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Old 05-24-2012, 10:57 AM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,663 posts, read 4,677,898 times
Reputation: 3054

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I've already admitted some of my inner demons on here. My wife and I are divorcing, but it is proving to be harder than expected. I have nightmares about losing her. Despite the fact that I have financially helped her family out in the past, allowing her mother to once stay with us for 2 months rent free, it seems that now, I am on my own and despite having a job offer, I am facing homelessness due to lack of funds.

I'm at the point where I don't care about myself anymore. Why should I go on living with this pain, being a 30-something single loser that people look down on? Why should I continue to scrape out a mediocre existence, knowing full well that it won't get better.

She has started putting herself out there online, telling me that there's some Scottish guy she likes who follows her blog. While she may be over me, I am not over her. That has cut like a dagger through the heart.....I cannot get over it. Why would she do this? Why now, when I'll be gone from her life within a month anyway?

Part of me wants to get through this and beat the odds, but another part of me wants to just sleep forever and not wake up. I don't really like the world very much and don't like myself either. I don't really anything positive ahead. I'm sick and tired of being afraid. I can't seem to even accomplish the simplest of things and even talking to others face to face unnerves me.

She made me promise not to kill myself - and I would never do that because of anyone else, but she has moved on to a point that I am envious, talking about guys that find her pretty. We are still legally married. Her family, who I have helped financially over the years couldn't give a damn. She is left with the apartment, a steady job and a comfortable place to live, while I am left with thousands of dollars worth of credit card debt, her student loans that I co-signed and a car payment that I cannot afford. She still thinks that SHE is doing me a favour by allowing me to dip into OUR savings (which won't even be enough) to survive.

I felt like a loser at 26 when I was alone, then I met her and life at least seemed somewhat worth living. Almost a decade later and I'll be in the same predicament as I was before, only much older, less marketable and in a foreign country (and I don't want to go back to my own country because I can't stand my family).

Honestly, if there's a god up there, he will make it so that I simply don't wake up tomorrow. That would be the best possible outcome. I'm not going to do anything drastic right now, nor am I even implying it. This is just how I feel. I am hoping that it will pass.

Last edited by dragonborn; 05-24-2012 at 11:07 AM..

 
Old 05-24-2012, 11:42 AM
 
1,256 posts, read 1,505,902 times
Reputation: 2593
dragonborn,

Do you have just one person you can talk to regularly about this in person? You need to have someone who will be there for you now. Sounds like you have been taken advantage of for quite a while. You need to cut all ties (not just physically, through the divorce, but emotionally as well) with these leeches.

My mother regularly kept my dad in debt and took no financial responsibility whatsoever (despite having a well paying career). Even after they separated and divorced, she found ways to get credit cards in his name and run them up. She did the same thing to her own brother!

People like this are criminals. You were taken advantage of and need to utilize every tool possible to get your soon-to-be ex to take responsibility for her share of any debts. Even though you co-signed, she is still responsible. You may have to file a lawsuit to get her to accept her share of the debts.

My parents were married for over 30 years. My dad was severely depressed when my mother left for good. It took him about a year to begin healing. You are in for a long haul. But it need not be filled with pain 24/7. Start to slowly rebuild your life and get as far away from the ex and her family as soon as you can.
 
Old 05-24-2012, 11:57 AM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,663 posts, read 4,677,898 times
Reputation: 3054
Quote:
Originally Posted by winterbird View Post
dragonborn,

Do you have just one person you can talk to regularly about this in person? You need to have someone who will be there for you now. Sounds like you have been taken advantage of for quite a while. You need to cut all ties (not just physically, through the divorce, but emotionally as well) with these leeches.

My mother regularly kept my dad in debt and took no financial responsibility whatsoever (despite having a well paying career). Even after they separated and divorced, she found ways to get credit cards in his name and run them up. She did the same thing to her own brother!

People like this are criminals. You were taken advantage of and need to utilize every tool possible to get your soon-to-be ex to take responsibility for her share of any debts. Even though you co-signed, she is still responsible. You may have to file a lawsuit to get her to accept her share of the debts.

My parents were married for over 30 years. My dad was severely depressed when my mother left for good. It took him about a year to begin healing. You are in for a long haul. But it need not be filled with pain 24/7. Start to slowly rebuild your life and get as far away from the ex and her family as soon as you can.
No I don't have anyone to turn to at this point. Even if I did, it would only serve to buy time and I don't want to lean on anyone. Even if I get over this, I do not want to go back to the me of 8 years ago. I only have mediocrity to look forward to and that isn't worth it. This marriage has left me with one hell of a mess. The financial mess alone is too much, never mind the emotional mess. While SHE seems to have got over it, I haven't. I did everything for her mother and have given so much money over the years, only to be told "you can't stay with my mother, that would just be weird". She says that she cares, but how can she do this? Why did she have to tell me about her ****ing online admirers on top of everything else? I am now in a foreign country and completely alone. I'm not doing anything rash, but I wish that I could just fall asleep and never wake up. This world is a pile of **** anyway.
 
Old 05-24-2012, 12:44 PM
 
1,256 posts, read 1,505,902 times
Reputation: 2593
She told you about her admirers because she is a mean woman. Plain and simple. It is going to take some time, but you will heal. Don't let her steal your future. I have been where you are, but for different reasons. But depression and pain is universal. You will get past this. You must keep fighting through.

Come up with a survival plan. A plan will give you something to work towards. Financially and emotionally you can recover. Can you see a therapist?
 
Old 05-24-2012, 03:12 PM
 
18,847 posts, read 32,754,506 times
Reputation: 26181
I have thought my whole life was over many times. And yet it kept going. And things got better. I am finally at a place of peace. I hope this makes it worthwhile. I could have never imagined my life would look like this...even two years ago...when all I wanted was for the pain to end.

It will get better.
 
Old 05-24-2012, 04:55 PM
 
Location: In a state of denial
1,289 posts, read 2,725,386 times
Reputation: 942
Dragonborn,

I sent you a DM, but I too think your wife is mean. There is no reason for her to tell you about that "admirer" except for HER ulterior motives. I can't begin to guess what they are, but none are kind.

If you need an ear, I am always here to listen. Please know that.

I can tell you that you are much better off without her. Her words rings false. She cannot possibly care about you if she is leaving you without money, piling you with debts, and not letting you temporarily stay with her mother.

At least you have a new job to look forward to. A lot of people don't even have that.

You have a car, a lot of people don't have that either.

It could be worse.

You are beginning your journey to who you need to be. In a year's time this hiccup in life will be just a hiccup. You will be a lot better off.
 
Old 05-24-2012, 11:11 PM
 
14,790 posts, read 14,553,572 times
Reputation: 20548
Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonborn View Post
I've already admitted some of my inner demons on here. My wife and I are divorcing, but it is proving to be harder than expected. I have nightmares about losing her. Despite the fact that I have financially helped her family out in the past, allowing her mother to once stay with us for 2 months rent free, it seems that now, I am on my own and despite having a job offer, I am facing homelessness due to lack of funds.

I'm at the point where I don't care about myself anymore. Why should I go on living with this pain, being a 30-something single loser that people look down on? Why should I continue to scrape out a mediocre existence, knowing full well that it won't get better.

She has started putting herself out there online, telling me that there's some Scottish guy she likes who follows her blog. While she may be over me, I am not over her. That has cut like a dagger through the heart.....I cannot get over it. Why would she do this? Why now, when I'll be gone from her life within a month anyway?

Part of me wants to get through this and beat the odds, but another part of me wants to just sleep forever and not wake up. I don't really like the world very much and don't like myself either. I don't really anything positive ahead. I'm sick and tired of being afraid. I can't seem to even accomplish the simplest of things and even talking to others face to face unnerves me.

She made me promise not to kill myself - and I would never do that because of anyone else, but she has moved on to a point that I am envious, talking about guys that find her pretty. We are still legally married. Her family, who I have helped financially over the years couldn't give a damn. She is left with the apartment, a steady job and a comfortable place to live, while I am left with thousands of dollars worth of credit card debt, her student loans that I co-signed and a car payment that I cannot afford. She still thinks that SHE is doing me a favour by allowing me to dip into OUR savings (which won't even be enough) to survive.

I felt like a loser at 26 when I was alone, then I met her and life at least seemed somewhat worth living. Almost a decade later and I'll be in the same predicament as I was before, only much older, less marketable and in a foreign country (and I don't want to go back to my own country because I can't stand my family).

Honestly, if there's a god up there, he will make it so that I simply don't wake up tomorrow. That would be the best possible outcome. I'm not going to do anything drastic right now, nor am I even implying it. This is just how I feel. I am hoping that it will pass.

Hey there DB,

Sorry that this is happening

I understand you're feeling very depressed and down at the moment. The divorce in itself is hard to stomach, her actions since then are just plain nasty.

I normally wouldn't say 'go speak to a professional' but if you don't have anyone there to release to, it might be a good idea...

Is there any reason she can't stay with her mother until things are sorted out? (i.e why does she keep the apartment?) I'm confused why she would keep everything? do you guys have kids?

She might say that she cares, however her actions are showing the complete opposite.... Maybe you guys can sit down with a mediator to sort out the final details?

As others have said, things will improve....time is a great healer
 
Old 05-25-2012, 01:59 AM
 
Location: In a state of denial
1,289 posts, read 2,725,386 times
Reputation: 942
Sending good vibes DB's way tonight. Tomorrow will be a better day.
 
Old 05-25-2012, 02:17 AM
 
Location: Southern California
3,115 posts, read 7,451,261 times
Reputation: 3677
Please consider the possibility that she told you about those other men, not because she's over you - but because she's struggling too - and pushing your buttons, and making you jealous made her feel temporarily "better" about things.

I am NOT giving her a free pass - it was unkind to share info about other men with you. But maybe she's feeling bad too?
 
Old 05-25-2012, 06:47 AM
 
Location: Islip,NY
17,488 posts, read 21,879,335 times
Reputation: 18417
sending love and good thoughts your way and as everyone has said time is a great healer. I am sorry you are going through this.
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