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Old 05-21-2012, 01:15 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,545 posts, read 18,207,281 times
Reputation: 16829

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Doll Eyes View Post
I agree with you but I'm telling you, continue to do what you want and what makes you feel alright and you will get responses like "Jasper" gave where people take 'personal offense' to these actions and God forbid you don't want to attend their family BBQ. They think our reactions are "annoying" well touche.
Before I moved, I liked when the family got together. Family by marriage, but still close family. I always felt enormous relief when I got home and all the people were gone though. It really made me annoyed that the last Christmas gathering I could go to I was really sick and stayed home. I don't like them enough to travel half way across the country for them, especially in December.

Family never really pushed it, but the 'support' program I was stuck in did. So even if I had to be there I still wasn't 'there'. I come from a very stubborn family.

As for those who want to take offense, its simple to me. It's their problem. I'm very clear who I have authority over. Just me. Just like they only have authority over themselves. If they have the lightbulb moment when you figure that out or not, its still true.

My husband once announced Thanksgiving morning that 'we' were not going to the dinner. I corrected that, as his son and I did want to go. I called and we got a ride, left him the car to come if he chose to (which he didn't), and we had a good time without him.

I do get tired of the old line that its 'good for you to get out'.
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Old 05-21-2012, 02:13 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,544,973 times
Reputation: 3543
I've never been a fan of big social events or crowds etc. And I don't feel guilty about it either! I'm not afraid of being around people but I prefer small gatherings or "one-on-one" with friends the best...Every now and then I'll relent and go to a wedding or birthday party or funeral or holiday party or BBQ (or "something") if I feel especially close to someone...My friends don't try to "push" or "guilt-trip" me into attending all their functions. (They know better!) I'll speak-up and say "how I feel" if people get "pushy" with me!...We're all individuals. We're not "clones" of each other! Some people enjoy going to parties and events on a regular basis and other people don't..I've always been more of a "loner" during my life. (Depressed or not!)...Some people have tried to "push" me to start dating since it's been nearly 2 years since my husband passed away. But I know that I'm just not ready or interested in dating yet...I "trust" my own feelings most of all! I "know best" for me when it comes to dating or going to parties or anything else in life. I have no problem telling "pushy people" to go take a "hike" if they "bug" me too much! (Even so-called professionals!)
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Old 05-21-2012, 03:15 PM
 
541 posts, read 1,002,915 times
Reputation: 662
Quote:
Originally Posted by Doll Eyes View Post
I'm not saying it's right that she cancelled and went over to someone else's house. IMO, the reason she probably cancelled last minute was either she have anxiety issues & feel more comfortable at that cousin's house or she has had a bad reaction from you in the past about saying no outright, so she said yes...temporarily.
I get ALL of that. I really, really do. What sticks in my crawl is when she is ready to see me and my family. Then, I get the phone call, "I haven't seen y'all in forever." Then goes on and on about how she never sees us! She is ready only on her terms. That's what chaps me!

She knows she could have asked me to do something with only her. I would have been glad too. Much better than "me" in tears on mothers day for trying to do right by my husband and in-laws.

I have decided next time she calls and gives me a guilt trip about not seeing her, I will have this conversation with her.
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Old 05-21-2012, 06:56 PM
 
18,847 posts, read 32,734,693 times
Reputation: 26171
That is fine...but sometimes these "loners" need to realize the effect their actions have on others. My daughter has been continually hurt that her Grandmother has missed her ballet recitals, graduations, holidays...my Mother blew off seeing her Grandson going to Iraq. I will never forget that or forgive the fact that she did not come to support him or the rest of the family that day. Ever. My Mother never came to my wedding or the birth of any of my children.

She reaps what she sows....I could care less what type of nursing home she ends up in...she will die alone. I am sure she will be very happy.
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Old 05-21-2012, 08:36 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
8,712 posts, read 10,291,602 times
Reputation: 7553
[quote=jasper12;24402954]That is fine...but sometimes these "loners" need to realize the effect their actions have on others. My daughter has been continually hurt that her Grandmother has missed her ballet recitals, graduations, holidays...my Mother blew off seeing her Grandson going to Iraq. I will never forget that or forgive the fact that she did not come to support him or the rest of the family that day. Ever. My Mother never came to my wedding or the birth of any of my children.

She reaps what she sows....I could care less what type of nursing home she ends up in...she will die alone. I am sure she will be very happy.[/quote]


could be the way you act toward some of these people. Just sayin'

Anyway, that whole "guilt trip" of you will die alone or wishing somebody this or that, probably gets the desired effect from the folks in your life....why someone needs to have certain people "there" at this event or that, I will never understand. I don't have any events to invite people to so maybe that's why.
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Old 05-21-2012, 08:41 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
8,712 posts, read 10,291,602 times
Reputation: 7553
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
I've never been a fan of big social events or crowds etc. And I don't feel guilty about it either! I'm not afraid of being around people but I prefer small gatherings or "one-on-one" with friends the best...Every now and then I'll relent and go to a wedding or birthday party or funeral or holiday party or BBQ (or "something") if I feel especially close to someone...My friends don't try to "push" or "guilt-trip" me into attending all their functions. (They know better!) I'll speak-up and say "how I feel" if people get "pushy" with me!...We're all individuals. We're not "clones" of each other! Some people enjoy going to parties and events on a regular basis and other people don't..I've always been more of a "loner" during my life. (Depressed or not!)...Some people have tried to "push" me to start dating since it's been nearly 2 years since my husband passed away. But I know that I'm just not ready or interested in dating yet...I "trust" my own feelings most of all! I "know best" for me when it comes to dating or going to parties or anything else in life. I have no problem telling "pushy people" to go take a "hike" if they "bug" me too much! (Even so-called professionals!)

Sorry but two years is not that long ago, really, they shouldn't be pushing you to date or anything else. Why are people so damn nosy???!! ...I do agree with you that the line has to be drawn somewhere, you can't always do things to appease other people. I can see once and awhile, but not to the point where you are suffering over it. I didn't go to either of my college graduations. There were some people that were really upset about this. I just don't get it.

I decided I'm not going on that trip this weekend. I don't want to go and I'm pretty sure they will survive the trip if I'm not there.
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Old 05-21-2012, 08:51 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
8,712 posts, read 10,291,602 times
Reputation: 7553
[quote=cislga;24400130]I get ALL of that. I really, really do. What sticks in my crawl is when she is ready to see me and my family. Then, I get the phone call, "I haven't seen y'all in forever." Then goes on and on about how she never sees us! She is ready only on her terms. That's what chaps me!

She knows she could have asked me to do something with only her. I would have been glad too. Much better than "me" in tears on mothers day for trying to do right by my husband and in-laws.

I have decided next time she calls and gives me a guilt trip about not seeing her, I will have this conversation with her.[/quote]


Well I don't think she should be saying "I never see you all" and then cancelling events. That's different and doesn't really make sense. I agree next time to have a talk with her about it, but how/what are you going to say? Nobody have ever told me how not going to events bothers them or not. So I guess they are alright with it in the end.
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Old 05-21-2012, 08:53 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
8,712 posts, read 10,291,602 times
Reputation: 7553
Quote:
Originally Posted by nightbird47 View Post
Before I moved, I liked when the family got together. Family by marriage, but still close family. I always felt enormous relief when I got home and all the people were gone though. It really made me annoyed that the last Christmas gathering I could go to I was really sick and stayed home. I don't like them enough to travel half way across the country for them, especially in December.

Family never really pushed it, but the 'support' program I was stuck in did. So even if I had to be there I still wasn't 'there'. I come from a very stubborn family.

As for those who want to take offense, its simple to me. It's their problem. I'm very clear who I have authority over. Just me. Just like they only have authority over themselves. If they have the lightbulb moment when you figure that out or not, its still true.

My husband once announced Thanksgiving morning that 'we' were not going to the dinner. I corrected that, as his son and I did want to go. I called and we got a ride, left him the car to come if he chose to (which he didn't), and we had a good time without him.

I do get tired of the old line that its 'good for you to get out'.
I had to LOL @ you don't like them enough to travel cross country and that on thanksgiving you got a ride and went anyway. I hope you at least brought him back a plate! I'm supposed to be joining a support group too where they preaches "it's good to get out." How do they know it's good for everyone? I don't beleive they know that.
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Old 05-21-2012, 08:58 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
8,712 posts, read 10,291,602 times
Reputation: 7553
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnywhereElse View Post
I think your friends/family are just concerned about you which is good that they care. I did wonder as I read this whether you don't want to go and would not enjoy the activities or if you have some sort of fear of what will happen and that you will be uncomfortable. I don't like social events but I am older and I have been there and done that enough to know I don't miss it. Perhaps others feel like it looks like you are being left out so try to include you? Getting out of the house can be as simple as going out for walks or being outside enjoying nature. I do not think it is healthy to just sit in one's home all the time because that becomes a habit and can really be a serious issue. As long as you have some things you enjoy doing outside the house, I don't think social events are essential. If it were me, I would just have a list of things I was planning to do like picnic, go out to the lake, walk a nature trail, whatever you enjoy or want to enjoy and when asked I would tell them, "Sorry, I have plans." and you'll be honest in saying so. I don't believe in maintaining "friends" for the sake of having them if I have nothing in common with them and they annoy or bore me - life is too short to live for others!

I agree with most of what you said, but that's the dilemma. how do you tell them you are not interested in going to these things but then they take it all personal? that is of course not the desired effect. I also don't see what's wrong with sending a gift each time if they have a registry for baby shower or wedding. Sorry but why do you think it's 'unhealthy' to sit in the house all the time? I mean aside from a short walk, what is wrong? I like to go to the library and the grocery store, my therapist office. that's it really. I have very bad anxiety disorder and generally do not "get" socializing with people. Only did it b/c that's what people say you're supposed to do, now I stop doing what I'm "supposed" to, tired of playing that game.
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Old 05-21-2012, 09:15 PM
 
Location: Pa
42,719 posts, read 45,750,709 times
Reputation: 25155
Some people just don't know how to interact with others or dislike the fake facade they have to do or others do to them. I like to social but with the right group of people. Many family functions I rather not go or deal with them because they are a Pita! (pain in the arse)
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