So, you have a secret. Who doesn't?
Want to talk about it? Let's talk.
Don't want to talk about? Fine too. It's up to you.
Therapy wold be great for both, you and your wife. Sometimes it does take a third party to point out things that need to be worked on (regardless of where your relationship is at this point).
I understand you can't afford a therapist. So this place is your next best thing. Most of us are not therapists or shrinks, but we have some clever thoughts and lots of compassion, and it sounds as if you can really use some compassion and empathy at this point.
What would make you feel just a little bit better emotionally? (alcohol doesn't count, it's a temporary relief, but is actually a depressant, in case you didn't know).
Obviously, there is a load of problems you are dealing with and they cannot be all resolved overnight. My approach in such situations: baby steps. Is your relationship with your wife over? Would you fells better if you moved out? Yes, you can't afford an apartment, but how about a room for now? Be someone's roommate or find a rooming house, where you can rent a room and pay weekly.
Break up your pile of problems into smaller parts and deal with each a little at a time. I read that you don't like your job, but keep it at least for a little while and look for a better one.
And I'll say something else, you may not like it, but I feel my European upbringing and lots of experience dealing with bunch of drunks in my life
entitles me
to say: stop drinking. Not only will you not get out of depression while drinking, because, as I pointed out already, alcohol IS a depressant, but it is also a money drainer, a huge demotivator and a big health risk.
Worried about your secret? Do you know any of the posters here personally? I don't. You are anonymous. Use it to your advantage.
Change your nickname of you have to. Whatever helps.
But trust me on this:
this too shall pass. Read it again slowly and start repeating like a mantra - this too shall pass...
I will not go into details, let's just say I can relate to some of your problems. And I know it feels like the end of the world right now, but it is the higher power that pushes you in the right direction, in the direction of being yourself. You may have had easier ways to deal with this earlier in your life, but maybe you weren't brave enough (I know I wasn't when I was younger), so a lot accumulated, things piled up and now you have yourself a knot that can't be easily untied anymore, it can only be cut with a sword. Been there, done that. This is the price we pay for trying to fit into a country/society/religion/family (pick one or all) that is very judgmental. At the end one gets so depressed, the suicidal thoughts become norm. Ask me how I know
This is the time when you have to decide: "get busy living or get busy dying" ("Shawshank Redemption", one of my favorite movies).
I've chosen living. I knew the consequences of "cutting the knot" would be horrendous, but I just couldn't live my old life anymore, I couldn't pretend everything was fine, so I had to make some changes. And death, I've decided, wasn't an option. That would've been too convenient for some ugly people from my past. So initially, I went on just to p*** them off
. The inner strength I never suspected I had in me, showed up out of nowhere. So find a motivator and the rest will sort itself out.
Was is hard? Was it painful? Did some people simply disappeared from my life? Yes, yes and yes.
But you know what I told myself? The people who truly love me will love me anyway, and the ones who didn't never will, no matter what I do to please them. I was right. I am sad to report that I most did not pass "true" friend test, but the ones that did I've been friends with for over a decade and nothing changed in our friendships, they were there for me when I needed them, and later in life, I was there for them when they needed my help. Was it a happy ending? Hardly. Some "things" that I've lost, I will never be able to get back. And yes, there is still some guilt even after all these years.
But do I regret my decision to turn my life upside down? No. I've been through a lot of emotional pain because of that, but I am a happier much more content person today. If I left everything as is, I doubt I've made another year.
I wish I was less naive about how cruel some people in my life turn out to be, and how different society looks from the "other" side but that's semantics
.
I am better and much stronger person today than I was then. My emotional wounds have healed. Time IS the best doctor/medicine.
If you want my advise: get busy living.
I wish you all the best and I send you love.
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. It doesn't really sound like a good one to be in though. I don't know why you can't stock around. Nobody knows your secret, really, because we don't actually know you.
