U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Covid-19 Information Page
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Health and Wellness > Mental Health
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
Old 05-13-2012, 10:16 AM
Location: Beautiful hills
248 posts, read 411,847 times
Reputation: 506


Originally Posted by purehuman View Post
Molson1020...I wouldn't "shut her out of my life"...she's your sister...you love her?...I wouldn't hide the truth about this woman beater from the family either....maybe not bring it up...but when they notice your dislike for this man, and ask why...tell them then.....meanwhile, you may not want anything to do with this a$$hole, but for your sisters sake...be available and there for her if she needs you, even if it means biting the bullet and seeing him once in a while....there really is a lot of wisdom in the words someone wrote that go...."keep your friends close, but your enemies closer"...it's all about monitoring the situation Molson1020...goodluck in whatever you decide.
I agree.
Molson 1020, I answered you in another thread you started, but you provided more information here.
I would tell the immediate family if I were you. TELL YOUR FATHER.
One of the reasons your sister is staying is because she doesn't want to disappoint those who praise her.
Your sister is in love and we all know that love is blind.
I am guessing there is also a self-esteem issue as person with a healthy self-esteem would not stay in a relationship that is toxic.
Sadly, situations like this are never getting better, only worse. A lot worse.

So here's what I would do:
Tell all members of close family (in person, NOT through Facebook)
Be my sister's keeper. Be there for her. No judgement, just understanding and friendship.
I would tell her she can call me any time of day or night and I will be there if she needs me.
I would meet with a guy, and I would let him know that I know what he is and what he's done and if he ever touches my sister again, he is going to jail.
Convince my sister to seek therapy. Very often people would not take advice from family due to biases, but if a perfect stranger tells them the same thing, they listen.
Good like to you and your sister.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

Old 05-18-2012, 10:54 PM
Location: North Carolina
102 posts, read 286,334 times
Reputation: 221
One of my best friends was abused by a man. He raped her, beat her, verbally abused her, and controlled her every move. She claimed she was in love with him, and they were together for almost four years. The only reason she parted ways with him was because he got another girl pregnant, and had to leave my friend so that he could help the new girl raise his child. If that hadn't occurred, she would still be with him to this day. She was very serious about her plans to marry him, and move across the country to Washington State with him.

Now she is with a man who is about to graduate BLET and be a police officer. He is in many ways like the man who abused her. He treats her like a child, controls her money, tells her who she can hang out with and where she can go, forces her to clean her room and house when he's over because it's too messy, and dictates how almost everything will be. He isn't physically or verbally abusive, but he is controlling, manipulative, and power hungry.

The sad reality is that you cannot do anything about the situation you are facing. Those who are abused by their significant other rarely ever leave. It takes a special kind of person (one who is weak, in desperate need of love and attention, and willing to do anything to have a BF/GF) to be abused. You sister probably fits this bill. No amount of arguing, begging, pleading, reasoning, or warning her will make a difference. She won't leave that man until he leaves her, kills her, or beats her so badly that she is left permanently disabled. That's harsh, but, so often, it's reality.

The best thing you can do is try not to judge her, offer non-judgemental support, and be there for her. Listen to her, let her know you're available, tell her that you care, and support her. The first thing this man will do is attempt to isolate your sister. He will try and convince her that you and your family are jealous of their love, and simply want to tear them apart. He will tell her that she cannot have contact with any of you if she truly loves him.

I know exactly how this goes. The new man that my friend is with convinced her that I was selfish, stuck up, rude, and jealous of their love. He convinced her that I was a bad influence (I'm a third semester nursing student with a 3.8 GPA, a member of an international honor society, I was 400 points from a perfect score on the SAT, and I graduated high school 9 months early). He convinced her that I was trying to steal her from him (I'm not interested in her, I'm trying to pass nursing school). By the time he was done convincing her, she ignored me for weeks at a time, and when we did talk it was only brief.

After this had gone on for quite some time, I became angry. I had supported her during her other abusive relationship. I had picked her up at all hours of the night, sat with her in the hospital, lied to her parents with her to cover her boyfriend's hide, had her boyfriend threaten to severely injury or kill me, and so many other things. I had given her money after he stole hers, bought her food, nursed her wounds, banged cuts and scrapes, and talked to her at 3 and 4 AM even when I had to be up at 8 the next morning. I had been a great friend, and this was the thanks I was getting. I was being ignored, excluded, and treated like crap. Finally, I had enough of it, and I severed the relationship entirely.

Sadly, you cannot convince your sister to leave this man. She will not listen to you. As I said before, your role is now supportive. Hopefully she will eventually see the light and leave him. This will more than likely not happen. Also, if she does leave him, she may wind up with another man just like him. Women who are attracted to abusive men are usually that way all their lives. I'm so sorry to hear that you and your family are going through this. I know how hard it is to see someone you care about suffer needlessly. Good luck.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-28-2012, 09:39 PM
Location: Cartersville, GA
1,256 posts, read 3,067,690 times
Reputation: 1090
Originally Posted by jerseyj View Post
My brother took the guy into the driveway, beat the snot out of him... <snip>
This was clearly effective in this case, but it often backfires when the guy calls the police, and has the assailant arrested for battery or aggravated assault. Many times, perpetrators of domestic abuse are never prosecuted, because the victim is unwilling to tell the police what happened, and/or is unwilling testify truthfully against him in a trial. However, the perpetrator may be quite willing to testify against his girlfriend's family member if that person assaults him. Doing so may even estrange her from the family, making it easier for him to abuse her in the future. You can call the guy a "coward" for crying to the Police, but the jail time and criminal conviction are the same nonetheless.

Just my 2 cents.

As for the OP's question, others have said that there is little to nothing that can be done unless the victim decides that she needs to leave him. Getting her to realize this is the key. It is also very, very difficult to do.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.

Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Health and Wellness > Mental Health
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2020, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top