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Old 05-09-2012, 07:55 PM
 
65 posts, read 40,824 times
Reputation: 38

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I have a sister (four years younger than I) who has been seeing this guy for a good year now. We (my family) just found out that he physically abused her, bad enough to where the neighbors had to call the cops and she got sent to the hospital, and that there is a good chance this has happened more than once.

Of course everyone in my family urged her to leave him, but she wouldn't, and even quit talking to my mom and other sister because they kept begging her to. I personally have told her not to ever introduce me to this guy, that way I still have somewhat of a relationship with her.

Now it's gotten to the point where she is moving in with him, and she posting all these pictures on Facebook of their new place, and of course the rest of my family who doesn't know about the incident(s) are praising her and telling her how proud they are of her (one of them being my dad, who doesn't know). This is driving me nuts, because I feel like I'm lying to my close personal family by keeping this from them. I am almost tempted to just shut her out of my life because this is causing me so much stress.

Anyone have any advice or suggestions on how to handle this?
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Old 05-09-2012, 09:45 PM
 
2,845 posts, read 7,590,995 times
Reputation: 2907
Quote:
Originally Posted by Molson1020 View Post
I have a sister (four years younger than I) who has been seeing this guy for a good year now. We (my family) just found out that he physically abused her, bad enough to where the neighbors had to call the cops and she got sent to the hospital, and that there is a good chance this has happened more than once.

Of course everyone in my family urged her to leave him, but she wouldn't, and even quit talking to my mom and other sister because they kept begging her to. I personally have told her not to ever introduce me to this guy, that way I still have somewhat of a relationship with her.

Now it's gotten to the point where she is moving in with him, and she posting all these pictures on Facebook of their new place, and of course the rest of my family who doesn't know about the incident(s) are praising her and telling her how proud they are of her (one of them being my dad, who doesn't know). This is driving me nuts, because I feel like I'm lying to my close personal family by keeping this from them. I am almost tempted to just shut her out of my life because this is causing me so much stress.

Anyone have any advice or suggestions on how to handle this?


Something similar happened to our younger sister, it was years ago, before facebook.

My brother took the guy into the driveway, beat the snot out of him, told him to take off and leave our sister alone.
Batterers are usually huge cowards! Count on that!

He never came back, she went on to get her degree, good job, married a successful, loving guy and is happy today.

Time for the family to come together.
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Old 05-09-2012, 09:51 PM
 
18,847 posts, read 32,734,693 times
Reputation: 26171
Go ahead...tell. it will create drama. I doubt it will change anything.
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Old 05-09-2012, 11:37 PM
 
5,703 posts, read 16,732,157 times
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In my experience you have to wait until the person realizes the situation is bad for them. Some women feel that being abused offers some sort of excitement or passion to the relationship. Usually the abuser uses the lines of "I love you so much this is why I act this way.." blah blah. The more family tries to intervene the more desirable the abuser seems. The sad part is that a lot of the time the abuser convinces the person to cut off family and they do so, to keep the peace.
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Old 05-10-2012, 10:46 AM
 
Location: USA
1,589 posts, read 1,797,742 times
Reputation: 1630
Quote:
Originally Posted by Molson1020 View Post
I have a sister (four years younger than I) who has been seeing this guy for a good year now. We (my family) just found out that he physically abused her, bad enough to where the neighbors had to call the cops and she got sent to the hospital, and that there is a good chance this has happened more than once.

Of course everyone in my family urged her to leave him, but she wouldn't, and even quit talking to my mom and other sister because they kept begging her to. I personally have told her not to ever introduce me to this guy, that way I still have somewhat of a relationship with her.

Now it's gotten to the point where she is moving in with him, and she posting all these pictures on Facebook of their new place, and of course the rest of my family who doesn't know about the incident(s) are praising her and telling her how proud they are of her (one of them being my dad, who doesn't know). This is driving me nuts, because I feel like I'm lying to my close personal family by keeping this from them. I am almost tempted to just shut her out of my life because this is causing me so much stress.

Anyone have any advice or suggestions on how to handle this?
Please don't misunderstand what I am going to say. I am trying to see if from a different perspective:

So, psychologically speaking, the family and you are suffering because of this because this situation is making you feel bad/bringing you pain. So you want her to do what you want instead of what she wants because if she does what you want, it will make all of you feel much better.

If a son wants to enlist in an army and consequently die there, obviously it would cause pain to a mother and obviously she would not want him to enlist.

When a child wants to go to Africa to evangelize people, parents might be against that because a child may get hurt (and most likely will).

If the sister is unwilling to change, try to see this situation as the ones above. It's her calling. It's something that she is choosing to do. She obviously doesn't mind getting hurt (as much as you guys mind it on her behalf)

So you could be like a mother whose son enlisted in the army. You will probably have to suffer when you hear the news of bad and pain.

OR you could shield yourself from pain and distance yourself from your sister. It's your choice. She is choosing the road of pain. And if you don't want to choose that road, it's your choice to distance yourself. Or it's your choice to be a "stronger mother" who can take it when the people bring her a note of her son's death.

But remember, there are many dangerous jobs out there that people choose to do everyday. And so what is their family to do then?

Maybe if you see it as a very dangerous job, maybe it would help you cope?

Some people become trainers of tigers, but they always risk getting injured. Maybe you can see it like that. Just don't see her as a victim. She knows what she is doing just like a trainer of a tiger knows that he could get hurt. See her as a trainer who CHOSE that road.

As far as telling your family, I really don't know... It would bring more pain and fear to your family once they find out...
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Old 05-10-2012, 11:02 AM
 
Location: Love, Epicenter
399 posts, read 522,180 times
Reputation: 385
My family are in the exact same situation as your sister and your family at this point. She doesn't want to leave and when confronted she states that we don't understand and that she's trying to save her marriage. She also has family members who are supporting her decision to stay, discouraging her from leaving and suggesting that instead they see a marriage counselor.

My family is up in arms because it seems to be getting progressively worse but after years of trying to get her to leave and years of having her talk to us and then distance from us for a time, having her leave him and then returning, I feel they're finally coming to see that you can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to do. She has to come to this decision to leave on her own and at this point all you can do is remain open to her in the event that she does decide to make the decision so that you can help her to escape. Pushing her and trying to pry her out of his grip will only make her fight you and push you away and you don't want that.

So stay open to her if she wants help and communicate this to her without pushing for her to leave because you can't make her do that.

I hope everything goes well for you, your sister, and your family.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Molson1020 View Post
I have a sister (four years younger than I) who has been seeing this guy for a good year now. We (my family) just found out that he physically abused her, bad enough to where the neighbors had to call the cops and she got sent to the hospital, and that there is a good chance this has happened more than once.

Of course everyone in my family urged her to leave him, but she wouldn't, and even quit talking to my mom and other sister because they kept begging her to. I personally have told her not to ever introduce me to this guy, that way I still have somewhat of a relationship with her.

Now it's gotten to the point where she is moving in with him, and she posting all these pictures on Facebook of their new place, and of course the rest of my family who doesn't know about the incident(s) are praising her and telling her how proud they are of her (one of them being my dad, who doesn't know). This is driving me nuts, because I feel like I'm lying to my close personal family by keeping this from them. I am almost tempted to just shut her out of my life because this is causing me so much stress.

Anyone have any advice or suggestions on how to handle this?
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Old 05-10-2012, 11:36 AM
 
Location: Kansas
19,184 posts, read 15,737,395 times
Reputation: 18313
No one will be able to help her until she realizes she needs help and hopefully, that won't be too late. These are the kind of guys who just "love" (actually have no clue what that means) their "woman", sometimes to death. Here in KS, if someone calls the police on a domestic issue, no one has to press charges anymore in order for it to be dealt with which is an improvement so I'm not sure what your state does. No one can help her. I would probably distance myself from the situation after telling her she needs counseling before she ends up dead and that if they have children together, she'll get to watch him beat the kids up too. If they get counseling together, I'm guessing they would also need separate counseling because it is not a relationship problem but anger management on his part and probably low self-esteem on her part. I'm sorry this is happening.
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Old 05-10-2012, 02:02 PM
 
1,512 posts, read 1,616,126 times
Reputation: 579
Quote:
Originally Posted by Molson1020 View Post
Anyone have any advice or suggestions on how to handle this?
I'm with DayLight. While I was reading your post, I was thinking,"There's something in this family so wild that this girl has gotten herself into this type of relationship? No wonder she'll not listen to the mother."

In my opinion, you would do best for her by living the best life you can for you so that if or when she works out her demons, you can help if you so desire.

Last edited by The Homogenizer; 05-10-2012 at 02:38 PM..
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Old 05-10-2012, 02:20 PM
 
Location: Military City, USA.
3,697 posts, read 4,283,615 times
Reputation: 9847
Quote:
Originally Posted by jerseyj View Post
Something similar happened to our younger sister, it was years ago, before facebook.

My brother took the guy into the driveway, beat the snot out of him, told him to take off and leave our sister alone.
Batterers are usually huge cowards! Count on that!

He never came back, she went on to get her degree, good job, married a successful, loving guy and is happy today.

Time for the family to come together.
^^^^This. Get him the hell out of her life in any way possible. She is not thinking clearly for whatever reason, so she is making terrible choices. Or an intervention. If she was addicted, or going down the path of addiction to drugs, I believe the family would have no problem doing an intervention. Plus, let all family members know about this situation, so none are in the dark. It is possible that someone will have some influence on her. But, this is a dangerous situation, in that the abuser could return to where she is staying and harm more people than just her. Since he is an abuser, I bet he has a record. See if someone can get him locked up on a violation.
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Old 05-12-2012, 08:13 PM
 
13,049 posts, read 16,087,687 times
Reputation: 15244
Molson1020...I wouldn't "shut her out of my life"...she's your sister...you love her?...I wouldn't hide the truth about this woman beater from the family either....maybe not bring it up...but when they notice your dislike for this man, and ask why...tell them then.....meanwhile, you may not want anything to do with this a$$hole, but for your sisters sake...be available and there for her if she needs you, even if it means biting the bullet and seeing him once in a while....there really is a lot of wisdom in the words someone wrote that go...."keep your friends close, but your enemies closer"...it's all about monitoring the situation Molson1020...goodluck in whatever you decide.
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