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Old 06-18-2012, 05:53 AM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,663 posts, read 4,683,602 times
Reputation: 3054

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Quote:
Originally Posted by chuck_steak View Post
Maybe your cousin will come through. Are you close with your half brother? Maybe he will come through. What about going to your friend's place?
I don't have any close enough friends that could put me up. I'm not getting my hopes up and am prepared for the worst.
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Old 06-18-2012, 05:54 AM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,663 posts, read 4,683,602 times
Reputation: 3054
Thinks why I always say this is no era to find yourself alone in.
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Old 06-18-2012, 10:06 AM
 
18,847 posts, read 32,794,387 times
Reputation: 26181
Quote:
They can't / don't understand the hold she has on me.
Well, we can't help you. You are just going to continue this dysfunctional cycle...I have seen people do this again and again, they want help, ask for advice...they get valid information...and then....it is always "yes, but" ....whatever...spin your cycle. It is drama.
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Old 06-18-2012, 10:20 AM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,663 posts, read 4,683,602 times
Reputation: 3054
All,

One solution to this has been staring me in the face all along...

I need to do what I was planning to do long before I met my wife and moved to the US....I need to move elsewhere in Europe (within the EU). It would grant me the best of both worlds...to be back "home" but without the demons and bad memories and without the Americanisms of the UK (no offence).

If I can make it through this, that's what I'll do. Finding a new partner won't matter if I am back in the right surroundings and able to be myself and do what I enjoy without being judged by my net worth as much.
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Old 06-18-2012, 10:21 AM
 
Location: Heart of Dixie
1,298 posts, read 1,984,344 times
Reputation: 1593
PLEASE... If you are still having suicidal thoughts or tendicies.. please look up this website and call a professional/volunteer.

SuicideHotlines.com - When You Feel You Can't Go On -- Let Someone Know Your Pain. people do care and they will listen and try to help you. Or better yet, go to a nearby hospital. All this will pass, hang in there.

I wish the best for your situation.
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Old 06-18-2012, 10:36 AM
 
Location: Eugenius
593 posts, read 1,271,404 times
Reputation: 580
Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
Well, we can't help you. You are just going to continue this dysfunctional cycle...I have seen people do this again and again, they want help, ask for advice...they get valid information...and then....it is always "yes, but" ....whatever...spin your cycle. It is drama.

This is very true, you come on here looking for unbiased advice, we give it to you, "but, but, but" there's always a reason for you to rush to her side and WE don't understand. But we don't need to understand and some of us DO understand. Build a bridge and get over her, she is no good for you, you have to start saying no or you will be in this cycle forever. I really wish the best for you, my mother and grandmother were like this, and it was difficult because they were highly manipulative people that would drag me down in the hole with them the first chance they got. People would tell me to say no, but I always came running back to them, I felt foolish, idiotic, but didn't want them to be alone or hurt themselves, like you fear. It's the same story, but with different players. Her hold on you will start to crumble when you start saying no to her requests, it will hurt you in the beginning, she will whine and kick and scream and grab for your ankles, but you've got to hang on and keep saying no. She will figure it out on her own. She doesn't have to do that if you are there to do it for her. It's an addiction that you will have to kick and once you are on the other side, you will hopefully be OK. Good luck though it's hard.
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Old 06-18-2012, 11:11 AM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,545 posts, read 18,250,992 times
Reputation: 16829
Quote:
Originally Posted by scratchNsniff View Post
This is very true, you come on here looking for unbiased advice, we give it to you, "but, but, but" there's always a reason for you to rush to her side and WE don't understand. But we don't need to understand and some of us DO understand. Build a bridge and get over her, she is no good for you, you have to start saying no or you will be in this cycle forever. I really wish the best for you, my mother and grandmother were like this, and it was difficult because they were highly manipulative people that would drag me down in the hole with them the first chance they got. People would tell me to say no, but I always came running back to them, I felt foolish, idiotic, but didn't want them to be alone or hurt themselves, like you fear. It's the same story, but with different players. Her hold on you will start to crumble when you start saying no to her requests, it will hurt you in the beginning, she will whine and kick and scream and grab for your ankles, but you've got to hang on and keep saying no. She will figure it out on her own. She doesn't have to do that if you are there to do it for her. It's an addiction that you will have to kick and once you are on the other side, you will hopefully be OK. Good luck though it's hard.
I sent a pm, but I'm one who does. What helped me get past the guilt and feeling I 'had to' was anger. He screwed me and his family then kept pulling it. I had no use for him but it was pure disdain. Sad it took such a traumatic thing for everyone to break it.

But its true. People who claim authority over you really get mean when you say no and will say all sorts of things. But they'll get over it. Some of them even become friends (not refering to the one above). But all that is needed to stop a cycle is to stop feeding it and it falls, sadly leaving bits of personal wreakage to get over but in time you do that too.

I like Dragon's last post and will say to make that the goal above all. Ask if any decision you make will make it come sooner. If not or its counter productive, say no. It's time to own yourself.

That's just how I felt when I left the nightmare in california behind and arrived in Oklahoma. And here, though it took time and some grief, I have mostly banished them.
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Old 06-18-2012, 04:04 PM
 
Location: Mississippi
1,248 posts, read 1,878,823 times
Reputation: 2500
OP, you need therapy. I know that you say you can't afford it, but many community mental health centers offer it for free or on a sliding scale. I know you are frustrated with your wife, but try to remember that her life has also been turned upside down. She married a man who one day told her that he is a woman living in a man's body. She probably feels like their must be something wrong with her as a woman. She needs to get some therapy too. I do think it is smart to limit your contact with her, and under no circumstances move back in with her. Maybe it would be better for you to move back to your country, but I doubt it. Until you get some good therapy and fix why you are so unhappy you will not be happy anywhere you go. I think you should at least try a support group.
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Old 06-18-2012, 05:46 PM
 
Location: In a state of denial
1,289 posts, read 2,727,620 times
Reputation: 942
Quote:
Originally Posted by Madeline2121 View Post
OP, you need therapy. I know that you say you can't afford it, but many community mental health centers offer it for free or on a sliding scale. I know you are frustrated with your wife, but try to remember that her life has also been turned upside down. She married a man who one day told her that he is a woman living in a man's body. She probably feels like their must be something wrong with her as a woman. She needs to get some therapy too. I do think it is smart to limit your contact with her, and under no circumstances move back in with her. Maybe it would be better for you to move back to your country, but I doubt it. Until you get some good therapy and fix why you are so unhappy you will not be happy anywhere you go. I think you should at least try a support group.
Probably the main difference between medical help here in the US and medical help in Europe is that over there it's paid for. Over here it normally is not, unless Medicaid kicks in. I don't think he'd qualify for Medicaid since he's working and formally not disabled. He could get much better mental health care in Europe. Over there they hospitalize people for months on end. Over here we greet em, treat em, and release em as fast as we can because of the insurance companies being worried about profit margins. That is why there are a whole lot of mentally ill people on the streets or in prison. We no longer have the institutions of the 70's and 80's that actually cared about people's well-being.

His wife "chose" not to get therapy or help with coping about his gender identity issues. Instead she wanted a divorce. I personally know women that have stayed with their spouses and chose to embrace the relationship. She made her choice there. Since she wanted the divorce then she needs to learn to grow up and be alone and take responsibility for her actions. Wanting to divorce, yet still leech off of him is not dealing with her situation, it's manipulating and taking advantage of him. She knows he feels guilt over being transgendered, and she is using that to use him.

Dragonborn, I was in a similar situation with my ex-husband. He wasn't transgendered, he was just crazy. He was a narcissist and manipulative to the maximum. It took me FOUR LONG years of therapy to finally break free of his spell. He would use guilt to get me into all kinds of things and situations that a normal person would not have stood for. I completely understand about her having a "hold" over you and I'm betting some others here do too. It is because I have lived this scenario myself that I can see what is happening in this situation. People that drag another into their "drama" continuously, while not taking responsibility for their own actions are manipulative users. They don't "care" about the other person. The other person is just a end to their means. For instance is she found another guy to "take care" of her tomorrow you wouldn't hear from her. She doesn't care about your pain or what she has put you through. That was obvious when she didn't care if you were homeless or hungry all the while blowing your mutual money on stuff she didn't need. You on the other hand, are a caring, thoughtful person and have real feelings. That is why you feel you let her down with being transgendered and that you owe her something for past 8 years of your life.

She will find someone, be it her brother, or mother, or some other guy soon enough, believe me, to drag into her drama. Don't feel guilty because she has chosen to not grow up. The sooner she does, the better off she'll be anyway.

I hope you can move to where you were thinking you wanted to go in the first place. That might be the best move. Either that, or stay with your job there and change your phone number so she can't contact you.

Best of luck~
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Old 06-18-2012, 05:48 PM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,663 posts, read 4,683,602 times
Reputation: 3054
Quote:
Originally Posted by Madeline2121 View Post
OP, you need therapy. I know that you say you can't afford it, but many community mental health centers offer it for free or on a sliding scale. I know you are frustrated with your wife, but try to remember that her life has also been turned upside down. She married a man who one day told her that he is a woman living in a man's body. She probably feels like their must be something wrong with her as a woman. She needs to get some therapy too. I do think it is smart to limit your contact with her, and under no circumstances move back in with her. Maybe it would be better for you to move back to your country, but I doubt it. Until you get some good therapy and fix why you are so unhappy you will not be happy anywhere you go. I think you should at least try a support group.
Ah yes my wonderful wife who basically told me it was over BEFORE that came out and who has been using it to guilt trip me into getting her way ever since, even now when she plans to leech of me until she gets a job, winch given the unemployment rate here could be a while, while she loves to constantly remind me that we are getting a divorce.

Sad part is that I still can't say no. She's ****ing me more now (in a different way) than during the entire duration that we were together.
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