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Old 05-20-2012, 04:11 PM
Location: :~)
1,483 posts, read 2,988,217 times
Reputation: 1524


To be direct, my wife was sexually molested by her father. This sad situation occurred throughout her childhood, up to her late late teens. My wife told her mother several times but her mother stupidly ignored it and actually sent my wife to counseling. Obviously, there is strong concentrated hate directed towards her parents. This all happened in another country and in the 1980s. Also, keep in mind, the mentality back then was keep it a family secret versus reporting it.

A few years later, I came into the picture when we started dating in her late 20's. Presently, we have been married for 20 years with 3 beautiful children. I am proud to say that my wife has broken the cycle of abuse. She is the strongest person that I know. I am truly amazed at her strength. Proof being, that my wife has never forgiven them but she did continually talk to her parents, obviously the relationship was always tense. On a few occasions, she let them have it in letters or arguments. Eventually, the parents half-heartedly apologized.

Recently, the father has fallen severely ill and will die soon. The strong concentrated hate has resurfaced because my mother in law is asking for financial support and a shoulder to lean on during this trying time. She listens to her mother complaining, but at the same time, my wife says between us, “you made your bed now lay in it.” My wife does not have any sympathy for her father, which is totally expected. Matter of fact, I know deep inside that she wishes for his death. Sadly, her mother continues with the financial assistance to which my wife is beyond pissed. My wife caved in and does provide some money. As a result, her mother has asked for "more" money. My wife plans not to provide any more money. Even more, she plans not to attend the funeral because she knows that relatives will say glowing remarks about him and she says that she could not take that scenario.

This is a tough situation to be in. I don’t what to do. On one hand, I say attend the funeral. On the other hand, I say that she must be honest and tell her the truth that she does not care or even want to help any more. The strain has been wearing on my wife, she is very agitated, tense, and somewhat depressed. To outsiders, they see nothing but I know the truth. I know that she will make it through given what she has dealt with in the past but its extremely stressful for her and for me to observe.

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Old 05-20-2012, 05:03 PM
Location: Military City, USA.
3,714 posts, read 4,305,481 times
Reputation: 9913
You mention this happened in another country. Are your wife's "egg and sperm donor" citizens of another country? If so, I would have to advise her to weigh her culture vs her United States life in deciding what to do. In other words, is she responsible to care for her mother when her husband dies? What about other siblings? Mother or father's sisters or brothers?

Bottom line, your wife has to do what she feels comfortable with, meaning she has to ask herself some hard questions, such as "how will I feel if I abandon/cut-off my mother." "Will she be able to survive alone?" "Can I live without guilt without having any contact with my mother?" If she feels comfortable, OK. If not, then she needs to decide how to address the mother/daughter issue. Good luck to her, and you are a good husband!
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Old 05-21-2012, 12:00 PM
13,051 posts, read 16,131,363 times
Reputation: 15249
jbub22...I'm very sorry that your wife had such a horrendous upbringing...but I'm glad she has you to give her the love and understanding and support that you sound like you do....going to funerals is a last way to show your respect for the deseased....something she probably has little if any for...I don't feel that she should have to pay respects to a man who basically stole her childhood from her...and in the worse way....I also don't think she should feel obligated to give the woman who turned a blind eye to her pain...any more money to help her out...her mother wasn't there for HER to lean on, let alone stop the abuse...her just being "civil" to her family is a bonus for them as far as I'm concerned...and they're lucky to get that.
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Old 05-21-2012, 08:48 PM
Location: Beautiful hills
248 posts, read 412,602 times
Reputation: 506
Sorry to hear about your wife's sad story. I wish her peace.

I wouldn't push her to go to the funeral if she doesn't want to, especially if she can't stand others praising her father (I can relate to this part very well, and the hypocrisy of such situations just makes your stomach turn).
I would suggest cutting her conversations with mother short as it appears her guilt buttons are being pushed. She doesn't owe them anything.

Some may say that she should forgive and go make peace, and attend the funeral, but she is not ready for this emotionally, so I would strongly advise against it.
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Old 05-21-2012, 09:09 PM
Location: Way beyond the black stump.
680 posts, read 2,263,164 times
Reputation: 1038
Some have issues with parents with varying degrees of severity, but this is unforgivable and unconscionable. The loss of a parent may leave a hole in ones life, but in this case I would wash my hands of the whole affair. Immediate family is what matters, taking care of you and yours is the way forward. You have a life, live it, the rest is history and deserving of digging a deeper hole to dispose of it.

I certainly would not even consider assisting in finance, or going to the funeral, no amount of persuasion or soul searching could encourage me to participate in something so false considering the circumstances.

Disclaimer: My opinion only. I've had my own parental and sibling issues many moons ago {nothing compared to yours I hasten to add} and my philosophy is to concentrate on the here and now with my own family. I have the ability to hang onto that which is meaningful, and cutting off and discarding that which is not. I call it 'survival'.
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Old 05-21-2012, 10:41 PM
Location: Cushing OK
14,545 posts, read 18,253,157 times
Reputation: 16829
If she doesn't want to go, do not push. She doesn't owe him anything. The reminder had become a mountain range with his illness and the money and the pressure, and she's got to be flooded with memories she might not have had surface for a while. She's going to have a lot on her mind for a time, and his funeral isn't going to help, especially if her suffering is swept under the rug again. And be there to listen if she feels like talking, but just listen, don't make suggestions. Be supportive of whichever decision she makes and there if she needs you to listen and that is the very best thing you can do for her.

Once he dies, its likely nobody will ever know, and she might benefit from counseling by those knowledgeable in the subject so she can free herself of the legacy.
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Old 05-21-2012, 10:50 PM
4,043 posts, read 3,103,766 times
Reputation: 1954
Instead of sending her mother money, it sounds like she should be telling her off for not protecting her from her father. No time like the present for healing. Your wife is in so much pain because of this unresolved hate that she surely feels.

If she doesn't want to go to the funeral then stand by her in that! If she goes, I hope she's prepared to allow herself to spontaneously say whatever comes up about the man that will have just passed.

If she goes and stays silent, forcing herself to, it could literally make her ill.

Families cannot heal without a load of blunt truth.
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Old 05-22-2012, 09:03 AM
18,847 posts, read 32,797,512 times
Reputation: 26181
At some point a victim ceases being a "victim", and views the past in the context of time, culture, and situation. The person disassociates the experience...and views it as if it happened to someone else...and can move forward and beyond...then, the person can have unbiased feelings towards the perpetrators. Not all people do that. Some can..some never do...

Your wife will do what she wants...in the end....I would stay nuetral as she processes this with you..if you can..or refer her to counseling.
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Old 05-22-2012, 04:37 PM
Location: Love, Epicenter
399 posts, read 523,130 times
Reputation: 385
My heart goes out to her and I know that in other countries a lot of this stuff is shoved under the rug and the victim is often undermined or blamed. The shame factor.

I hope your wife trusts her instincts. If she doesn't want to go and is not comfortable being there during such a time, I hope she doesn't subject herself to the pain. I don't think it's about forgiveness at all as I feel that even with forgiveness the scar remains. Whether she goes or doesn't go though, it'll be a learning experience.

I admire your wife's strength.
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Old 05-23-2012, 02:02 AM
10,996 posts, read 11,754,330 times
Reputation: 8366
She might want to avoid the funeral and let it be the last payback she gives him, since she never really got even with him. As for the mother, your wife can give her a good amount of money, and never call her again. Her mom will be lonely now that the husband is dead, and your wife's payback to her, will be to abandon her when she has no one.
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