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I admire your courage for bringing your story out in the open. Even if it's "only" here on the forum, it still takes a lot of guts to take this step.
The simple fact that you're communicating about this, will help you - even if it's only a tiny little bit. I've been in one hell of a depression myself, been admitted in a psychiatric hospital for four months and the one truly essential thing I learned there is this: communication is key. Talk like you've never talked before, admit that you are what you are, and you will find people that will appreciate you, respect you and see you for who you are.
I admit this is easier said than done. I couldn't do it myself half a year ago, absolutely impossible, I needed professional help to clear the darkness out of my mind. I really hope, even despite the financial problems (I've had my share of those as well), that you will look for and find help.
Anyway, the only thing I can really do here is say: you're not alone. You never are. Don't lose heart.
I admire your courage for bringing your story out in the open. Even if it's "only" here on the forum, it still takes a lot of guts to take this step.
The simple fact that you're communicating about this, will help you - even if it's only a tiny little bit. I've been in one hell of a depression myself, been admitted in a psychiatric hospital for four months and the one truly essential thing I learned there is this: communication is key. Talk like you've never talked before, admit that you are what you are, and you will find people that will appreciate you, respect you and see you for who you are.
I admit this is easier said than done. I couldn't do it myself half a year ago, absolutely impossible, I needed professional help to clear the darkness out of my mind. I really hope, even despite the financial problems (I've had my share of those as well), that you will look for and find help.
Anyway, the only thing I can really do here is say: you're not alone. You never are. Don't lose heart.
You and I have been in similar positions and I thank you for sharing. The money thing kind of makes it harder here to get treatment. I don't even know if I'll have a roof over my head in a few months (or maybe weeks).
As for the problem; I simply cannot even remotely entertain any idea of "change". It's stil seen as a form of mental illness and the last thing I want to do is draw attention to myself. Some people do and lead happy lives. More power to them and if only society were more tolerant. I could lock it away more effectively if the rest of my life hadn't gone to ****.
I am more worried about what this has done to my wife.
You and how many others?? This issue is no longer hidden away...it is discussed, written about, shared...some even talk about their experiences on tv or news. (I do know how it feels to have a secret that is "shameful" btw).
Interestingly, I watched a documentary recently on hulu.com
Titled "Agressive"...about young women who are gay but feel the need/want to dress/act like men.
They appeared to be totally self-accepting and happy...which would be a major goal, I assume...
Finding a way to talk with others in your situation would be helpful...maybe a group online, as suggested in an earlier post.
Not everyone is rigid and judgemental! So how about this...
You and I have been in similar positions and I thank you for sharing. The money thing kind of makes it harder here to get treatment. I don't even know if I'll have a roof over my head in a few months (or maybe weeks).
As for the problem; I simply cannot even remotely entertain any idea of "change". It's stil seen as a form of mental illness and the last thing I want to do is draw attention to myself. Some people do and lead happy lives. More power to them and if only society were more tolerant. I could lock it away more effectively if the rest of my life hadn't gone to ****.
I am more worried about what this has done to my wife.
You still love your wife and you haven't done anything to her. It's clear you wouldn't hurt her for the world and you have no control over the fact that you feel like you're a woman in a man's body. I understand your wife being upset, but she'll have to accept the fact that you didn't "do" anything to her. You tried your best to make everything good for everyone but some things are simply out of your control. She's going to have to accept that and move on.
Go to the list you made in your OP and see if there's one thing you can work on now. I know you hate your job, but maybe you can just resolve to stay there for a year. Don't give yourself the option of leaving it yet because you need some sort of income, so just stop thinking about changing jobs for now.
You can't afford therapy, but there are LGBT groups out there with people you can talk to about what's going on. At least you won't feel so lonely and people who have been through this may have valuable advice and insight. You need help right now so ask for it.
Don't leave C-D because you're worried about your anonymity. None of us know you IRL and if we did, we'd still care about you.
Take lots of deep breaths, use the resources you have, and just get through a day at a time. You've been struggling with this issue since you were a kid. You're entitled to be who you are and it's time to take baby steps to get to a place where you can feel relaxed and peaceful.
Sorry to hear that you're going through all of this. As a gay male, I can relate to your feelings of feeling out of place in society, difficulty with family, etc. I came out when I was 19 years of age, and it took about a year for my parents to get over the trauma, despite their supposed "open mindedness." It was okay for other children to be gay, just not their son...
Like others have said on this thread - just try and focus on a little bit at a time, like ditching the alcohol. I've been enslaved to the bottle in the past, and believe me, it helps a LOT to be free of that ball-and-chain. See if you can work out some sort of shared living arrangement with your wife, at least until you have enough saved up to move to your own place (be it a room, studio apt, etc.) And look for another job now, while you've still got your current one, as well as getting as much exercise as you possibly can. Doing "practical" tasks such as these will help take your mind off your larger, seemingly insurmountable problems. And most of all, do not worry about what others think of you - that's the very last thing you need to worry about right now. Sure, there is a lot of pressure to conform in this country, but if you ask me, I don't give a crap of what others think of me....lol. You need to do what's best for YOU, and let others worry about their own problems.
You may be surprised, there are more folks with your problem than you realize. I don't know the size of town you live in...but if there is a LBGT community there, they usually have free support groups.
It's tough. But remember, life does turn around for some people. You may be one of them, you never know.
I have a brother and a cousin who had no future (or so it felt), but somehow, life turned around and they're doing great now.
Good luck. This life is a tough journey. Especially when you don't have a good match when it came to picking a body to live in.
You have to convince yourself FIRST that you are ok, and then life in your mind will get easier for you. All of a us have a mix of male/female energy/characteristics. Some of the guys are more feminine than normal and some of the women are more masculine than normal. We can't really rely on a body shape and organs to tell us who we are. We are who we are, no matter what suit we are temporarily wearing.
AND DON'T BLAME YOURSELF! How is it your fault? You did the best you could. You did not have a say in the matter, in your feelings, in your state of being. Do not make the mistake and absort people's accusations into yourself and turn it into guilt. You are a victim of a mismatch. You are not at fault. And yes, your wife is poor because of this. But so are many other people when something unfortunate happens to them. Some are left without their homes, some are left without their husbands (death)... but it's not your fault that she has to go through this and you have to go through this. It's life and it happens to all of us. We just have to get through it somehow, just focus on surviving.
Hillary Duff, "Someone's watching over me"
I found myself today
Oh, I found myself and ran away
But something pulled me back
The voice of reason I forgot I had
All I know is you're not here to say
What you always used to say
But it's written in the sky tonight
[Chorus]
So I won't give up, no I won't break down Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me
I've seen that ray of light
And it's shining on my destiny
Shining all the time, and I won't be afraid
To follow everywhere it's taking me
All I know is yesterday is gone
And right now I belong
To this moment, to my dreams
[Chorus]
It doesn't matter what people say
And it doesn't matter how long it takes
Believe in yourself and you'll fly high
And it only matters how true you are
Be true to yourself and follow your heart
So I won't give up, no I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
[Chorus]
Someone's watching over
Someone's watching over
Someone's watching over me
Yeah, oh, oh,
Someone's watching over me
Last edited by LoveWisdom; 05-09-2012 at 01:39 PM..
To the OP: I don't remember if you mentioned anything about your parents. Are they people you might be able to talk to about this? I mean, maybe you never have, but if you have a relationship with them and they're at all open-minded then I think it's a possibility you should consider.
I don't believe that you have a mental illness, though the fall-out from this must surely make you feel as if you do. I wish you and your wife the best. I'm assuming that you are willing to stay married and try to work things out but your wife can't do this? Maybe it will just take time for her to come to terms with this. I remember when my ex came out gay I had to change my whole view of him but eventually it stabilized. Of course we got a divorce b/c he wanted to date men and I couldn't stay married under those circumstances. One thing that made it so much easier for me was knowing that it was not personal. If it had been another woman, I'da kilt em both, but it was deeper than that and had nothing to do with me. This is different I know, but has similarities to my situation. In our case, my ex wanted to date men. Is that true in your case or would you be a gay woman if you were to go through the process? I'm not being silly--many folks would rather changes sexes and be gay than to stay the same and be straight. Doesn't make sense to a lot of people but it does to me. I'd say that's probably at the heart of what your wife is grappling with and if you guys could find a support group, I strongly suggest it, and I'd say that if you can get out and talk to as many people as possible (this forum was a good start), and keep an open mind, as in never say never, you may get to a place that you can live with yourself, whatever you end up choosing. I"m willing to bet that you'll get a DM from at least one person on here and that will be a good start. And please lose the shame--easier said than done I know but it's no longer useful to you.
- wife wants divorce and is making my life hell (I'll explain why in a sec)
- virtually no savings left
- my job is unbearable and I'm sick of being the "temp"
- no family or friends to turn to (not that I would leech)
- don't have the money to even move out down the street
- don't want to be homeless.
- no motivation left to carry on
- reason for wife wanting divorce: a meltdown I had last year due to some gender issues that I have been struggling with
- feel sick, tired, anxious and out of place every day
- can't afford a therapist
- drink to numb the pain as you couldn't cut the tension at home with a knife
- soon to be ex wife keeps bringing up what happened last year and is also very depressed (regardless of what happens between us, I am scared that she'll harm herself)
- guilt, lots of guilt.
- tired
I have enjoyed my time on this forum but will most likely not be sticking around, especially now that you all know my "secret". Talk about being born with a curse, which even if I wanted to, I cannot act on.
Wow. That's quite a litany. Having read it three times, I can only tell you that from my POV, you have reached bottom. When that happens, there's nowhere else to go but up.
It's bound to get better because it doesn't sound like it can get any worse. But the first thing you have to do is quit drinking. When you sober up, the problem(s) are still there so drinking doesn't change a thing. Next, stop feeling guilty about somebody else's responsibility. I'm sorry that your wife is feeling pain, but she is the only one responsible for what she does with it.
I don't know how old you are, but you've held this in for a long time and now that you've let it out you should begin to heal. Seek help. Holding a good thought.
To the OP: I don't remember if you mentioned anything about your parents. Are they people you might be able to talk to about this? I mean, maybe you never have, but if you have a relationship with them and they're at all open-minded then I think it's a possibility you should consider.
I don't believe that you have a mental illness, though the fall-out from this must surely make you feel as if you do. I wish you and your wife the best. I'm assuming that you are willing to stay married and try to work things out but your wife can't do this? Maybe it will just take time for her to come to terms with this. I remember when my ex came out gay I had to change my whole view of him but eventually it stabilized. Of course we got a divorce b/c he wanted to date men and I couldn't stay married under those circumstances. One thing that made it so much easier for me was knowing that it was not personal. If it had been another woman, I'da kilt em both, but it was deeper than that and had nothing to do with me. This is different I know, but has similarities to my situation. In our case, my ex wanted to date men. Is that true in your case or would you be a gay woman if you were to go through the process? I'm not being silly--many folks would rather changes sexes and be gay than to stay the same and be straight. Doesn't make sense to a lot of people but it does to me. I'd say that's probably at the heart of what your wife is grappling with and if you guys could find a support group, I strongly suggest it, and I'd say that if you can get out and talk to as many people as possible (this forum was a good start), and keep an open mind, as in never say never, you may get to a place that you can live with yourself, whatever you end up choosing. I"m willing to bet that you'll get a DM from at least one person on here and that will be a good start. And please lose the shame--easier said than done I know but it's no longer useful to you.
I am not in touch with either of my parents or my family in general. My dad was absent for most of my life, I ceased contact with my mother for various reasons. Actually, I did tel her last year, but she was her usual dismissive self, in denial of so many glaringly obvious "signs" I displayed even at a young age (as with everything else, she didn't notice). I don't have anyone I can really turn to. I'm not saying that out of self-pity; it's just the truth.
I will most likely be divorcing. This is not cool for my wife. She won't accept it and is so hurt by it that she lashes out and reminds me of it. She wants a man; I can understand that.
This is actually quite difficult to put into words. Would I rather be a lesbian? I can't answer that. My sexuality seems to have got lost somewhere, being the wrong gender and all. I realised long ago that I don't look at women in terms of sexual attraction, but with an envy that is difficult to explain. I wanted girlfriends as a teenager, not really understanding that I wanted to be them rather than be with them. With regard to sexuality, I also have a low libido. I honestly don't know is my honest answer. I have felt a degree of attraction for both genders, albeit not necessarily sexual, but it was beyond "just friends".
I can admit that this is the root cause of all the depression, running away, suicidal ideation and even the anxiety. Many of the other bad things that happened in my life are either directly or indirectly a result of this. It's not a joke, it's not fun; it's a curse and part of me just wants to continue trying to bury it, even if that leads to the worst case scenario. I truly admire people who were able to successfully transition and lead happier lives, but that can never be me.
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This issue is no longer hidden away...it is discussed, written about, shared...some even talk about their experiences on tv or news. (I do know how it feels to have a secret that is "shameful" btw). 
WE ON CD MHF ACCEPT YOU AS YOU ARE! 
