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Old 05-19-2012, 11:40 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,545 posts, read 18,253,157 times
Reputation: 16829

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Quote:
Originally Posted by looking4answers12 View Post
I guess it just depends on what you want out of life. If on some level you want things to change, then sometimes you do have to force yourself to do things. On the other hand, if you are content with not being sociable, then there is no need to force yourself.

On person's "unhealthy" is another persons comfort zone. I'm not sure where that line is between healthy and unhealty. I do know that sometimes people still have the tendency to lable "different" as abnormal or unhealthy, when in fact it's just different.
I think this is absolutely true. When I was in this county program, we had to 'socialize'. We had to go to 'group', which was mostly dual dx addicts. We had to get up and catch a bus at 7am to get there and it took til afternoon to get back home. Gah! Several of us just stopped going. Nobody said anything since we'd never said one word.

And we had to 'socialize' at the 'lounge area'. I went for the creamics class, but I wanted to play with clay and make it into what I felt like. They wanted you to use forms. The stupid assistant yanked the form out of my hand and said 'she' had to take it off the dried clay. I said she could finish it. walked out and never returned.

I didn't plan to waste my time being treated like a two year old. I'd bring crocheting and sit in the corner until the next bus and leave. Or a book and completely ignore anyone. I quit going there too. I'd take a walk to the mall, go to the bookstore, and talk to people who had something interesting to hear, or watch one of the musical things they'd have or thrift shop on the way home. Now that was fun. Home was a zoo so wanting to get away from it for a while was fine.

There is a *huge* difference between socializing how and when and where you choose and being told you have to. Me, I will resist immendiately and forever is you say I have to. I do have places I like to go, but even with those, not too often. Here, transportation is limited, but mostly when I leave I think about coming home.

I've always been this way. Those personality tests always firmly peg me as an introvert, and I've always felt like my spot was on the outside looking in. When people talk about how they don't feel comfortable in their life, I get it. I feel like a lot of mine was spent 'trying' to be 'normal'.

I've declared my independence. My normal is to be the watcher just outside the village who comes in when there is some reason and goes home as soon as possible. My normal is to not feel lonely when there are not many people to talk to, where when there are I just want to leave. I have embrased my normal. It belongs to me. If you like a lot of company, then seek it out. If you'd rather have silence and pets and phone/net friends then the pundants need to shut up and let you live your life how it feels right to you.

Nobody can really feel how you see your world, but if its being forced on you I think everyone who has tried that can understand why it doesn't and won't work.
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Old 05-20-2012, 01:29 PM
 
Location: Islip,NY
17,488 posts, read 21,919,306 times
Reputation: 18417
My mom is like this sometimes. She has anxiety and many times has declined offers to go to someones for dinner or to a party. I think it's OK if you don't want to attend social events but to refuse all the time is not good either. My mom said she has to do what makes her comfortable and if a certain social situation makes her feel uneasy she won't go. She'll come over to our house but I have to pick her up because she does not like driving at night and I don't mind because if it makes her feel at ease then it makes for a nice relaxing visit. I say if a certain social event makes you uncomfortable to go then stay home but once in awhile maybe go to one just to get out.
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Old 05-20-2012, 01:40 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
82,802 posts, read 75,834,642 times
Reputation: 83084
Quote:
Originally Posted by Doll Eyes View Post
Does anyone else with mental health issues get invited to social events but then never go? I mean weddings, parties, etc. Do you ever feel guilty or do people ever make you feel guilty for saying no to these things?

I been invited to two events this month, but cannot bring myself to go. I don't socialize and don't "get" why people push for me and others to do these types of things. In a weird way, it all just make me even more depressed. Also, if you haven't been doing these things for a long time (like months or years) it seem like it's not worth getting back into all of it again and adjusting to it.
DE, it's a compliment to you that your friends feel you should be included in important events in their lives (weddings) and that they enjoy your company enough to invite you to parties. Parties aren't always so great, I've noticed mostly what happens is people talk to their own friends, they don't really mix and meet new people. They can be snoozers. If I don't go, it's not out of social anxiety of some sort, it's just because they can be so BO-ring!
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Old 05-21-2012, 08:22 AM
 
541 posts, read 1,004,543 times
Reputation: 662
Quote:
Originally Posted by lubby View Post
My mom is like this sometimes. She has anxiety and many times has declined offers to go to someones for dinner or to a party. I think it's OK if you don't want to attend social events but to refuse all the time is not good either. My mom said she has to do what makes her comfortable and if a certain social situation makes her feel uneasy she won't go. She'll come over to our house but I have to pick her up because she does not like driving at night and I don't mind because if it makes her feel at ease then it makes for a nice relaxing visit. I say if a certain social event makes you uncomfortable to go then stay home but once in awhile maybe go to one just to get out.
My mom too! What aggravates me about my mom is she will agree to go at first and then the day of event, she cancels.

This past Mothers Day our family decided to spend it with my MIL. My husband had a brother that died in a car accident. Every couple of years his birthday falls on mothers day. We have had several tragic young deaths in family and it brought up many emotions for my husband. I wanted to be there for him, who lost a brother and my MIL & FIL, who lost a son.

I explained all of my reasonings why to my mom. She at first agreed to have dinner with us at their house. Then called 1230pm and said she was sick. I wish she would have told me in the beginning she didn't want to come to dinner. I could have met her for lunch and then went over to in-laws. I found out yesterday at a wedding that she went over to my cousins. My face must have fallen cause my cousin asked me what's wrong. I told him the story and then said no, I wasn't mad, I really am glad she didn't spend the day alone. I just wish she could be more honest when I intially invite her somewhere.
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Old 05-21-2012, 11:08 AM
 
18,847 posts, read 32,797,512 times
Reputation: 26181
My Mom is like this. It is very controlling from my point of view, very passive aggressive. And Borderline as well. People invite you to family functions..it is normal...and they want you to come...but if you did not get an invite you would probably be all annoyed....even though you won't go anyway....it drives nice people crazy to have family members who are like this. And it is hurtful. But....you can't pick your family.
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Old 05-21-2012, 12:01 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
8,712 posts, read 10,315,213 times
Reputation: 7553
Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
My Mom is like this. It is very controlling from my point of view, very passive aggressive. And Borderline as well. People invite you to family functions..it is normal...and they want you to come...but if you did not get an invite you would probably be all annoyed....even though you won't go anyway....it drives nice people crazy to have family members who are like this. And it is hurtful. But....you can't pick your family.

that's your mom, not me. If they're such "nice people" then they should understand some folks don't like or enjoy social functions, guess they're not that nice after all.
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Old 05-21-2012, 12:05 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
8,712 posts, read 10,315,213 times
Reputation: 7553
Quote:
Originally Posted by nightbird47 View Post
I think this is absolutely true. When I was in this county program, we had to 'socialize'. We had to go to 'group', which was mostly dual dx addicts. We had to get up and catch a bus at 7am to get there and it took til afternoon to get back home. Gah! Several of us just stopped going. Nobody said anything since we'd never said one word.

And we had to 'socialize' at the 'lounge area'. I went for the creamics class, but I wanted to play with clay and make it into what I felt like. They wanted you to use forms. The stupid assistant yanked the form out of my hand and said 'she' had to take it off the dried clay. I said she could finish it. walked out and never returned.

I didn't plan to waste my time being treated like a two year old. I'd bring crocheting and sit in the corner until the next bus and leave. Or a book and completely ignore anyone. I quit going there too. I'd take a walk to the mall, go to the bookstore, and talk to people who had something interesting to hear, or watch one of the musical things they'd have or thrift shop on the way home. Now that was fun. Home was a zoo so wanting to get away from it for a while was fine.

There is a *huge* difference between socializing how and when and where you choose and being told you have to. Me, I will resist immendiately and forever is you say I have to. I do have places I like to go, but even with those, not too often. Here, transportation is limited, but mostly when I leave I think about coming home.

I've always been this way. Those personality tests always firmly peg me as an introvert, and I've always felt like my spot was on the outside looking in. When people talk about how they don't feel comfortable in their life, I get it. I feel like a lot of mine was spent 'trying' to be 'normal'.

I've declared my independence. My normal is to be the watcher just outside the village who comes in when there is some reason and goes home as soon as possible. My normal is to not feel lonely when there are not many people to talk to, where when there are I just want to leave. I have embrased my normal. It belongs to me. If you like a lot of company, then seek it out. If you'd rather have silence and pets and phone/net friends then the pundants need to shut up and let you live your life how it feels right to you.

Nobody can really feel how you see your world, but if its being forced on you I think everyone who has tried that can understand why it doesn't and won't work.
I agree with you but I'm telling you, continue to do what you want and what makes you feel alright and you will get responses like "Jasper" gave where people take 'personal offense' to these actions and God forbid you don't want to attend their family BBQ. They think our reactions are "annoying" well touche.
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Old 05-21-2012, 12:08 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
8,712 posts, read 10,315,213 times
Reputation: 7553
Quote:
Originally Posted by cislga View Post
My mom too! What aggravates me about my mom is she will agree to go at first and then the day of event, she cancels.

This past Mothers Day our family decided to spend it with my MIL. My husband had a brother that died in a car accident. Every couple of years his birthday falls on mothers day. We have had several tragic young deaths in family and it brought up many emotions for my husband. I wanted to be there for him, who lost a brother and my MIL & FIL, who lost a son.

I explained all of my reasonings why to my mom. She at first agreed to have dinner with us at their house. Then called 1230pm and said she was sick. I wish she would have told me in the beginning she didn't want to come to dinner. I could have met her for lunch and then went over to in-laws. I found out yesterday at a wedding that she went over to my cousins. My face must have fallen cause my cousin asked me what's wrong. I told him the story and then said no, I wasn't mad, I really am glad she didn't spend the day alone. I just wish she could be more honest when I intially invite her somewhere.

I'm not saying it's right that she cancelled and went over to someone else's house. IMO, the reason she probably cancelled last minute was either she have anxiety issues & feel more comfortable at that cousin's house or she has had a bad reaction from you in the past about saying no outright, so she said yes...temporarily.
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Old 05-21-2012, 12:12 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
8,712 posts, read 10,315,213 times
Reputation: 7553
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
DE, it's a compliment to you that your friends feel you should be included in important events in their lives (weddings) and that they enjoy your company enough to invite you to parties. Parties aren't always so great, I've noticed mostly what happens is people talk to their own friends, they don't really mix and meet new people. They can be snoozers. If I don't go, it's not out of social anxiety of some sort, it's just because they can be so BO-ring!

i agree that these events are tpyically boring such as weddings. I have only been to a few though where I politely, quietly declined to dance with someone at one (I don't like dancing) and then a big deal was made out of it with a bunch of people saying "OH come on dance!!!" etc. If weddings are for dancing, then there's no reason for me to go there. So I don't go to weddings anymore and just sends a gift off the registry.

Now this weekend I been invited to go away for a few days by a family member to another city. She insists I need to get out of the house despite me telling her I'm find staying in the house besides work. Sigh.
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Old 05-21-2012, 12:43 PM
 
Location: Kansas
19,184 posts, read 15,778,393 times
Reputation: 18313
I think your friends/family are just concerned about you which is good that they care. I did wonder as I read this whether you don't want to go and would not enjoy the activities or if you have some sort of fear of what will happen and that you will be uncomfortable. I don't like social events but I am older and I have been there and done that enough to know I don't miss it. Perhaps others feel like it looks like you are being left out so try to include you? Getting out of the house can be as simple as going out for walks or being outside enjoying nature. I do not think it is healthy to just sit in one's home all the time because that becomes a habit and can really be a serious issue. As long as you have some things you enjoy doing outside the house, I don't think social events are essential. If it were me, I would just have a list of things I was planning to do like picnic, go out to the lake, walk a nature trail, whatever you enjoy or want to enjoy and when asked I would tell them, "Sorry, I have plans." and you'll be honest in saying so. I don't believe in maintaining "friends" for the sake of having them if I have nothing in common with them and they annoy or bore me - life is too short to live for others!
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