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Old 06-06-2012, 06:00 PM
 
Location: PA
838 posts, read 1,067,378 times
Reputation: 1765

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Does anybody find they have difficulty getting close to people as a result of having a family that is full of drama, possibly mental illness, physical illness? You just don't want the subject of family coming up, and it is getting to the point you struggle to do anything fun because they have zapped the joy right out of you?

I have a very good husband, but he has brought in-laws into my life that are also full of more of the same. Does anybody ask themselves everyday, why me? Why can't we have normal families??

Then again, maybe I have really extreme circumstances??

To give more detail, My mom neglected to tell me for months, maybe years that she has Lukemia. When me and my one sister found out, she didn't want to talk to us about it. Apparently, even though it is highly treatable, she doesn't want to get it treated, nor talk about it. She is in her 60's, and she will not explain why and just changes the subject. My Dad is in remission for cancer and in really poor health. I have no idea what I can do for them at this point except for try to have a relationship. They drank a lot when we were younger and neglected me, left me with sisters all the time, so I have to confess I am/was a lot closer to my sisters then them. However, they changed (parents), and I am trying. We are not bitter to each other, but we seem to not go beyond the surface. Still, when people ask about my Mom, I try to defer the conversation because they don't understand her decision to not get treated, and why I am not there every step of the way. Basically, she doesn't want me there for her, and she doesn't want to do anything about it.

To add insult to injury, My oldest sister, who has been estranged from everyone in the family except for me is now causing more angst and problems. A little background, she is like venom...she waged war on the ex-husbands/fathers of her children, and makes up stories to make them pay for "wronging her". She makes her childhood out to be worse than it was. She has always made up stories, but the most recent one tops even her accusations of abuse and landing her last ex-husband in jail, with a 4 year PFA on him (his children really don't know him). She claims now the ex-husbands father raped her middle child, and the man is being investigated by children's services. I've known him for years, and I don't think he has done it. Also, with my sister's history of lying about people, suing people and making people go to jail, I can't trust her. What makes it worse, is that I am faced with the fact my parents won't be around for long, and she helped raise me. She guilts me for destroying her childhood because she had to watch me all the time. However, if I ever cross her, will she feed her children ideas to say me or my husband did anything wrong, and get us in jail like her ex's/their families? We are too afraid to walk away because we are afraid we are next on her list of people to get in trouble by making up stories about us.

My other sister is just horrible with money and losing the home her and her husband was trying to buy...which in retrospect is much, much more normal. She always has money problems, spends more than she makes always. She helped raise me too, but we are not as close as we used to be. She is very mean and puts me down all the time. Again, I don't say anything and there for her, she guilts me also for destroying her children because she had to watch me all the time.

Can I just say it breaks my heart to see my family lying, and giving guilt trips. I tried to break away, and form friendships, but for some odd reason it is hard and I feel held back because I'm afraid all people are messed up. And my in-laws...the mother and father abandoned my husband, so he was raised by his Grandmother who is 91. She guilts my husband everyday that she helped raise him. We provide her meals, and he travels 1/2 an hour each way to help her out almost every other day. If we miss a day of calling her, she picks up the phone and yells at us.

I really wish we had normal, non-guilt tripping families who didn't lie to us!!

Last edited by bluemonday; 06-06-2012 at 06:41 PM..
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Old 06-07-2012, 06:26 AM
 
Location: PA
838 posts, read 1,067,378 times
Reputation: 1765
Maybe I'm just bitter right now because I have kidney stones, and I've been resting more and reflecting....that if there was anything I'd love to change about my life it is my family. But, I am not able to change that :-(
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Old 06-07-2012, 03:51 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,545 posts, read 18,210,262 times
Reputation: 16829
Problem is, you can't change family. You can put distance if you want but they are pretty much who they are and you are stuck with it. If distance doesn't work out, then you just have to know when to steap away.

My sil and I have known each other for years, but while I don't bother her about it, I have issues with her. I moved in large part to get away from them, even though I am fond of them. The big rotten thing which broke up my marriage did not break up the relationship with family. Mines all gone. But I knew I couldn't get beyond the crap from the past without distance.

I moved and it helped, but then she decided to move here too. The family is coming out to help with house problems this next week. I've already decided I won't be going out to dinner with them. I just want to be left alone. There is one thing which needs to be done on mine and its fairly straightforward.

But to them I am not doing things right. More pets than they'd have. Not a perfect housekeeper. ect. I got flack since I chose to have my cat who passed cremated. I keep a budget and it didn't break it so why should they care?

I'm very uptight about it and really don't want to talk to any of them. But I've simply been permenantly seperated since I felt a pull to the family, but now will be getting an offical divorce, change my name back and realize its time to go.

Take gently care of yourself with your condition and do reflect. We can't bury feelings or they'll come back at us until we let them out. We each get to be our own person and nobody can make us anything else unless we choose to.

I'm going to explain how I can deal with one thing at a time. Not two. Not three. The rest wait. The kitchen, thanks to our mild winter, is getting hordes of bugs and that is priority number one. Then onwards to unfinished projects. I won't defend myself anymore since I do not need to.
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Old 06-08-2012, 12:35 PM
 
Location: Dallas TX
15,424 posts, read 22,654,272 times
Reputation: 23536
I think everyone has drama in their family. At one point my sister and I were like oil and water. Tragedy struck our family which brought us close together. I think you have to be able to let things 'go' when you can and overlook your family's faults or it will drive you crazy.
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Old 06-08-2012, 12:51 PM
 
Location: Mostly in my head
19,865 posts, read 57,901,167 times
Reputation: 19182
The family you make from friends is frequently more supportive and nicer to be around than the birth family. Don't feel guilty, that's just the way it is. I am not close to my brother or sister and our parents are dead. I haven't seen either of them since we cleared out the house to sell in 2006 and I don't miss them.
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