U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Covid-19 Information Page
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Health and Wellness > Mental Health
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 05-10-2012, 09:55 AM
 
Location: Love, Epicenter
399 posts, read 522,281 times
Reputation: 385

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
I didn't see the free option on the link . . .

My thinking is part of the problem . . .I tend to dream about the problems too, so that doesn't help. In the worst times, I just have a really sick feeling all of the time . . . just sad that the person is making bad choices . . .or in fear that they are making the choices and will not like the consequences or don't seem to understand that they are creating consequences they won't like . . .I don't know why but it sickens me to the core of my being . . .
It starts with a decision. You have to decide not to let these people to get to you and then go do something else.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 05-10-2012, 10:23 AM
 
Location: USA
1,589 posts, read 1,798,062 times
Reputation: 1630
Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
If you have successfully found a way to not allow the actions of others that you care about impact you, please share your methods.

I have a family member who is making difficult choices and the choices impact the entire family - some people cope better than others . . . I have good days and bad days - on the bad days I am overcome with sadness and grief . . .so disappointed that the person doesn't seem to see that what they are doing can't lead to happiness . . .then I get angry that they "don't get it."

On other days I get angry in a different way and can detach . . .but then I cycle back to sadness and despair . . .can't seem to get to a space where I can accept that this person is making their own choices and there is nothing I can do about it AND be happy in my life at the same time.

If you have gone through something significant with a close loved one - where they were making decisions that resulted in negative outcomes, please share how you coped - what your thinking was, how you were able to handle it and have happiness in your own life, despite what they were or were not doing . . . I am very attached to this person doing well and cannot seem to accept that they have chosen a hard road to hoe.





I agree with others about "stop thinking" about it. I realize that it maybe hard to do. However, the stopping to think about it STARTS with realizing that you need to do that. Then you have to convince your SELF that stopping to think about it is the best way for you to go. At some point, you will fully believe that (once your SELF gets convinced of that) and then you will stop thinking about it.

Our beliefs (what we believe should be done about anything) program our subconscious mind and it does what we BELIEVE should be done.

So once you truly believe that you should not be thinking about it, THEN, your body will follow, and will stop thinking about it.

It's all about training your mind to think a certain way about a situation. So I am going to give you a few ways to think about it, and maybe it would help...

You are like a mother whose son just enlisted in the army and could be killed.


Imagine a mother who has a daughter in an abusive relationship and the daughter doesn't want to get out. What can a mother do? Just be there for her daughter when it's necessary.

Imagine a mother whose daughter has cancer. What is a mother to do? Just be there for her as much as she can.


IMAGINE that your friend is ALREADY in a bad situation (that way you won't have to worry about him making the bad decisions). Imagine that it's inevitable that this friend will end up in a bad situation. So expect it and don't get angry about him/her making a decision, but just try to be there as though the bad thing already happened.
Imagine that you've met this friend when they already WERE in a bad situation.

You are getting angry at their inability to make the right decision. However, that's life. People WILL make bad decisions because they are too dumb to know better. And we all have to just expect it and just learn to get around it, learn to cope with it. Right now, in your mind, there is a battle because you believe that the bad decision can be prevented. But tell your mind that it's not true. See the bad outcome as though it already has happened.

Sometimes being a friend to someone is like seeing the future and not being able to do anything about changing the outcome. Sometimes it's like seeing a train wreck coming, but not being able to prevent it. It's very frustrating situation. However, you should convince your SELF that it's a part of life and you need to "let things be". Tell yourself that YOU don't have a choice. That you can only stand back and watch.

It's unfortunate, but it's life. It's the way it works.

So I think that your sick feeling is because your SELF still believes there is a way to prevent this and you just can't find it. But make your SELF realize that it's too late. It already has happened. And maybe then the SELF will stop fighting and stop having bad premonitions (sickening feeling). but will just learn to cope with the bad situation.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-10-2012, 03:34 PM
 
4,043 posts, read 3,096,369 times
Reputation: 1954
It says "Listen Free" just above an arrow to click on, very near the top of the page. Listening to it is using it if we choose to do what it suggests we do. One can go to the website as many times as we wish and use it.

At www.patriotoutreach.org anyone can go read the front page message from the Colonel that discovered the exercise and founded a 501c for the troops, and has given out over 100,000 Multimedia CDs of it and a host of other resources for the troops.

Yes, the thinking about it is how we keep our concern alive. I think you dream and think about this, incessantly worrying about it because you are probably close to the person, you love and care for them a lot. We do think the most about what we are emotionally connected to.

What this mental exercise does is "break the spell" of the power of hold that our minds, our incessant thinking has over us. We get lost in our thoughts. This exercise brings us back to the present time, in our minds, not thinking about either the past or future.

I found an ancient reference to "the wheel of the mind." That hit home! I thought yes, how my mind goes and goes like a wheel.

The Coping Strategies are a way to "still the wheel." Or....to get off of it at other times, and be an observer of it instead of a reluctant rider of the wheel.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-16-2012, 12:12 AM
 
Location: In a state of denial
1,289 posts, read 2,724,526 times
Reputation: 942
It's called "tough love". You have to let them go in order to find peace for yourself.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-16-2012, 12:40 AM
 
13,515 posts, read 14,941,260 times
Reputation: 37885
Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
If you have successfully found a way to not allow the actions of others that you care about impact you, please share your methods.

I have a family member who is making difficult choices and the choices impact the entire family - some people cope better than others . . . I have good days and bad days - on the bad days I am overcome with sadness and grief . . .so disappointed that the person doesn't seem to see that what they are doing can't lead to happiness . . .then I get angry that they "don't get it."

On other days I get angry in a different way and can detach . . .but then I cycle back to sadness and despair . . .can't seem to get to a space where I can accept that this person is making their own choices and there is nothing I can do about it AND be happy in my life at the same time.

If you have gone through something significant with a close loved one - where they were making decisions that resulted in negative outcomes, please share how you coped - what your thinking was, how you were able to handle it and have happiness in your own life, despite what they were or were not doing . . . I am very attached to this person doing well and cannot seem to accept that they have chosen a hard road to hoe.
There's your problem it seems to me. You have attached your sense of well being much too closely to the actions of this other person, despite the hints that you do understand that this person is not you. You say that you "can accept...." but, clearly, you cannot.

It takes a long time to learn to examine the question of "Why do I feel so bad when....." It's not your life, they are not your choices, you will not reap the benefits or failures of these choices...but you are acting as if you will. In a sense, you are hurting yourself by yourself, and I think you might find it helpful to look at what this "attachment" you refer to is about.

You seem to have picked up a nettle and can't keep from squeezing, much less put it down, that's your problem, I would think. Why?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-16-2012, 12:46 AM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 11,233,891 times
Reputation: 8956
Quote:
Originally Posted by kevxu View Post
There's your problem it seems to me. You have attached your sense of well being much too closely to the actions of this other person, despite the hints that you do understand that this person is not you. You say that you "can accept...." but, clearly, you cannot.

It takes a long time to learn to examine the question of "Why do I feel so bad when....." It's not your life, they are not your choices, you will not reap the benefits or failures of these choices...but you are acting as if you will. In a sense, you are hurting yourself by yourself, and I think you might find it helpful to look at what this "attachment" you refer to is about.

You seem to have picked up a nettle and can't keep from squeezing, much less put it down, that's your problem, I would think. Why?
First of all, you misread the OP. I said I "cannot accept." I CAN'T ACCEPT . . .no acceptance . . .nada . . . It is not rational . . . just the way I FEEL . . .

The attachment is some kind of strong bond that defies logic . . .I think it's called love . . .I love this person and it hurts to see them make decisions that result in hurting themselves and other people (again, not logical or rational) . . .
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-16-2012, 02:58 AM
 
Location: Love, Epicenter
399 posts, read 522,281 times
Reputation: 385
Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
First of all, you misread the OP. I said I "cannot accept." I CAN'T ACCEPT . . .no acceptance . . .nada . . . It is not rational . . . just the way I FEEL . . .

The attachment is some kind of strong bond that defies logic . . .I think it's called love . . .I love this person and it hurts to see them make decisions that result in hurting themselves and other people (again, not logical or rational) . . .
Did you find a solution to this already, imcurious? It's not really a physical issue. It's abstract. So you have to find a way that works for you as we can all only give suggestions. I love my mom and for years I wanted her to leave my dad. But love liberates, and you have to give people the space and freedom to do things, even if it hurts you, them, others.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Health and Wellness > Mental Health
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2020, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top