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To say that my life has gone on a huge downward spiral would be an understatement. I moved, I'm working again now, but I feel worse than ever. I cannot stand this meaningless existence.
While I do not advocate staying in a bad relationship, my marriage basically kept me going for nearly 9 years. Before I met my wife, I almost got to the point where I would have ended my own life. I stuck around because of her. It kept many of my demons at bay.
Now that I am alone again, I am being ravaged by all sorts of "demons" as I lie here in an almost empty room. The thoughts I had 9 years ago are problematic once again. I feel completely worthless, hideous and I feel like I have zero purpose.
I cannot cope with my job, not even going out that much. It's not the work - it's having to sit there for 8 hours attempting to look like I'm not falling to pieces. I'm not going to stay there long. Not given the circumstances.
Add to that, I got lunbered with all of the debts from the marriage and now the credit card companies are calling me at work, leaving voicemails with other employees! I got pulled into the office about it yesterday. I cannot pay them, but they won't seem to give me any time. Meanwhile, she earns more than I do and has all of the furniture we bought together, yet she has the nerve to still use me to "vent" to.
To price that I'm hideously ugly, I signed up for an online dating site just to make friends. All 3 instances where they responded, contact was immediately ceased as soon as I sent my ugly picture. Funny thing is, I didn't project any lack of confidence, so it just goes to show that those who say "have confidence" when you look like a freak are woefully wrong. It's good to know the truth though - it helps me to realise that this is all pointless.
Even if I cared enough about my life to want to get help, I couldn't. I have no health insurance until September as I can't enrol in the conpany's policy until then. No pils or therapy will help though. I'm still going to be ugly, I'll still be a loser. People should seek help when they at least have one attribute to make them worth saving. Living for others is perfectly fine too if you have a loving spouse or children that depend on you. If you have either looks or brains, you have potential.
I have no one I can turn to or trust. I knew that I should have tried to stay living with my wife for the time being as being alone for too long is very dangerous to my mental health, especially as I have continued to deteriorate and slip into deeper depression and intense self-loathing. I tried talking to my mother, but she is useless. I thought she'd understand and accept as she tried to commit suicide several years ago when her previous husband cheated on her. She just seems more concerned that I go to work everyday and doesn't get the severe magnitude of this.
I don't want to seek out support groups or post on actual mental health forums where I'd just get a bunch of cyber hugs. I don't want sympathy. I am posting this stuff as a sort of chronicle so that others may understand or perhaps think twice about being judgmental towards others. The whole notion that confidence is what you need is a crock. If an ugly man like me had confidence, I would just be even more of a laughing stock and object of ridicule. Been there, tried that.
My existence has become a living nightmare, in which I am continually tormented by thoughts and fears that make even doing the simplest of tasks into major missions. I can only feel anywhere close to nominal if I drink. I can fall asleep, but I wake up constantly throughout the night in an empty bed, with only the humming of the A/C to keep me company. Sometimes I wake up thinking that my wife is there next to me, but turn around and just see the wall.
I know that this will finish me eventually and I welcome that day (not planning anything as of now so DISCLAIMER). I hope that next time around, I don't get lunbered with a body that is not only hideously ugly, but that Ian the exact opposite of who I am inside. I have lost what little hope that I once had for the future. I'm too old and too tired. Most people are afraid of death....I am afraid of life and of people.
Needless to say, I understand why people stay in bad marriages (not abusive ones). This is no era to be alone in. I have never known a time when society had been so collectively selfish and conformist, nor have I known a time when it's as hard as this to meet decent people who don't have hidden agendas. Some people can be happy alone - I can't. I was terrified of ending up this way an it's every bit as bad as I imagined it would be. I am now the stereotypical "single man", 30-something year old loser.
We put animals to sleep peacefully when they are in pain, yet we force and guilt trip people into living and we cultivate a fear of mortality. I wish there was some sort of place I could go to whereby I could just be put to sleep without pain or risk that I might wake up as a paraplegic. I have no dependents, no partner. I'm not going to do it but I can only wish for some sort of natural cause to get me out of this body and out of this society.
Think of it in terms of a car that suffered endless mechanical failures, followed by a serious wreck. It ends up being not worth trying to fix the car, so the car ends up getting scrapped.
So that's a proper update as I've posted a lot of garbage on here and have reacted to a few posts that I felt compelled to respond to. I will cut down on that as I don't have anything good to say right now and would not wish this hell on anyone.
Last edited by dragonborn; 06-14-2012 at 03:22 AM..
You're severely depressed, you need treatment asap.
You just aren't seeing things clearly. There is hope. You are still young and have your health, you can change your life if you want to. It's just a matter of getting some goals together but you won't be able to do that until the depression is treated.
The credit card companies shouldn't be calling you at work, that could be considered harrasment. Get a financial counseller to help you with this, you don't have to put up with it.
It really doesn't matter how ugly you are...very ugly people find love so you can too. Well, you already have once, so you will again. You have to have something of substance to offer a woman though, not just a sorry sap who mopes all day. Get up, go out, and get a life.
You're severely depressed, you need treatment asap.
You just aren't seeing things clearly. There is hope. You are still young and have your health, you can change your life if you want to. It's just a matter of getting some goals together but you won't be able to do that until the depression is treated.
The credit card companies shouldn't be calling you at work, that could be considered harrasment. Get a financial counseller to help you with this, you don't have to put up with it.
It really doesn't matter how ugly you are...very ugly people find love so you can too. Well, you already have once, so you will again. You have to have something of substance to offer a woman though, not just a sorry sap who mopes all day. Get up, go out, and get a life.
Good luck.
Like many other people, you see a post like mine and naturally, you want to give advice or reassurance and I thank you for it.
However...
Take a step back and look at it objectively. Your advice is based on the common assumption that I must be mentally ill and that my perception is skewed. What's to say that my perception of myself, my appearance, people and society as a whole is any less valid than that of Miss Pollyanna Sunshine? I could argue that perhaps those who see the world differently than I do are the ones who are mentally ill, but I don't. I do not understand why people cling to life the way they do, but I am not going to question it or take that away from them.
I have tried pills and therapy. Pills didn't work - they made me feel numb or crazy. Those are mind altering substances. They work for some people, but not others. I kind of have a problem with trying to block out my feelings in that way. They're not going to change my appearance, nor will they make me "like" the human race. In fact, my only actual suicide attempt was during a time I was on Paxil. As for therapy, it works for people who are lost and need direction, have behavioural issues or just need to pay someone ridiculous amounts of money to listen to them whine and vent...I'll pass (and I don't have the $$$ or health insurance).
I don't know where you see ugly men with girls? I never see it, unless the guy is rich or someone important. You also inadvertently touched on one of the major ills of society: that people "expect" you to bring something to the table, rather than just look for those whom you share common interests, opinions and goals. That is one of the reasons why there are a lot of lonely people out there and frankly, as tough of an issue as it is for people to stomach, you're going to see a lot more people taking their own lives in the future unless things change, drastically.
I see things very clearly, but I simply feel very deeply. I have felt like this for as long as I can remember. I don't mope around - I have always tried to work and have tried 1,000,000 times over to fit in and be "normal" as society would put it. Another way of putting it, would to tell a gay person to take pills and get help in order to become "straight", as not so long ago, more people thought that homosexuality was a mental illness. Thankfully, those times have changed.
My point...I am not here for sympathy or advice. I am trying to use my worthless and painful existence to at least prove a point. Some people will also identify and will be able to relate to what I write. I would have posted this in a different forum, but there are a lot of unpleasant people out there who seem to love to pick fights over the internet. What I want is a level of understanding and perhaps someday, a future where people like me will be free to go, painlessly and legally. I don't think it's asking too much in an overpopulated world, do you?
Last edited by dragonborn; 06-14-2012 at 05:04 AM..
I'm just going to say...I'm soooo sorry... but you are thinking in the BIG light of life... WAY to broadly instead of taking one day at a time....
As far as your situation... you are so not alone.... the boat you are in with others is packed tight....
So many people are going through the same situation as you and what I feel you need to do is find those people and talk... Talk till you are blue in the face.... You will see you are not alone.
If you keep yourself isolated, it will only make things worse.
Good luck to you.... There ARE people out there that give a damn.
Oh, gosh, do you want to hear from a someone that plays the "glad" game? Probably not. If you are familiar with Disney's "Pollyanna", you'll understand the "glad" game. From a mental health forum, I learned that it is actually "emotional resilience" that I have. For me, it is based on my faith in God and I know that most no longer have that faith to draw from. I am not "religious" and not a Christian but feel the ever presence of God. A lot of people get this from the beauty of nature or just something they feel passionate about. If you don't have passion about anything, I think you probably end up at a lose. Do you have access to the employee assistance program through your employer? If so, you might talk with them about the stress that these creditors are putting on you and they might be able to help. Your focus on being "ugly" appears to be a BIG problem. How important are looks to you when it comes to a potential mate? Do you feel you can't attract the kind of women you are attracted to? I would have to agree about some of the drugs used for mental health but have you looked into the herbal alternatives as they are widely used in Europe where their society is not so dependent on the health industry? You are going to have to get focused on something other than being "ugly" because I think when you feel "ugly", that feeling reflects off of yourself and you put out a vibe that keeps people away. We have a family here that has a genetic disorder and they have giant warts all over their faces, like witches in children's movies but their faces are covered with these and it looks uncomfortable but they are out in public and function just like everyone else and they marry and sadly, have children they pass this on to which I would not do. I'm going to pm you a mental health website and yes, I know you said you didn't want to do that but, gee, it is a good one and it is not so much warm fuzzies and it has some good articles and an online self-help book. You can go or not. Believe it or not, that "glad" game gets me through the day and lets me put things on the back burner and even though they say you shouldn't do that, you can only handle so much and it seems a better solution than medicating it away day after day. Progress that lasts happens in tiny steps. So, I would say you need to get the creditors off your back and some how get past the "ugliness" that you feel. Once you get past the initial meeting, a great personality and someone comfortable with themselves override the way a person looks. Seriously, who ever considers their friends and family ugly? I'll pm you the website, go or not as this is all I have to offer.
I'm not pollyanna. I've been there, feeling hopeless like there is no tomorrow. I couldn't stand being told to pull myself together and such. What for? I didn't feel like I had anything much of an option anyway.
But... even depressed, heavily depressed, I just plugged on doing what had to be done. That was the rule. To get food and shelter. To find stability. To take care of my dogs. Beyond that, I didn't deal. Beyond that would be too much.
That's priority one. To plug on doing the necessary. And I agree that while pills help some, they don't all. And if its emotional things you have to deal with, and you can't feel any of them since the pills give you an artifical 'okay', then they are not a postive step. Just don't let it wash you away, and if you can use a shut off switch. too much it goes off. Take little bits at a time. If your struggling then it can be too much to deal with when priority one, maintaince of self, is needed. Let yourself feel by your own control when its safe enough for you.
The creditors have rules and they know they are breaking them. There are free credit help places where they'll advise you on that. Harrassment by creditors is a big problem now as so many are behind and nobody is stopping the illegal methods. There are ways to deal with it but you have to make a call. Pick that as a priority too since it is interfering with priority one.
And when something tramatic happens, divorce, splitting away from even a bad marriage, financial problems, etc, it all piles up and you will be sad and depressed and down. You are not alone. It feels crushing. It feels hopeless. You don't want it to be true. Time will soften it and make it managable, but you have to give that. Put it in a place where you can hold it sometimes, feel the sadness, and the rest put it away until you can deal with it and let it be done. It's a kind of mourning for yourself and your dreams and what you know could be, but not now, this moment. It's regret for mistakes made, and that wish you could do it over and better.
But... you can't. It's done. Now its something to put behind you. Take baby steps. Take some one thing, just a small thing, which you do to let some out. Sort a box. Write a letter you won't send. Make one small conquest and don't try to fix the mountain.
And I don't know what you look like but have been reading your posts since you started out. You are not ugly. You are brave and couragous and understand your own truth. You are NOT like the herd. Don't accept that you have to be and draw on what you know deeply of yourself.
Doesn't matter if you'll never be the life of the party, especially if you weren't made to be. I know you have courage and the ability to be honest with yourself. I like you. You've had lots of support on this board. There will always be those who want pills and therapy and acting like the normals. They are free to speak. Nothing says you have to agree and in their own way they are trying from what they understand. You have people here, maybe who haven't posted to you a lot, who do understand.
Like many other people, you see a post like mine and naturally, you want to give advice or reassurance and I thank you for it.
However...
Take a step back and look at it objectively. Your advice is based on the common assumption that I must be mentally ill and that my perception is skewed. What's to say that my perception of myself, my appearance, people and society as a whole is any less valid than that of Miss Pollyanna Sunshine? I could argue that perhaps those who see the world differently than I do are the ones who are mentally ill, but I don't. I do not understand why people cling to life the way they do, but I am not going to question it or take that away from them.
I have tried pills and therapy. Pills didn't work - they made me feel numb or crazy. Those are mind altering substances. They work for some people, but not others. I kind of have a problem with trying to block out my feelings in that way. They're not going to change my appearance, nor will they make me "like" the human race. In fact, my only actual suicide attempt was during a time I was on Paxil. As for therapy, it works for people who are lost and need direction, have behavioural issues or just need to pay someone ridiculous amounts of money to listen to them whine and vent...I'll pass (and I don't have the $$$ or health insurance).
I don't know where you see ugly men with girls? I never see it, unless the guy is rich or someone important. You also inadvertently touched on one of the major ills of society: that people "expect" you to bring something to the table, rather than just look for those whom you share common interests, opinions and goals. That is one of the reasons why there are a lot of lonely people out there and frankly, as tough of an issue as it is for people to stomach, you're going to see a lot more people taking their own lives in the future unless things change, drastically.
I see things very clearly, but I simply feel very deeply. I have felt like this for as long as I can remember. I don't mope around - I have always tried to work and have tried 1,000,000 times over to fit in and be "normal" as society would put it. Another way of putting it, would to tell a gay person to take pills and get help in order to become "straight", as not so long ago, more people thought that homosexuality was a mental illness. Thankfully, those times have changed.
My point...I am not here for sympathy or advice. I am trying to use my worthless and painful existence to at least prove a point. Some people will also identify and will be able to relate to what I write. I would have posted this in a different forum, but there are a lot of unpleasant people out there who seem to love to pick fights over the internet. What I want is a level of understanding and perhaps someday, a future where people like me will be free to go, painlessly and legally. I don't think it's asking too much in an overpopulated world, do you?
Your perception is skewed. Whether this if from a mental health issue, like depression, or from just having the misfortune of having a screwed up genetic inheritance, I don't know.
You ask what makes your gloomy view less valid? Nothing except the writings of centuries, and the fighting spirit man has shown to survive over all the odds, over thousands of years.
If mankind took your view, we would never have invented fire. However, mankind is naturally disposed to SURVIVE.
Any different view on basic survival, eg a wish to kill oneself, is a sign that your basic nature has been skewed. You are still human, and you still share that basic instinct for survival. Don't believe me? Walk out to sea, as far as you possibly can. You will not sink like a stone. Your instinct will take over and you will swim, or at least struggle, for life.
I feel your lack of drive and survival instinct is unnatural and correctable.
HOWEVER, nowhere in my advice do I ever advocate "cheer up"...I know what depression is, and it in some people it cannot be cured. My advice for someone who genuinely feels his life is over, is that your life is your own, to do with what you will. I respect your choice if that choice is suicide. I don't think it's necessarily the thinking of an ordered mind, but I do respect your choice to do what you want with the life that is yours.
I also think that some people are really only happy when they're miserable.
Dragon,
Don't know how religious you are, but I would put myself in God's hands. Go to church, I know when I go there, my stress just seems to go away, so much so that I don't want to leave the church. That helps for me.
Good luck!!
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