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Old 05-23-2012, 04:08 PM
 
285 posts, read 1,061,145 times
Reputation: 188

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I was born and raised as a jehovahs and baptized at the age of 14.
My dad has ben an elder for a long time, but I want to leave the JW organization because Im gay. Ive been attracted to men as long as I can remember, Ive always liked boys, I liked a couple of girls too back then. If I had to identify my sexuality back then it would be bisexual but now Im gay. I want to be with a guy and I see myself with a guy not a women, however I will be friends with them of course!

The reason I got baptized was because I thought it would cure me (obviously that didnt work)

I came out to my dad first when I was 16 as bisexual for a front even though I knew I was gay he was sad and then 2 months later I came out as gay. He didnt take it well

I came out to my mom and my sister my senior my mom didnt take it well either, but my sister accepted me because she was having a baby out of wedlock and can understand and relate. Yet my sister and I dont get along we are different people!

But my mom was worse after I came out to her she said that she knew and then told me her opinion and said that she cant accept me. I wanted to kill myself that night I will never forget it!

Its hard being a young youth being raised as a jehovahs witness

I couldnt celebrate birthdays and holidays,
I couldnt go to prom and homecoming
Couldnt see rated R movies
Couldnt smoke or drink alcohol (even though I dont like to smoke)
Couldnt say the pledge of alligence
Couldnt participate during high school pep ralleys (but went anyways)
I couldnt really hang out with people after school
I couldnt have them over to my house because they werent jehovahs witness!

I have a very lonely life


Now this year I was going to leave and fly to Los Angeles to go to school and to live at a LGBT Transitional housing shelter so I can go to school, because I would love to live in LA. But I declined on it because I only had almost $4,000 and that wouldnt work out. I wouldnt have any money.

So I decided to stay here in ATL only to get therapy mentally because I need it. Plus to know how to deal with my parents.
Just now my dad told me that I need to go to the kingdom hall (church) theyre jehovahs witness, but I dont want to be a jehovahs witness anymore so I havent gone in a long time. Since Thanksgiving 2011 to be exact.
I really dont want to go, but my dad is so forceful and so controlling that its actually quite intimidating.
I thought of a plan that I go to another kingdom hall and have my card there and not go, that way my parents wont nag me.
So far its working Im going to go to church of and on but eventually not go and send in my letter to Disassociate myself!

but it was horrible emotionally, they would force me to go to church and keep on controlling me. Me not really expressing how I feel I would always have a mental break down


I think I have a small to moderate addiction to gay porn now because since I couldnt hang out with LGBT people and couldnt watch TV shows on coming of age as a gay person, I saw a pop up and it was a gay guy, so I would pleasure myself (masturbate) because it feels like I couldnt be myself accept on the computer laptop! Even though they say men in general look at porn I look at it everyday and I think its a problem because I do want a boyfriend and I dont want porn at all in my first relationship because it would remind me time to time of my childhood.


As for religion, I do believe in a Spiritual Deity I do believe in God, but I dont believe in what the churches teach in the bible about gays and other people with sexual preferences including Asexuality! And I AM NOT GOING TO LET SOME HOMOPHOBIC CONSERVATIVE "CHRISTIANS" block my relationship between me and God, EVER AGAIN!!!

Recently Ive been noticing that I have symptoms of depression I saw my doctors for a check up and they prescribed me medication

So ive been taking my antidepressant about 2 months now, I do have more energy but my lost of interests is still happening I dont know what I want to do in life! Im taking Bupropion for depression symptoms even though I wasnt really diagnosied with Depression, on my chart it says that I have Unspecified Chronic Depression whatever that means!


Right now I feel alright kind of but it seems as if Im going up and down, its not severe but it seems like I feel Im just blaw etc murp Im here, Im not special but Im here and alive and just have that type of feeling!



I went to my psychiatrist last week for the second time, and Im never going back to him I didnt feel like he was listening to me at all just hmm mmmm yeah, okay and have real brief answers for me!

Right now I also feel very confused if I have legally depression or not I do say that most of my symptoms is my home life but I feel like after I move out Im still going to have some symptoms


Apathy/Numb feeling no emotion when Im at home


but a little happy to see customers at my job but just a little bit Im still shy but I will smile at them and ask them how are they doing, yet I dont really like deep down when they ask me how im doing I just put on a smile and fake it and block how im really feeling!


Low self esteem
Low Confidence
Isolation ( I dont have alot of friends the ones I know they moved out of state, so I have no friends in this state)
Irritated easily like I dont feel like being bothered, but yet I want a friend but I feel if I spend to much time I want to be by myself I guess because Im so use to be alone all the time
Low energy
Tired all the time
No appetite
self image issues

( I dont feel and look attractive at all even though some people think Im cute) but ive never had boyfriend I never had a girlfriend even though Im gay no one has ever asked me out or anything

Insommia
Social anxiety
Brain Fog also feeling like Im just a brick wall
Doubtful
Lazy
Helpless
Feeling not smart

I have honestly thought about suicide but not attempted it but it was a long time ago like 3 years ago, and I dont really have those thoughts anymore!

I do think about death but isnt everyone thinking about what happens when we die? or is it just me?


Its hard feeling like this and also have ADHD-Inattentive but school was pretty tough for me, I graduated but I dont feel smart, its really hard for me to articulate my thoughts and I do have expressive and receptive issues when talking so yeah, now you understand why I dont really like talking to people I end up looking stupid thats why I stay quiet with a group of people




For me Im going to community college and I dont have any interests on what I want to do for a career, and dont say its alright if you dont know what you want to do for a career, but its NOT alright, I will be wasting time and money. TV/Film are just a little bit of interest I have but its not like how it was before, and im afraid thats going to dwindle even more. And Im not good at anything else or I dont have an interest in them what so ever but I really do want a career that I love to wake up in the morning.



My questions are
Whats wrong with me?
How can I improve myself?
How to get my interests back in my life and how to have fun with it?
Do I have depression or something?
Should I take another antidepressant?


I know that this was long but this was pretty much my life story, I am not trolling I really need help to move on from my past and help me clear a brighter future for me and so one day somebody in my shoes can come to me and I could help them out!

Thank You guys so much for reading this and helping me out!
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Old 05-23-2012, 04:30 PM
 
7,357 posts, read 8,352,508 times
Reputation: 4526
sounds to me like their is nothing much wrong with you , your problem is a lack of support from close family for the kind of person you are , thats unfortunate and that someone would get depressed over it is no great surprise , completley predictable

unfortunatley you cannot force people to take your side , you cannot change your parents , only they can face up to the kind of person you are , its not your job to change them , you manned up and told them who you were and that is admirable

you just happen to be gay , you have the same ambitions beit for a career or anything else as the next person , it sounds to me like you need to get away from your family and small town , city , anti depressants are fine to get you through a bad patch but their is nothing like life lived properly to help you get your groove back , relocating to somewhere else can give someone the boost they need to move forward and thrive , many have done it before and so should you IMO , you should not feel guilty about how your parents are dealing with your honesty , who knows , with time and apart from you , they might come to realise that your the same person you always were but you just happen to be gay
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Old 05-23-2012, 05:46 PM
 
1,259 posts, read 1,509,287 times
Reputation: 2594
sorry double post
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Old 05-23-2012, 05:47 PM
 
1,259 posts, read 1,509,287 times
Reputation: 2594
The people on this site can offer lots of encouragement and some personal experiences. Most of the posters are no longer Jehovah's Witnesses.
Jehovah's Witness Discussion Forum for Jehovahs Witnesses
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Old 05-23-2012, 08:21 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
9,993 posts, read 17,909,535 times
Reputation: 14316
Quote:
Originally Posted by TyTy9 View Post
My questions are
Whats wrong with me?
How can I improve myself?
How to get my interests back in my life and how to have fun with it?
Do I have depression or something?
Should I take another antidepressant?
I don't think there's a thing wrong with you that getting out on your own won't fix. I have a gay dd and have little sympathy for parents who can't accept their children as they are. I think right now you're in a holding pattern, which is why you feel depressed--it's temporary, but if you have $4K saved up you should be about ready to fly--really. Just go, and then figure it out as you go.

I'm glad that you've separated out the unhealthy religion part from worshipping God in your own way--there are several open and affirming denominations out there and UCC and Disciples of Christ are two that pop into my mind. Would your parents be upset if you got involved in another church? Yeah, I bet they will so just hang in there--you don't have long to go.
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Old 05-23-2012, 09:24 PM
 
285 posts, read 1,061,145 times
Reputation: 188
Default My wishes

I honestly dont feel all that great, I have so much issues to improve I want to improve but I dont know how

My Self Confidence
My Self Esteem
How to be positive
Improve my body more
Be more comfortable with my sexuality
How to be social
How to articulate my thoughts so i wont look dumb
How to improve memory
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Old 05-24-2012, 04:00 AM
 
7,357 posts, read 8,352,508 times
Reputation: 4526
Quote:
Originally Posted by TyTy9 View Post
I honestly dont feel all that great, I have so much issues to improve I want to improve but I dont know how

My Self Confidence
My Self Esteem
How to be positive
Improve my body more
Be more comfortable with my sexuality
How to be social
How to articulate my thoughts so i wont look dumb
How to improve memory

you never feel that great when your at the bottom , like someone once said , in order to become brave , you must first do what scares you

you have to challenge yourself in a big way , jump in at the deep end , dont over think too much , thinking too much is nearly always bad IMO , thats why im not a huge fan of therapy , set yourself a relativley small goal and work towards it , it might be finding somewhere to live out of town , when that is achieved , another one might become clear to you as a natural progress , doing nothing is the worst descision of all
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Old 05-24-2012, 04:54 AM
 
35,289 posts, read 43,521,849 times
Reputation: 30707
Your problems seem to stem from a lack of understanding from family and church.
Move to a gay community where you can enjoy your gayness in a likeminded community,if organized religion is a must the community will direct you to an accepting/understanding church.
Family? they'll come around sooner or later..
\In the mean time quit beating yourself up over issues that will be resolved easily once you put yourself in the right circumstances.
PS you might want to pick up a copy of "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne

Last edited by jambo101; 05-24-2012 at 05:45 AM..
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Old 05-24-2012, 05:56 AM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
16,082 posts, read 24,727,223 times
Reputation: 18046
Quote:
Originally Posted by TyTy9 View Post
I honestly dont feel all that great, I have so much issues to improve I want to improve but I dont know how

My Self Confidence
My Self Esteem
How to be positive
Improve my body more
Be more comfortable with my sexuality
How to be social
How to articulate my thoughts so i wont look dumb
How to improve memory
Make sure to mention the last 2 in the list to prescribing (antidepressant) physician.

Talk to a therapist who deals with sexuality.

You said you have insomnia, sleep deprivation or too much sleep affects your memory and how you articulate your thoughts. Antidepressant medications could also have an affect, this could be why you're feeling foggy.

Start working out a gym, running, biking, treadmill. Its helpful mentally and physically.

Once you start to feel you have some control over your own life and work out some of the other issues mentioned above, outlook, confidence and self esteem improve.

I'd steer clear of negative forces and influences as much as possible. You'll get no approval, support, and counter productive with self esteem and depression.
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Old 05-24-2012, 06:18 AM
 
Location: In a house
13,253 posts, read 37,896,529 times
Reputation: 20198
Chronic Unspecified Depression -is- a diagnosis of depression. So yes, you were diagnosed with depression, and you're being treated for it. Unfortunately, you're experiencing some of the side effects of the medication. You're taking Bupropion, which is also known as Welbutrin. Common side effects of it is the "brain fog" you're describing, and loss of appetite. It also can raise sexual interest - that doesn't mean it makes you "more" gay, heh. It just might be making you think about it more intensely.

A different medication -might- help. But you would absolutely positively need to speak with a psychiatrist about it.

A caveat: some amount of feeling like you're behind your head looking out (a vague sense of disconnection from your surroundings) is pretty common when you're taking anti-depressants. It's something you might need to just learn to adjust to. If you're sensing it, accept that it's the meds doing it, and see if you can't just roll with the sensation. It's very strange when you first realize that's what you're experiencing (when you can define it and say "yeah - that's exactly what I feel!"). But given time, you can get used to it. It's sort of like someone with a mild case of tinnitus (ringing in the ears). They don't know what's wrong, until they pause to really listen and notice that it's a sound that doesn't belong there. And then it bothers them, they're focused on it. Eventually, they stop paying attention to it and just accept its constant presence, and they continue on, not even noticing it at all.
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