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Old 05-22-2012, 03:38 PM
 
Location: Islip,NY
17,488 posts, read 21,919,306 times
Reputation: 18417

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My brother is an abusive jerk plain and simple not matter what his reasons are it does not give him the right to treat my mom like dirt. Now as I have said I do not know what goes on inside his mind or what has occured with him in the past. I am staying out of it for now but when it comes to my mom I will do what ever It takes to defend her and keep her from being verbally abused, so if it means down the road telling my brother off and voicing my feelings on the matter than I will do so. My brother and I used to be very close until he moved away. I still love my brother but I don't have to accept how he acts or treats my mom.
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Old 05-23-2012, 08:38 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,556,155 times
Reputation: 3543
lubby...Sorry about the hassles with your brother and his wife...Do you think your brother might feel jealous at times because you and your Mom are so "tight" and close?...I "lost" my older son for awhile when he got married. He spent all of his time with his in-laws...They were "all and everything" to him for the longest time and we felt like "nothings." (Not too "smart" or "valuable" in his eyes.)...Years later he finally "woke-up" and came back into the "fold" a little more. But I think he may have felt like an "outsider" at times too. He probably felt that his brother was the "favored one" when it came to me and my first husband. (His Dad.)...But this wasn't true. My younger son was more of a "family person." (From the time he was small. This was his nature.)....He enjoyed "hanging-out" with me and his Dad and Step-Dad and "being friends" with us. He was this same way with his Grandparents and other relatives too...Where my older son would rather spend time with his friends and didn't place this same kind of "value" on his family. He became enmeshed with his in-laws after he got married. But after awhile he got tired of this too and yearned to be "freer."....We had a chance to become closer the year before he died. (Which was nice!) He finally placed a little more "value" on his own family. (But he was still basically "Mr. Independent" most of all!)...I've always had a big streak of "independence" myself. Yet I enjoyed spending time with my parents too and being their "friend."...My older son obviously had trouble finding a "BALANCE" between being "independent" and being a "family person" too. On the surface he seemed to have a strong and well-defined personality. But I think he had hidden and secret fears about becoming "engulfed" or "smothered" (or even "lost") if he "hung-out" with family members too much...Hopefully he would have been able to reconcile some of his feelings if he'd lived longer. ..Maybe your brother still has grief and feelings to work-through concerning your Dad's death and his relationship with his Dad... When my first husband died this affected my older son in many different ways. Yet he always insisted that he was "fine." I think it may have even contributed to the break-up of his marriage a little later down the road. (Along with other factors too.)
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Old 05-23-2012, 04:00 PM
 
Location: Islip,NY
17,488 posts, read 21,919,306 times
Reputation: 18417
Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
lubby...Sorry about the hassles with your brother and his wife...Do you think your brother might feel jealous at times because you and your Mom are so "tight" and close?...I "lost" my older son for awhile when he got married. He spent all of his time with his in-laws...They were "all and everything" to him for the longest time and we felt like "nothings." (Not too "smart" or "valuable" in his eyes.)...Years later he finally "woke-up" and came back into the "fold" a little more. But I think he may have felt like an "outsider" at times too. He probably felt that his brother was the "favored one" when it came to me and my first husband. (His Dad.)...But this wasn't true. My younger son was more of a "family person." (From the time he was small. This was his nature.)....He enjoyed "hanging-out" with me and his Dad and Step-Dad and "being friends" with us. He was this same way with his Grandparents and other relatives too...Where my older son would rather spend time with his friends and didn't place this same kind of "value" on his family. He became enmeshed with his in-laws after he got married. But after awhile he got tired of this too and yearned to be "freer."....We had a chance to become closer the year before he died. (Which was nice!) He finally placed a little more "value" on his own family. (But he was still basically "Mr. Independent" most of all!)...I've always had a big streak of "independence" myself. Yet I enjoyed spending time with my parents too and being their "friend."...My older son obviously had trouble finding a "BALANCE" between being "independent" and being a "family person" too. On the surface he seemed to have a strong and well-defined personality. But I think he had hidden and secret fears about becoming "engulfed" or "smothered" (or even "lost") if he "hung-out" with family members too much...Hopefully he would have been able to reconcile some of his feelings if he'd lived longer. ..Maybe your brother still has grief and feelings to work-through concerning your Dad's death and his relationship with his Dad... When my first husband died this affected my older son in many different ways. Yet he always insisted that he was "fine." I think it may have even contributed to the break-up of his marriage a little later down the road. (Along with other factors too.)
Yes I do think my brother is jealous of the fact that my mom and I are so close. I think he want's that kind of bonding in some way.He has many demons inside of him but he chooses not to discuss this with any of us. Maybe his wife knows more, she wouldn't tell me any way I can bet on that.
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Old 05-24-2012, 07:21 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,556,155 times
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lubby...I hope things work-out with your brother over time. Sorry about the hassles right now.
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Old 05-24-2012, 03:40 PM
 
Location: Islip,NY
17,488 posts, read 21,919,306 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
lubby...I hope things work-out with your brother over time. Sorry about the hassles right now.
well my mom called him Tuesday night tyo wish him Happy Anniversary(married 2 years) and he seemed fine and was very nice to my mom. I think he feels guilty about the fight he had with her and knows my mom is right about them always spending time with her family. My mom always said honor the people you love when they are alive because once they are gone it's too late to say sorry. We've only got one mother and no dad so I say treat her with repsect because when she dies it will be too late to feel sorry for the way you had treated her.
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Old 05-24-2012, 04:49 PM
 
7,100 posts, read 24,965,535 times
Reputation: 7345
You and your mother need to back off and leave him alone.

He may not see your mother in the same light that you do. He is DIFFERENT. He had different needs. Mothers need to be able to treat each child differently, if that is what it takes to raise a happy well adjusted adult. What worked for you, didn't work for him. Remember that SHE raised him to turn out this way.

Just because YOU think she is great, doesn't mean that everyone agrees. Your brother probably will not feel sorry when she dies.

And if you keep trying to MAKE him do more, you will just drive him further away.
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Old 05-24-2012, 07:16 PM
 
Location: Islip,NY
17,488 posts, read 21,919,306 times
Reputation: 18417
Quote:
Originally Posted by Padgett2 View Post
You and your mother need to back off and leave him alone.

He may not see your mother in the same light that you do. He is DIFFERENT. He had different needs. Mothers need to be able to treat each child differently, if that is what it takes to raise a happy well adjusted adult. What worked for you, didn't work for him. Remember that SHE raised him to turn out this way.

Just because YOU think she is great, doesn't mean that everyone agrees. Your brother probably will not feel sorry when she dies.

And if you keep trying to MAKE him do more, you will just drive him further away.
Your brother probably will not feel sorry when she dies.How do you know?
I haven't even brought the subject up to him and I haven't even talked to him in like 3 weeks, but that's not unusual for him because he's like that with everyone. He travels alot for work and never has time to call people. My mom did not raise my brother to be abusive. You did not live in my house growing up so you don't know how my mom was and I do. She raised us to be repsectful of our elders and to treat our loved ones with kindness. He's younger than I am and no offense to men but they are not good at expressing how they feel, they keep things bottled up until they explode. My mom and I are open and honest and when we have a problem we talk it out, we don't yell at each other and call each other bad names. Oh and by the way my mom isn't on his back constantly he's hostile to her from the minute she asks how he's doing and when he's abusive to her verbally she tells him which he does not like to hear.She calls him as little as possible for her own sanity and stress. The only time they talk is when they skype so she can see her grandson and that's once a week. Enough said.
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Old 05-24-2012, 07:47 PM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,556,155 times
Reputation: 3543
My older son "split" after he got married and I rarely heard from him for about 8 years...He spent his time with his wife and friends and in-laws...He didn't feel guilty for not seeing me very much. Or guilty because he didn't see his brother or 2 "dads" very often. He just felt entitled to live his own life...Of course I felt sad about "losing" him and missed him. But there was nothing I could do. So I had to come to a place of acceptance about it for my own peace of mind...He could be "headstrong" and stubborn. And "fiercely independent!"...I had to "come to terms" with it at some point and just go on with my own life and "leave him be."...As I mentioned in an earlier post he finally decided to reconnect with me on his own. (When he was going through his divorce.)...It was great to have him back! Sad that he ended-up dying a year after he came back...Some kids are "family people" and want to stay close to their parents and others don't. This is how I see it anyway...If my son would have lived longer I hope he would have stayed in touch with me a little more. But who knows? He might have gone off on another adventure and stayed away for years again. There's no telling... I think he always figured he'd see me in the "afterlife" or see and be with me in the next life. So he didn't worry about how much he interacted with me in this life. (He believed in reincarnation. We all do!)
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Old 05-24-2012, 08:22 PM
 
Location: Old Town Alexandria
14,495 posts, read 24,259,052 times
Reputation: 8847
My brother split when my Mom died. He finished medical school and got married. He never really cared about his family of origin. Some men disassociate, especially when they have their own families to support.
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Old 05-25-2012, 10:47 AM
 
18,847 posts, read 32,797,512 times
Reputation: 26181
Families are complicated. I have four children, and each relationship is completely different. Each of my kids have relationships with each other, and they are different as well. So...do what works for you.

All I have asked my kids to do is be a family. You can't pick your family. And sure...you can shut them out....easy to do...
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