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Old 05-04-2012, 01:22 PM
 
Location: Old Town Alexandria
14,495 posts, read 24,250,786 times
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Has anyone grown up with an absentee father, or divorce where parents split while you were still young?

Divorce is almost over 60% in the US now, just wondering what people's experiences are.
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Old 05-04-2012, 03:24 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
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dreamofmonterey...Thanks for starting this thread. I grew-up in a 2-parent home but my sons went without a dad in their daily lives after my first husband and I got divorced...I had to be both "mom" and "dad" to my sons most of the time. Maybe this is why I tend to be strong and "tough" today because I had to do everything!...I didn't meet and marry my last husband until my sons were well into their teens..I think kids "lose out" when they don't have both parents around on a daily basis. Of course it's not good to stay in an unhappy or "toxic" marriage either!...My Dad wasn't perfect but he was active and involved in raising me. Some of my friends had dads who left everything up to their mothers. (And they stayed behind the scenes most of the time.)...I know this has an effect on kids. They can't help asking themselves: "What's wrong with me? Why does Dad ignore me?" How do you feel about it? Thanks.
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Old 05-04-2012, 03:47 PM
 
Location: FL
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No. I grew up with a dad who didnt' leave. He yelled a lot and belittled my mother frequently.

You always hear people speculating about the effects of divorce on children. I always wonder why nobody does a study on the effects of a bad marriage on children.
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Old 05-04-2012, 04:51 PM
 
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I could be the "poster child" for dysfunctional family...My Dad went to Vietnam, came home more messed up than anyone. He was either high on drugs, or homeless, so I saw him sporadically at best...he was always sure people were following him, and spying on him...it was interesting. A trip to McDonald's could take 2 hours, with various stops, checking for survelliance.

So, my Mom belonged to "boyfriend of the month club"...sometimes they would be around for awhile, then they were gone...who knows...whatever...

I just learned to be gone, all the time. Effects on me? I don't believe any relationship is permanent.

I am divorced..of course...I managed to find someone to marry, who had an even more dysfunctional family life...

But our kids...I don't know...they are not married. But they had a lot more of a stable family life than either one of their parents. And I agree, a broken home, is better than a miserable one.
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Old 05-04-2012, 05:03 PM
 
Location: Lower east side of Toronto
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ME---- my wife and family could not get rid of me...she tried once in a while to oust me--but I always slithered back into the home. No way after having all those kids was I about to be parted from them..they were so much fun and being a dad was kind of like being one of the kids...

I look back at old videos---and yes I took hundreds of hours of the kids--being in the film business _ I directed every scene---and those jam sessions we had with the pots and pans...would not have missed it for the world...Fathers sometimes get run off because the woman figures that she might just do better with someone else-----Like the creepy guy who would say "You are beautiful and I believe in you"---some woman will be swayed by flattery...


Well in the long run...my kids are fine..they are grown and love me- the wife lives down the street and made me a nice breakfast this morning...................You have to know what real wealth is- no way was I going to get robbed by divorce...besides....The adventure of raising and being a family was WONDERFUL\
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Old 05-04-2012, 05:07 PM
 
Location: Love, Epicenter
399 posts, read 522,886 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dreamofmonterey View Post
Has anyone grown up with an absentee father, or divorce where parents split while you were still young?

Divorce is almost over 60% in the US now, just wondering what people's experiences are.
My family dynamics are very complex but I did not grow up with my father although he and my mom are and have been in a relationship for the last 23 years. I didn't see him often growing up but he was always a very real and present part of my life, mentally, emotionally, and psychologically. At some point we had a rough relationship (12-18) and my family dynamics and perception of myself within the family dynamic changed drastically 3 years ago. But now, I feel an appreciation for my family dynamics and accept it as it is.
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Old 05-04-2012, 07:22 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
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all it does is further demonstrate why you should not trust them in general. they bring it on themselves if you ask me.
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Old 05-05-2012, 11:19 AM
Status: "Disoriented" (set 25 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
61,134 posts, read 58,408,747 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dreamofmonterey View Post
Has anyone grown up with an absentee father, or divorce where parents split while you were still young?

Divorce is almost over 60% in the US now, just wondering what people's experiences are.
My parents were married for fifty years. My father died several months after that anniversary.

My mother screamed a lot at my father when I was young for not being what she wanted him to be, but honestly, I consider myself very lucky. I had a father who was an intelligent, quiet, and gentle man who kept going despite the fact that his lower legs were blown off in WWII and he dealt with PTSD for the rest of his life.

I wanted to get married once and be married forever; however, it became necessary to kick my husband to the curb when my daughter was eight years old. I have always feared that this would affect her adversely, but she thanks me for getting him out of the house. She remembers the shame of having a drunken father and the sound of us fighting. She maintains a good-enough relationship with him, but she is also able to keep her distance and leave if necessary when his drinking becomes too much for her to handle.
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Old 05-05-2012, 02:05 PM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,663 posts, read 4,681,460 times
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My non-absentee mother and stepfather at the time did far more lasting damage than my absentee father, who for some reason, I cannot hate or resent, even though he was barely ever around.
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Old 05-07-2012, 09:35 AM
 
Location: Washington, DC area
607 posts, read 1,089,655 times
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My parents divorced when I was 9. Even before the divorce, I didn't spend much time with my father during the last few years of their marriage. After the divorce, I only saw and talked to my father sporadically. The first year or so after, we had regular visitation and he paid child support but as the years went on, that was less and less. I can count on one hand the number of times I saw my father during my high school, college and grad school years. And I can count the number of times I talked to him during those years on 2 hands.

Not having a relationship with my father used to really upset me. I also grew up with lots of other kids with absentee fathers, my mother had an abusive father and stepfather and the men in my family are absolutely dysfunctional, so I grew up thinking men were practically evil incarnate...no joke. I was really surprised the first time I met someone who had an absentee mother, got to know a guy with a cheating girlfriend and talked to friends with substance abusing sisters.

I've struggled to get to a point where I feel like I can have healthy relationships with men and I've even started talking to my father. I have no desire to be close to him like I am with my mother but I'd like us to stay in touch.
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