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Old 05-25-2012, 10:58 AM
 
15,246 posts, read 17,420,255 times
Reputation: 25475

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlguy39 View Post
I know exactly how you feel. My ex moved on very fast. She was the one who wanted the divorce. Fast forward 3 years and I'm over her. Thats the good news about time, but I didn't want to hear it when I was in it either. I'm still a loser. 43, not re-married, no family, and unemployed. I hope you're at least working. That will help. Also, look into a divorce support group and therapy. Thats all I can say.

Also, I agree with what bouncethelight says, if that helps at all.
Pleeeeaase stop saying these things. You are not a loser. You had your personal life turned upside down and also lost your job while the country was going through a recession. That would be enough to throw anyone off kilter. Instead of telling yourself you're a loser, try telling yourself that you're in the middle of overcoming some bad years but you're on track. Getting over your ex was your first big step.

 
Old 05-25-2012, 05:35 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,545 posts, read 18,222,685 times
Reputation: 16829
Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonborn View Post
I have quite bad mood swings - yesterday I was feeling very down.

I would actually rather she met someone else. It would give me at least a bit of peace and mind, even if I would be hurt by it. She's not doing it to hurt me - she just has self-esteem issues. It's just that the timing was somewhat bad.

I will soldier on. I just have mood swings and off days. I should try to avoid posting / interacting when I'm in that frame of mind.
Stress and mood swings can horribly complicate things. When I have a bad day, usually over things which may be real worry or just oh no what ifs, I let them pass. But what I've learned is that the bad side is usually some deep fear or thought which battled to get out, and once I take command of it its neutralized. When trauma and problems happen, we deal with what we can. The rest goes into hiding. If you have swings where you feel the fears, and perhaps chide yourself for not doing what might have been better, and allow in the negative around you now, then your already out of the freeze. You can't ever deal with any of it in that freeze.

Deal with things as they come, and build. Not easy or simple, but you are strong. To have accepted about yourself what you have shows that. Let her learn to deal with her own fears, for she has to do it herself.

Realistically, the job offer is a huge bonus. That and a place to live are what matter now. When you don't have her there it will be both harder and easier. But everyone who has ever had a marriage/relationship snap apart has had to learn. Be gentle with yourself. Take baby steps and concentrate on the things that need to be done now. Think survival. Time, as other have said, is the greatest healer.

Debts between you are both of yours, unless you live in one of the few states where the maker is responsible. She can't stick you with all of it. When you divorce, this will be settled. Get some help on the details of how to work it out and it will help with the anxiety, to have some concrete knowlege of things.

If you have to rent a room, and start your new job, and clear out the cobwebs then you've started on a new path that *you* picked because it was right for you.

I send support and strength and understanding and a great deal of respect that you were willing to see there was something not working that never would and choose a new path. Some of us are too afraid of letting go of what we know is bad until fate intervenes and the what if's begin.
 
Old 05-25-2012, 07:27 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
5,364 posts, read 4,730,935 times
Reputation: 6561
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
Pleeeeaase stop saying these things. You are not a loser. You had your personal life turned upside down and also lost your job while the country was going through a recession. That would be enough to throw anyone off kilter. Instead of telling yourself you're a loser, try telling yourself that you're in the middle of overcoming some bad years but you're on track. Getting over your ex was your first big step.
Thanks Marlow. I'll try. My confidence has just been shattered by all thats happened over the last few years. I see no future now, so its hard.
 
Old 05-27-2012, 10:23 PM
 
14,790 posts, read 14,553,572 times
Reputation: 20548
Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonborn View Post
Thankfully we don't have kids. I never wanted them anyway...too much of a big kid myself and I'd have made a terrible father.

She's not comfortable with asking her mother. That's a closed door, but I have to figure something else out. At the very least, I'm going to take ALL of "our" savings to do what I need to do. She still has the security deposit that the landlord is holding for the apartment. I have no guilt in that sense.
Well, if she gets the apartment ~ I wouldn't worry about taking all the savings to move forward from this point...

I hope you're feeling better this week
 
Old 05-29-2012, 06:07 AM
 
Location: St. Louis
9,967 posts, read 17,876,533 times
Reputation: 14272
Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonborn View Post
I have quite bad mood swings - yesterday I was feeling very down.

I would actually rather she met someone else. It would give me at least a bit of peace and mind, even if I would be hurt by it. She's not doing it to hurt me - she just has self-esteem issues. It's just that the timing was somewhat bad.

I will soldier on. I just have mood swings and off days. I should try to avoid posting / interacting when I'm in that frame of mind.
It's good to have you know this. I will admit that I acted somewhat the same way when my ex came out gay--I cringe to think how immature I was being but it was such a distraction that it helped to relieve some of the pain of being abandoned by a man that I don't think ever truly loved me and helped relieve some of the fear of aging and that I would never be desirable to anyone again. This happened at a time when he was trying to date men also, which I don't really think you're trying to do. I will admit that there was some element of trying to hurt him but it fell pretty flat as he moved on very quickly and my intent was less to hurt him than it was to distract myself. It calmed down pretty quick though and I realized that I needed to give myself time to heal and 3-1/2 years later I'm still not trying to date. I guess the best way to describe my feelings at that time is that I was left with a big hole in my life and was trying to fill it up somehow but nowadays I have more useful activities for that.

As for staying with your wife's mother, I say why not if you have a good relationship with her? Approach her yourself--I don't think you need "permission" from your wife--you need it from her mother, whom you have helped a lot.
 
Old 05-29-2012, 08:34 AM
 
1,256 posts, read 1,505,902 times
Reputation: 2593
Just checking in to see how you're doing. Weekends and holidays can be rough when you're going through a stressful time. Lots of good advice here.
 
Old 05-29-2012, 08:49 AM
 
Location: In the realm of possiblities
2,713 posts, read 2,376,503 times
Reputation: 3245
Dragonblood,
Can't say I know exactly what you are experiencing, but I've been divorced twice. The first time all I came away with was what I could put in the back of my truck. She got the house, my daughter, and what little money we had. But I swore no one, or no thing would undermine my self-esteem, and I would recover. It took me awhile, but I made it. You are a person with worth, and no one can take that from you. And even though you still feel something for the woman, believe me, I know from my experience, love isn't love if it's only given and not returned.There's someone for you out here. It took me 15 yrs. of two bad marriages combined to find my soul mate. Yours is out there for you. Be strong.
 
Old 05-31-2012, 12:01 AM
 
Location: In a state of denial
1,289 posts, read 2,725,386 times
Reputation: 942
Dragonborn,

Just checking in to see how it's going. Hope all is well with you and you are getting prepared to make the big move.

Good luck with everything~
 
Old 05-31-2012, 08:03 PM
Status: "Disoriented" (set 20 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
61,081 posts, read 58,320,355 times
Reputation: 73130
Also checking in with you. Haven't been on here so much--work is draining me of all energy.

But I hope you're OK.
 
Old 06-16-2012, 04:19 PM
 
Location: In a state of denial
1,289 posts, read 2,725,386 times
Reputation: 942
Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonborn View Post
You are a truly great person. Thank you.
Thank you dragonborn~
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