, I had 10 enviably wonderful years. I always jokingly say that I must have been Satan in my past life since there is no other explanation and I think people are starting to believe it. However, I have always treated every other person as if they've had the same type of life I did. From what I see and read, nothing is further from the truth. Besides, empathy isn't something you're born with. But, I'm still alive and still a happy kiddo so what else should I expect? If you get to see a day? It's a good day.
I do. I try not to think in those terms though, but it's tough, especially when I look at how both my younger half brothers were born with good looks and were given every opportunity by our mother and their father, while I was pushed aside and allowed to drift. They are both happily married, successful. They undoubtedly worked for some of that, but they had an awful lot of help and good luck to get them there too.
I'm stuck in a particular rut right now that I have no clue as to how to get out of. Bad luck, bad decisions, who knows? Sometimes I feel like I'm being punished in this life for something I did wrong in the previous life, or almost as if I am being pushed towards doing you know what.
That's sad, how parents will treat one sibling worse than the other(s). I had that in my childhood as well, as I was often yelled at and spanked a lot, while my sis got a free pass, and my dad even admitted that she was his "fave." Of course she want on to have a "charmed" life, an excellent husband, the pick of any job she cared to apply for (undoubtedly due to her head-turning looks), and a very nice standard of living.
BUT - I'm never jealous of my sister, as she's had her share of mental problems and then some, and suffers a major breakdown every few years or so, and like me, she's clinically depressed. She's had everything anybody can want, but still isn't satisfied with her life - i.e., "it's never enough" for her. So yeah, she can keep her life, and I'll stick with mine, thank you very much...lol.
As for myself, I just try and focus on the good things I *do* have, and disregard the things I don't, like good hearing and people valuing my intelligence - I don't need a lot of people in my life anyways, and I certainly don't feel a need to prove myself, so that certainly helps. And being empathic helps too.
Maybe I'm having a bit of a little pity party (hate those words but can't think of anything else right now) now, but the question comes to my mind. Why do some get to lived such charmed lives and others just seem to endure one bad thing after another?
Case in point - my brother and his wife met at 15 and married at 20. Their life is like a fairy tale. They have two daughters (both of whom turned out well) and several grandchildren. They both have good careers, they're rich, they've got their health, they go on trips, they're still in love.
Others are not so fortunate. They suffer more than the average person. They deal with circumstances beyond their control that cause a great deal of pain. They do not live happy lives. I could go on and on, but you get the idea.
One is born into privilege, the other into poverty. The American Dream is (or more like was) within reach of many who were born under unfortunate circumstances. Still, others are born with physical challenges that are not fair, mental challenges they did not ask for, or get one or both during their lives. If it doesn't happen to them, then it happens to their loved ones which just causes more pain.
Karma is an easy thing to chalk it up to. I guess that's what I do.
What are your thoughts?
Yes I feel like that quite a bit, though I try to remind myself that I do have my health (knocking on wood) and haven't had anything I can't handle in that arena. But that's it. The rest of my life feels like a sad story. Very little close family and friends, sucky job (which I'm trying to relocate with, that's why I put up with it) and just the general feeling of my life going nowhere. It's depressing too.
I guess I try to believe in karma, but it's hard to believe it when I see nasty people around me get ahead more than I am and get everything they want while every time I try to improve my own life it just gets worse.
I don't believe in karma. I also don't believe in feeling cheated, rather, whatever mental/emotional errors I am prone to, feeling cheated isn't one of them. I think if one feels cheated, it goes beyond comparing oneself to some specified other person who hasn't had to deal with ___, or has ___ that I wish I had, etc.
Maybe it's a cognitive thing- "I feel lousy, I wish I had/did ___, and I was cheated out of it because I wished I had it and someone else does."
I have not found that thinking of women in Afghanistan or everyone in Haiti helps too much unless I am wishing I were king of the world or fabulously rich or something. My sister, who has had her share of difficulties and her share of fortune, once said to me, "There's the haves, and the have-nots." She was very bitter. I looked at her as we were having a $100/dinner in a resort town for her birthday, and she was spending her two-week vacation with her husband (also an angry, bitter man) at his family's summer shack by the sea. I said to her, "Guess which ones we are? We have jobs. Health. Benefits. Where is it written that you were supposed to be born into the Kennedy family or something?"
I do find looking at the world as a whole (and having been in a few of those places) as good for perspective, but not for frank depression.
I guess my American dream wasn't about being all I can be and stuff. I have often thought recently how my whole/life choices were blighted by depression, but for some reason, I just sigh and agree that that's what happened. People's lives and choices are blighted by many things- bad biochemistry, the Russian Revolution, World War 1, the Great Depression...
I guess I'm wary of thinking of "cheated" as being a necessary part of being unhappy with where one is or might be.
I have also been royally sc*rewed in my profession (and will leave smoke when I can retire), had bad experiences in relationships with men (distant time ago) and lived with the results of sexism in the environment and in my life. I am angry with the things in my life and the world that are not "fair," and are certainly not as I wish they would be- the only thing I ever thought was genuinely important to me was to find a soul companion, a companion on many levels, and I have not been able to, plus, I always thought that if I end up alone, at least I'd have left a more interesting past. Have I been cheated? No. Am I disappointed in myself and situations and things both in and out of control? Yes.
There is a reason envy is one of the seven deadly sins. It isn't real (you could compare yourself to anyone, anywhere, and that would take forever both in feeling better and feeling worse) and envy, I think, is a partner to feeling cheated by observing others. It is an unhelpful view, if not unhelpful emotion.
I feel this way sometimes. I've been dealt a decent hand in terms of circumstances (no hurricanes or major health crises), but sometimes I feel cheated genetically, if that makes sense. I think our genes may not determine everything about our lives, but they create set points that we can progress past with work but can only maintain that progress with continued effort.
My set points for mood, anxiety, introversion, physical attractiveness, and a handful of other traits are less than average. Of course I could be less capable along any of those dimensions, but I tend to notice those more capable, and on healthy days when I see people apparently floating through situations I struggle with I sigh and get on with it, but then some days I get lost imagining what it would be like to, well, to be different. At 54 I'm also haunted by the idea that had I accepted those limitations and created as much life within them as possible, I'd be happier.
And that's where I land on the issue. I'm saddened but resigned to the fact that connecting with people has always been difficult and that some of that difficulty was beyond my control, for example. However, I really regret not accepting my limitations earlier and making the most of the possibilities that were there for me.
That's what I'm striving for these days, accepting and making the most of my possibilities, and with a bit of success .
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