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Old 05-09-2012, 05:30 PM
 
Location: Mississippi
1,248 posts, read 1,875,186 times
Reputation: 2495

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I am very sorry that you are dealing with all of this. I really encourage you to look into community mental health centers where they help people with little or no income, or perhaps there is a support group in your area that you are not aware of yet. You are dealing with a lot, and the depression that you are suffering is evident in your posts. Please try to find some counseling that you can receive in your area. I know that it seems like you are alone in this, but I can guarantee that there are many people out there going through the same thing. Everyone here has given you some good advice, and I don't think anyone thinks less of you because of your "secret." We all have secrets. Good luck.

 
Old 05-09-2012, 05:42 PM
 
Location: In a state of denial
1,289 posts, read 2,724,773 times
Reputation: 942
You've had your whole life to get used to the transgender issues you have. Your wife has not. In fact, it sounds as if she was blindsided by this. She needs a support group of other wives/Significant others of trans people. I sent you a DM about where she can go. I think once her issues are dealt with yours will be an easier path.

Good luck~
 
Old 05-09-2012, 06:15 PM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,663 posts, read 4,676,153 times
Reputation: 3054
Quote:
Originally Posted by chuck_steak View Post
You've had your whole life to get used to the transgender issues you have. Your wife has not. In fact, it sounds as if she was blindsided by this. She needs a support group of other wives/Significant others of trans people. I sent you a DM about where she can go. I think once her issues are dealt with yours will be an easier path.

Good luck~
She needs help, but she won't. She will not involve herself in anything pertaining to "gender issues". She's not disgusted by it, but definitely disturbed and it has destroyed her trust. Almost a year later and she can't let go of the anger. She's said that she'd rather I'd cheated on her, to put it into perspective.
 
Old 05-09-2012, 08:17 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,545 posts, read 18,213,296 times
Reputation: 16829
Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonborn View Post
She needs help, but she won't. She will not involve herself in anything pertaining to "gender issues". She's not disgusted by it, but definitely disturbed and it has destroyed her trust. Almost a year later and she can't let go of the anger. She's said that she'd rather I'd cheated on her, to put it into perspective.
Letting go of anger is one of the hardest things anyone will ever have to do. It's easy to bury it even when you *think* your over it. My husband did something which deserved all the anger it created, and over ten years later I'm still wresling with it. The man will never be forgiven, (in terms of it being an excuse as some make forgiveness) but as I try to put my life back together after a LONG wait since I wasn't ready, I finally begin to realize that his deeds are his. For me to fly free from them I have to let them and him go.

My guess is that your wife is feeling that somehow she was trivialized, that your issues meant she did not mean to you what she believed she did. The thing is there is nothing you can say, especially a year later, to change that anger until she's willing to look inside her and see what's there. I look back and see so much I didn't now. I'm sure there were things she saw which didn't fit but they didn't fit her perception and they got filtered out. If she chooses she'll eventually see that, but that isn't your job. It's hers. It's a lot easier to just be angry. It can be fufilling and simple. It's hard to be willing to look at the day by day and redefine it. You obvioulsy had a relationship, and it meant something to you. Now its not seen through the same filter and some are never willing to go there.

I think for you the really powerful thing is you came out in screename and told your secret. You aren't sitting alone with it now. Maybe we don't know you personally but we know you. And I think you'll find most who have typed back and forth will wish you nothing but peace and something which fufills you. But like with your wife, its your job to figure out what this is. It's good advise to pick one thing which really matters, like your job, right now and make it the center. It's something which you can exert control over. Maybe not huge amounts, but it belongs to you. Your wife's emotions don't. Your parents belong to them. And its your physical survival.

I will suggest starting a journal. Hand write it. Write something everyday, be it a paragraph, a line or ten pages. Part of the content is how you hold the pen, how you write the words, and just let them flow. No theme, no goal. Just buy a spiral notebook. The act of writing itself is opening a door to what's inside and unless you let it out you'll never get past things.

You know what it is you want to be, somewhere inside you. You are the only one who can find it. Maybe it will come as a lightening moment, or maybe it will slowly slip together. But use the resources you have out there too. Don't do it for your wife or anyone else but you.

Being different is not a kind thing in this society. It doesn't matter what way your different. But in all of them, the real empowerment is accepting that you are unique and its okay to be that way. That isn't easy. But its the way out of the hole you dig for yourself when you don't.

Start on your journey by just letting your mind free, with music or whatever works best, and see where it takes you. But when dragonborn told the people on this forum his secret the door was opened. What I feel for you is joy in that you were willing to reach out.

I don't share you specific issue, but I'm a round peg and it was the day I decided I was done pretending otherwise, even if there were concequences, that I could face the anger and all the other baggage even if its a long process. It's small steps and sometimes smaller and harder bumps in the road, but its worth it.
 
Old 05-09-2012, 08:21 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
18,240 posts, read 18,831,104 times
Reputation: 45464
Dear Dragonborn,

Hang in there. I think that you will be surprised at how society is changing. There are several transgendered teens at my local high school (I'm a substitute teacher). I have observed much more understanding and less difficulties than when my daughter's best friend came out as transgendered in the same high school just 10 years ago.

Society in general is much more knowledgeable than even a few years ago.

People care about you and wish you well. germaine2626
 
Old 05-10-2012, 05:44 AM
 
Location: St. Louis
9,959 posts, read 17,866,530 times
Reputation: 14246
Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonborn View Post
I can admit that this is the root cause of all the depression, running away, suicidal ideation and even the anxiety. Many of the other bad things that happened in my life are either directly or indirectly a result of this. It's not a joke, it's not fun; it's a curse and part of me just wants to continue trying to bury it, even if that leads to the worst case scenario. I truly admire people who were able to successfully transition and lead happier lives, but that can never be me.
You know, this is what I meant by never say never. Why not just leave yourself open to what may turn up? As Germaine said, society is a lot more open to gender issues than it ever has been before, so why not just go with the flow and see where it takes you? I mean, I can see your point--the sorts of things you see in the media can be rather offputting, and you may have it in your head that you will have to fit into some sort of "lifestyle" but that's not really true--no one can just stick you off into some category, any more than they have that power over any of us. I think that the reason my ex took so long to come out was b/c he didn't want the gay lifestyle and all that goes with it but he has found his balance and discovered almost too late that he didn't have to go that route. You don't either.

Some societies are truly more open than ours. When I went to Thailand a few years ago, there were many men who dressed as "ladyboys." They did this as little or as much as they wanted and some totally looked like women and others just wore lipstick. I'm not making fun of you but pointing out that there are many ways of being a human.

There are also many ways of feeling about this, and it's sad that your wife is feeling the way she is--I personally would have felt worse if my ex had had an affair, so we're all different. If you feel comfortable putting her in touch with me, feel free to do so.
 
Old 05-10-2012, 09:01 AM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,663 posts, read 4,676,153 times
Reputation: 3054
Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
You know, this is what I meant by never say never. Why not just leave yourself open to what may turn up? As Germaine said, society is a lot more open to gender issues than it ever has been before, so why not just go with the flow and see where it takes you? I mean, I can see your point--the sorts of things you see in the media can be rather offputting, and you may have it in your head that you will have to fit into some sort of "lifestyle" but that's not really true--no one can just stick you off into some category, any more than they have that power over any of us. I think that the reason my ex took so long to come out was b/c he didn't want the gay lifestyle and all that goes with it but he has found his balance and discovered almost too late that he didn't have to go that route. You don't either.

Some societies are truly more open than ours. When I went to Thailand a few years ago, there were many men who dressed as "ladyboys." They did this as little or as much as they wanted and some totally looked like women and others just wore lipstick. I'm not making fun of you but pointing out that there are many ways of being a human.

There are also many ways of feeling about this, and it's sad that your wife is feeling the way she is--I personally would have felt worse if my ex had had an affair, so we're all different. If you feel comfortable putting her in touch with me, feel free to do so.
Thank you. There's nothing I can do about my wife. She's not going to help me or help herself though this. She is addicted to the internet and we hardly speak. When she has "bad" days or weeks, she shuts down or is rude to me, then boom...she unleashes on me and reminds me of what happened.

It's a missed opportunity. With a bit of support and guidance in my early teens, changes could have been made then. Ironically, I needed testosterone injections to help speed up puberty. I didn't look particularly male or female well into my late teens. Too late now.

Other stuff is very wrong too. I can't hack this job. I turn into a blabbering mess of anxiety whenever I have to speak to anyone. They've pushed an impossible project on me that I cannot do; something that no one else wanted. I am miserable there, shoved in a cubicle. My anxiety level is so high that I can't even concentrate.

When people say "it can't get worse", it's actually going to get a whole lot worse as I will most likely end up homeless. This crappy temp assignment is going to end soon anyway and despite months of looking, I cannot find a job here.

The fact of the matter is that this isn't going to end well. I have no motivation left, nor do I have the energy.

Lost, scared and out of ideas.
 
Old 05-10-2012, 09:49 AM
 
15,246 posts, read 17,409,994 times
Reputation: 25475
Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonborn View Post
Thank you. There's nothing I can do about my wife. She's not going to help me or help herself though this. She is addicted to the internet and we hardly speak. When she has "bad" days or weeks, she shuts down or is rude to me, then boom...she unleashes on me and reminds me of what happened.

It's a missed opportunity. With a bit of support and guidance in my early teens, changes could have been made then. Ironically, I needed testosterone injections to help speed up puberty. I didn't look particularly male or female well into my late teens. Too late now.

Other stuff is very wrong too. I can't hack this job. I turn into a blabbering mess of anxiety whenever I have to speak to anyone. They've pushed an impossible project on me that I cannot do; something that no one else wanted. I am miserable there, shoved in a cubicle. My anxiety level is so high that I can't even concentrate.

When people say "it can't get worse", it's actually going to get a whole lot worse as I will most likely end up homeless. This crappy temp assignment is going to end soon anyway and despite months of looking, I cannot find a job here.

The fact of the matter is that this isn't going to end well. I have no motivation left, nor do I have the energy.

Lost, scared and out of ideas.
You really do need to see if you can contact some sort of support group. Just because you're out of ideas doesn't mean that there aren't options. You're exhausted, anxious and confused, so no wonder you can't plan your next step. Let someone help you figure that out. It's not too late for you to be who you want to be.

Your wife sounds like a lost cause, at least for now, and as sad as that makes you, you can't fix her. You didn't set out to harm her. She's going to have to do her own work to figure out what to do next.

The root of all your issues is your the fact that you feel like a woman in a man's body. That's a physical/medical issue, beyond your control, but not impossible to address. If you can get on top of that, everything else will fall into place for you. Please contact an LGBT support group as soon as possible.
 
Old 05-10-2012, 09:51 AM
 
Location: Love, Epicenter
399 posts, read 522,347 times
Reputation: 385
Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonborn View Post
Thank you. There's nothing I can do about my wife. She's not going to help me or help herself though this. She is addicted to the internet and we hardly speak. When she has "bad" days or weeks, she shuts down or is rude to me, then boom...she unleashes on me and reminds me of what happened.

It's a missed opportunity. With a bit of support and guidance in my early teens, changes could have been made then. Ironically, I needed testosterone injections to help speed up puberty. I didn't look particularly male or female well into my late teens. Too late now.

Other stuff is very wrong too. I can't hack this job. I turn into a blabbering mess of anxiety whenever I have to speak to anyone. They've pushed an impossible project on me that I cannot do; something that no one else wanted. I am miserable there, shoved in a cubicle. My anxiety level is so high that I can't even concentrate.

When people say "it can't get worse", it's actually going to get a whole lot worse as I will most likely end up homeless. This crappy temp assignment is going to end soon anyway and despite months of looking, I cannot find a job here.

The fact of the matter is that this isn't going to end well. I have no motivation left, nor do I have the energy.

Lost, scared and out of ideas.
You're wired up right now and in between a rock and a hard place. I know you're overwhelmed with all of this but please hang in there and concentrate on one thing that is within your control. You're spiraling in your head with all the things that are going wrong and that's further increasing your anxiety and leaving you crippled. I feel if your wife wants to go, let her go because right now the two of you really can't handle being together and that's only amplifying the issues you both already had going in. She's escaping her issues using the internet and neither of you are facing your realities right now. For you, your realities are now forcing you to look.

Your anxiety is pulling out more of your energy because you're focused on a lot of the things outside of you. I hope you don't think I'm attacking you because I'm not. I am asking you to pick one thing you can control (doing the project) and focus on that. You still have a choice. Start at a small place because you're right, it's possible that all of this will go "down the crapper", but that doesn't mean it's the end of your life. Where there's life, there's hope. Focus on that project you have going on because right now that is within your control. Not that you wanted to do the project, but that you can simply allow yourself to do your best. I know you hate talking to people and I imagine it's even worse at your job? But ask one person for help even if you have an anxiety attack because with this project in particular, unless you ask someone on here for assistance, we can't...

Please hang in there. Sometimes we have to hit skid row before we can pick ourselves up again.
 
Old 05-10-2012, 10:05 AM
 
1,512 posts, read 1,616,614 times
Reputation: 579
Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonborn View Post
I can admit that this is the root cause of all the depression, running away, suicidal ideation and even the anxiety.
I don't know anything about your struggles with sexual identity because I've never suffered any; insecure people might say that I'm as nasty as I want to be. I don't feel that my propensities are too much or too little; they just are. However, I have gone crazy-- backwards k krazy-- and returned.

It's from that perspective that I'd like to understand: why have you concluded that all of your psychological problems stem from sexuality rather than the guilt that you previously mentioned? I ask because I have no sexual issues that interrupt my life, yet I had suffered all the angst that you do, but I found that my values that resulted in me experiencing guilt were the cause.

Last edited by The Homogenizer; 05-10-2012 at 10:18 AM..
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