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Old 05-08-2012, 10:11 AM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 11,233,891 times
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If you have successfully found a way to not allow the actions of others that you care about impact you, please share your methods.

I have a family member who is making difficult choices and the choices impact the entire family - some people cope better than others . . . I have good days and bad days - on the bad days I am overcome with sadness and grief . . .so disappointed that the person doesn't seem to see that what they are doing can't lead to happiness . . .then I get angry that they "don't get it."

On other days I get angry in a different way and can detach . . .but then I cycle back to sadness and despair . . .can't seem to get to a space where I can accept that this person is making their own choices and there is nothing I can do about it AND be happy in my life at the same time.

If you have gone through something significant with a close loved one - where they were making decisions that resulted in negative outcomes, please share how you coped - what your thinking was, how you were able to handle it and have happiness in your own life, despite what they were or were not doing . . . I am very attached to this person doing well and cannot seem to accept that they have chosen a hard road to hoe.



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Old 05-08-2012, 10:52 AM
 
Location: Love, Epicenter
399 posts, read 522,281 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
If you have successfully found a way to not allow the actions of others that you care about impact you, please share your methods.

I have a family member who is making difficult choices and the choices impact the entire family - some people cope better than others . . . I have good days and bad days - on the bad days I am overcome with sadness and grief . . .so disappointed that the person doesn't seem to see that what they are doing can't lead to happiness . . .then I get angry that they "don't get it."

On other days I get angry in a different way and can detach . . .but then I cycle back to sadness and despair . . .can't seem to get to a space where I can accept that this person is making their own choices and there is nothing I can do about it AND be happy in my life at the same time.

If you have gone through something significant with a close loved one - where they were making decisions that resulted in negative outcomes, please share how you coped - what your thinking was, how you were able to handle it and have happiness in your own life, despite what they were or were not doing . . . I am very attached to this person doing well and cannot seem to accept that they have chosen a hard road to hoe.



I assess the situation. Is it someone I need to walk away from because the situation is something that has a direct impact on my life or is it someone who's making decisions that affect their own lives negatively and they aren't in a place to want to change it?

If it's the latter then I try to stay open to the person in the event that they do want help but I go about my life by finding other things that I can tend to in my own life. Find a few quotes to remind me that I can't control others nor can I really save people who don't want to be saved.

"God, grant me the serenity of mind to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference."

I might even write about what that quote means to me then proceed to carry out my life through that understanding of the quote.

I write a lot as a way of exploring my own feelings towards the situation and try to look and see if anything can be done on my end. Sometimes I might try talking to the person in a very calm, direct, manner without blaming them for my feelings. But if that proves futile or if I'm unable to do so for one reason or another then I might go somewhere where I can be alone (my room) and cry and allow myself to feel angry and sad or disheartened for as long as it takes and write write write until I'm out of words or until my fingers are tired.

I also google information on the subject at hand or find books or talk to other people for a solution, as you're doing.
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Old 05-08-2012, 03:15 PM
 
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That can be tough sometimes imcurious.....I just accept the fact that they are adults and that they WILL do what they want.....I don't say anything negative about it, because I know if I do the chances of them coming to me if they need help will be less....I will usually put it at the back of my mind and not dwell on it because I realize there is little I can say or do to change things....I have too much going on in my own life to get all upset about what someone else is doing wrong in theirs.
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Old 05-08-2012, 07:56 PM
 
5,546 posts, read 8,856,203 times
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When I first read your question, I was thinking of where I live and what is going on. Unfortunately, being shunned is really having a negative impact on me. I lived for over eight years in my last house and people would at least say hello when I said hello. Not so here.

I guess the only advice I can offer is to detach from the outcome. Do the best you can and then do the Buddhist thing. If you can't do the Buddhist thing then find a Buddhist temple or people who practice this to learn how to do it. Sorry, that's the best I've got as I have a tendency to let things get to me.
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Old 05-09-2012, 03:18 PM
 
Location: FL
1,727 posts, read 2,243,080 times
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It depends on how you are defining "impact you". If their choices are impacting you simply because you don't agree with their life choices and you have a negative opinion about it and you think that their behavior reflects poorly on your family - then you need to get over it and realize that everyone has to make their own choices and live their own life!

If you mean that they are stealing your money, invading your home, abusing you are any of your loved ones, then I would say you need to be more pro-active and get them out of you life.

The answer depends on the situation.
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Old 05-09-2012, 03:21 PM
 
Location: Texas
44,246 posts, read 54,822,568 times
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I think you have to practice this, but you have to let go.

I mean, when it's bothering you, just turn off that emotion. Let it go. Just stop caring.

The feelings might come back a few times, but just block them when they do.

It's a skill. You just have to let some things go.

You'll be a lot happier in the long run if you acquire this skill.
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Old 05-09-2012, 07:32 PM
 
18,847 posts, read 32,738,663 times
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It is easier to detach from a parent or sister/brother than a child. My Mom's, actions, while annoying...don't have the power to depress me...like the actions of my kids. I watched one of my sons...just go down a path that cut me to the core. I was literally tormented. How to let go? I did not. I just kept functioning....that is all you can do...

Good news....he realized his life was a disaster....when his parents would not bail him out of jail. Or give him a place to live, or money, or a car when he was making bad choices. He straightened up....
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Old 05-09-2012, 11:44 PM
 
5,703 posts, read 16,734,263 times
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"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."

Now I am not religious by any means but I really like the serenity prayer. It makes sense to me. I tend to feel deeply and I also tend to be the "go to" person when people are feeling down. What bogs me down is I offer advice and the person does the complete freaking opposite. Then calls me up again to help fix their new issue or cry to me about the decision they made. Then it stresses me out. Finding the wisdom to know the difference is a learned skill that takes time. You can care about someone but ultimately the are going to make decisions you do not like or know is no good. For your own mental health, you have to step back and let the chips fall where they may.
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Old 05-09-2012, 11:55 PM
 
4,043 posts, read 3,096,369 times
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"On other days I get angry in a different way and can detach . . .but then I cycle back to sadness and despair . . .can't seem to get to a space where I can accept that this person is making their own choices and there is nothing I can do about it AND be happy in my life at the same time."


I've been in this situation where and it took me many years (am in my fifties, now) to realize that it was in my incessant thinking about this person's actions that I was being tormented. This person was a stress to others around him but it was stressing me as I thought about what I could do, or not do...etc. etc....in an endless cycle.

I had to find peace while I watched this person continually. I realized that I needed to put distance between us. No, couldn't do that so finally! it dawned on me that the distance needed to be between me and my constant thinking about it all.

I discovered and finally gave a mental/observational exercise a try and I've never stopped using it. It's free, forever...to be used right here, but I did order a hardcopy of it, and now don't need either of them. It's something I just sit in a chair when home alone, or am the only one awake, and do. It's second nature now.

Here it is....no strings attached and at not one penny's cost. This works for civilians and military. You'll see the image of a military man here. The way I think of it, war is hell and many times life is, too. No wonder it's for all of us.

Coping Strategies CD


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Old 05-10-2012, 09:42 AM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 11,233,891 times
Reputation: 8956
I didn't see the free option on the link . . .

My thinking is part of the problem . . .I tend to dream about the problems too, so that doesn't help. In the worst times, I just have a really sick feeling all of the time . . . just sad that the person is making bad choices . . .or in fear that they are making the choices and will not like the consequences or don't seem to understand that they are creating consequences they won't like . . .I don't know why but it sickens me to the core of my being . . .
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