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Old 05-08-2012, 09:19 AM
 
Location: USA
1,589 posts, read 1,797,742 times
Reputation: 1630

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I am insecure. And I feel alone and like I am strange. But I realize that there must be many others like me. Maybe if we talk, it will help us to realize that we are not alone and that maybe one of us has found some help somewhere in some way. Sometimes just sharing thoughts can make one feel better (even if temporarily).

So maybe we could share thoughts/feelings/experiences about how it is to live in this world as an insecure person and how people seem to treat us (at least in our mind).

What do you think feeling insecure means? Why do you feel insecure?

To me, feeling insecure means thinking that other people find me unacceptable.

I guess I have a problem with finding my value. But why? Why do I not feel valuable? Could it be my childhood? Could my parents have made me feel not valuable? Could the people around me somehow gave me that impression?

Do YOU know why you don't feel valuable?

I am afraid of pain. And I am very proud by nature. And to me, rejection feels both like pain and like humiliation. And so when I feel insecure, that means I am afraid that this person will not think that I am valuable and will discard me. And then I will feel pain and humiliation.

People who reject me feel like bullies to me. (I know they didn't mean to hurt me, but it still feels like they kicked me and then left me to die and I feel so hopeless, like they just bullied me and there is nothing I can do to defend myself).

And so I get angry at myself for allowing them to get close to me and for becoming vulnerable with them.

And then I make a decision not to let people close to me, so they don't have the power over me to bully me, to hurt me and leave me for dead.

Many people claim to be your friend, but sooner or later (usually sooner), they show you their true colors and act like "not a friend". And you think to yourself: "see, I knew it, I knew that this was not a friend". And this experience keeps repeating and you learn more and more that people are NOT to be trusted.

So, as a result, I don't trust anybody and I keep my distance from anyone. And it's lonely to be this way. I badly want to trust someone, to be a part of someone, to belong to someone. But it's too risky. And too many people have proved themselves to be untrustworthy.


So for example, me and this person have talked for a long time, and so far he has been sensitive enough that it feels like I can trust him. And yet, in spite of that, the minute he says something like: "I can't talk tomorrow, I am too busy", my mind starts to think: "hmm, he is too busy for you, maybe he doesn't like you anymore". And in return to these thoughts, my heart starts to ache, like it's actually the truth now. And I feel like I should not trust him too much. And at the same time I realize that all of this must be just in my head and he probably cares just as much. But the negative feeling still stays with me and still makes me want to not trust him.

I see the other girls all around me and they don't even look good and yet they have confidence in themselves, they feel that they have value. Why are they different? That means it's not looks that makes one secure or insecure. But a mindset. Something is wrong in our mind? But what? And how to fix it?
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Old 05-08-2012, 02:41 PM
 
Location: Beautiful hills
248 posts, read 411,847 times
Reputation: 506
I see more issues in your post than just a simple insecurity problem.
A support group may not be the answer, or least not right now.
Maybe a therapy?...
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Old 05-08-2012, 08:03 PM
 
Location: FL
1,727 posts, read 2,242,759 times
Reputation: 1047
I have had insecure moments, though I don't consider myself a completely insecure girl.
I certainly can relate to it.

Things I've been insecure about...

How I look.
If people think of me as smart or not.
If people respect me.

I do think that if you project too much insecurity it has a bit of a snowball effect - I hope saying that doesn't make things worse!

It's kind of like they say animals sense fear. If you come across as if you care too much, you actually push people away. But then again it's not good to care too little either.

What helps me to feel more secure?
I think everyone has value. If I believe that everyone has value, then how could I think that I don't have value.

We don't need to all be beauty queens or braniacs to have value in this world. We are all capable of contributing something positive to this world. If someone cannot see the value in another person, then the flaw is in the person who cannot see value in others. Those are the most flawed individuals in my opinion.

The rest of us are just regular people doing the best we can with what we've got.
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Old 05-08-2012, 08:55 PM
 
5,546 posts, read 8,855,099 times
Reputation: 2770
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zen Dragonfly View Post
I see more issues in your post than just a simple insecurity problem.
A support group may not be the answer, or least not right now.
Maybe a therapy?...
What other issues do you see?

Therapy can be expensive. Why pay for therapy if there are people with good ideas on the Net?
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Old 05-08-2012, 10:17 PM
 
Location: Beautiful hills
248 posts, read 411,847 times
Reputation: 506
Quote:
Originally Posted by mistygrl092 View Post
What other issues do you see?
I'll keep this to myself for now, not sure now if I should've posted this. Just see some very familiar traits, but don't want to hurt poster's feelings.
I am not a shrink, what if I am wrong? Don't want to plant anything into OP's mind

Quote:
Why pay for therapy if there are people with good ideas on the Net?
You are right. This can work for many.
I do agree with you that therapists are expensive, not everyone can afford their services, so... this is the next best thing
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Old 05-09-2012, 01:09 PM
 
Location: USA
1,589 posts, read 1,797,742 times
Reputation: 1630
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zen Dragonfly View Post
I'll keep this to myself for now, not sure now if I should've posted this. Just see some very familiar traits, but don't want to hurt poster's feelings.
I am not a shrink, what if I am wrong? Don't want to plant anything into OP's mind


thanks for sparing my feelings, it was very nice of you...

but I am curious... so post your thoughts (and I'll put a shield on in the meantime, so I won't get hurt )

maybe something would be helpful
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Old 05-10-2012, 11:00 AM
 
Location: USA
1,589 posts, read 1,797,742 times
Reputation: 1630
I had a thought the other day.

An insecure person has a problem believing something (believing that the other person really cares.)

But I just remembered that many Christians have a problem believing that God cares when the times are bad. And so what do they do? How they make themselves believe more?

Well, they READ a lot from the Bible about situations where God promises protection and help.

So I thought it may be helpful for an insecure girl to WRITE DOWN all the good things the partner tells her and make it into a Bible. And whenever we feel like they don't care, we should go back and read what they told us about their feelings, and what they did for us to show that they care.

I wrote some things down that the person told me and did for me. And I started to cry because it was so touching. And yet, sometimes it's still hard to believe that they care.

But if you read the Bible, you see Jesus performing miracles and the disciples see those miracles. And yet, the next time something happens, the disciples doubt again.

What's with our inability to trust and to believe?

But since Christians grow in their faith by regularly reading about that stuff, maybe we can too...
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Old 05-10-2012, 11:48 AM
 
Location: Love, Epicenter
399 posts, read 522,180 times
Reputation: 385
I guess I can answer some of these.

For the last 2 years, I was very insecure about myself in the future and coming close to the end of this phase I started a thread on it, the overall theme being "Existential anxiety".

Insecure to me means just not feeling sure of oneself and one's ability to make it in this world.

At first, it was wondering if God was still listening to me, if I was still connected. Then it became always wondering if I had used enough of my resources and time to become the nurse I want to be or if I had followed my heart and utilized as many of the opportunities that I had been given in this life to grow or whether I was on the right path. Sometimes I'd wonder if I had dived in deep enough into my own abilities or if I had just quit because it seemed too hard or because I was lazy. For example, I'm an empath and while I was often urged to try and further develop this ability by others, I didn't exactly want to because I wanted to do other things in my life. But at the same time, I was worried that I'd never grow if I didn't. I'd start, but in trying to force the ability I'd get anxious because I just didn't feel I was moving fast enough. Problem is, when I'm anxious, I can't feel anything. I'd go numb and it made using my instincts even harder.

Anyways, I'll stop there because I don't want anyone thinking there's something to fix here. As you learn, you grow and many of these issues are circa.

All the best DayLight

Last edited by soliloquyenlightened; 05-10-2012 at 11:55 AM.. Reason: Had to.
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Old 05-10-2012, 09:52 PM
 
Location: Beautiful hills
248 posts, read 411,847 times
Reputation: 506
Quote:
Originally Posted by DayLight1555 View Post
thanks for sparing my feelings, it was very nice of you...

but I am curious... so post your thoughts (and I'll put a shield on in the meantime, so I won't get hurt )

maybe something would be helpful
I don't know how old you're. If you are very young, then I would say that a lot of your insecurity is part of being young and trying to find yourself, while also trying to fit in, while also trying to figure other people out, while... you get the picture
Yes, parents can play a role in contributing to kids' insecurities. Especially highly critical parents.

OK, you asked for it Shields up? Armor suit on? Here we go...
This part of your post reminded me of a very close friend who has personality disorder and suffers from chronic PTSD.
(I do not suggest you have these disorders )
Quote:
I am afraid of pain. And I am very proud by nature. And to me, rejection feels both like pain and like humiliation. And so when I feel insecure, that means I am afraid that this person will not think that I am valuable and will discard me. And then I will feel pain and humiliation.

People who reject me feel like bullies to me. (I know they didn't mean to hurt me, but it still feels like they kicked me and then left me to die and I feel so hopeless, like they just bullied me and there is nothing I can do to defend myself).

And so I get angry at myself for allowing them to get close to me and for becoming vulnerable with them.

And then I make a decision not to let people close to me, so they don't have the power over me to bully me, to hurt me and leave me for dead.

Many people claim to be your friend, but sooner or later (usually sooner), they show you their true colors and act like "not a friend". And you think to yourself: "see, I knew it, I knew that this was not a friend". And this experience keeps repeating and you learn more and more that people are NOT to be trusted.

So, as a result, I don't trust anybody and I keep my distance from anyone. And it's lonely to be this way. I badly want to trust someone, to be a part of someone, to belong to someone. But it's too risky. And too many people have proved themselves to be untrustworthy.
It seems that you want people close, yet it looks like you maybe pushing them away?
How do you feel about forgiveness?
What about revenge?
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Old 05-10-2012, 10:09 PM
 
Location: Beautiful hills
248 posts, read 411,847 times
Reputation: 506
Quote:
Originally Posted by PrinieRN View Post
For example, I'm an empath and while I was often urged to try and further develop this ability by others, I didn't exactly want to because I wanted to do other things in my life. But at the same time, I was worried that I'd never grow if I didn't. I'd start, but in trying to force the ability I'd get anxious because I just didn't feel I was moving fast enough.
Hello, fellow empath
You are right about not wanting to do what others are suggesting. You will know when you are ready. When student is ready, the teacher will show up.

I will leave you with a short fable from my spiritual teacher.
A man was standing by the edge of a cliff looking at the narrow bridge to the other side. The bridge didn't look strong enough. It was narrow and shaky. The man needed to get to the other side, but he wasn't sure he wanted to take a chance with a weak looking bridge. Another man arrived at the cliff, he stepped on the bridge without hesitation and crossed to the other side. The first man remained standing, still not sure if he should step on the bridge. After some time, the second man crossed the bridge back, again without any hesitation.
"How did you do it? I've been standing here forever unable to cross this bridge. Weren't you scared?" - asked the first man
And the second man answered: "I just really needed to get to the other side".
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