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I know this might be a rehashed topic, but I wanted to add the opinions of someone who identifies as transgender who has dealt with screwy parents. I think that most people have had experience with self-absorbed parents in the past whether you grew up with them or not. Often times if we visited a friend's house in the past as kids sometimes we could tell something might not have been right with our friend's parents. Anyways, I want to add some background to give my perspective a little better.
To make it short, I identified as female almost ever since I was self-aware. This continued on through middle school and high school, and when I was 20 in the year 2002, I came to my parents and finally told them that I wanted to be female. Given that I didn't have any major disagreements with family before, I assumed that while I didn't expect them to say "Oh yeah, that's fine" and move on, I hoped that they would at least be civil.
Boy, was that far from the truth. To make a long story short, they basically gave me so much **** for it that I almost dropped out of college just to get out of the state and the community. That shocked me since I never expected them to react like they did. Basically they accused me of being an abomination to GOD and the usual pseudo-religious rhetoric (like they actually knew GOD) that most of the anti-LGBT crowd comes up with. It threw me off so much that I ended up telling my parents later that I wasn't transgender and I basically went 'underground' so to speak on my gender identity. Combine that with a school counselor who misled her credentials to me and wasn't very helpful with my gender issues, that turned me down a very sad path for the next decade.
My point is this: don't hide it like I did. I sort of had to hide it because I had no one to help me. All of the people I thought were my friends and all the people I thought gave a crap about me didn't. But nowadays even people in that situation can get help; find a community that is more willing to help LGBT people. I think part of what got me through this last decade was my faith, my love of science and business, and my own strength. Thankfully I don't have a sexual orientation (or if I do, it's incredibly weak) so I haven't gotten lonely like some people do. I don't understand fully of what it's like to be gay or bisexual but I know that it can be hard for them sometimes.
Another point I want to make: don't rely upon the media, especially the mainstream media. Most of the media today is at least 10 years behind the times. Much of it is 20 or more years behind. Don't assume the Web 2.0 community is necessarily better. Much of the blogosphere gets their news from the traditional media; you can make the argument that the blogosphere is essentially an extention of the older media conglomerates. One thing they all have in common is selling sensation. It's like the 'stories' on Yahoo News; many of them are about topics that are trivial in their nature and are written and presented to basically egg on the audience to make the nastiest comments they can. It's the same with the portion of the media marketed to the LGBT crowd. The Bravo channel is a good example. RuPaul's drag shows are a bad example of the LGBT community; in my opinion RuPaul is a sellout to the people that he's supposedly supporting (I don't know if RuPaul is just a drag queen or if he actually identifies as a female). Even the blogosphere is not safe; years ago I posted on a good sized transgender forum and basically left since the administration was a bunch of tyrants. Most of the better posters there left for the same reasons.
Anyways, don't let society push you around, especially if you're younger. You'll live to regret it as I have. There will come a point when I will have to confront my own parents on MY terms. Understand though, that the real world isn't always as hostile to LGBT people as one might think. City Data alone surprised me since, and I'll be honest, City Data came across to me as being a very intolerant site. As I posted around here more, I began to realize that if you hang with an intolerant crowd, they might bite you in the rear, especially if you're LGBT. (A good tip; stay away from the Politics section)
Great post. I am not fully transsexual but I certainly do not identify with my biological gender and I have had much of the same experience as you, OP. Thanks for this post. You will really help a lot of people who come across it.
I am often surprised when I hear that parents are surprised by this. It seems to me, and forgive me if I'm clueless, that your parents would have seen signs of your identifying with being a female from when you were a small child, as I assume that you did have those feelings from very young. Perhaps they were in denial though? It sound like your parents are very religious, and these things never go well with them.
Well who am I to talk though--I have a gay dd whom I never suspected of being gay since she is so feminine and six months after she came out, my husband did too, so now he's my ex. Still, gender identity is much different from that and I thank you for educating us--my heart goes out to you and I truly hope your parents can come to terms with this.
I am often surprised when I hear that parents are surprised by this. It seems to me, and forgive me if I'm clueless, that your parents would have seen signs of your identifying with being a female from when you were a small child, as I assume that you did have those feelings from very young.
If I may answer...
Not necessarily. From everything I've seen and read on the subject (and I am not TG, I just like to study subjects that pick my interest), many males that are uncomfortable with their gender go to extremes to prove their "manhood", they join military, get into sports, lift weights, etc. It is also wrong to assume that they all look or act feminine. Quiet the opposite. They really do try to fit the role their gender and society assigned to them. Many fail. Some suffer in silence for the rest of their lives, making themselves and those around them miserable.
I am sorry to hear about your husband. He did try to fit his role as well. Yes, it hurt you a lot I would imagine. But it takes a huge amount of courage to come out that late in life knowing what the consequences are going to be. I hope you found it in your heart to forgive him.
I wish you all the best. I send you love and harmony. And a big hug
fireandice1000, thank you for your post.
I hope a lot of young people will read it and find it helpful and hopeful.
My heart goes out to you when I read about your family...
It is sad when parents cannot accept their children as they are and simply love them unconditionally. It is even sadder when parents who consider themselves being the followers of Christ's teachings, make judgements and shun their "imperfect" children from their "perfect" lives.
God is Love. That's what Christ was teaching. All the judgements were invented by us, humans. And we invented many of them.
So many in fact, that we buried the original teachings under them.
I hope you realize by now that your family's reaction was not so much about you. It was about them. What would people say about them?
Too many in our society worry too much about what would others say and not enough about what their actions would do to their loved ones.
You were a gift to them as every child is to their parents. Indeed, you were a very special gift designed to teach them a lesson of unconditional love and non-judgement.
But you were not up to their "standards" so they refused you.
It is their loss.
Love, light and harmony to you.
You soul chose this path of life. There is a lesson in it you here as well.
But you are always loved unconditionally by the higher power (whatever you believe or don't believe this power to be).
Never let anyone tell you otherwise.
fireandice1000, thank you for your post.
I hope a lot of young people will read it and find it helpful and hopeful.
My heart goes out to you when I read about your family...
It is sad when parents cannot accept their children as they are and simply love them unconditionally. It is even sadder when parents who consider themselves being the followers of Christ's teachings, make judgements and shun their "imperfect" children from their "perfect" lives.
God is Love. That's what Christ was teaching. All the judgements were invented by us, humans. And we invented many of them.
So many in fact, that we buried the original teachings under them.
I hope you realize by now that your family's reaction was not so much about you. It was about them. What would people say about them?
Too many in our society worry too much about what would others say and not enough about what their actions would do to their loved ones.
You were a gift to them as every child is to their parents. Indeed, you were a very special gift designed to teach them a lesson of unconditional love and non-judgement.
But you were not up to their "standards" so they refused you.
It is their loss.
Love, light and harmony to you.
You soul chose this path of life. There is a lesson in it you here as well.
But you are always loved unconditionally by the higher power (whatever you believe or don't believe this power to be).
Never let anyone tell you otherwise.
Hugs
To you and everyone else who emailed me and/or posted on this topic, thanks. I did actually write this to inform the younger LGBT crowd from a more real-world source. The last decade to me seems like society is becoming plain weirder. While I am neither Catholic/Protestant nor Christian in my faith, I think I understand where you are coming from as far as Jesus is concerned.
Speaking of weird, another thing I forgot to mention is that I'm sort of an anomaly in my generation. Unlike most people in Gen Y I tend to have a more tough-minded personality. I don't care about popularity; if I'm a loner for the rest of my life I don't really care. I'll admit that it can be a weakness; I've had more than my fair share of arguments. I don't go and cause trouble but I don't like being told what to do for the most part. I tend to have a more individualist personality overall. Yes, I've been pushed off blogs for refusing to play along, I'll admit that. It's also possible that I might have a touch of autism or Aspergers since I've heard where people who don't have a sexual orientation possibly have one of them.
I'm sorry your family was so unsupportive. My 6 year old recently told me that she is a boy with girl parts. Not sure what lies ahead. Not sure how fluid or permanent it is but I do know I will love and support her/him. A great amount of guilt as a mom comes with trying to figure all of this out. School is supportive and my baby can use whichever bathroom she chooses. Her friends in kindergarten refer to her as a him and so does the teacher. the staff has been very vigilant in keeping s/he safe and content with constant communication from me. I hope that the world is changing and people become kinder to everyone. gender obviously isn't binary. I hope that you find good support. You deserved to be loved and honored for who you are. Parents need to get over themselves. I'm sad that I don't feel like I have my little girl anymore but I have this little unique gift of a little boy. ith the suicide rate being so high I may not even have that some day. So I'm going to celebrate him. Nothing has really changed about him. He has the same interests as before he told me. Be yourself. Take care.
Last edited by Samcurran; 05-06-2012 at 09:58 PM..
Reason: Spelling error
I'm sorry your family was so unsupportive. My 6 year old recently told me that she is a boy with girl parts. Not sure what lies ahead. Not sure how fluid or permanent it is but I do know I will love and support her/him. A great amount of guilt as a mom comes with trying to figure all of this out. School is supportive and my baby can use whichever bathroom she chooses. Her friends in kindergarten refer to her as a him and so does the teacher. the staff has been very vigilant in keeping s/he safe and content with constant communication from me. I hope that the world is changing and people become kinder to everyone. gender obviously isn't binary. I hope that you find good support. You deserved to be loved and honored for who you are. Parents need to get over themselves. I'm sad that I don't feel like I have my little girl anymore but I have this little unique gift of a little boy. ith the suicide rate being so high I may not even have that some day. So I'm going to celebrate him. Nothing has really changed about him. He has the same interests as before he told me. Be yourself. Take care.
Thank you for sharing your story. You child is very lucky to have you. And kudos to kid's school!
Please do not feel guilty. You've done nothing wrong. On the contrary, the universe felt that you can "handle" and deserve a child so unique and gifted him/her to you. As long as your child has your support, you don't have to worry about suicide. That happens when people feel cornered and have no one to turn to. Obviously not your child's case.
Yes, raising your child will not be easy, you're facing unique challenges most parents will never know anything about and will not be able to advise you. I hope you, yourself, have support in your life as well.
Lots of love and harmony to you and your unique child
Ru Paul is a drag queen. A drag queen is a gay male that assumes a transgender, female persona for a variety of purposes (sometimes sexual, sometimes to entertain, sometimes for similar reasons to heterosexual crossdressers). Ru Paul however is not a transsexual and never claimed to. Basicly, he's not necessarily like you and doesn't claim to represent you, so please take into consideration Ru Paul is just as much a member and spokesperson for the LGBT community as you or anybody else.
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Controlling parents
