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Old 05-22-2012, 07:33 AM
 
Location: Islip,NY
17,488 posts, read 21,883,374 times
Reputation: 18417

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My mom and brother have been at odds with each other ever since he moved away in 1998 he's 37 years old. He lived in several places in Florida and now lives in Chicago, has a new wife and a 10 month old son. He is constantly hostile towards my mom and we do not know why. He had a Major fight with her over the phone last night about them coming up here in June for a visit.To be breif they have a wedding on June 15th so my mom will be watching the baby that day and night. My SIL asks me if I am sleeping over??? I said NO that I would come to visit and spend the day with my mom and nephew but that's all. She does not trust my mom alone with the baby and it's the truth because when my mom brought that up to her she was silent. I told my mom about it and she brought it up to my SIL who then told my brother and then the call came and he called her every foul name in the book, said he's never coming to NY and she will never see her grandson. My mom raised 2 kids, helped my uncle raise his 2 kids, she was/is the best mother,I don't get it. She said "I am done I can't take this stress anymore and the fact that my son treats me like crap" Now if she cuts him off completely she will never see that baby grow up.Do you think it's fair to use the baby as a weapon or a way to get back at someone?They spend more time with her family in Ohio then they do with us. Her mom comes once a month for 3 days to visit the baby and her mom make's no bones about it and posts it on Facebook just to stick it to my mother to make her feel bad that she does not get to see the baby enough. My mom has anxiety flying alone so I have to go with her if she flys anywhere. we have been to see the baby twice. I am his Godmother.She has a job that is not flexible so she can't just take off and go to Chicago she has to give 1 month's notice and we have to check with my brother to make sure it's ok to come because they may have other plans. This is BS!The stress we had last July when we stayed with them was unbelieveable. First off they complained we use too much toilet paper, drink too much coffee. If you invite people to stay with you expect that they are going to drink coffee and use toilet paper. We both handed my brother money for theses things and he said he did not need money and handed it back to us. We are not free loaders. I offered to pay for groceries one day since I was the one cooking dinner that night I felt it was only fair. My sil said no and that she would use her debit card.Every thing we did was being watched. My nephew was 3 weeks old at the time.My sil also lies about how much she sees her mom. In fact she was cought in a lie the other day by my mom. We knew she was going to san diego for a work conference and bringing my nephew along with my brother but she slipped and said "oh by the way my mom is going with us" my mom already knew it because they also have family in san diego and my brother is not meeting them until Wednesday. So her mom had to watch the baby Monday and today. Why do people have to lie? Just say my mom is coming too. She knew she got caught because then she was trying to get off the phone with my mom by making up some BS story. They know they don't see us enough and feel bad about it because sometimes my brother will say he misses us and wishes he lived closer and other times he could care less.My mom is in tears over this and I don't blame her. I have spoken to my brother in the past about how he treats my mom and he say's yeah you are right then he's good for a few weeks then he's back to being hostile again. He takes medication maybe zoloft not sure and I think he was seeing a therapist. My mom and I are trying to get to the bottom of this and why he's so negative and hostile with her. He fled like a bat out of hell to Florida with no job and barely any money and he struggled for a while but got on his feet. One minute he graduates college and the next minute he's moving to Florida. We think he was running away from something but what? My mom said to him last night over the phone that if she did something or if there is a reason why you are so hostile I need to know so I can understand where this is coming from. Dead silence on his end. My dad has been dead since 2004 but he was like this even before my dad died but his hostility has gotten worse since then. He rarely calls me and when my DH had his surgery in April he only called me once to see how he was.My husband even had a long conversation with him a few years back when he came up to visit, it was like it fell on deaf ears.My sil and brother are saying that when we were in Chicago last year my mom said she was uncomfortable being alone with baby hence the reason for my SIL asking me to sleep over.I was there she never said that.Her mom is a pot stirrer and a control freak and so is her daughter. If my nephew was not in the picture I'd tell my mom sever ties with my brother for awhile but I don't think that's the right thing to do at this point since there is a child in the mix and shame on them for using him as way of getting back at my mom.
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Old 05-22-2012, 08:34 AM
 
Location: Military City, USA.
3,700 posts, read 4,291,547 times
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You really have no clue as to why this is happening in your family? There is always MORE to any story. There is your side, his side, your mother's side, and the truth.

Skeletons in the closet , perhaps? Ones that even you don't know about involving your brother and your parents.
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Old 05-22-2012, 08:45 AM
 
5,209 posts, read 9,393,080 times
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Your brother sounds really stressed out for some reason and that is making him take everything your mom is saying the wrong way.

He might have financial trouble, he might feel overwhelmed by responsibilities or maybe things just aren't going right for him right now. You aren't usually around him and he won't open up to you, so who knows?

I think you (and your mom) should just try to keep your comments to your brother as neutral as possible - no criticism, no prying - and focus on developing a strong bond with the baby. Give your brother the space to deal with his own problems.
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Old 05-22-2012, 08:46 AM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,663 posts, read 4,678,455 times
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From an estranged "brother", I will tell you hands down that there is more to this than you think. He has his reasons, as do I.
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Old 05-22-2012, 09:05 AM
 
507 posts, read 1,379,014 times
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Too much coffee and toilet paper??

REALLY?????????????????????


Your brother is a jerk. Sorry, that is my opinion. Shame on him for treating his mother like garbage. If my son and (future) DIL didn't trust me alone with their (future) baby-- I wouldn't babysit. It's that simple.

Unless there is truly some legitimate past event that justifies your brother's rude and abusive behavior then I think your mom needs to quietly back out for her own sanity. For now. Down the road things will likely change.

Now that your brother is a parent he will see just how hard a job it is, and how hurtful it would be to have your own child treat you like crap. He may also tire of the controlling and selfish wife who only seems to care about "her side" of the family. Divorce rates are high for a reason, and they already seem dysfunctional imo.

Good luck to you and your mother.
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Old 05-22-2012, 09:11 AM
 
507 posts, read 1,379,014 times
Reputation: 821
Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonborn View Post
From an estranged "brother", I will tell you hands down that there is more to this than you think. He has his reasons, as do I.
So you know "hands down" there is some cryptic reason for this brother to be an abusive jerk?



We don't know, but the REALITY is sometimes people just behave badly because that is how THEY are and it is nobody's fault but their own.... could be a narcissistic, sociopath, anti-social... the list is endless.
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Old 05-22-2012, 01:45 PM
 
Location: Islip,NY
17,488 posts, read 21,883,374 times
Reputation: 18417
Ok my brother has had financial problems in the past due to a past relationship with another girl before he met and married my SIL. In 2007 my brother was supposed to get married to this other girl and 6 months into the engagement they split up. We don't know why but what I do know is that she charged up alot of joint credit cards and left him in debt. He still has creditors calling and it's been 5 years.They call my mom's house at least 3 times a week. She just tells them she does not know the person they are calling about and when she has brought it up to my brother in the past he got hostile and told her he's taking care of it. My brother is a jerk lately. My dad is gone and who knows what went on between the 2 of them. My dad was very good at making up lies about my mom so he could have fed my brother's head with anything. I am very close with my mom. I see her once a week and call her everyday 3 times a day. I am 41 and he's 37 but he acts like he's still in HS at times. I know for a fact his MIL drives him crazy because he's told me. The sad thing is my brother does not have a set of balls to stand up to her or say anything to his wife and now they have a baby it makes it even harder. I don't feel comfortable around my SIL either, she's 35. If my brother would just talk about why he is so hostile then maybe we could understand him better. Not that it makes it ok to treat my mom badly but at least we could know. He tells me my mom is crazy and that's not true. She had issues with anxiety and depression but he tells her to get over it. He also made a comment about my job to my mom. I work in a school cafeteria and apparently its looked at as a low end job to him. Well after 2 years on UE I was glad I at least got a job to go to and I actually really like it. I was told by my mom to not say anything to him yet and I won't but if he brings it up to me I am going to stick up for my mom and let him have it. My dad was not around alot growing up, he worked, hung out with friends to play cards, played golf and did his own thing. he was home everynight to sleep and he was home on sundays but he never really went to any of my brothers baseball/football games. My mom did all of that, my mom brought the tang and pretzels, my mom was the one who went to New Hampshire to see him wrestle an out of state team, Not my dad! I think in some way he wishes it were the other way around that my dad be alive and my mom dead. At least that's the feeling my mom gets from him. I talked to my mom before and she feels so hurt by all of this she almost called in sick to work. Then my brother asked why my mom did not sicuss this with him first instead of his wife. My mom said because when ever I bring up something that bothers me to you, right away you get hostile and start yelling. He called my mom names I can't even repeat on here. I am sure there is a reason for all of this but we can never seem to get to the bottom of it. Then I thought about when and if they come in June to sit down with my mom and the 2 of them to see if we can get some answers. He seems to blame my mom for everything going wrong in his life. She did not make him go into debt his ex fiance did. I asked my brother once if he thought my mom was a good mother, I got no answer. She was and still is a great mother. Maybe there was something in his childhood that I don't know about and you tend to think you know everything about someone until you hear otherwise.Maybe there were things that went on with my dad, who knows. I know they didn't get along great. Thanks for taking the time to listen, I wasn't going to post this but now I feel better talking about it. I talk to my husband and mom about but sometimes you need other outsiders to listen to you as well. I don't think the situation will ever change even if we do talk as a group but one can only hope.
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Old 05-22-2012, 01:52 PM
 
Location: Islip,NY
17,488 posts, read 21,883,374 times
Reputation: 18417
My mom and I have decided to back off for now and just keep things neutral with him unless he brings up the situation and is hostile again.
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Old 05-22-2012, 02:10 PM
 
Location: Old Town Alexandria
14,495 posts, read 24,242,085 times
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"My sil also lies about how much she sees her mom. In fact she was cought in a lie the other day by my mom. "....We knew she was going to san diego for a work conference and bringing my nephew

Just a guess but your brother is siding with his wife, and not you or your Mom...This is perhaps what he wants to do to keep his marriage intact.... many marriages are strained today.

I would stay out of it.

Just my 2 cents, but your brother is 37, an adult who will not change until he wants to.
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Old 05-22-2012, 02:17 PM
 
13,515 posts, read 14,956,187 times
Reputation: 37885
Quote:
Originally Posted by GrainOfSalt View Post
So you know "hands down" there is some cryptic reason for this brother to be an abusive jerk?



We don't know, but the REALITY is sometimes people just behave badly because that is how THEY are and it is nobody's fault but their own.... could be a narcissistic, sociopath, anti-social... the list is endless.
And you know that the OP is able to present all sides of the situation, and, therefore, you know he is an "abusive jerk"?
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