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Old 05-26-2012, 12:24 PM
 
Location: Viña del Mar, Chile
16,409 posts, read 27,093,351 times
Reputation: 16531

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Doll Eyes View Post
Does anyone else with mental health issues get invited to social events but then never go? I mean weddings, parties, etc. Do you ever feel guilty or do people ever make you feel guilty for saying no to these things?

I been invited to two events this month, but cannot bring myself to go. I don't socialize and don't "get" why people push for me and others to do these types of things. In a weird way, it all just make me even more depressed. Also, if you haven't been doing these things for a long time (like months or years) it seem like it's not worth getting back into all of it again and adjusting to it.

Yep. I actually went through a phase like this for a little over 2 and a half years. I'd sit inside every weekend every day, I'd never leave the computer never talk to anyone and never go out. The only social interaction I gave myself were with bartenders and waitresses when I'd go out to eat or drink alone. You're right, it does make you more unhappy and it feels like a constant cycle going downhill. You get invited and you don't go because you think about the awkwardness of being there and how you won't enjoy it, then it comes down to the actual date of it and you think about how you're unhappy sitting at home alone.

One thing you can try doing is not looking at it in a sense of people trying to make you do these things. It's not about them controlling you or making you do it, it is people who want to spend time with you, they want to see you and want to see you be happy. In other words-they do care about you.

One thing I do want to say, something that is a must. You have to stop looking at the world as them being out to get you. No matter how f*cked up other people have been or what people have done in the past, not everyone is out to get you and hurt you. You have to get past that, which is one of the hardest things to get over in my opinion. Even I admit that I still hold on to that sentiment to a point. If you can get past those ideas though, the ideas like "they want me to go out, why are they forcing me out" and switch it to "it is nice to have people who want to be around me" it will help change your mindset. It is not an overnight process and it takes time to change but it does work.

I have to admit that I think I'm a stronger person after everything that I have been through. I consider myself a much more self sufficient person, I'm comfortable being alone and I can really enjoy my life without the need for someone else, yet at the same time I look in a positive view at life and other people. I've learned to find the good in life and just make things better overall. Everyone's life is messed up, but if you put a little bit of optimism and happiness in your life it can go a long way. It is easy to dismiss everything as useless and that no one can understand you, but really.. many of us can understand and do want to help. If you put the effort in you could really be happier in all parts of your life.
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Old 05-26-2012, 04:01 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
8,712 posts, read 10,315,213 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
I agree. Change does not occur unless the person is willing to be a participant in change. Therapy discusses potential..and future outcomes of current behavior. You can't change the way things are now....so, the focus has to be on changing behavior patterns to have a different future. For example....right now my house is a mess. I can process that issue to death....but it does not change the fact that my house is filthy. However, I can process how to change my behavior so my house won't get messy in the future...and make a plan to change my behavior.

Okay. A lot of stuff she insists I am capable of or has potential I do not agree with her. I think she really does think in her mind I should be able to do X,Y,Z. In other words she seem to have a misguided belief that I am capable of things that I'm not. I don't know what she basing her beliefs off of, but I'm basing mine off of my life experiences where these seem scenarios did not go right.

I agree with you though this process is not going to work unless participant is willing to change. I would be willing to change if I thought it was possible in certain areas, but since I don't, no reason keep wasting this lady time.
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Old 05-26-2012, 04:25 PM
 
Location: Kansas
19,184 posts, read 15,778,393 times
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I'm wondering why you started therapy in the first place. Was it because you wanted to change? Did you at one time want someone to guide you to changing? What were you thinking would happen when you went to therapy? Were you thinking at the time you started that you would not be able to make changes in certain areas?
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Old 05-26-2012, 05:10 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,545 posts, read 18,253,157 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by burgler09 View Post
Yep. I actually went through a phase like this for a little over 2 and a half years. I'd sit inside every weekend every day, I'd never leave the computer never talk to anyone and never go out. The only social interaction I gave myself were with bartenders and waitresses when I'd go out to eat or drink alone. You're right, it does make you more unhappy and it feels like a constant cycle going downhill. You get invited and you don't go because you think about the awkwardness of being there and how you won't enjoy it, then it comes down to the actual date of it and you think about how you're unhappy sitting at home alone.

One thing you can try doing is not looking at it in a sense of people trying to make you do these things. It's not about them controlling you or making you do it, it is people who want to spend time with you, they want to see you and want to see you be happy. In other words-they do care about you.

One thing I do want to say, something that is a must. You have to stop looking at the world as them being out to get you. No matter how f*cked up other people have been or what people have done in the past, not everyone is out to get you and hurt you. You have to get past that, which is one of the hardest things to get over in my opinion. Even I admit that I still hold on to that sentiment to a point. If you can get past those ideas though, the ideas like "they want me to go out, why are they forcing me out" and switch it to "it is nice to have people who want to be around me" it will help change your mindset. It is not an overnight process and it takes time to change but it does work.

I have to admit that I think I'm a stronger person after everything that I have been through. I consider myself a much more self sufficient person, I'm comfortable being alone and I can really enjoy my life without the need for someone else, yet at the same time I look in a positive view at life and other people. I've learned to find the good in life and just make things better overall. Everyone's life is messed up, but if you put a little bit of optimism and happiness in your life it can go a long way. It is easy to dismiss everything as useless and that no one can understand you, but really.. many of us can understand and do want to help. If you put the effort in you could really be happier in all parts of your life.
If your talking just 'people' and not something specific that I will find of interest, then its a mindset I'm never going to adjust. I really don't get out much but am much happier for it. My plans are to get out, but to what I love, not just to not be home.

The need to socialize also depends on the person. I fully understood why we were supposed to socialize in this program. I just hated every second of it. I wasn't comfortable. I didn't like the people. I'm shy and just wanted to shrink into the wall. Nobody considered that we're ALL different and what is a good few hours out for some is detestable to others.

If I was told it would be good to go out, and we'd like you to spend some time at the center, but I flat out hate the atmosphere there, it will not help. All its going to do is reinforce the idea that they have no clue and I do not fit. Now, I have virtually no problem in not fitting in. I have no use for pretending I'm glad to be there. I'd much much much rather be home or taking a walk with the dog or writing a story. It is me. Never will I believe that social affairs are filled with people who like and want me, the real me, unless its the right people.

This is what is missed so often. A lot of those of us labeled 'antisocial' would be happy to spend some time with a few like minds. But if you hate small talk with boring people (to you, which doesn't mean they are boring to everyone) its just going to drive a wedge in further. You believe they don't really understand. Therapy/programs become useless then.

If the therapist doesn't approve or understand the likes its another problem. Mine was totally befuddled about fandom. But it is my real deep in the heart family. She didn't get that these are the people who had always been there when nobody else was.

Before discussions of 'getting out' start, talk first about what the client likes, enjoys, does on their own. Where do they feel comfortable? Do they feel uncomfortable in crowds? What are their interests, things they'd like to share with others? Find things which will make them want to come back, and maybe they'll think the therapist is willing to listen to them and hear what they say over what they want to hear.
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Old 05-26-2012, 05:54 PM
 
77 posts, read 162,841 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Doll Eyes View Post
Does anyone else with mental health issues get invited to social events but then never go? I mean weddings, parties, etc. Do you ever feel guilty or do people ever make you feel guilty for saying no to these things?

I been invited to two events this month, but cannot bring myself to go. I don't socialize and don't "get" why people push for me and others to do these types of things. In a weird way, it all just make me even more depressed. Also, if you haven't been doing these things for a long time (like months or years) it seem like it's not worth getting back into all of it again and adjusting to it.
Yes, I do the same. And yes I feel guilty and yes others make me feel guilty. I say things in my mind like: "Hmm I'm not going to have fun, hmmm why do I go? It's not important. I don't have proper shoes." This last one has been the strongest big problem. I still use it as a pretext. I'm a very tall woman and wearing heels is like forbidden. Thanks to that I've missed most of the weddings of my friends and almost my sister's.

We have a problem. If you can pay therapy, do it. I can't, so...
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Old 05-27-2012, 01:28 AM
 
Location: Viña del Mar, Chile
16,409 posts, read 27,093,351 times
Reputation: 16531
Quote:
Originally Posted by nightbird47 View Post
.
I wasn't telling anybody to see a therapist. I'm not entirely sure if you're trying to prove me wrong or give me a story here.. I don't really no what to take of it.

My post was however directed towards the OP because I had gone through something similar so I thought I'd offer a little bit of advice and what I did to get through everything. The OP does not seem to be too happy and I was in a similar position and got out of it. I'm sorry if you don't like what I said, but I think there are plenty of other people who could take a positive message from it. Also, she's not going to respond to me, I already know that :P
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Old 05-27-2012, 09:45 AM
 
Location: So Ca
17,654 posts, read 16,428,295 times
Reputation: 15427
Quote:
Originally Posted by Doll Eyes View Post
she seem to have a misguided belief that I am capable of things that I'm not. I don't know what she basing her beliefs off of, but I'm basing mine off of my life experiences where these seem scenarios did not go right.
Just the fact that you perceive her beliefs as misguided means, to me, that she isn't supporting you. She isn't even listening to how you feel. She has to meet you where you ARE, empathize with you, and help you process it all so you can move through it and either realize you are okay the way you are (despite your friends insisting you go out and socialize) or decide that you want to behave differently. She can't tell you that you're okay and expect you to accept HER statements. That's not therapy.

Quote:
I would be willing to change if I thought it was possible in certain areas, but since I don't, no reason keep wasting this lady time.
When I said "change," I include change in the way you feel about yourself, not necessarily a change in how you behave (i.e. be more social). There is change when one's attitudes about herself change, e.g. I don't have to be the life of the party to be a content person.
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Old 05-27-2012, 03:39 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,545 posts, read 18,253,157 times
Reputation: 16829
Quote:
Originally Posted by burgler09 View Post
I wasn't telling anybody to see a therapist. I'm not entirely sure if you're trying to prove me wrong or give me a story here.. I don't really no what to take of it.

My post was however directed towards the OP because I had gone through something similar so I thought I'd offer a little bit of advice and what I did to get through everything. The OP does not seem to be too happy and I was in a similar position and got out of it. I'm sorry if you don't like what I said, but I think there are plenty of other people who could take a positive message from it. Also, she's not going to respond to me, I already know that :P
My point was that therapists have to listen. Sure, its good to not sit home all day, but if its to draw someone out, it needs to be something they'll want to do. Often programs designed for this make you got to groups, or with other people so someone is 'supervising'. But if you hate that you'd still rather not. Everyone has something they like and even if they do it alone would likely give. But you have to ask and be flexable. Some (not all) therapists disapprove of those things they don't understand. My real fun would be a science fiction con, but if you don't know anything about it you might not think its a good idea. I could see mine thinking its just a bunch of freaks pretending to be tv characters. Since I explained, and she still had that 'look' she lost credability.

And if you really are in introvert, and you really don't enjoy 'getting out' then its destructive to push people into what makes them dislike because the client will cease to trust that the therapist really cares.
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Old 05-27-2012, 04:04 PM
 
48,509 posts, read 86,210,740 times
Reputation: 18106
Quote:
Originally Posted by Doll Eyes View Post
Does anyone else with mental health issues get invited to social events but then never go? I mean weddings, parties, etc. Do you ever feel guilty or do people ever make you feel guilty for saying no to these things?

I been invited to two events this month, but cannot bring myself to go. I don't socialize and don't "get" why people push for me and others to do these types of things. In a weird way, it all just make me even more depressed. Also, if you haven't been doing these things for a long time (like months or years) it seem like it's not worth getting back into all of it again and adjusting to it.
I thni its easy to become a shut in in more ways than one.Once started it seems a hard habit to break;being anti-social. poeple invite you from cultural obligations mostly. can't see why it would bother yopu if your not social because you would not care ;bascially.
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Old 06-12-2012, 09:37 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,545 posts, read 18,253,157 times
Reputation: 16829
My inlaws arrived in town today. My sil had dinner and I was invited. I said I had stuff at home. I do but the truth is that she was part of what I was trying to get away from when I moved away, and I really wish she hadn't come to town. I've done lots of thinking this time around. I really do not want to 'socialize' with them. I just don't know how to handle explaining. They helped me so much, and I suppose if its a restraunt I'll go sometimes, but I don't want all the crap that goes with it. I want to divorce my husband (ending the forever seperation to an offical end) and maybe them too.

I've had a quiet, peaceful night and watched a wonderful documentary on the War of 1812 on pbs. Good brainfood is what I seek. I wish I could just say work on her place and leave me be but I have one thing which the contractor failed at before I moved in which needs to be remidied. The rest? Just let me take care of it. The place is in a state of anarchy now, half the kitchen piled in the living room, and so on, but I cope fine. They are not me and will never be. I'm guessing they'll go out and such too, and I don't really want to but it would save a little money.

They were my substitue family but what I know now is to achieve freedom from the past I need to cut the cord and wish I could bring up the nerve to talk about it. I've been feeling both more depressed and more aware too, since I understand the underlying things driving all this. I want to be me again, not someone's kid or relation by marriage. I want them to recognize that I am not them, that I will never be, and I need to let go of the past. I want to do things MY way and not have to wonder how it plays.

I know they aren't the enemy, but honestly I don't really feel they are 'family' now the way they used to feel. I don't think I'll ever heal inside the way things are now. But then there is so much shared. I will go forward with what I need to do, but just the same, know it won't be quite right the way I do it and at this point its very important to me to do as I feel I should.

When I officially divorce him, I'm going back to my maiden name, but considering adding my mom's name too. Just how to do it is the question.
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